Looking for Bears in the Straight World

Plains, April 2014

The problem with living on the Plains is, all the gay men look like this.

Smooth, blond, 21.

Anxious to get you into bed, but not to be friends afterwards.

And if you do become friends, they won't be around long: they're planning to run off to the nearest gay neighborhood as soon as possible.

The guys who stick around past 30 are typically heavily closeted, on the downlow, with wives and girlfriends waiting at home, requiring "discretion" for hookups and no socialization after.

So how do I build up a friendship network, like the ones I had in West Hollywood, Florida, and even Upstate?  Guys to chat with at the bars, see at parties, have over for dinner.

Maybe if I find some bears -- chubby, husky, hairy guys, typically over 40, therefore more settled, likely to stick around town for awhile.

1. Work

There's a gay employees group that meets at a different restaurant in town once a month.

January:  12 lesbians, 2 straight allies, 1 gay man in his twenties who gives me Attitude.

You get Attitude just trying to make friends?

February: 6 lesbians, 4 straight allies, no gay men.

March: 8 lesbians, 4 straight allies, 1 gay man: Mike, a professor of education in his 60s, who agrees to a date later.

A muscle bear, rather handsome, with a hairy chest and a little belly, and a nice Kielbasa.

It's not really a date, since we never leave my apartment.  A little conversation, bedroom activities (mostly oral), and he leaves.

When I suggest more activities, he states that he's busy: club meetings, organizations, dinners with straight friends every night of the week.  But he'd be happy to come over for another hookup.
 

2. Church.


There are only two gay-welcoming churches in town. I select the Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship, which is more dedicated to social issues than spiritual enlightenment.  Every Sunday there's a new sermon on something I should feel guilty about.

I'm not eating organic, free-range, fair-trade, low-carbon footprint, locally-grown potatoes;

I'm shopping in stores that oppress workers in Guatemala.

My fitness regiment is elitist, oppressing the poor who don't have the time and money to join a gym.

I drive a car.

Besides, there's only one gay couple, Hank and Wayne, 50s and 70s, and they're totally assimilated, hanging out with straight people all the time.

I try to befriend them anyway, and end up with an evening of intense boredom, discussions of room additions and favorite recipes, and a date with their 21-year old boy toy, Jimmy.

3. Bear Parties

In West Hollywood and New York, there were bear parties every weekend, where 30 guys got together for socializing and sex.  Why couldn't I host one on the Plains?

I put an ad on craigslist and some social media sites: Bear Party, husky/hairy/chubby guys and their admirers.

Crickets.  Silence.  A few inquiries like "Will there be any really goodlooking guys there?" and "Will there be any young, cute guys there?"

Five guys show up, all smooth twinks in their 20s.

Ok.  I try again: "Gay and Grey Hookup Night."  Younger ok, but over 40 especially welcome.

More inquiries like "Will there be any young, cute guys there?"

This time I get six guys, all over 40.  All closeted, downlow, "is this discreet?", with constant discussions of "my wife" and "isn't this or that actress hot."

Sex only (mostly oral), no socializing later: "I told my wife I was out shopping for tires."

Ok, one more time:  "All ages and body types welcome."

Twenty guys, ten closeted downlow "is this discreet?" bisexual chubby bears, the rest out-and-proud, open gay twinks.

I guess I'm stuck with the twinks.

There are worse fates.


See also: My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy; Yuri and the Muscle Daddies.

The Muscle Bear Who Didn't Believe in Sharing

Rhinebeck, New York, May 1999

In the spring of 1999, when I was dating Joe the Regular Guy, we took the train up the Hudson Valley to Rhinebeck to visit his ex boyfriend Travis, the first guy he ever dated, back when he was a young, naive undergrad at Bard College.

Travis actually worked as a carpenter -- he made good money building custom furniture for rich people.  He was in his 40s, muscular, with a beard and a hairy chest, wearing overalls with no shirt.

He had two dogs, who greeted Joe enthusiastically, two cats, and a rabbit.  Plus two pick up trucks, a wood shop, a refrigerator full of beer, and a living room with copies of Field and Stream on the coffee table.  Just like my mother's relatives in Indiana, except he was gay.

 I started having fantasies of those long, dark nights at the farmhouse outside Garrett, sitting on my Uncle Paul's lap or trying spying on Uncle Ed's "gun."

Although Joe and I hadn't discussed it on the way up, I naturally expected to "share."

Rhinebeck is full of chic bistros with names like The Tasting Room and Puccini's, for the Gucci crowd that drives up from the City on weekends, but Travis took us out for pizza.  Then we watched a movie, Joe and I and the dogs on the couch, Travis and a cat occupying a chair, even though he could barely see the tv from that position.

No discussion of sharing, so I decided to bring it up myself.

"It's great that you're still such good friends with your ex," I began, ignoring the fact that in gay communities, most of your friends are ex-boyfriends.  "I'm not really close to Blake, who I dated before Joe."

Joe grabbed my knee vigorously.  Later I discovered that he was prodding me to change the subject, but I thought he was just being affectionate.

