My Top 10 Turn Offs

You already know the characteristics that I find attractive: short, dark, massive, gifted beneath the belt, and so on.

Almost every guy I have been with has had at least two, usually three of the characteristics.

But some characteristics are immediate turn-offs.

One or two might be ok, if you happen to also be a short, dark, muscular, gifted-beneath-the-belt Mormon missionary.

But three or four, and dating is out of the question.

Five or more, and we won't be hooking up, either, and sharing is out of the question, breach of etiquette or not.

Again, this is a matter of personal taste.  If you like these traits and I don't, that doesn't mean that I am bad, wrong, or stupid.    Everyone has different tastes in men, and that's fine. 

1. Tall and thin  Who wants to hug a telephone pole?  Who wants to hug a skeleton?

2. A long, narrow face, especially with a goatee, like a Disney villain.

3. Long, slender fingers/finger rings/tattoos/body art.  

 I hate long, slender, feminine fingers -- "nimble," like Tolkien's hobbits.  And jewerlry in a man is gross, except for dogtags or a pendant around his neck.  None of those plastic bracelets, and especially no rings.

If you ever want to get out of the mood fast, just imagine those long, slender, feminine fingers festooned with gross rings wrapped around your penis.  Instant shrinkage!

Same thing with body art. A small, tasteful tattoo that is easily ignored, ok, but plastering your body with ink like the Illustrated Man?  Your skin is perfectly attractive as it is.

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4. Outdoors Nut/Sports Nut.  The outdoors is not a place; it's something you travel through to get to places.  You don't eat there, or sit on benches there, or hang out there. Spending time outside for its own sake is just nutty.

There is nothing more boring than listening to who won what game with what strategy in some sports match.

5. Fan of Horrible Music.  This includes country-western music, of course, but also whiny female vocalists, and especially torch songs.

The night is bitter
The stars have lost their glitter
The winds grow colder
And suddenly you're older

Yeah, I'm getting older by the minute, listening to this drivel.

6. Relationships with women/discussions of feminine beauty.   Long, long ago, some men didn't figure it out until after they obeyed the societal mandate to marry women, but not anymore.  If you're under 50, you have no excuse, except you were too scared to come out.

I know, it's possible to appreciate beauty in men and women, regardless of your sexual orientation, but after hearing "That woman is so hot!  There's not a man alive who wouldn't want to be with her!" constantly, hour after hour, day after day, I don't want to hear it from a guy I'm dating.

7. Alcohol, tobacco, or drug use. Raised Nazarene, I can't stand the sight or smell of beer, wine, or liquor. If you drink a beer in the bar occasionally and use mouthwash afterwards, ok, but I won't have it in my house.

Tobacco just smells gross.

And drugs -- who wants to be with a guy who's high?

8. Feminine Traits.  Politically, I'm a strong supporter of your right to be as butch, femme, or androgynous as you want to be. Work the room!  Sashay!  Say "Oh, Mary!" and "Puh-lease, girlfriend!"  But it's not going to get me romantically interested.

9. Elitist.   Rich is ok, celebrity is fine.  Well-read, multilingual, world traveler, no problem.  But don't throw your book-larnin' in my face and ridicule my plebian amusements:

"How can you watch television?  It's so mindless!"
"Science fiction?  All that Buck Rogers stuff?"

Or look down on the Midwest.  "Oh, you're from a dreary Ma and Pa Kettle state!  What did you do for fun, tractor pulls and cow tipping?"

Really, should someone who knows about Ma and Pa Kettle be criticizing me for growing up in Illinois?

10. Sleazoid.  Leering, vulgar language, aggressive cruising, constant double-entendres and dirty jokes.  Leave it in the cruise bar.  For that matter, it's annoying there, too.

See also: My Top 10 Turn-Ons

My Top 10 Turn-Ons

Why do we like what we like?  Gay men get asked that question every day, mostly phrased like "How could you possibly be attracted to ugly, hideous, disgusting men instead of gorgeous, beautiful women, like everybody else who has ever lived?"

But once you walk them through the concept of same-sex desire, they still balk: "Why would you like that kind of guy? He isn't attractive at all!  Only an idiot would be into him!"

Or: "Why don't you like him?  Everyone must find him gorgeous.  You're blind, evil, or stupid if you don't!"

Everyone has their own taste in men, and that's fine.  If I find something attractive and you don't, that doesn't make me bad, wrong, or stupid.  We like what we like.

So here are the top 10 traits I find attractive, and the reasons why.

1. Dark skin.  Black, Asian, Hispanic, Mediteranean.  It must be the exotic factor: I grew up in the Midwest, surrounded by fair-skinned Swedes, Germans, and Belgians,.  There was one black kid and one Asian kid in my junior high.  I didn't meet anyone Hispanic, other than my teachers, until college.

