The Four Fugly Hookups of Minneapolis

I'm in Minneapolis for a conference, and so far I am not happy.  Bitterly cold in late March.

This is supposed to be the gay neighborhood, but it's sketchy and dissolute, lots of derelicts sleeping in doorways and people walking slowly while talking to themselves, not many gay people.

I did find a gay store, in a little galleria where they were triple-parked.  The moment I walked inside, the clerk said suspiciously "Can I help you find anything?"

"Um...you sell souvenirs and gifts.  I didn't come here with a shopping list.  I want to browse."

The food is frightfully expensive -- $20 for breakfast?  My travel allowance is $10.

And the city is downright ugly!  Beat up, boarded up buildings, dismal storefronts, broken sidewalks, busy streets that you have to run across.

The Walker Museum of Art doesn't look like this.  The facade is completely covered by construction tarps, and you have to wait for three stoplights across a major highway to get there.

And the hookups!  Lord have mercy!

I put ads on Grindr, Adam4Adam, Scruff, and Men4SexNow, and get nothing except for three hustlers in a row.  "Could I get some gas money?"  "You generous?"  "You pay me for cock?"

Finally I get a decent guy: Carlo, a tall, muscular guy in his 30s who sends me two buffed body pics and two cock pics (top photo).  I invite him over for a blow job.  He's supposed to arrive at 8:00.

8:00, 8:10, 8:20.  No Carlo.  Meanwhile someone named UseMeSir chirps:  "Oh, sir, I want you to fuck me."

"Oral only."

"I'll do anything you want.  I want you to completely dominate me.  Take complete control."

"Well, I don't have any ropes."

"Oh, I'll provide those, sir.  Just take me and use me, make me your slave."

A hotel room BDSM scene?   Might be interesting, and Carlo is definitely a no show.  I invite UseMeSir over at 9:00.

Fugly #1: Carlo

9:00 sharp.  Carlo arrives, an hour late!  "I'm sorry, I couldn't find a parking space."

Nothing like his photo, a slim feminine guy with pomaded hair and a fragrance, but I figure, what the heck?  I'll do him and get him out of there fast.

"We have to be quick," I tell him.  "I have another guy coming at 9:00."

"Another guy?"  His eyes widen.  "I should be going."  And he rushes out so fast he makes a zooming sound.

Oh, well, I can wait for UseMeSir.

9:10, 9:15, 9:30, no UseMeSir.  Obviously a no show.

BoatGuy is a buffed blond who says he lives in Wisconsin, 45 minutes away, but is willing to drop everything in a heartbeat and drive in.

Ok, I'm desperate.  He says he'll be here at 10:30.

At 10:30 sharp UseMeSir arrives!

"Oh, sir, I'm sorry I'm late, I got drunk to boost my courage enough to come here, and then I lost my cell phone, and a lady found it for me."

He's hideous, about my height, skinny, ugly face, sore on his forehead, more open sores on his arms and legs.  Do people get Karposi's Sarcoma anymore?

"Are you sick?" I ask.  "You have open sores."

"That's just eczema.  Everybody in my family has sensitive skin."

He's hideous, but I figure, he's already here, and BoatGuy will probably be a no show.  So I order him to get naked, and tie him to a chair.  Then I gag him, blindfold him, and attach clothespins to his nipples.

And BoatGuy knocks on the door!  He showed up after all!

Fugly #2: BoatGuy.  A buffed blond with a barrel chest.  Very hot.  But I  have a hideous ugly guy tied to a chair.

BoatGuy's eyes widen.

"This is my 9:00 -- he arrived a little late.  You can watch, or participate, or wait in the lobby for about 20 minutes until the scene is over, whichever you want."

But he scrams out of there as if all of the demons of hell are chasing him.

I can't blame him.  I'm mortified with embarrassment.

Fugly #3: UseMeSir.

I am really angry with UseMeSir for depriving me of two hookups!  You don't do a BDSM scene when you are angry, so I untie him and get him out of there.

Outraged, I go back on Grindr.  Someone named Top You Now sends me just a cock picture and says it's 7.5".  I know, bad idea, but I'm even more desperate, so I invite him over.

Fugly #4: Top You Now:  About 1000 years old, with a drooping face, bad yellowed teeth, and skin tags and moles everywhere.  I can hardly stand to look at him.  He wants to kiss, but no way I'm putting my mouth on that face!

It's not 7.5".  More like 4.5".

I go down on him anyway.

Wouldn't you?

Tomorrow I'm not even going to try.  Museums and art galleries only.  Congratulations, Minneapolis, you beat out Houston as my least favorite city in the U.S.

More Clothed-Nude Men

I love photo montages of men fully clothed and then nude.  It gives you a chance to hone your bulge-watching skills.

1. I still can't figure out where he was packing it.

2.  Why do people who obviously aren't gang members flash gang signs?

3.He looks like he's up for a role in Chorus Line.  The nude photo will give him a better chance.

4.  I love the ones that have the same pose with and without.  Some of these come from the old Speci-Men site, which gradually erased the clothes.

5.  He seems thinner without.

6. I didn't know he had the tattoo.  Kind of ruins the "clean-cut, innocent" effect.

7.  I like a guy who is more comfortable naked than clothed.

9.  Nice belly.

10.  No fair -- you have to show the basket in the "clothed" photo.

11.  You're forgiven.

Nude Photos of Kurt Russell

Kurt Russell (1951-) is a child star turned fresh-scrubbed Disney Adventure Boy, the subject of my first crush.  In adulthood he played cops, fast-talking con artists, taciturn man-mountain heroes, and finally grizzled old guys.  

We got a nice view of his muscular backside in the buddy-cop movie Tango and Cash (1989).  He's on the left, next to Sylvester Stallone.

But for a frontal, we had to wait until 2007, when the beefy 56-year old was photographed nude in Malibu.

Kurt's man-boobs and belly disturbed many long-term fans who expected him to look the same as he did in 1989.  Or even in 1968, when he starred in The Secret of Boyne Castle.

He doesn't have the same face or physique that he had at age 39.  Or at age 17.  None of us do.  But no matter how much your body changes over time, your penis stays the same.

There are two posts about Kurt Russell on Boomer Beefcake and Bonding:
Kurt Russell's Secret
Kurt Russell: Teen Idol Turned Man Mountain