The Security Guard on My Sausage List

Wilton Manors, September 2001

In West Hollywood, there were strict age limits on dating.  More than 5 years older or younger, and you were gossiped about and not invited to parties.

In New York, the lower age limit was gone.  It was perfectly acceptable, even expected, for someone in his late 30s to be seen with a 20-year old Cute Young Thing.

When I moved to Florida in 2001, the upper age limit was gone, too.  It was perfectly acceptable, even expected, for someone in his early 40s to be seen with a 60-year old Daddy.

Of course, the older still had to wait for the younger to approach, lest he be labeled a Creepy Old Guy.  So I never approached 60-something Troy at the Sunshine Cathedral, a gay church in Fort Lauderdale: we were "just friends."

We continued to be "just friends" when we started working out together at the Club Fort Lauderdale, and going out to dinner, usually to a Japanese fusion place called Kenji.



Troy was a retired physician who had just come out upon his wife's death.

He was well-versed in Eastern mysticism, the paranormal, and the occult.  He had a gay Tarot cart deck.  We talked about Zen Buddhism and mysterious disappearances and my summer in Japan.    

But I adamantly rebuffed his attempts to get physical.  I was dating another guy from the Sunshine Cathedral, 24-year old Matt, who wasn't very bright, but had 3 of the 5 qualities that I find attractive: muscular, religious, and gifted beneath the belt (#1 on the list of the 15 biggest "sausages" I've ever encountered).

Matt was trying to write a novel about a hard-boiled noir detective who happened to be gay, and in the meantime worked as a night-time security guard.  We usually went out in the early evening, before his shift started.

The only time Matt and Troy saw each other was during Sunday morning services at the Sunshine Cathedral, and once or twice when I invited them both over for dinner.

Or so I thought.

That fall Troy went on a vacation to China and Tibet.  He brought me back a stamp shaped like monkey with Davis in Chinese characters:

丹尼斯 Dān ní sī, "Nice Redhead", which I suppose is is better than Boomer:  杰夫 Jié fū, "Outstanding Husband."

He brought Matt a silk shirt that beautifully highlighted his pecs.  But I didn't think anything of it at the time; he also brought back a souvenir for Yuri, who he barely knew.

I didn't think anything of it when Matt occasionally said that he was too tired to go out, and Troy was also busy.  In your 40s, you can stay home on Friday and Saturday night without feeling guilty.

So I went home for Christmas, to hear my old high school teacher make the most homophobic comment in the world.

After two weeks, I flew back from Rock Island, and Matt and I spent New Year's Eve together.

But on January 4th, Matt said he was too tired to go out before his shift, so I went to the Club by myself.

You know where this is going: Matt and Troy in a dark corner, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

"We've been dating since Christmas," Matt explained. "I didn't know how to tell you."

Troy just grinned.  Age trumps beauty.

See also: The Georgia Boy and the Cute Young Thing; and The Coffee Drinker

I Learn How to Cruise in the Nazarene Church

I feel torn about growing up in the Nazarene Church. 

There were a lot of rules no movies, dancing, theater, carnivals, circuses, rock music, secular literature, or shopping on Sunday -- but there were lots of ways of sneaking around them.  Life was quite interesting, one caper after another.

The three hour-long fire-and-brimstone sermons every week were tedious --God hates everybody and everything, I get it -- but the altar calls were fun. Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of "praying through to victory" while half a dozen cute men and boys are hugging and touching you.



It was gratifying to realize that only Nazarenes, out of all the hundreds of religions and Christian denominations in the world, got it right, knew how to avoid going to hell for all eternity.  But it was also a big responsibility: you had to win souls. Your family (if they were unsaved), your classmates, strangers on the street.

In high school soulwinning class, we learned that there were five main techniques, ranked from least to most difficult:

1.  Just be cheerful. Smile.  Say "Isn't it a beautiful day?"  Sinners are miserable all the time, so they will eventually beome curious and ask: "Why are you so happy all the time, when the rest of us are so miserable?"

"Well, that's because I'm saved."

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

I don't care what our soulwinning coach said, that conversation never actually happened in real life.