"You dated Joe's roommate?" Travis asked, eyes widening.

"Sure.  In fact, we hit it off one night when Blake and I...."

Joe nudged me.

"What?  I was just going to mention the night we..."

"...all had dinner together!  Hey, Boomer, let's go out into the backyard and look at the stars!  They're very bright out here in the woods!"

He dragged me into the back yard -- the dogs eagerly followed, thinking they were going for a walk.  "Don't talk about sharing!" he whispered savagely.  "Travis is very conservative -- he's only been with three guys in his life.  He'd go crazy if he found out we shared."

"Ok, ok, I won't bring it up."

 In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom, and passed Travis's bedroom.  The door was wide open.  Travis lay in bed.  He had kicked off the covers -- I could see a bare backside illuminated in pale light from the nightstand.  The dogs, curled up on the floor, looked up expectantly.

If he didn't want to invite us in, why did he sleep naked, with the door wide open?

I went in, patted the dogs each on the head, and moved on.

On Saturday we hiked to the top of Indian Head, and then explored the village of Woodstock, where the hippies never left.  In the evening, Travis invited a couple he knew, Todd and Henry, both hairy, bearded bears, over for grilled steaks and vegetables.  They brought a pie.

"So, how did you boys meet? Henry asked with a leer.

"Um...in the City," Joe said.  "Boomer knew my roommate Blake."

"There are so many temptations in the City!" Todd said.  "Bath houses, bear parties, hot guys cruising you all the time.  How do you manage to stay faithful?  It's hard enough for us, out here in the boondocks!"

"It takes work," Travis said, "But it's worth it, right, guys?"

But I was tired of feeling guilty over sharing.  "That's the nice thing about gay relationships -- they don't have to obey that heterosexual 'wife as property' rule.  Nobody's going to get pregnant, so who cares if you bring in a third guy from time to time? I...."

They were all staring at me, except for Joe, who had suddenly become very interested in feeding a piece of steak to a begging dog.

"Sharing?" Travis asked.

"Um...of course, it's not for everyone..."

"Oh, please, we're not hicks!" Henry said.  "We have Travis over all the time!"

I was confused.  "But...I was going to bring it up last night, but Joe said you weren't into it."

"He isn't!" Joe exclaimed.  "Or...every time we talk, he goes on and on about how you should be faithful to one guy, how he's only been with three guys in his life."

"I wasn't...um, exactly honest about my love life," Travis said.  "I didn't want you to think I was a slut.  Quiet, shy farmboy from Ulster County, altar boy at the Catholic Church, doesn't even know that gay people exist, has to ask me how they go about having sex."

"That was eight years ago!  I'm...people change.  They grow up."

"Ok, ok," Henry said.  "I see what happened here.  Everybody was afraid to come out.  But I can solve this little disagreement with two simple words: Bear Party.  Right here, right now.  Who's up for it?"

See also: Landing My Boyfriend's Roommate.

My Date with a Star of "The Wizards of Waverly Place"

Plains, April 2014

I'm at Whiskey River, a Plains restaurant which doesn't really serve whiskey, with Jimmy the Boy Toy, the housemate of my older platonic friends: 21 years old, slim, sandy-haired, with the most perfect uncut Kielbasa I've ever seen.

This is our fifth date: we've somehow become boyfriends.

I've been dating younger guys for years, and there are some strategic problems:
1. I go to bed at 10:00 pm, and they are still up at 2:00 am..
2. They always order the most expensive entree on the menu, plus a drink and dessert, and expect me to pay for it.
3. They want sex five times a night, and expect me to comply.
4. Their friends don't want me hanging around.
5. I don't understand most of their cultural references.

When the excitement of dating an older guy wears off, they usually move on to someone closer to their own age.

I need to impress Jimmy with something other than my physique and checkbook.

 How about a celebrity dating story?  They usually impress guys.

But not my usual Michael J. Fox or Richard Dreyfuss: too old.  Jimmy would get a blank expression and ask "Who?"

How about Nate Richert, Harvey on the TGIF sitcom Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)?  We made out at a gay dance club in West Hollywood.  I felt an aroused Kielbasa in his pants.

No, not famous enough.  Besides, Jimmy was born in 1993, so he probably wouldn't remember Sabrina the Teenage Witch

I could just make up a celebrity dating story out of an innocent meeting or autograph signing. Guys in West Hollywood did it all the time.

Who's famous now?  Who have I been posting about on my blog recently?

The Goldbergs, Neil Diamond, Mickey Rooney, Kevin Zegers, a lot of Estonians,   The Wizards of Waverly Place! The Disney Channel teencom (2007-2012) about a family of wizards in modern day New York, with innumerable gay subtexts and an endless supply of teenage beefcake.

The teenagers, David Henrie and Jake T. Austin, are too young, unless our date was last year, but the Dad is played by 43-year old David DeLuise, who was doing a lot of tv shows and movies in the 1990s, when I lived in West Hollywood....

