Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Five Hookups in One Day, Plus the Roommate

Plains, May 2017

When I was growing up in the 1960s and 1970s, parents, teachers, preachers, and friends all mapped out a dreary future in a heterosexist prison:

1. A Job in the factory
2. A Wife
3. A House.

I rejected all of them and fled to the safe haven of West Hollywood, where I got:

1. A Job at a muscle magazine
2. A Boyfriend
3. An Apartment.

 For the next 32 years, I lived in apartments, or rented rooms in houses, but I never considered buying a house on my own.

Home ownership was for the aging, sagging heterosexual men who browsed in hardware stores and spent their Saturdays doing yardwork and puttering about in workshops in the garage.  I don't mow lawns, I don't putter around in workshops, and I want to spend my Saturdays looking at art or having sex with men, not pricing power mowers.

Although some of the clerks are cute..

Besides, home ownership was prohibitively expensive, with a $20,000 down payment and a mortgage five times that of an apartment.



But I live in the Straight World now, where EVERYBODY over age 25 has a house.

It's a sign of maturity and stability, of adulthood.  When you tell them you have an apartment, they act as if you've said you still use diapers.  At age 50, you're a little baby?  Grow up!

And, as it turns out, the mortgage for a 4 bedroom house is about the same as the rent on a 2 bedroom apartment.  With a little leftover to hire a high school kid to mow the lawn.shirtless.

I was a little worried that with the homophobic turn the country has taken, I'd be a refugee soon, so it wouldn't be worthwhile to buy a house.  But with constant pressure coming from all sides, I had little choice.  I  bit the bullet and bought a 106 year old Victorian, probably haunted, only a few blocks from the gay-friendly coffee house.

Four bedrooms, two baths, front and back porch, balcony, three rooms in the basement (a perfect maze and dungeon for sex parties).  I'm turning one of the bedrooms into an office and renting out the other two.  Hopefully we will all become close friends, like in gay neighborhoods, and have breakfast together every morning, and hang out together.

So far I've only rented one bedroom, to Stefan, a new university graduate who works out at the YMCA and sells phones from a booth at the mall.: tall, curly hair, smooth chest, nice abs.

Bob, the 19 year old economics major I've been dating since June, will probably move into the second bedroom, unless he moves into mine.

I've only been here two months, and most of that time was traveling, but one thing I learned last Friday about living in a house:

It vastly increases your hookup success rate.

Apartment: 
"Ok, let's hook up.  Here's the address.  Type this code in the security box, and when I buzz you in, go down the hall, turn right, go to the end of the hall, turn left, go up the stairs, and it's the second door on the left."

House:
"Here's the address. Corner house."

Apartment:
"But what if someone sees me in the hall?  They'll realize that I'm on my way to have sex with a guy, and publish my picture in the newspaper, and I'll be arrested."

House:
"Ok, I'll be right over."

When I put a hookup ad on craigslist, I got five guys coming over in one day, and not just twinks:

1. A very slim black guy with an enormous cock.

2. A 18-year old freshman

3. Rick, a tan blond guy in his 40s in a business suit.

4. A husky guy in his 20s with a Kielbasa+.

5. A bald, short bear with a small cock.

I gave them a choice of living room or bedroom, figuring my roommate was at work and wouldn't be home for hours.  But just as I was going own on #5 on the living room couch, Stefan walked in.

I raised my head and smiled at him.  "Stefan, this is Rick.  You don't mind if I entertain guests in the living room, do you."

He walked over and sat beside Rick and put his hand on his knee.  "Not if I can get a little piece of the action."

I had just offered Rick oral sex, but he and Stefan started kissing and fondling, and soon they were both naked on the floor.  I went down on Stefan -- 6", cut -- and then kissed him while Rick was going down on him.  Then Rick pulled out a condom and topped Stefan while he went down on me.

Afterwards they both went back to work, leaving me to wait for #4.

Going down on the roommate: another perk of living in a house.

L

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