Sunday, June 7, 2015

Preachers, Penises, and Puppy Love: My Best Stories

I just noticed that there are 264 autobiographical stories on this blog.  They're short, averaging 700 words, but still, that's 184,000 words, the length of two regular-sized novels (or a chapter of a Stephen King novel).

In case you don't have time to read all of that in one sitting, here is a list of the best stories -- stories with the most interesting characters, most intriguing situations, most explicit sex.  Or just my favorite memories.  21,000 words -- you can knock off that in an hour.

Best Sausage Sighting.  No contest: when I was seven years old, and glimpsed my Cousin Joe's "shame" as he toweled off in the bathroom.   Biggest I've ever seen, the stuff of fantasies for years to come.

Best Grade School Date.  My first real date, in third grade, when Gary invited me to a movie, we got lost on the way out, and a hippie came to the rescue.  A hippie with muscles!

Hottest Grade School "Boyfriend." Matt, who taught swimming at the Longview Park Pool, who had muscular arms and coaxed me into the deep end by promising to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation if I drowned.

Most Decadent Story. My wild night of debauchery in fifth grade, when a boy named Mark talked me into forbidden pancakes, I got to massage his high-school brother, and I saw his wiener.

Best Nazarene Story.  The boy who stayed on the prospect list at the Nazarene church year after year, until I decided to stop by and "win" him in person.

Best Story about Dad Being Clueless. The time Dad tried to convince me to go to work in the factory when I got out of high school.  He did this by taking me on a tour of the factory, including the locker room and showers full of naked men.

Best Celebrity Date.  In high school, my date with Carl Gustav, the King of Sweden.

Best Practical Joke. Stealing the clothes of Mark, the Boss from Hell at the Carousel Snack Bar, while he was engaging in you know what in the bathroom stall.  Nice Sausage Sighting, too.

Kinkiest College Story.  My professor's handcuff party.

Most Heartwarming Epiphany.  At Indiana University, when I was all alone in the world, until I stumbled into an adult bookstore and asked "Do you have anything gay?"

Best 1980s Homophobe Story.  When Jimmy, the Bodybuilder on Crutches, brought his homophobic friend to my Halloween Party.  Also the night I drank 1 1/2 cans of beer.

Weirdest Hell-fer-Sartain Hookup.  My date with a college boy and his brother.  And their stepfather.

Best Hooking-up-with-the-teacher Story.  Dr. Bertan,
the most conservative professor at ultra-conservative USC.

 It took months of strategizing to break down his resistance.

Best Public Sex Story.  A conference at Notre Dame.  A Catholic boy who lived in the dorms.  Neither of us have a place to go.  Except the trail that leads around St. Joseph Lake.

Best Mugi Story.  The drag queen Auntie who called me Mr. Muscle Doctor Big Basket, and tried to get me to marry her cute Cambodian "nephew."

Worst Date in West Hollywood History. Me and Ryan, the little person, on a date involving a sprained ankle, a towed car, a lost boyfriend.  And those are the best parts.

Kinkiest Date in San Francisco.  The Slave Boy of Castro Street.

Best Hookup with a Straight Boy. When David and I went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival, and he bet me that I could get a straight guy into my bed.  So I cruised the college boy at the garlic ice cream stand.  It didn't work, but David went around and picked him up later.

Best Giant-Penis Story.  When Yuri and I went to Basque country, and he hooked up with the massive Garan.  I ended up being the third wheel all day, all night, and most of the next day.

Weirdest Paranormal Experience.  The Man in Black who just appeared, walking next to me on Christopher Street, and one day invited himself to my room.  Ok, he may have been a priest.

Most Heartwarming Hookup.  Jermaine, the Biggest Guy on My Sausage List, who I met in Boston while on a job interview.  

Biggest Coincidence That Really Happened.  John, the shy boy in the third row at the MCC, who I never thought to ask out.  Years later, in Florida, he turns out to be one of my housemate Barney's friends.

Biggest Regret.  Raphael, the gay psychic angel, the most amazingly attractive guy I have ever met.  Except his arms didn't work.  I never called him back, and I've been kicking myself for it ever since.

Best Sharing Story.  In Florida, finally getting to share Yuri's boyfriend, a professional baseball player.

Best Oblivious Straight People Story.  My roommates bet me that straight guy Josh, a professor at Florida Atlantic University, could never figure it out, no matter what I tried.

Most Annoying Boyfriend.  Florian, the Boy Who Cried Fabulous.  Everything was awesome, everything was the best ever.  Only homophobia could bring him down.

Best Hookup that Sounds Like a Porn Movie.  The pizza boy I cruised while back in Rock Island for a visit.  I didn't have time to follow through, so I asked my friend Dick to take over.  He did.

Best Cruised-by-a-Teenager Story. Austin, who approached me in Fairborn City Park, near Dayton,  and said he was a "sophomore."  I assumed that he meant sophomore in college.

Best Date with a Member of the Gang of Twelve.  The Satyr, a gigantic, husky Bear with a gigantic Kovbasa+ and a penchant for name-dropping.  But I was more interested in his housemate/ houseboy/ boy toy, Chad.

Best Recent Hookup.  Two weeks ago, at a museum in Indianapolis, a young, cute guard strikes up a conversation with me.  Another fantasy fulfilled.

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