How Not to be Creepy

I haven't been on Grindr for a few months -- some medical and psychological problems made me uninterested in hookups. But last week, I was feeling better, so I went on Grindr and started cruising.

Nothing.  Crickets.  Robots.

I said hello to a guy who immediately responded "No."

"No what?" I returned. "How do you know what I want?"

"Your creepy profile photo, for one."

Creepy photo?  It's just a selfie of me at the gym, smiling, with my impressive chest on display!







A few days later, I was in Indianapolis for the holidays, and I stopped into the Works, the sex club.   Little success. I managed to go down on a couple of the old guy regulars, but no one hot.

Finally an Asian twink with an enormous cock approached me in the video room, and I went down on him for a few minutes before he beat off to finish.  Literally -- he was getting ready to leave!  As I walked with him toward the lockers, he said "I was kind of leery of you at first."

"Huh?"

"Well, you're hot, but you come off as kind of creepy."

Two "creepy" comments in one week!  And who knows how many other guys failed to respond on Grindr, at the gym, or at the sex club due to my suddenly becoming "creepy"?.

Time to do some research.  What does "creepy" mean, anyhow?  How do you convey it?  How do you overcome it?

Psychologists have determined that the feeling of "creepy" results from uncertainty about a guy's intentions.  If you think he is actually a threat, you will experience anger or fear, and prepare for "fight or flight."  If you aren't sure, you will experience a sort of discomfort, a dread, that will make you want to leave the situation.

Extensive studies have determined what is most likely to be perceived as creepy in a guy (it's almost always men).

1. Any unexpected or unusual appearance or behavior can produce this "creepy" feeling.  Guys often come off as "creepy" with poor grooming, unkept hair, ill-fitting or outdated costumes.  This guy, for instance, has inappropriately bushy hair and a moustache that is no longer in style.

2. You can come off as creepy by breaking very minor rules of personal interaction: keeping eye contact for too long, standing too close, choosing awkward topics of conversation.

Paradoxically, asking questions about someone, the way we indicate interest, comes off as creepy: "Why does he want to know so much about me?  What is his intention?"

3. I guess you're supposed to go through life with your eyes down, because staring or just looking at someone is creepy.  "Why is he looking at me?  What does he want?"  Even in a gay venue, where guys are hoping to hook up with you, you're not supposed to look.

If a guy catches you looking, the "how to not be creepy" articles suggest that you approach and mention something other than his attractiveness.  "Hi, I was just noticing your t-shirt.  Are you a fan of that sports team?"

Even hobbies that involve looking, like photography and bird watching, are creepy.




4. Paradoxically, a smile, the usual way we attempt to convey friendliness, most often comes across as "creepy."  "He's smiling at me -- he wants something.  What?"

Smiles can go wrong in many ways: too broad, crooked, with the head tilted forward or backward.

5. Our eyes widen automatically when we see something pleasant, so we can see it better.  But widened or otherwise bulging eyes are creepy.  "Why is he so interested?  What is his intention?"

There's not much you can do about this one, except watch your head: a head tilted back makes the eyes look bigger.  And creepier.


















6. "Creepy" is usually connected to the phrase "creepy old guy" because age is the most common signal of creepiness.  When someone who is "too old" looks at, smiles at, or approaches you, you experience that dread: "An old guy!  What does he want with me?"

Even if you find him attractive!

This may have to do with our paradoxical attitude toward age.  Older people are powerful and command our respect, but they're also obsolete and laughably old-fashioned. We don't know how to respond.


The "how not to be creepy" articles suggest that you are automatically creepy to people younger than "half your age plus 7."

So if you are 60, anyone under 37.  If you are 40, anyone under 27.

Pity the poor twinks, attracted to older guys but constantly being creeped out when older guys approach them.

And those of us on the plus side of 40, twink magnets when they approach us, "creepy old guys" when we approach them!  It makes Saturday night at the bar a minefield.

So if you're out jogging and you see this guy washing his car, don't look, don't smile, don't ask him any questions.  Just stop, pull out your cell phone, and wait for him to approach you.