Rings and Tattoos and Other Disgusting Body Ornaments

My ideal type is short, dark-skinned, and chubby or muscular, with a round face, short hair, square hands and a big penis, but in a pinch I won't say no to tall, thin redheads with long faces and small dicks. 

I'm attracted to down-to-earth "regular guys," but I won't say no to an opera lover who belongs to a wine-tasting club.

But there are two ornaments that are deal breakers.

1. Rings (Ugh!)

I've always been disgusted by rings.  I could barely read The Hobbit, with Bilbo always putting that ring on.

A wedding ring, maybe, if the guy is perfect in every other way.  But I'd try to get him to take it off.

Any other rings just make the fingers look long and slender, a complete turnoff.

I dislike other jewelry, too, especially those weird plastic bracelets.  My mouth is going nowhere near that penis.

David on Schitt's Creek has four gigantic silver rings, more like tubes, which he wears in different configurations in every episode.  I can barely stand to look at him.

I don't have any photos of men wearing rings in my collection, since they're an immediate turn-off, and it took a long time to find proper examples.  Apparently most guys who wear rings mercifully keep them when it's time to take the photo.  I had to search on Google Images.

Holy Cow!  To think that this guy went out of his way to purchase three disgusting rings, and is actually wearing them.  He must be celibate, and trying to scare potential suitors away.  It's working!

2. Tattoos (Double Ugh!)

 I hate all types of body markings.  I won't get my hand stamped for re-entry into an event, and nobody better try to give me their phone number by writing it on my body!  I'll run away!  But the worst are tattoos, deliberately disfiguring yourself forever.

When I was young, only sailors had tattoos.  Now it seems that everyone under 30 has one.  I've learned to ignore them, if they're small and tasteful.

But not full blown body art that ruins the beauty of men's skin.

Especially tattoos on the hand. It makes the hand look light, delicate, fragile.  Is that really the image this guy was going for?

Two words:  Holy. Cow.

If you've already got a tattoo, there's not much you can do about it, but if you wear rings, for heaven's sake, take them off before heading out for your hookup.  You might be turned away at the front door.

See also: My Top 10 Turn-Offs.

The Most Disgusting Hookup of All Time

Rock Island, July 2017

When I go home to Rock Island, I usually do quite well with hookups.  Being the new guy in town, I get approached a lot, I have the "I grew up here!" conversation starter, and in the absence of gay bars there's a lot of old-fashioned cruising going on.  But earlier this week, when we stopped in Rock Island on the way to New York, I had the MOST DISGUSTING HOOKUP OF ALL TIME.

I blame Bob, the 19 year old economics major I met at the dentist's office a few weeks ago. He was with only one guy before me, but quickly warmed up to the idea of sharing and hooking up.

He had never heard of gay dating apps, and was eager to try out Grindr, so I promised that on our night in Rock Island, he could arrange some hookups for us.

We got to our hotel about 6:00 and had dinner with my brother at Harris Pizza.   I couldn't resist posting a picture of the pizza (the highlight of the evening).

Then I went to the gym while Bob got to work on Grindr, with the profile name "visiting" and nude pictures of us  both to share.  When I returned, he had the hookups arranged.

"I invited two, in case one doesn't show up, like you taught me," he said. "One for you, a teenager."

I'm actually more attracted to guys in their 30s.  I just go with the twinks and Cute Young Things because they approach me all the time, and there aren't a lot of "regular aged" guys on the Plains.   But I wasn't going to tell that to Bob the 19-year old, especially when he was so proud of himself.

"And one for me," he added.  "Old, muscular, hairy chest, big cock."

Sounded like Bob's would be more my style.

Little did I know.

9:00: Chris the Teenager

Chris the Teenager (yes, we carded him) arrived ten minutes late.

Bob got a few of my tastes wrong:

I like them short.  He was very tall, like 6'5".

I like them muscular or husky, not chubby.  Chris had a ton of soft belly fat, and those big womanly breasts that I find a turn-off.

I like them well-hung.  He had maybe 4.5".

But I shouldn't complain -- Bob did his best.

Chris wasn't bad at kissing, and he let me go down on him while he was going down on Bob.  But then he lay on the bed with his butt in the air, whispering "Do me, Daddy."

No way.

"Let me try!" Bob.  "I've never topped anyone before."

Bob has an uncut Bratwurst, about 7", which should be big enough to pass through the fat of Chris's butt cheeks.  But he couldn't find the hole!  Finally he rubbed off against Chris, a sort of reverse interfemoral, while Chris was going down on me.

Then Chris said he had to go home, since his parents didn't realize that he had borrowed their car.

Not a very satisfying hookup, but I told myself, "Wait for Bob's guy.  In his 40s, muscular, big cock.  A bodybuilding bear!"


10:00 Sid the Illustrated Man

The guy who showed up was in his 60s, with a long, ugly face and an obvious toupee.  He introduced himself and immediately lay down next to Bob, who was still naked, ran his finger over his cock, and put it in his mouth!

"Yum...prelube."

"I think it's lube," Bob said.  "I tried anal on a guy before."

"Well, it's still delicious!"

Ok, major turn-off.  No way I was kissing this guy now!

But he was Bob's hookup, so I had to be polite. I helped him undress.

Very thin, smooth, hairless body covered with tattoos, including spiderwebs, Madonnas, a dagger, a gay pride flag, a skull -- I lost count.  Disgusting.

But a cock is a cock.

I started going down on his 6" cut cock, while he lay there, squeezing his nipples, his tongue out like a puppy dog.  Disgusting.

When I moved away to let Bob have a turn, Sid ran his finger over the prelube on his own cock and ate it!

Beyond disgusting -- nauseating!

Bob fondled his butt.  Was he thinking of doing anal again?

 I slapped Sid's butt, and he moaned "That feels good!"

Soon Bob and I were slapping him on the legs, arms, abs, chest, and cock, everywhere but his balls (which he said were sensitive), while he beat off, moaning and squeezing his own nipple and sticking his tongue out like a puppy dog.

Soon he spurted -- and, of course, ate it!

We got him dressed and out of there fast.

I needed a shower.  I have never been so disgusted by a hookup in my life.

Bob didn't like him either: "That guy was way too kinky!"

But this morning he asked if he could spank me.

See also: What Not to Say During Sex; A Hookup with Brothers at the Dentist's Office; What is the Difference Between a Pizza and a Penis?

The 10 Ugliest Well-Hung Guys

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