The Most Underrated Sexual Act

Oral sex is great, of course, and interfemoral, with your penis inserted between his legs, is even better. But the most underrated sexual act is the one that everyone engages in, but no one admits to.

It tends to be denigrated in gay communities as far inferior to oral, anal, or interfemoral, as an act of desperation that only lonely losers and sexual compulsives stoop to.

50% of gay men surveyed don't count it as a sex act at all.

But: everybody does it, an average of 4.2 times a week.  Having regular erotic activity of other types doesn't decrease your frequency.

The stigma attached to the act dates from the Middle Ages, when Christian scholars misinterpreted the sin of Onan in the Old Testament: he refused to have a child with his dead brother's widow, as required by Jewish law.  Instead he "spilled his seed on the ground," and God, outraged, struck him dead.  God never expresses any outrage over spilling one's seed in other contexts, but still, it became a sin, taught as a horror in religious education classes for Protestants and Catholics alike.

Medical stigma dates to a pamphlet entitled Onania, or the heinous sin of self-pollution, and all its frightful consequences in both sexes considered, published in London in 1723.  The anonymous author claimed that the foul practice "destroys conjugal affection, perverts natural inclination, and extinguishes hope of posterity."

By the 19th century, physicians were certain that the “Killer of Youth” was the cause of most physical and mental diseases, including "homosexuality."  Even one time would cause permanent insanity.  Generations of boys grew up terrified that the one time they gave in to temptation would soon kill them.

In Wuthering Heights, the great novel by Emily Bronte, Heathcliffe's son Linton dies from the debilitating effects of "onanism."

Both Graham Crackers and Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented to prevent the urge.

Of course, there's no evidence that the practice has any deleterious effects whatsoever, and many of the myths were quietly dropped from medical manuals during the 1950s and 1960s.  But the stigma remains.  Your friends will eagerly describe a blow-by-blow of their latest bathhouse hookup but refuse to admit that they do that.

In 2006, gay singer Clay Aiken appeared on the morning talk show Live with Regis and Kelly, and playfully put his hand over notoriously conservative host Kelly Ripa’s mouth.  She reacted with disgust: “I don’t know where that hand has been!,” she exclaimed, implying that he might do that.

In 2016, then-presidential candidate Ted Cruz suggested that he would push for criminalizing any sexual activity that wasn't used for the purpose of procreation.

The stigma is unfortunate.  In many ways, doing it yourself is superior to oral, anal, or interfemeral

1. It's quick and easy.  You don't have to go through the hassle of finding someone, taking him out to dinner, socializing with him for an hour, and then, finally getting down to it.  When you have a spare ten minutes, you can just pop into the bedroom.  You don't even need to get undressed.

When you're finished, you can zip up and go about your day, without having to worry about the post-coital cuddling, phone number exchange, or making the bed.

2. It's free.  No sex club entry fee, no paying for an evening out, no condoms.  You might have to buy some lube.

3. It's stress-free.  Being with a new guy, or even a regular partner, can be very stressful.  You have to worry about your attractiveness, your size, your body noises and smells, your technique, your ability to complete the act, his ability to complete the act.  

And, as you age, it becomes increasingly common to lose steam in mid-act, or not be able to begin at all.  When there's nothing but you, a bottle of lube, and some video porn, you can take as much or as little time as you want, or stop altogether if you lose interest.  No pressure.

3. It's the safest of safe sex.  No chance of contracting a STD or crabs.  Even safer than kissing -- no chance of catching someone's cold.

4. You can have any partner you want.  That cute guy who failed to respond to your cruising, or who you  didn't have time to cruise.  Guys you were with 10, 20, or 30 years ago.  Film stars.  Your brother-in-law.

The main problem is the risk of discovery: it's embarrassing to be caught in the middle of the act by a partner or roommate.  But with a little creativity, you can come up with a cover story:
"I was just changing clothes to go to the gym."
"I had a headache, so I decided to take a  nap."
"I was waiting for you to come home.  Care to join me?"

After all, having a partner doubles your enjoyment:

1. You can watch him doing it.  When you're going down on someone, you can't see his face, or much of his body, or even his penis.  Watching him do it himself, you see the interplay of muscle in his chest and abs, his facial expressions, his aroused penis, everything.

