How to Host a Real West Hollywood Party

In West Hollywood our main form of entertainment was the Dinner Party. We hosted them, or were invited to them, at least once a week. They were a good way to catch up in those days before text messaging, meet your friends' new boyfriends, and of course, do a little sharing.

But you don't need to live in West Hollywood to host a real West Hollywood Party.  You can do it anywhere, even in small towns on the Plains.

The Date and Time:

Saturday night is best.  Ask everyone to arrive by 6:00, so they'll be there by 6:30.  You sit down to eat at 7:00, have the entertainment at 8:00, and the bedroom or bars by 10:00.

The Guest List:

The most that can sit comfortably in your living room, at least four, as many as eight plus you, your partner, and your housemates.

Only gay men, of course, and always an even number.

About half single and half partnered (romantic couples or best-friend pairs).  Try for a mix of races and ages, and be sure to include:

1, A celebrity.  Someone who is famous, at least locally. Actors are best, but musicians, politicians, and porn stars will work, too.

2. A newcomer, someone who has just come out.  A Cute Young Thing preferred, but not required.

The Pre-Dinner Refreshments:

Most of my friends didn't drink, so there was just an assortment of soft drinks, juices, and coffee and tea.  I suppose you could have alcohol, but not a lot.  Some of the guys will be heading to the bars later.

For appetizers, something simple, cheese and crackers, a veggie platter, or hummus with pita pieces.

The Background Music:

Either classical or a selection of gay-positive pop songs.  If you want to do the 1980s, I suggest:
1. "I'm Coming Out"
2. "It's Raining Men"
3. "Time Warp"
4. "Like a Virgin"

Never jazz, country-western, or show tunes!

The Conversation:

Before dinner, about half the conversation should involve gym routines, and the other half the latest movies and tv programs with gay subtexts or hunky stars.

Afterwards, it will be about sex, coming out, or homophobia.

If there's a lull in the conversation, ask guys to share one of the following:
1. Your coming out story.
2. The biggest penis you ever had.
3. A date from hell.
4. A celebrity date or hookup.

The Dinner:

We eat healthy all week, so the Dinner Party is a time to show your skill.  Fatty meats, cheeses, cream sauce, rich desserts, bring them all out. Make sure it's colorful and festive-looking.

 But don't prepare too much: half of your guests will just have a salad.

The Entertainment:

Usually a movie: fast, easy, and visual. But nothing serious or hard to follow: you will be chatting constantly throughout.  A gay classic, or an action/adventure movie with a lot of beefcake.

You can substitute a gay-themed version of Trivial Pursuit or another party game, or, if you have some willing volunteers and the group is cool with it, an erotic dance or a sex show.

The Bedroom:

After the entertainment, your guests have the choice of going out to the bars together, or "sharing."

If they opt for sharing, they get to mingle and decide who will be going with who.

A committed couple or pair of friends can go with any single guy, but single guys can't hook up with each other.  No more than three per room. .  And the activity must occur in private.

You should have at least two rooms prepared for sharing.  If more than six guys are interested, they will have to wait their turn.

Spending the night is optional.

Don't be surprised if you're invited to three or four West Hollywood Parties thrown by your friends next weekend.

See also: Jimmy the Boy Toy's West Hollywood Party

How to Avoid Being a Creepy Old Guy

Name five things wrong with this profile pic:

1. The angle makes his head look small.
2. The frown and crossed arms make him look angry.
3. His chest is missing.
4. His belly is emphasized.
5. He looks like a Creepy Old Guy.

Creepy means that your appearance, demeanor, or words make the person looking at you or talking to you feel uncomfortable, but not actually threatened.

A ghost is not creepy.  A haunted house that might contain ghosts is.

A man pointing a gun at you is not creepy.  A man leering at you is.

But not every man leering at you.  Only those who are doing something wrong, introducing the erotic into situations where it is inappropriate.

This guy is aroused, but does not look at all open to sexual activity, thus creepy.

 Anybody can be creepy, but I hear it most often about older guys approachng younger.

