I've never rejected someone for having a Vienna Sausage. Small can be just as nice, and in many situations it does the job better.
Besides, by the time I get around to checking, the guy has already won me over with his winning smile, sparkling conversation, or body by Michelangelo.
But bigger has a definite aesthetic appeal. And when you get together with friends and swap stories, like fisherman bragging about their biggest "catch", it's never about Vienna Sausages. It's all about Polska Kielbasa:
So here are some of the biggest, or at least the most memorable, "sausages" I ever "cooked."
Only guys I actually went on dates with -- no glimpses in the shower room or cruising at the sauna (those are on my Sausage Sighting List). And only if I had an intimate experience with the guy -- just fondling doesn't count.
I'll use the following scale:
Kielbasa: supersized, 8 inches (20 cm)
Mortadella: the stuff of dreams, 9 inches (23 cm)
Kovbasa: Are you kidding? 10 inches (25 cm)
Add .5 inches for each +.
Peter, the Orthodox priest with the pushy Mom. We dated when I was a senior in college. I hadn't been with many guys at the time, so I didn't realize how remarkable he was beneath the belt. Mortadella+
Dick, my grade school bully. We met at JR's in Rock Island, when I was back home for Christmas in 1984, and got together whenever I returned for the next few years. Kielbasa+
Carl (left) the cowboy cop, who didn't approve of guys who believed in God. We dated briefly in Houston in 1984. Kovbasa
Jasper, the teenage hustler of Bourbon Street, who couldn't get fully aroused. Kovbasa++++
Alan, formerly a Pentecostal Porn Star (top photo). When we met, he was Student Clergy at the Metropolitan Community Church. We dated in 1985, just after I moved to West Hollywood. Kielbasa+
T, the thug wannabe who Alan and I met at the Catch One in Los Angeles. Mortadella+
Mohammed, the doctor who came by for a house call on Christmas Eve. Mortadella
a Turkish bodybuilder who I met during my semester in Ankara in 1989. He had a girlfriend, but still invited me to share his bed at a bodybuilding competition in Istanbul. Kielbasa+
Jester, the Blind Guy with the Footlong, who Fred dated after he broke up with Matt. Kovbasa++++
Infinite Chazz, the juvenile delinquent I met at work, called "infinite" for his Mortadella+ and for his infinite attractiveness to every man he met.
Corbin, the guy my friends Zack and Drake fixed me up with, who told a story about choosing a small but handsome guy over someone who was ugly but hung. Mortadella+
Garan. We met in San Sebastian in 1999, when Yuri and I went to the Basque Country of Spain in search of the world's biggest penis. He actually asked Yuri for the date, and was surprised but accommodating when I showed up, too. Kielbasa
Blake, who I dated in New York in the fall of 1998, and performed the "roommate switch" on. (left) Mortadella+
Ozzie, the NYU Undergrad from Morocco, who hooked up with John F. Kennedy Jr. and refused to leave my room in the rain Kovbasa+
Barry, the Colonial Williamsburg boy from Long Island. Mortadella.
Jermaine, the Biggest Guy on My Sausage List: a very cute Harvard undergrad who I met in Boston in 2001. He had the annoying habit of asking "Who's your daddy?" every five seconds, even though I was substantially older. But he made up for it with his intellect, and with his Kovbasa+++++
Stefan, the Icelandic Photographer, who Fred dated after Jester. Kovbasa
Janik, from at the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam in 2003. He invited me to live with him in a small town in Friesland. I only lasted a few days. Mortadella
Remy the Jerk. A Halloween party date from hell with a total *hole. Even his Kielbasa couldn't save the evening.
Farshad from Morocco. We met in France in 2007. Mortadella+
The Satyr, one of the The Gang of 12 from Upstate New York. We had one date in the fall of 2008, and then I switched to his boytoy/roommate/boyfriend (who must have felt like a muppet). Kovbasa+
Troy, the French major who became my partner for around five years. Kielbasa.
Jimmy, the Boy Toy. Or rather the roommate of my two platonic friends. I expected a night of "sharing" but got a date. Kielbasa
Jameer. I became his Boy Toy, even though I was twenty years older. Mortadella+
Gabe, the twink who wasn't interested, but we became friends, and shared on occasion. Kielbasa+
Todd, the nephew of the guy I had my first sexual experience with, back in high school. Kielbasa.
Justin, the shy supersized guy at the gym. Not much of a physique, but: Kovbasa++++.