2. You can lend a hand.  You can help, touching, kissing, licking whatever body part is handy, stroking his testicles, or taking over the whole job.

3. It often leads to other sexual acts.  No one ever said that has to be either self-help or oral or anal.  Why not do all three?

See also: Oral Sex 101;  Top or Bottom?; and My Favorite Sexual Act

Guys Naked in the Snow

The other day it was 24 degrees out, with a biting wind.  As I walked through the gym parking lot as fast as I could, shivering in the cold, I saw a high school kid standing there, waiting for a ride, in gym trunks and a t-shirt.

Not shivering.

How could he do that?

There's something undeniably erotic about guys with their shirts off, or naked, in the snow.  Maybe it's the incongruity -- I would never dream of going outside like that in the cold, not even for a second.

Certainly not lying around in it, trying to make a snow angel.

Maybe it's the toughness.  This guy is impervious to the cold.  He must be made of iron.


















In Scandinavian countries, it's traditional to take a hot sauna, then run out into the snow.  The juxtaposition of hot and cold is supposed to be good for you.

More after the break.

Lane on the Plains: Twinks, Daddies, Cowboys, and a Rabbi

Plains, June 2017

"It's not fair," I told David.  "Since I left San Francisco, you've been out to visit me four times.  Since he moved to London, Yuri has been out to visit me four times.  But Lane won't leave West Hollywood.  I always have to fly out to visit him."

"What's wrong with West Hollywood?"  David asked.

"Nothing -- I love it there.  But it's a long, expensive flight, and Lane has more money and more free time than I do.  He should do some of the visiting."

When I met Lane in 1989, he was 33 years old, and he had only been out of Southern California twice, to visit relatives in New York and spend a year on a kibbutz in Israel.

"Why should I go anywhere?" he always said.  "I'm already here."

During the seven or eight years we were together, I convinced him to go on trips to Europe and two road trips across the United States, but after we broke up, he had a relapse.  For the last twenty years, he has only left Southern California once, to get married in his partner's home town of Salt Lake City.

"What you have to do is sell the Plains," David said.  "Give him some overwhelming reason to come here -- other than seeing you, that is. What is he interested in?"

#1. He likes a strong Jewish presence. But there are like 400 Jewish people in the whole state, two synagogues, one full-time rabbi.

"Ok, don't stress the Jewish angle.  Anything else he's passionate about?"

#2. Science fiction.  He's read every science fiction novel ever written.  But there aren't a lot of sci-fi bookstores on the Plains.

"Anything else?"

#3. Leather/bears/motorcycles.  There's a motorcycle rally in Sturgis, but not until August.

"Well, what about men?"

"#4. Older guys, beefy Daddy types.  But they're in short supply on the Plains.  I can go on Grindr and get ten twinks in an hour, but...

#5. Thai, Indian, and Vietnamese food.  

Both a rarity Finally I hit on it .  #6: Mount Rushmore!

"The great stone faces that Cary Grant climbed at the end of North by Northwest?  What's so great about them?"

"I don't know, but we missed them on our road trip in 1995 -- the highway was too packed to get through -- so it might be a big enough draw to get him out here."

It worked -- a promise of a trip to Mount Rushmore got Lane on a plane.  He came during my week "off" between Indianapolis and Amsterdam.

Thursday

Lane arrives at 4:30 pm -- alone..  He's 61 years old, balding, eyeglassed, but more buffed than when we were together, with thick hairy arms, a bulky chest, and a full beard.    I take him to dinner a place that serves Ethiopian food on weekends, and then to the gay-friendly coffee house for dessert.

"I didn't arrange for any sharing," I tell him.  "Since you and Ben are married, I figured you are monogamous."

He grins.  "Well, actually, we've been bringing in third guys, sort of like when you and I were together.  And when we're traveling, a close friend can substitute.  So if you have a friend you'd like to introduce me to..."

"Well, guys our age are in short supply here on the Plains.  I know a lot of twinks, but..."

To my surprise, he says: "Sure, no problem, I can handle being a Daddy.  As long as he's not young enough to be my grandson."