There are a dozen factors that can make you appear creepy, no matter what your intentions are, as you push into your 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, thus severely reducing your likelihood of doing this.

 So here are the rules:

1. Own Your Age

Be comfortable with your physical appearance as a 40, 50, 60, and 70 year old.  Don't try to forestall the inevitable changes of age.  Own your baldness, wrinkles, and grey beard.


2. Up Your Grooming 

Erotic desirability is a combination of attractive traits, which vary from person to person , and the lack of unattractive traits, which don't vary much: nose and ear hair, spotty or irregular head hair, body odor, bad breath, moles, warts, skin tags, liver spots.

As we age, our unattractive traits increase, so we have to be extra careful to eliminate or hide them.

Impeccable grooming and personal hygiene are a must.  Shower, shave, shampoo, brush, wash, trim, deodorize.

3. Hit the Gym

Being over 40 is no excuse for sagging and bloating.  You lose a little muscle mass as you age, but if you keep up a weight training routine, the loss is negligible.  Just switch from the free weights to the machines, and decrease your running from 5 miles to 3 miles a day.

But don't hang out in the sauna for hours, turning beet-red and sweating buckets.  That's creepy.

4. Dress in a Timeless Fashion.  You don't want to dress in contemporary youth fashion, or in dinosaur clothes.  I suggest either somewhat formal, or the old standby of t-shirts and jeans.

NO baseball caps of any kind, ever.


5. Don't Try to be Down with Contemporary Culture. Are you familiar with the Angry Birds, Travis Scott, Minecraft, Chris Hemsworth, the phrase "on fleek", or whatever is the new "now"? If you are, fine -- run with it.

If not, don't try.  Youth culture changes too fast, and if you make a mistake, you sound ridiculous.






6. But..Don't Show Your Age.  A few references to David Cassidy, Ronald Reagan, and the days when there were only three channels on tv ("what's a channel?") are interesting and colorful, but you can quickly turn into Grandpa Simpson. And no coming out stories -- they weren't interesting in the 1980s, and they aren't interesting now.

I suggest current events or timeless references: Shakespeare, Renaissance art, the homoeroticism of ancient Greece.  Or just let the young guys talk about what they find interesting.


7. Don't Stare.  In the 1980s and 1990s, we hooked up by gazing at the guy we were interested in, staring at them with a frown, like we were overwhelmed and disquieted by a sudden surge of erotic interest.

That is not done anymore. Staring is creepy. The younger generation has substituted eye contact and a friendly smile.

8. Don't Touch.  A surreptitious touch on the knee on the shoulder, even a grope, used to be part of the cruising game, distinguishing "friendly" and "erotic" encounters.

No more. The younger generation kisses before touching.




9. Don't Compliment.  When you're trying to attract someone, oddly, compliments don't work.  They make you appear overeager or insincere.

10. Don't Discuss Sex.  In the 1970s and 1980s, every conversation included the terms anal, oral, top, and bottom.  No more.  Today they like to figure it out for themselves.

Instead, have a pleasant conversation on a topic of timeless interest, and wait to be invited to "hang out."

Once you're alone in a comfortable place, you can let it all hang out.

I borrowed most of these pictures from the excellent "Daddy Worship" tumblr site.

What's Wrong with an Open Relationship?

I have been getting insulted by an anonymous poster, who complains bitterly that I am a despicable person with a sad, pathetic, meaningless life because I have an open relationship.

 I no longer permit anonymous posts on this blog.

Half of these stories are about sharing boyfriends and romantic partners, so I'm not sure why someone who hates such things would be here in the first place.

But in case you have moral qualms about open relationships, here's why I think they're a good idea:











The cultures of the world have many ways of determining who is responsible for raising children.  The most common are:
1. Polygamy: several women have children with one man.
2. Polyandry: one woman has children with several men
3. Mixed: anyone in the clan can have children with anyone else.

17% of the world's cultures practice monogamy: one woman has children with one man only.










