Elijah Wood Dumps Roger for Jason Bateman

New York, October 1999

For about a month, Yuri has been dating John Benjamin Hickey, the 36 year old actor who starred in Love! Valour! Compassion! and Finding North, and now plays Clifford Bradshaw in Cabaret on Broadway.  Not his usual type -- balding, rather sallow chest, not a gym rat.

Well, he does have one characteristic that Yuri likes.

I think Yuri is star-struck, dating John for his address book rather than his wit, charm, and physique.  Who wouldn't accept a date that involved meeting  Nathan Lane and  Liza Minelli?

Yes, we shared.  I'm kind of interested in that address book, too.

When Yuri invites me to dinner at John's house, I assume it will be a standard West Hollywood party, with nudity and oral sex, and guests including aging mega-hunks that I had crushes on in the 1970s: James Naughton, Matthew Broderick, Tom Wopat, and Lou Diamond Phillips.

Instead, there are just four of us -- the fourth, apparently my blind date, is Roger Rees, who I remember as Robin Colcort, Rebecca's crush, on Cheers (1989-1993), and as the Sheriff of Rottingham in Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993).

Not at all my type: I like short, husky, and dark-skinned, and he's tall, thin, and gaunt, with an unattractive long face. I like working-class "regular guys," and he's a sophisticate.  I'm a teetotler, and he likes his wine.

But I figure, Rees probably has an address book even bigger than Hickey's.

Besides, to quote a show tune, "In the dark they are all the same."

"I can't tell you how refreshing it is to meet a mature man for a change," Roger tells me, fondling my knee under the dinner table.

"I'm only 38..."

"38, eh?  Brace yourself -- the tidal wave is coming.  Ever since I turned 40 --er, 40-something [he was actually 56], the twinks have been positively throwing themselves at me.  Why, I just broke up with the most obnoxious Cute Young Thing you can imagine."

Great -- he's on the rebound.  I glare at Yuri for setting me up with this guy, big address book or not.

"Granted, he was cute, but a pretty face is no substitute for substance."

His hand works its way up to my crotch.

"And he dumped me out of nowhere, when he found someone that he thought would further his career -- Jason Bateman, can you believe it?"

"I dated Jason Bateman's ex..." I say, trying to steer the conversation away from Roger's Cute Young Thing ex.  "Porn star, gigantic penis...but nothing compared to the guy I met in Texas."

Too late.  Rees has already begun.

Too late.  Rees has already begun the story.

New York, Fall 1999

Roger's first love was the theater, and regardless of how much Hollywood beckoned, he was determined to stay put, in the Manhattan he so dearly loved.  He only took the role of Dr. Croft, an evil mad scientist sort who runs an asylum for amnesiac and dying children (in The Bumblebee Flies Anyway), because he could stay in New York, and because he was a fan of Robert Cormier, who wrote the original novel.

He hadn't anticipated a problem -- most of the cast consisted of actors in their teens and early twenties, and age 40-something, Roger was a full-fledged twink magnet.  Half the cast wanted to date him!  Or at least go down on him in his dressing room.  He usually had a rule against dating costars, but some of them were very persistent, such as 18-year old Elijah Wood.

"Oh, I hate him!"  I exclaim.  "An insufferable kid in gut-wrenching movies like 'Radio Flier' and 'The Good Son.'  He manages to drain the gay subtexts from everything he does, even 'Huck Finn.'"

"He took his shirt off in 'Flipper,'" Hickey adds, "Giving the teen dream crowd something to dream about.  Not me, though."

"Well, he's a little more mature than that by now," Roger says.  "Not much, but a little."

Eventually a cute face and persistence wore Roger down.  "Look, I know we have some chemistry together," Elijah said one day, cornering him in his dressing room."Why don't we just admit it?"

Roger allowed a kiss and a grope, but then broke away.  Who was this young succubus?  "We both have jobs to do here...." he stammered.  "We can't let something so mundane as sexual attraction get in the way of our art."

"Well -- the filming won't last forever.  What are you doing for Christmas?"

So  after the filming was over, Roger agreed to some simple, uncomplicated dates -- a walk through Central Park, a quiet dinner at home.  The most public they got was seeing Liza Minelli at the Palace Theater.

Elijah was very, very horny.  He wanted to go down on Roger three or more times a day -- even in his salad days, Roger could never have been a match for that voracious appetite, and now his libido was waning.  What about kissing and cuddling, just holding each other as the darkness enveloped them?

Then there was the porn -- gay and straight -- the three-ways -- the discussions of women's breasts and vaginal whatchamacallits!  Disgusting!  Apparently Elijah was into everybody and everything.

"How big was he?" Yuri asks.

"Not very, maybe 5" aroused," Roger says.  "And anyway, he was strictly an oral bottom, into giving head but not getting."

"I wonder how he handles it when he's with a woman," I say.  Then, embarrassed, I figure it out.

A couple of weeks ago, Elijah came as Roger's date to a party at Liza's apartment.  Among the guests was Jason Bateman, who Roger knew from Hollywood: 30 years old, rather a nebbish sort but still cute, with a pretense of naiveté that had gotten him into more bedrooms than Jeff Stryker dildos.  He was as horny as Elijah, with an open relationship with his girlfriend, carte blanche to cruise everybody and everything in sight.    

Roger gamely introduced the two, then wandered off in search of more stimulating company.

Awhile later, he saw them still talking.  Maybe standing a little too close...but well, nothing wrong with that.  Probably comparing notes on the horrors of being child stars, the poor tykes.

Still...was Jason starting to tent?

Roger forced himself to back off and talk to the other guests.  When he looked again, Jason and Elijah were both gone!

Very bad form -- you don't abandon your date at a party! Could Elijah be going down on Jason right there?  Enraged, he started searching for them.  The living room...the parlor...the music room...the kitchen.  The master bedroom...

They wouldn't be in the master bath, would they?  But...the guest bath was too busy...if they wanted seclusion.

The door was locked.  Roger dangled the knob.

"Just a minute!" Eliza called.

Roger was too embarrassed to search the rest of the apartment.  He got his coat and left.

Elijah called the next day:

"Sorry to ditch you, but I couldn't let Jason get away.  I really need someone who has some ins in Hollywood.  Broadway is great, but..."

"That's fine," Roger said, gritting his teeth.  "These things happen.  You either have chemistry, or you don't."

"So, could we come over later to share?  Maybe I could go down on you while Jason is topping me?"

Roger hung up on him.

Was Roger Telling the Truth?

Roger Rees was a celebrity with a long-term partner, and so had nothing to gain by inventing a celebrity hookup.  And Elijah Wood has been the subject of countless gay rumors, although he dismisses them as "the fantasies of people with too much time on their hands."

But Jason Bateman hasn't been the subject of many rumors.  And I'm actually surprised that the sophisticated, elitist Rees would know the former teen idol, who hadn't yet become famous for adult roles.

By the way, I did go down on Roger before the night was over.  About 7.5", uncut.  And an even bigger address book.

See also: My Date with Andrew Lloyd Webber; Sausage Sighting of Richard Grieco