So I go on Grindr and arrange a hookup with a physical therapy major named Dack: short, slim, smooth body, kind of feminine, rather small penis.  Into kissing and anal (but Lane and I talk him into going down on us).

He's 19, young enough to be Lane's grandson, but in the heat of the moment Lane doesn't mind:  "Wait until I tell Ben!  He thinks 40 year olds are kids, and I went down on a 19 year old!"


Friday

We drive to Rapid City, South Dakota, and see the 19th century Norwegian stave church, the Berlin wall exhibit, and the art walk downtown.  At Mitzi's Books on Main Street, Lane buys a rare first edition of Logan's Run, the 1967 dystopian science fiction novel that was adapted into a 1976 movie. (#2: Science Fiction).

We have dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant (#5: Vietnamese food), work out in the hotel gym, and then go cruising.

Rapid City has three gay-friendly mixed bars.  We go to the Brass Rail, which looks like a straight bar except for the complete lack of women and guys hugging and kissing.  We end up going home with a black guy who asks us to call him "Daddy," although he's only in his 40s, tops (#4: Daddies).

Oh, well, he has a reasonably buffed physique, a hairy chest, and a massive Kielbasa.  A little too into nipple play, and an anal top, but he settles for me going down on him while he goes down on Lane.

Then we go back to our hotel.

"This has been a great day!" Lane exclaims.  "I can't wait to text Ben.  Imagine -- a 1967 first edition of Logan's Run!"

Leave it to Lane to find a science fiction novel more impressive than a Kielbasa.

Saturday

Mount Rushmore is 23 miles from Rapid City, but the traffic is bumper-to-bumper due to construction, an accident, and summertime crowds. So we give up and backtrack to Deadwood instead.

It's an old gold rush town, full of Wild West lore -- and Jews!

 In the 19th century, it had a large Jewish population, including Blanch Colman, who became the first female lawyer in the state, and Sol Star, who became a state senator (played by John Adams on the tv series Deadwood).  One third of the buildings on Main Street were owned by Jewish merchants (#1: A Jewish presence).

We tour downtown and then go to Mount Moriah Cemetery, where Wild Bill Hickok and Calamity Jane are buried.  It has a "Hebrew Hill" with over 80 tombstones.

There's also a small synagogue, one of three in the state.  We missed Shabbat services last night, but the student rabbi meets us for dinner at the Deadwood Grille.  He's in his 30s, handsome, with black wavy hair.  We don't hook up, but there are a couple of cute guys working out shirtless in the hotel gym.

"A synagogue in the middle of nowhere!" Lane exclaims.  "That rabbi really had some guts to take a congregation way out here!  I guess he did it for the history."

Sunday

We have breakfast, go to the St. John's Episcopal Church in Deadwood, and then drive over to Sturgis, the home of the annual bike rally.

On other days of the year there's not a lot to do, but we see the Sturgis Motorcycle Museum and have lunch in the Loud American Road House before heading down to Mount Rushmore again (#3: Motorcycles).

Bumper-to-bumper traffic again.  We stop at the Reptile Gardens and then go on Grindr, and find someone interested in hosting on a ranch on Rockerville Road, about 20 miles away: Steve, in his 30s, who works as a paramedic and rents out the ranch.  He travels to Europe every year, and has also been to Israel, Egypt, Morocco, Algeria, and Tunisia.

A husky, scruffy bear with a hairy chest and belly, thick hard hands, and a cut Bratwurst (#3: Bears).  And he does ride a motorcycle.

I go down on him while he's going down on Lane, and then I finish with interfemoral.

By the time we say goodbye, it's too late to go to Mount Rushmore, so we drive back to Rapid City.

"I can't wait to tell Ben that I hooked up with a real cowboy!" Lane exclaims.

Monday

It's time to drive back home.

"Sorry we never got a chance to see Mount Rushmore," I say.

"Oh, I can always see photos.  I got science fiction, Vietnames food, a Jewish community, a Daddy, a rabbi, and a cowboy.  I'd say that's more than enough for one visit."  He pauses.  "So, tonight, do you know any twinks we could hook up with?"

See also: 21 Surprising Facts about Lane; Why You Should Visit Sturgis, South Dakota Next August.