2. Invite them to church.   Preferably to the evening service, when there's more likely to be an altar call.  We got points and prizes for contacting prospects -- people who had attended Sunday school or church and then dropped out.  Sometimes they just attended once.

3. Witness.  Inform the sinner that you are saved, and let them make the first move:

"Sorry, I can't go to the Breaking the Ten Commandments party this weekend because I'm saved." 

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

That conversation never happened in real life, either.

4. The Soul Winning Conversation. This was the most difficult, and therefore the most prestigious.  Walk up to a stranger, start a conversation, and win their soul right there on the spot. 

The "mark" should be about your age, and of the same sex (coach didn't explain why).  He should be alone, not in a group.  He should be in situation where he won't have to leave right away, say studying in the library or eating in a restaurant.

Start the conversation by finding a topic of common interest.  Then encourage him to talk about himself.  Eventually he will mention being miserable, like all sinners are all the time, and you can say something like "What if I told you you could be happy all the time?"

Boom! Pull out your Bible.  If he doesn't run away, you've got him!

Actually, that never worked, either, but through high school I had carte blanche to approach any cute boy I wanted, just by saying that I wanted to win his soul.

And when I started cruising -- meeting guys in gay bars, or in gay neighborhoods anywhere -- I found the soulwinning techniques invaluable.

1. Someone who is alone, not in a group, and in a situation where he won't leave right away.

2. Start with a topic of common interest.

3. Encourage him to talk about himself.

4. Eventually he will let you know that he is interested in sex, or a date, or both.

5. Boom!  Pull out your phone number, or your penis, or both.

Schlong, Schlanger, Schvantz: 18 Yiddish Words for Penis

A Germanic language influenced by Slavic and Hebrew, Yiddish was spoken throughout the Jewish communities of Eastern Europe from the 9th century on to World War II.

Jewish immigrants to the United States brought a strong tradition of Yiddish literature, art, and theater.  In the early 20th century, entertainers such as the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers introduced many Yiddish words into everyday English, including klutz, schlep, kitsch, and chutzpah.

Many more are familiar: nebbish, schvitz, tuches.

There are still 1.5 million native speakers of Yiddish, mostly in the Ukraine, Israel, and the United States.  They are mostly elderly: except in a few Hasidic communities, the language is not being taught to the younger generations.

But many young Jews are learning Yiddish in order to embrace their cultural heritage.  You can major in Yiddish Studies at Columbia University and Rutgers,   The Digital Yiddish Library offers free downloads of over 11,000 titles.

So knowing a few Yiddish words for penis might come in handy for cruising at your local synagogue.

Note: most of these terms are obscene, so don't use them when your boyfriend's bubbie is making kiska in the other room.

Small 

Petseleh.  Baby-sized penis.

Schmeckel.  Diminuitive of "schmuck" (see below).

Schmecky.  A children's euphemism, like "wee-wee."

Schtickl.  A tiny penis.  From "schtick," a little bit, a familiar term in English for a comedy routine.

Average Sized/General Terms

Bokher.  Literally "boy."

Brit. Jewish/circumcized penis.  From the Hebrew for "covenant."

Eyver.  The polite term. From the Hebrew for "leg."

Mile.  Another polite term.

Putz, potz.  Literally "ornament."  Also "jerk, fool"

Schmuck, schmock. Also "jerk, fool."  The Three Stooges, who incorporated a lot of Yiddish into their act, called each other "schmucks" a lot.

Vyzoso.  Also "idiot."  The son of Haman, the enemy of the Jews in the Biblical book of Esther.

Large/Extra-Large

Schlang, schlong.  From the Persian for "snake."  Donald Trump was being quite vulgar when he claimed that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by President Obama.

Schlanger.  An extra big schlang.

Schmohawk.  An extra big schlanger.  They don't get much bigger.

Schtrunkel. The biggest of the big.  Literally "tree trunk."

Schtupper.  From "schtup," to have sex with someone.

Schvantz.  From the Middle High German for "tail."

Yung.  From "young man."

So Yiddish has 4 words for a small penis, 7 for an average size, and 7 for an extra-large?

I like those odds.

See also: 6000 Ways to Say "Penis"