I Learn How to Cruise in the Nazarene Church

I feel torn about growing up in the Nazarene Church. 

There were a lot of rules no movies, dancing, theater, carnivals, circuses, rock music, secular literature, or shopping on Sunday -- but there were lots of ways of sneaking around them.  Life was quite interesting, one caper after another.

The three hour-long fire-and-brimstone sermons every week were tedious --God hates everybody and everything, I get it -- but the altar calls were fun. Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of "praying through to victory" while half a dozen cute men and boys are hugging and touching you.



It was gratifying to realize that only Nazarenes, out of all the hundreds of religions and Christian denominations in the world, got it right, knew how to avoid going to hell for all eternity.  But it was also a big responsibility: you had to win souls. Your family (if they were unsaved), your classmates, strangers on the street.

In high school soulwinning class, we learned that there were five main techniques, ranked from least to most difficult:

1.  Just be cheerful. Smile.  Say "Isn't it a beautiful day?"  Sinners are miserable all the time, so they will eventually beome curious and ask: "Why are you so happy all the time, when the rest of us are so miserable?"

"Well, that's because I'm saved."

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

I don't care what our soulwinning coach said, that conversation never actually happened in real life.

2. Invite them to church.   Preferably to the evening service, when there's more likely to be an altar call.  We got points and prizes for contacting prospects -- people who had attended Sunday school or church and then dropped out.  Sometimes they just attended once.

3. Witness.  Inform the sinner that you are saved, and let them make the first move:

"Sorry, I can't go to the Breaking the Ten Commandments party this weekend because I'm saved." 

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

That conversation never happened in real life, either.

4. The Soul Winning Conversation. This was the most difficult, and therefore the most prestigious.  Walk up to a stranger, start a conversation, and win their soul right there on the spot. 

The "mark" should be about your age, and of the same sex (coach didn't explain why).  He should be alone, not in a group.  He should be in situation where he won't have to leave right away, say studying in the library or eating in a restaurant.

Start the conversation by finding a topic of common interest.  Then encourage him to talk about himself.  Eventually he will mention being miserable, like all sinners are all the time, and you can say something like "What if I told you you could be happy all the time?"

Boom! Pull out your Bible.  If he doesn't run away, you've got him!

Actually, that never worked, either, but through high school I had carte blanche to approach any cute boy I wanted, just by saying that I wanted to win his soul.

And when I started cruising -- meeting guys in gay bars, or in gay neighborhoods anywhere -- I found the soulwinning techniques invaluable.

1. Someone who is alone, not in a group, and in a situation where he won't leave right away.

2. Start with a topic of common interest.

3. Encourage him to talk about himself.

4. Eventually he will let you know that he is interested in sex, or a date, or both.

5. Boom!  Pull out your phone number, or your penis, or both.