"I made out with one of the stars of Wizards of Waverly Place!" I announce.

"Really?"  Jimmy's eyes widen.  "Which one?  David Henrie?  He's so hot I can't stand it, but isn't he homophobic?  Not Jake T. Austin -- I know he's gay, but he's only -- what?  Sixteen?  I know -- Gregg Sulkin, the werewolf?"

Gregg Sulkin has a recurring role as a werewolf-boy who is dating daughter Alex.

Gulp.  He hasn't mention David DeLuise.  He must not find him attractive.  I have to pick someone else, fast!  But I don't know the names of any other male cast members.

"Yep," I say forlornly, trapped.  "It was Gregg Sulkin."

Think!  What do you know about Sulkin that will give you a narrative hook?  He's young, British -- and Jewish!  And I was just back at Beth Chaim Chadashim last summer, where I picked up a Cute Young Thing, a Jewish boy from Tennessee.  Why not make him....

West Hollywood, Summer 2013

I was back in West Hollywood visiting my old friends, going to my old hangouts.  Lane had converted to Christianity and become an Episcopalian, but for nostalgia's sake he and his partner Ben took me to a Friday night service at Beth Chaim Chadashim, the gay synagogue.

After nearly 20 years, I barely recognized anyone, but the prayers and songs were still pleasantly familiar.  I got the "new guy" treatment, with people going out of their way to be friendly -- and cruise.

As a twink magnet, I drew the attention of the young crowd, the newly out and closeted guys who were still living with conservative parents or struggling with "is it ok to be gay and Jewish?"  mishegas that the rest of us overcame years ago.  I was approached by a Cute Young Thing who introduced himself as Gregg, from London. (Rich, from Nashville).

Probably 20 years old, short but rather muscular, with a broad chest and thick biceps (short and slim, with a narrow chest and long, thin biceps).  He had big hair, a round open face, and red, feminine lips, and a cute British accent (short hair, a long face, and a Southern accent).

Suddenly I recognized him as the werewolf boy from Wizards of Waverly Place, but I played it cool. "I love London (Nashville)," I told him.  "I was there a couple of years ago.  Such an interesting history."

"L.A. is great, but I miss London (Nashville) every day.  There's just something about home that stays with you forever."

"Home for me is right here in West Hollywood," Lane said.  "I live in Orange County now, but I'm still up here a couple times a week."

Gregg turned to me.  "Where's home for you, Boomer?"

"The Great Plains, all flat prairie and super-hung farmboys.  But I'd give anything to live in West Hollywood."  I forgot to tell him that I had lived here for ten years.

"Every gay guy in the world wants to live in West Hollywood." He laughed and touched my shoulder.  Feeling its hardness, he got that dreamy half-aroused look.  "So, what are you doing tomorrow? I could show you the sights of L.A..  I can give you an insider tour of the Hollywood Center Studios (UCLA).

The next day Gregg picked me up in his 2013 Fiat (1996 Toyota) and took me on a greenhorn tour: Mann's Chinese Theater, the Walk of Fame, the Pacific Design Center, Beverly Hills, the Santa Monica pier.

Whoops, I forgot the Hollywood Center Studios.  Too much trouble.  Why didn't I stick with Nate Richert?

We had to meet Lane and Ben for dinner, so we didn't have time for the Hollywood Center Studios. But we had time to go back to Gregg's house in Burbank (tiny, cramped apartment off Fairfax). He was very passionate, into giving and receiving oral, and an anal bottom.  I don't usually do anal, but he was so hot that I obliged (I didn't).  Mortadella+ beneath the belt (average size)

Time to wrap this up.  And explain why Gregg was with me when he's had any number of girlfriends.  I invent a whole conversation:

"How long will you be in town?" Gregg asked as we cuddled in bed.

"Another three days.  Why?"

"Well, the thing is, I have a girlfriend."

I stared.  "So...um..."

"It's ok, we have an open relationship.  We're both bisexual, and we like to bring a third person in from time to time.  We hooked up with a really hot girl last weekend.  If you're into it, I was wondering if...."

No!

That was a major turn off, but at least I got to go down on the werewolf of Waverly Place.

Plains, April 2014

I'm proud of myself.  I managed to transform my date with a West Hollywood Cute Young Thing into a believable date with a contemporary tv star, on the spur of the moment, with no background research.  But I'm also feeling guilty.  I've never made up a celebrity dating story before without having at least met the guy.

"Great story!" Jimmy exclaims.  "I always thought Gregg went both ways. You know the tv star I had the biggest crush on as a kid?"

"Um...no.  Who?"

"Don't laugh -- he's not a superhunk, but he was so cute!  When I was seven or eight years old,  I was totally in love with him.  My parents said they knew I was gay because every time he came on, I was just glued to the screen."

"Well, don't keep me in suspense.  Who was it?"

"Did you ever watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch?  I had a crush on Nate Richert, who played Harvey."

The guy I was really with!  I start kicking myself.

See also: My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy; Nate Richert's Kielbasa; Jimmy's Date with Dylan O'Brien