2. Shorter than me.  Maybe a dominant-submissive factor, but looking up at the guy is a turnoff.  I'm 6'1, so anyone under 6'0 is good.  5'4 is ideal.

Little people are a particular interest.  Have you ever noticed that they have very short legs, but regular size penises?  That hang down to their knees!

3. Mass.  Who wants to hug a skeleton?  Muscle, the bigger and harder the better, especially pecs, abs, and biceps.  Chubby/husky/fat is good, too.  Muscular torso with a little belly, ideal.

Since coming to the Plains, I've been meeting lots of skinny twinks, and there is something to be said for being able to put your arms all the way around someone.  Still, I'm going for mass.

4. A round or square face and square, solid hands.

Yes, I noticed the face and hands before the penis in this photo.

A round or square face seems open and friendly.  A long, narrow face seems sneaky, underhanded, or elitist.

Square hands are more masculine than those thin, slender, delicate things.  Also they look better wrapped around a penis.

5. Gifted beneath the belt.  Do I really need to explain that one?

But not super-sized: the footlongs are nice to look at, but impossible to actually do anything with.

I have a definite preference for cut over uncut.  More than once I've pulled back the foreskin to discover that the guy does not clean himself properly.

6. Religious, especially seminary students and clergy.  Any religion: Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, pagan, Afro-Caribbean, fine.

When you grow up in a fundamentalist church, you spend countless hours gawking at preachers, evangelists, Sunday school teachers, and choir directors, looking for biceps and bulges beneath their business suits.

7. Business suits.  My working-class relatives never wore suits to work, and academics never wear them, so the exotic factor kicks in.  Besides, they're so grown-up, so formal.  And since they're designed to obscure the body as much as possible, they become all the more erotic.

8. Down to Earth.  Someone who likes "regular" things, like hamburgers and tv sitcoms, who isn't going to judge me for my plebian tastes, or for being from the Midwest. I've been burned too many times by elitists.

9. Health Conscious.  Non-smoker, non-drinker, knows his way around a gym.  The explanation for that is obvious, too.


















10. Masculine.  I get angry when they call masculine "straight acting."  Straight men often have feminine traits: rings, cologne, hand gestures, a swishy walk, a nasal overmodulated voice.  And gay men usually have masculine traits.

Masculinity and femininity are culturally determined, varying across space and over time.  Pink was once a masculine color, and blue feminine.  But, that being said, I am attracted to the traits designated masculine by my culture: no rings, no cologne, the ability to speak with your mouth, not your hands, and a direct style of walking and talking.

If you like other traits, that's fine with me.  I do not pretend that my list is universal.  People like what they like.

See also: My Top 10 Turn-Offs

Rings and Tattoos and Other Disgusting Body Ornaments

My ideal type is short, dark-skinned, and chubby or muscular, with a round face, short hair, square hands and a big penis, but in a pinch I won't say no to tall, thin redheads with long faces and small dicks. 

I'm attracted to down-to-earth "regular guys," but I won't say no to an opera lover who belongs to a wine-tasting club.

But there are two ornaments that are deal breakers.

1. Rings (Ugh!)

I've always been disgusted by rings.  I could barely read The Hobbit, with Bilbo always putting that ring on.

A wedding ring, maybe, if the guy is perfect in every other way.  But I'd try to get him to take it off.

Any other rings just make the fingers look long and slender, a complete turnoff.

I dislike other jewelry, too, especially those weird plastic bracelets.  My mouth is going nowhere near that penis.

David on Schitt's Creek has four gigantic silver rings, more like tubes, which he wears in different configurations in every episode.  I can barely stand to look at him.

I don't have any photos of men wearing rings in my collection, since they're an immediate turn-off, and it took a long time to find proper examples.  Apparently most guys who wear rings mercifully keep them when it's time to take the photo.  I had to search on Google Images.

Holy Cow!  To think that this guy went out of his way to purchase three disgusting rings, and is actually wearing them.  He must be celibate, and trying to scare potential suitors away.  It's working!

2. Tattoos (Double Ugh!)

 I hate all types of body markings.  I won't get my hand stamped for re-entry into an event, and nobody better try to give me their phone number by writing it on my body!  I'll run away!  But the worst are tattoos, deliberately disfiguring yourself forever.

When I was young, only sailors had tattoos.  Now it seems that everyone under 30 has one.  I've learned to ignore them, if they're small and tasteful.

But not full blown body art that ruins the beauty of men's skin.

Especially tattoos on the hand. It makes the hand look light, delicate, fragile.  Is that really the image this guy was going for?

Two words:  Holy. Cow.

If you've already got a tattoo, there's not much you can do about it, but if you wear rings, for heaven's sake, take them off before heading out for your hookup.  You might be turned away at the front door.

See also: My Top 10 Turn-Offs.