Are Mike and Calvin Friends or Lovers?

Wilton Manors, October 2004

You're at a heterosexual party, and you want to know if it's ok to flirt with that hot person who came with the hetero guy.  Are they just friends, or lovers?

Easy: if it's a man, they're friends.  You may occasionally be mistaken, but 99 times out of 100, you can distinguish between friends and lovers by gender.

If you're not sure, check their level of physical intimacy.  Heterosexuals rarely sit with their hands on their friend's knee, or make out with them, or go down on them.

If you're still not sure, find out if they live together.  Heterosexuals over age 25 usually shy away from living with friends, thinking of it as "juvenile": grown-ups should only live with lovers.

With gay men, it's not so easy.

1. Both friends and lovers are men.

2. Friends have no qualms about physical intimacy.  They are perfectly willing to make out with you, or to go down on you.  But sometimes lovers are sexually incompatible, and rarely do anything.

3.  Friends often live together, and lovers sometimes do not.

4. Guys often have very close, inseparable friends.

But you have to be able to distinguish.  It's extremely rude to invite one lover but not the other to a party, to give a Christmas present to one but not the other, or even to hold a conversation with one without asking "How's your boyfriend?"

It's even more rude to cruise a guy's lover.

Mike and Calvin were two guys who worked out at Barney's gym: both in their 30s, buffed but not bodybuilders, with smooth chests and big biceps.  Mike was taller, pale/Anglo, and a little more buffed.  Calvin was shorter, dark/Hispanic, with longer hair, and a bigger penis (I saw them both in the shower).

I was interested in Calvin.  But I couldn't cruise him openly, until I knew whether they were friends or lovers.

And of course I couldn't just ask.  It was a complete taboo to ask "Are you guys together?"  It reminded us of growing up in the straight world, where two guys together were automatically assumed friends, where gay people were assumed not to exist.

So I had to figure it out some other way.  In weight room conversations, I learned that Mike was from Ohio, and had lived in Florida for three years.  He worked in the hospital.  Calvin grew up in Miami, and worked in a souvenir shop.  

That's all very interesting, but are you friends or lovers?

"Do you live together?" I asked.

"Oh, no, Mike has his own place," Calvin said.  "You should see his roommate!  Super-hot, but not into sharing."

That wasn't conclusive: you could share with friends or lovers.

They always lifted together, but they did separate cardio: Calvin on a treadmill, Mike on an elliptical (nobody jogged outside in Florida).  So I chose the treadmill next to Calvin and quizzed him for more details.  He came out as a teenager; his parents, conservative Catholics, tolerated him but didn't allow him to bring friends or boyfriends around: "They've never met Mike."

Suddenly Mike appeared on the treadmill on the other side of Calvin, and started a conversation of his own.

Jealous?  Trying to steer Calvin away? They must be lovers!

But at least I could have sex with Calvin.  Sharing seemed out of the question, but I could invite them to a party with sex games...

I approached them in the locker room.  "Barney, the gym owner, is having a party Saturday night, and we'd like you to come."

"I think we're busy," Mike said.

"Oh, come on," Calvin said, "You're always complaining that we don't meet any normal gay guys, just club kids into nonstop dancing and sex.  Won't it be nice to just hang out and have a conversation, without a lot of pressure to get naked?"

Uh-oh.  Getting naked was exactly what I had in mind!

So I planned a sedate, non-erotic dinner party, with Trivial Pursuit and a gay-themed DVD instead of sex games, and invited Yuri and his boyfriend Keith, Barney, Wade the Beach Boy, and Mike and Calvin.

When it came time for the celebrity dating stories, I told about my lunch with Michael J. Fox, without turning it into an energetic session of oral sex.

Mike and Calvin sat together on the couch, occasionally grabbing each other's knee or whispering in each other's ear.

When we played Trivial Pursuit, Mike and Calvin were on my team.  I tried to sit next to Calvin, but Mike pushed his way between us.

Possessive much?

Before we started the movie, Yuri and I went into the kitchen to dish out the dessert (low-fat pumpkin fluff with graham crackers).  Calvin followed.

"You guys need any help?"

"We got it, thanks," I said.

He wrapped his arms around me from the rear.  "So when you going to ask me out, Papi?"



I turned to face him.  Our crotches pressed together.  "Um...I thought..."

I glanced over at Yuri for help.  He was bent over the coffee maker, pretending not to notice.

"I know, Mike isn't being very nice.  He thinks you're not good enough for me.  But he's not my Daddy -- I can pick my own men."  He kissed me briefly.  "So, about that date..."

Calvin and Mike were friends after all!

In case you were wondering: anal bottom, but I talked him into letting me go down on him and doing interfemoral.

We only had one date, and I never got to share with Mike, who still didn't approve.

Friends That You Haven't Seen Naked

Q: Is it true that when you lived in gay neighborhoods, you had sex with all your friends?

A.  Yes, if you classify "friend" as someone you see socially on a regular basis.  Remember, most friends started off as guys you dated, so we had sex then.  After we broke up, we shared new boyfriends, cruised together, had sex at parties, or just had sex because...well, why wouldn't you?

Q: Did you ever have a friend that you weren't attracted to?

A: Since most friends were ex-boyfriends and hookups, there weren't many guys I didn't find attractive in my social circle  The only way I might hang out with someone I didn't find attractive is if one of my friends was dating him.  Even then, I would certainly go down on him, or let him go down on me.  It would be rude not to.

Q: What about guys who were celibate, asexual, or saving themselves for Mr. Right?

A. I  rarely met anyone like that.  I think that, the culture was so much about sex as a standard form of recreation, part of nearly every social gathering, it was hard for them to make and keep friends.

Q: Monogamous couples?

A: There weren't many of those around.  Some guys speculated that they didn't exist at all, but I think that "sharing" was such a common part of the culture that without it, monogamous couples just couldn't make a lot of friends.  They had each other.


Q: Did you have any friends who were women or straight men?

A:  Lesbians shared the space with us, and were working toward the same goals, but they were allies, not friends.  I talked to them at church and at club meetings, but didn't hang out with them.

Straight people were the enemy.  You didn't speak to them if you could help it.  Even if they seemed ok, you could never come out -- too dangerous, you would get screamed at.  But you couldn't pretend to be straight, either -- "passing" was the worst possible crime.  So you could never let your guard down enough to become friends.






Q: Sounds rather constrained.

A: That's not a question, but remember, gay men come in all sizes and shapes, all races and religions, all socioeconomic classes and personality types.  Our social circles were much more diverse than those of heterosexuals, who tend to be similar in age, race, and background.

Q: How do friendships in the straight world differ?

There aren't enough gay men around to form a full social circle.  You end up having lunch with women, and going to parties full of straight people, so of course sex isn't even thought of.

Q: But you still have sex with your gay friends, right?

That's the interesting part. Maybe because they're so used to hanging out with women and straight men, but gay men here usually don't have sex with their friends.  If you're dating and break up, you don't have sex again, not even to "share." I've tried to change the culture, but with limited success.

Q: Does it bother you?

Not really.  It's actually rather nice to spend an entire evening without worrying about your sexual performance.  But still, I miss the days when you would go to a party knowing that, before the end of the evening, you would see every guy there naked.