Monogamy ensures that men know that they are the biological father of the children they are raising.  But it has some drawbacks:

1. The wife becomes property, her vagina a commodity that can be bought and sold.  Through the 18th century, if a married woman was raped, the husband was assumed the victim.  If she was unmarried, the victim was the father.

2. The penalty for a wife who "cheats" is severe, but for the husband, the penalty is mild.  It is even expected that he have a "mistress" on the side.  90% of the people prosecuted under the adultery laws are female.

3. The husband and wife are expected to live alone, with their children, in"single family homes" which puts a severe strain on the world's economic resources.  Multiple-family dwellings are much more efficient.

Same-sex couples don't need to worry about pregnancy from an extramarital encounter, so why do they practice monogamy?  I have heard the following objections to sexual activity with people outside the relationship:

1.It increases the risk of sexually-transmitted diseases.

Unprotected sex increases the risk of STDs regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.  Should single gay people avoid sexual activity, also? Wrap it up!

2. The partner may find someone he likes better, and end the relationship.

Will spending an hour in the bedroom with this guy tell you if he likes The X-Files and Buddhist philosophy, if he will be supportive of your career, if he will fit in with your friends?  Of course not -- all you will find out about is his bedroom performance.  If your relationship is so fragile that it will end because you found someone better at oral sex, is it really worth preserving?









3. Heterosexual men don't do it.

Of course they do, just not as often as we do, for an obvious reason: women lose prestige by having sex, but men gain it. Think of the terms used for men and women with multiple partners: stud vs. slut.  So it takes work to persuade a woman to have sex with you, but to get a man to have sex with you, all you need to do is ask.

4. It must be disgraceful.  You wouldn't want people to find out, would you?

I would prefer that my mother, minister, and boss not be apprised of my latest three-way.  Also I wouldn't want them to know what I did with my partner last night.  And I don't want to know what they did with their partners, either.

5. It detracts from the joy, fulfillment, and fun of the relationship.

I don't see how.  It's a joy to cruise guys together, to evaluate prospects.  It's fulfilling to watch your partner in action with a guy he finds especially attractive. And it's fun to discuss afterwards.


6. I prefer monogamy, and everybody on Earth has to do things my way.

If you and your partner are both into it, feel free to only have sex with each other.  Or to not have sex at all.  It's really none of my business.  But at the same time, you don't have the right to judge me over something that my partner and I enjoy.

Semi-Open Relationships

I don't have strictly open relationships, where either partner can do anything with anybody at anytime.  What's the fun in that? I want to be there.

My relationships have usually been semi-open.

1. Either partner can engage in social activities with anyone he wants, including events that are typically considered dates: dinners, movies, and so on.

2. BUT no bedroom activity can occur without both partners being present.  All three will participate, or if one of the parties isn't into it, he can just watch.

3. At bath houses, sex clubs, and bear parties, the partners will cruise together whenever possible, but separate sexual activity is permitted.

4. If the partners are in separate cities, they can engage in bedroom activities with close friends, including "sharing" dates and romantic partners.

It's worked so far.  Twenty years of semi-open relationships with no STDs, no jealousy, no crying and recrimination, no breakups because he found someone better, and a lot of fun.

15 Rules for Hooking Up with Straight, Bisexual, and Downlow Guys

In West Hollywood many people believed that there was no such thing as a straight man.  Exclusive same-sex desire was a universal of human experience. Men who called themselves straight were just too weak or cowardly to resist the heterosexist chant of "what girl do you like?  what girl do you like? what girl do you like?"

Today we know that some men are, in fact, heterosexual, with no conscious same-sex attraction.

But others, a much larger proportion, are on the downlow, heterosexual as far as anyone knows, with wives and kids, acting on their same-sex desires only anonymously, in secret.

Others are bisexual, desiring both men and women, perhaps equally, perhaps men only occasionally, as a special "playtime."

  Still others are heterosexual, but willing to "settle" for a man if no woman is available.  What does it matter -- sex is sex..

