Monday, January 4, 2016

15 Rules of Public Hookups

In spite of the proliferation of smart-phone hookup apps like Grindr and Adam4Adam, I still prefer meeting guys in public places for dating or hookups.

It's more fun.  Hookup apps are like going to a smorgasbord -- you know you're going to get something, you just have to decide on what.  Public cruising is unpredictable -- there might not be anyone you like, or the guy you like might not be available, or you might not be able to "seal the deal."  The search is as much fun as the act itself.

It's more reliable.  Online photos are photoshopped into oblivion.  Besides, no photo or video can compare to seeing the guy in person, touching him, feeling his energy in a real place.

It's more interesting.  You don't get a full bio and long lists of interests, tastes, and sexual positions handed to you, so you have to ask.  Finding out about the guy is much more interesting than reading a resume.

Of course, you have to be careful.  Not everyone you meet in a public place wants to be your friend.  Here are the rules for hookups, finding someone for a sexual encounter with no expectation of an ongoing relationship:

1. Select your venue carefully.  You can meet men anywhere, but if they're at work or rushing to work, they're unlikely to have the time to stop and chat.  I suggest a place where there are a lot of guys at leisure, like a bar, a shopping mall, the gym, a museum, or the beach.

And someplace within an easy drive of your apartment.  Nothing is worse than meeting someone you like and having him say "I live only 45 minutes from here."

2. Go in the early afternoon.  In the morning, everyone is too tired to think about sex or romance, and in the evening, they're all rushing out to dinners, dates, and club meetings.  The best hours are between 2 and 6 pm.  If you haven't met someone by that time, give up.

3. Go with a buddy.  Cruising alone makes you seem creepy, especially if you are over 40.  Besides, everyone looks more attractive in a group, and your buddy can help you judge potential partners.

4. Do not drink while cruising.  Or drink only in moderation.  The same thing with drugs.  You need a clear head to judge potential partners.  If you are drunk or high, you will make mistakes.

5. Gather information.  When you see someone that you find attractive, strike up an ordinary conversation. Talk about the music at the bar, the exhibits at the museum, the food at the festival.  Move on to questions about jobs, leisure interests, family, and so on.  If he is hesitant, or if his story has blatant contradictions, move on.

6. Don't discuss sizes or sexual acts.  Oddly, talking about sex makes you seem less sexy.  If he asks, be brief and noncommittal.  If he wants details, chances are he has no intention of following through with a meeting.  He just enjoys thinking about sex.

But what if we're completely incompatible?

No such thing.  Two people who are attracted to each other can always find something to do in bed.

7. Word the invitation carefully.  You are obviously attracted to each other, so where do you go from here?  A friendship, a romance, or a hookup?

If you invite him to do something specific  -- get coffee, go to a movie -- you are initiating a romance.
If you invite him to get together, and specify in the future -- you are initiating a friendship.
If you invite him to get together now -- you are initiating a hookup.

These next rules are for hookups:

8. Invite him to your place, if possible.  You are more relaxed and in control when it's your own space.

9. Take your own cars.    Never get into a car with someone you don't know well.

10.  Make sure that someone knows where you are.  Have your roommate in the house.  Have your buddy follow you.  Give someone his contact information.  Don't just disappear with the guy.

11. Clean your apartment in advance.  Nothing spoils the mood more than dirty dishes in the sink, an unmade bed, and an overflowing clothes hamper.

12. Hide your valuables.  Leave your wallet in the car.

13. Bring condoms.  Safe sex practices only!

14. Don't kick him out afterwards.  If it is a daytime hookup, etiquette demands that you offer him coffee or a snack afterwards.  If it's a night time hookup, spending the night is customary.

15. Don't pretend that you want a relationship.  I've had one-night stands who made a big deal of giving me their number, and it turned out to be fake.  Hookups sometimes become friendships or romances, but it's perfectly ok if they do not.  Of course, you may want to go farther -- in that case, ask him for a date on the spot.  Otherwise, just say "Thank you for coming over," and add him to your list of memories.

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