Friday, October 13, 2017

The 10 Ugliest Well-Hung Guys

Have you ever noticed that the uglier the guy, the bigger the penis?  It's as if nature has compensated for his clock-stopping face and gag-inducing physique, or it's giving you a reward for being able to look beyond the Ugly Duckling exterior.

Here are the 10 ugliest well-hung guys I could find on the internet.

1. Backward baseball caps do not belong on any guy over age 20.  And he should find some other hobby besides getting those gross tattoos that draw attention away from his Kielbasa.

2. Nice physique, really nice delts, and a thick Bratwurst, but the room would have to be very dark to hide the tiny round head and Nazi moustache.

3. A good-sized Bratwurst, but the greased-back hair needs work.  Maybe the dopey expression is due to selfie-taking concentration.

4. Gigantic Kovbasa, even when you consider the camera angle and photoshopping.  But who can pay attention to the shaft with that face looming out at you?  Another dark room for this guy.

5.  Probably photoshopped, still a thin 8" garden hose. But the skinny arms, ugly tattoos, and face like a weasel are definite turn-offs.  He'd better have the mother of all scintillating personalities.

More after the break.

6. I'm not sure even a scintillating personality will get me into this guy's Mortadella+  Tattoos everywhere, including on his belly button, ugly face, and what's with the peaked hair?

7. The gypsy bandana doesn't make him look mysterious and exotic, it makes him look like a kid playing dress-up with his mother's scarves. And the dopey stare?  Well, at least he has nice abs and a thick Mortadella.

8. A word of advice: seven or eight hours of sleep every night, and shave every morning.   But your face, not your pubic hair.  Shaved pubs are ok if you're very small, so the guy going down on you doesn't get a mouthful of hair, but they look ridiculous on an uncut Mortadella.

9. The toothless smile, sharp nose, beady eyes, and crazy hair distract me from his Kovbasa.  Maybe if he's really persistent and brings me presents.

10.  The winner, the Ugliest Well-Hung Guy on the internet, comes from a website called  He's definitely not hot, and he's definitely not older, but he's definitely ugly. Check out the gaunt druggie face and skinny arms covered with tattoos.  A thick Bratwurst", but I'd still have to pass.

Don't be trolling me about how these guys are actually gorgeous.  The nice thing about physical attraction is that there are no universal standards.  No matter what you look like, you're someone's ideal of perfection.

And context is important.  A static photo doesn't tell you much.  Maybe if you encounter the guys in real life, animated, smiling, they'll seem attractive after all.

Even without the 11" beneath the belt.


  1. Well! To each his own. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

  2. I don't know about all or even most, but I assume for dick pics, he's aware it's his best feature. Anyway...

    1 is ridiculous. Backward baseball cap is the 90s version of the propeller beanie. It makes a statement, and that statement is "Word to your mother."

    2's Hitler mustache, oh, sorry, "alt facial hair", when "I'm lazy at" is the BEST interpretation, no, just no.

    3 isn't that bad. I'll grant that his greased-back hair looks stupid, but not sleazy. Also, when taking dick pics, you're allowed one article of clothing, or the "unzipped" look. No one in the history of fashion has ever had his pants half-dozen while lifting his shirt to show off very average abs EXCEPT for a dick pic.

    4 is really, the bad shoop and those eyebrows...The ears and nose make me think of a rat.

    5's face, FWIW, reminds me of Brad Renfro. Then again, I never thought he was hot. At best, he contrasted favorably with Nick Stahl's dark circles in Bully. But the star tattoo? I'lL grant that the name isn't on my don't blacklist. (Way too much Fraktur out there...)

    6 Soul patches never look good. Never pierce an ear more than once. And it's like a bad tattoo dex: "Bad boy" (in a faux-graffiti font no less), stars, sun around navel, and a "tribal" tattoo to complete the silliness.

    7 is where we part ways. I actually like this one.

    8 would be a good place to note the difference between millennial and boomers. I honestly think guys who trim or shave their pubic hair outnumber guys who don't at my gym. (I'd bet every last one only cares about female pubic hair when eating her out, but they all hate their own. It began in porn, moved on to sports and music, then was popularized in that Harold and Kumar movie, and from there just became the norm. Actually, even before Harold walked in on Kumar shaving, we had ads for pubic hair trimmers for men. It just never left, and everyone over 40 panics about it.) But if you shave the whole thing, you absolutely must shave your whole body other than the top of your head, MAYBE a GOOD mustache or beard, not this laziness.

    9 looks like he's getting ready to molest me.

    10 is almost a combo platter: Rat face, lazy beard, bad tattoos, wifebeater because that makes him look badass. He's half right. I do disagree with you about one thing, though: He doesn't look all that big. At least to me.

    1. I have noticed a lot of young guys with shaved pubes, but I didn't know it was actually a style. In my generation you only shaved your pubes if you were very small or you had crabs.

    2. Well the latter will be extinct if my generation has our way.

      Mark Simpson calls it the spornosexual: Shaved below the neck, spends a lot of time at the gym, often some bad tattoos. I draw the line at tattoos.

      Also, I hope autocorrect didn't mangle my initial list beyond legibility.



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