The last three categories are open for cruising, and in small towns with a limited gay population, tremendously increase your chances of success.  But you have to be careful.  Cruising a straight or downlow man requires a whole new set of skills, and a whole new set of rules:

1. Cruise online. Straight men rarely go to gay venues, lest they be seen, and in public places they are always with women or with straight male friends who don't "know."

2. Find out how straight he is.  How occasional is his interest in men?  If he meets guys once a month or less, ok.  If he's always seeking out guys, then he's a traitor, enjoying all of the privileges that come with heterosexual identity, hoping to enjoy sexual freedom while letting "real" gay people do all the work of fighting homophobic injustice.  He's a pathetic loser.  Move on.

3. Find out how homophobic he is.  Many straight guys with occasional same-sex interests overcompensate by denigrating gay people, especially those who are open.  "I don't shout it from the housetops!" he yells.  "Marching in parades, broadcasting your sexual preferences!"  Move on.

4. Skip the first-timers.  "I've never done this before.  I've thought about it, but I've never had the nerve..."  Yeah, right.  He's been saying that for the last five years, enjoying the thought of a same-sex liaison, but always losing his nerve.  And if he does actually show up, there's no way the reality can live up to his fantasy.

5. Arrange for a daytime meeting, at your place.  Chances are these will be required anyway, since he's busy with women at night, and there are people at his place who "can't find out."

6. But not for "right now."  Anybody willing to come over "right now," without finding out a little bit about where he's going and who he's meeting, is bound to be a dud.

7. A face photo is a must.  Not necessarily to determine his degree of hotness -- it's probably 20 years old, and photoshopped.  To determine his degree of openness.  No face photo: very skittish, probably a no-show.

8 Get contact information.  A last name, a working cell phone number, an email address.  And use it to make sure it's not fake.  It might come in handy later.

9. Give him the geographic layout of your place.  He believes that passersby will see him and infer somehow that he is having a same-sex hookup.  That's ridiculous, of course, but a pedestrian on the street outside your house, or a neighbor in the hallway of your building, could make him bail.  So warn him in advance if it's apartment, if there are other houses close by, if its a well-traveled pedestrian area, and so on.

10. He gets only two chances to show up.  You wait half an hour for him to show up.  Later that day you get an email: "Sorry, the wife asked where I was going" or "Sorry, I saw somebody who looked like somebody I work with."  Set up another meeting -- we all have scheduling problems.  But if he doesn't show up the second time, move on.

11. Have a friend present.  Hopefully you've screened out the straight guys with malicious intent, and the ones who are so skittish that they might freak out over their "sordid act" and attack.  But just in case, have a friend present.

You can also protect yourself by telling your friend about the meeting, and sending him the straight guy's complete contact information.

12. ID all Cute Young Things.  14, 15, and 16 year olds lie about their age and background all the time, and saying "He told me he was 18!" is not an excuse.  If there's any doubt, ask for an ID.

13. Don't be afraid to tell him "stop talking about women."  Straight guys love to talk about women, especially during a same-sex hookup.  It reassures them that they're "really" straight.  They'll tell you all about their wives and girlfriends, discuss the attractiveness of various actresses, ask about your heterosexual dalliances, bemoan the refusal of most women to engage in their favorite sexual activities.

Don't say "Women!  Gross!"  Say something like "This is a men-only zone. For the next hour, we celebrate the masculine!"

14. Don't be afraid to give him a Gay 101 lecture.  A surprising number of straight guys have had no connection whatever to gay history and culture.  They don't know that there are gay organizations.  They don't know about Stonewall.  They are unaware of contemporary battles over workplace discrimination, religious harassment, and marriage equality.  Enlighten him, either during the online chat, or during the meeting.

15. If you see him in public afterwards, let him lead.  Straight guys are often worried that talking to a gay person in public, in any capacity, identifies them as gay.  Or they might not want their wives and straight male friends asking "So, where did you meet him?"  If he says hello first, stop to chat.  If he pretends not to know you, give him your best Attitude.

