Sunday, April 26, 2015

10 Guys Who Got Away

 I am rarely rejected for  dates or hookups; so rarely, in fact, that when it happens, I'm shocked.  I want to ask "Didn't you understand me?"

But rejections are useful.  You can analyze them, identify your mistakes, and modify your technique for next time.

Here are 10 guys who got away:

1. The Cellist, a quiet, conservative music major named Charlie, one of Joseph's friends from the Gay Student Association at Indiana University.   I don't know why he hung out in Bullwinkle's, a cruise bar.  When I approached with a sleazy double-entendre, he said point blank: "You're not my type, so nothing is going to happen."

But he continued to hang out with us, so I continued to flirt with him.

I asked, with a leer. "What would you do if I groped you right now?"  Buzzkill answered, "I would feel violated."

 I tried to give him my phone number anyway, but he said: "You're not my type, so it would be pointless."

Problem: Trying too hard.

2. Richie Rich.  Not his real name, obviously, but the son of a state senator who drove a Jaguar around campus and had a summer house on Cape Cod.  I wasn't even attracted to him, but I liked the idea of sitting in that Jaguar next to him, and being invited to the summer house.  So I asked him out.  Not a chance!

Problem: Not really interested.

3. The Professor.  When I was living in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas, the worst place in the world.

We hooked up. He was short, solid, gifted beneath the belt, -- exactly my type!  And a professor of English at the University of Houston, specializing in the Renaissance -- exactly my field of interest!  I may have gone overboard with the "we have everything in common!" and "we were meant to be together!"

After breakfast the next morning, he gave me the wrong phone number.

Problem: Trying too hard.

4. The Widower.  He was a husky blond bear, about 40 years old, a member of the West Hollywood Metropolitan Community Church.  He had lost his lover of 10 years to AIDS a few months before we met.  I asked him out about a year later, shortly after the breakup with my celebrity boyfriend.  He agreed, but the night before our date, he called with an excuse.  I think Alan told him that my preferred sexual positions weren't compatible with his.

A week later, I asked him to a dinner party at Alan's house; he agreed, but insisted on coming in his own car.  He sat next to someone else, and started to leave without any alone time.  "But..I wanted to..." I began.

"I know what you wanted!" he exclaimed, slamming the door behind him.

Problem: Gossip.

5. The Puppy Dog, a cute, cuddly guy that Lane and I decided to share.  Unfortunately, we didn't inform him of our plan in advance.  We just invited him over for dinner, and afterwards sat on the couch on either side of him and started grabbing.

Deer-caught-in-the-headlights staring didn't dissuade us -- we just assumed that he was up for the sharing -- until he bolted to his feet and ran for the door.

(He later dated Cal, who had a new lover every week.)

Problem: Not making our intentions clear in advance.

6. The Filipino Undergrad, #3 on My Sausage List.  He came to my room at Setauket University to interview me on the problems of being a gay academic, and we ended up hooking up four or five times.  Then I emailed him: "I want to be more than just a trick!  Let's go out on a real date, with dinner and dancing and a kiss on the doorstep!"  He bailed.

Problem: Trying too hard.

7. The Hottest Guy in the World. We met at the AIDS Conference in South Africa in the summer of 20000. Short, muscular, dark-skinned, religious, gifted beneath the belt, 6 of the 6 traits I find attractive!  We went out to the bars together, and had an encounter in the dark room, but afterwards he would have nothing to do with me.  Too old.

Problem: No time to work on him.

8. The Theater Buff, one of Blake's friends in Manhattan, an older guy with a nice physique, a hairy chest, and a bad toupee.  Fascinating, with an intimate knowledge of old Hollywood.  He used to go to the Trocadero with Bette Davis!  So I accepted the date.  Afterwards we went back to his elegantly furnished apartment and started making out, but every time I tried to touch his head, he pushed my hand away.

"Everybody knows about your toupee!" I exclaimed in frustration.  "It's no big secret!"

 Shrieking, he ran into the bedroom, slammed the door, and wouldn't come out.

Problem:  Unaware of his quirks

9. The Jerk.  This was in a dark room in France.  The protocol is: since you can't see well enough to make eye contact, you stand directly in front of whoever you're interested in.  If he's not interested, he moves away.  This guy didn't move away.  But when I touched him, he grabbed my hand and roughly pushed it aside.

I tried again, and got pushed away again.

"But...vous ne avez pas deplacer!" I exclaimed.  You didn't move!

He growled: "Casse-toi!"  F*k off! 

"I have every right to be here!" I said in English.

We both stood there facing each other, refusing to move for a long time.

Problem: Guy wasn't interested

10. The Coffee Drinker.  A cute, sleepy-looking lost soul who hung out at the Filling Station in Wilton Manors, Florida, drinking coffee instead of beer or a soft drink.  He never interacted with anyone, but he was so cute, I thought I would try.

Day 1: I nodded in recognition.  He glared.
Day 2: I gave him a friendly shoulder-grab.  He shrugged me off.
Day 3: I said "Hi, my name's Boomer."  He said: "I'm not interested in a relationship."
Day 4: He saw me coming and retreated to the other side of the bar.

Problem: ????

Pop Quiz: Select any three, and explain what I should have done differently.

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