Monday, September 5, 2016

Nate Richert's Kielbasa

West Hollywood, March 2000

I was back in West Hollywood for my friend Larry's annual Oscar party.  On March 25th, the night before, Lane and Randall the Muscle Bear with the Pierced Penis took me out to all our old haunts: Bodhi Tree, Different Light, the French Quarter, the Gold Coast, and the Faultline.

But we never made it to the Faultline.

I was struck by a twink sitting at the bar in the Gold Coast. A little shorter than me, broad shoulders, very handsome round face with sandy hair and glasses, kind of a Harry Potter look except for the lumberjack shirt.

I sat next to him.  He said "Howdy, pardner," and held out his hand to be shaken.

I made a quip about Hogwarts.  He countered with a quip about Lemony Snicket's Unfortunate Events.


Our legs pressed together under the bar.  "Can I buy you another beer?" I asked.

"Heck, I'll buy you a beer.  I'll buy everybody a beer.  Drinks are on me!"

"Well, I don't really drink."

"A virgin margarita, then.  You have to let me buy you something.  I can afford it.  I'm Harvey, and I'm always going to be Harvey, no matter what they say!"

Was that name supposed to mean something?  All I could think of was Harvey the Giant Rabbit in the James Stuart movie.  "Ok, Harvey, a Coke will be fine."

He seemed a little soused, but not unbearably so.  I reached out, unbuttoned a couple of buttons of his lumberjack shirt, and slid my hand down to feel his firm, hairy chest.  Few twinks have that much hair -- I was hooked!

I reached down and groped him.

Nice bulge.  Maybe a Kielbasa beneath the belt.  I was even more hooked!

"Hey!" Harvey exclaimed.  "This place is dead!  Let's go to the Rage!"

The notoriously noisy twink bar?

"Well, I'm here with my friends.  We were going to the Faultline.  We're a little old for the Rage."

"Nonsense.  You're with me.  Harvey can open every door."

The Rage was only a few blocks from our old apartment.  Maybe it would be fun.

It wasn't.  The music was blaring, the air was thick with cigarette smoke and poppers, and there were swarming munchkins everywhere.  It was uncomfortable for everyone, especially the bears I dragged along.


They sat at one of the little round tables, Lane with a soda and Randall with a beer, while Harvey and I danced.  Or did whatever swaying movements we could with the press of gyrating twinks.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was Randall.

"Hey, either seal the deal and let's go home and screw," he yelled, trying to make himself understood over the roar, "Or drop this twink and let's go home and screw!"

"Ok, ok."  I took Harvey by the hand and led him to a dark area where couples went to kiss.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked, grinning.

"What do you think?"  I put my arms around him, and we started kissing.  He allowed only a brief kiss-- not very impressive.  I reached down and groped him again.  His Kielbasa became aroused, but he didn't t grope me in return.

A bit cool, but I was too into him to notice.  "Let's go back to my place.  I'm staying in my friends' guest room."

"You kidding!  The night is young, and there's about a dozen more clubs we haven't been to yet.  Let's go up to the Strip -- the Viper Room!"

"Well, I'm sort of ready to go home now," I said anxiously.

He put his arm around me, not affectionately, but as a way of steering me away.  "Another time, Bro. Let me give you my number."

Suddenly I remembered that lots of guys in West Hollywood don't do hookups. They want to date, get to know you better.

I handed him a notebook, and he scribbled a number and the name "Nate," not "Harvey."  I gave him mine, too.

"Are you free tomorrow night, Nate?  I'm going to an Oscar party at this great house in the heart of Old Hollywood."

"Sounds great!  Call me!"

I kissed him again, and reluctantly left him at the Rage.

Randall, Lane, and I went to the Faultline, but they cautioned "No more twinks!  Act your age!"

I was too embarrassed to try to pick up anyone else, anyway.

The next day I called Nate's number about noon and about 5:00 pm, and got an answering machine both times.

The day after that, I called the number again, got an answering machine again, and gave up.

A few weeks later, back in New York, I happened to be home on Friday night, switching through the tv channels, and I ran into Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the sitcom based on the Archie comics series.  I hadn't seen it since the first season.


There was Harvey, Sabrina's boyfriend, played by 22-year old Nate Richert.

I had gone out with a celebrity, without realizing it!

I watched Sabrina as often as possible after that, and paid attention to Nate's later career.

He tried to distance himself from his squeaky-clean TGIF roots with horror and indie projects, like Are You a Serial Killer? and Demon Island (about a haunted pinata, no kidding).

His last acting role was H-e-n-r-y (2006), a short about a basketball game in a prison yard.

But he became an accomplished musician, producing music videos and a 2004 album (Tone Control) with a sort of rockabilly-blues beat.  A lot of songs about lost loves and problematic relationships, some heterosexual, some ambiguous, like "Peace of Mind."

I don’t believe in your fairytale.
Dreams come and go with the light of the moon.
You kick the black cat right out of our trail.
It may not last forever but it won’t be over soon

Nate has had several girlfriends, and was married to his childhood sweetheart, Catherine Hannah, for several years.  The couple has since divorced.

So what did that night at the Gold Coast and the Rage mean?

Was Nate gay and closeted?

Bisexual, just starting to explore his attraction to guys?

Straight, trying to make friends, not sure how to respond to aggressive cruising?

I have no idea.

See also Michael J. Fox Beneath the Belt; My Date with the Star of "Wizards of Waverly Place" and My Date with the Nickelodeon Boy

3 comments:

  1. I imagine that Nate was drinking a little that night because his show was moving to the WB Network, and his character was being written out, or at least relegated to an occasional guest role.

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  2. Nate Richert is now performing regularly at the Piano Bar on Selma in Hollywood.

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  3. Shake your whammy fanny, funky song funky song...

    Wait, I thought part of being a twink was smooth skin.

    ReplyDelete