See also: 15 Rules of Gay Cruising;

15 Rules of Public Hookups

In spite of the proliferation of smart-phone hookup apps like Grindr and Adam4Adam, I still prefer meeting guys in public places for dating or hookups.

It's more fun.  Hookup apps are like going to a smorgasbord -- you know you're going to get something, you just have to decide on what.  Public cruising is unpredictable -- there might not be anyone you like, or the guy you like might not be available, or you might not be able to "seal the deal."  The search is as much fun as the act itself.

It's more reliable.  Online photos are photoshopped into oblivion.  Besides, no photo or video can compare to seeing the guy in person, touching him, feeling his energy in a real place.

It's more interesting.  You don't get a full bio and long lists of interests, tastes, and sexual positions handed to you, so you have to ask.  Finding out about the guy is much more interesting than reading a resume.

Of course, you have to be careful.  Not everyone you meet in a public place wants to be your friend.  Here are the rules for hookups, finding someone for a sexual encounter with no expectation of an ongoing relationship:

1. Select your venue carefully.  You can meet men anywhere, but if they're at work or rushing to work, they're unlikely to have the time to stop and chat.  I suggest a place where there are a lot of guys at leisure, like a bar, a shopping mall, the gym, a museum, or the beach.

And someplace within an easy drive of your apartment.  Nothing is worse than meeting someone you like and having him say "I live only 45 minutes from here."

2. Go in the early afternoon.  In the morning, everyone is too tired to think about sex or romance, and in the evening, they're all rushing out to dinners, dates, and club meetings.  The best hours are between 2 and 6 pm.  If you haven't met someone by that time, give up.

3. Go with a buddy.  Cruising alone makes you seem creepy, especially if you are over 40.  Besides, everyone looks more attractive in a group, and your buddy can help you judge potential partners.

4. Do not drink while cruising.  Or drink only in moderation.  The same thing with drugs.  You need a clear head to judge potential partners.  If you are drunk or high, you will make mistakes.

5. Gather information.  When you see someone that you find attractive, strike up an ordinary conversation. Talk about the music at the bar, the exhibits at the museum, the food at the festival.  Move on to questions about jobs, leisure interests, family, and so on.  If he is hesitant, or if his story has blatant contradictions, move on.

6. Don't discuss sizes or sexual acts.  Oddly, talking about sex makes you seem less sexy.  If he asks, be brief and noncommittal.  If he wants details, chances are he has no intention of following through with a meeting.  He just enjoys thinking about sex.

But what if we're completely incompatible?

No such thing.  Two people who are attracted to each other can always find something to do in bed.

7. Word the invitation carefully.  You are obviously attracted to each other, so where do you go from here?  A friendship, a romance, or a hookup?

If you invite him to do something specific  -- get coffee, go to a movie -- you are initiating a romance.
If you invite him to get together, and specify in the future -- you are initiating a friendship.
If you invite him to get together now -- you are initiating a hookup.


These next rules are for hookups:

8. Invite him to your place, if possible.  You are more relaxed and in control when it's your own space.


9. Take your own cars.    Never get into a car with someone you don't know well.

10.  Make sure that someone knows where you are.  Have your roommate in the house.  Have your buddy follow you.  Give someone his contact information.  Don't just disappear with the guy.

11. Clean your apartment in advance.  Nothing spoils the mood more than dirty dishes in the sink, an unmade bed, and an overflowing clothes hamper.

12. Hide your valuables.  Leave your wallet in the car.

13. Bring condoms.  Safe sex practices only!

14. Don't kick him out afterwards.  If it is a daytime hookup, etiquette demands that you offer him coffee or a snack afterwards.  If it's a night time hookup, spending the night is customary.









15. Don't pretend that you want a relationship.  I've had one-night stands who made a big deal of giving me their number, and it turned out to be fake.  Hookups sometimes become friendships or romances, but it's perfectly ok if they do not.  Of course, you may want to go farther -- in that case, ask him for a date on the spot.  Otherwise, just say "Thank you for coming over," and add him to your list of memories.