The Florida Cowboy with the Footlong

Sebring, Florida, February, 2004

A Saturday morning.  Yuri bursts into my room at 6:00 am.

"Time to get up!" he exclaims.  "We must go soon.  Jake has many plans for us today."

"Jake...what?  Who?"  I murmur.

"You made me go with the sleazoid Jauvier last week, so now it is my turn.  I told you before, remember?  Jake, I met him on the internet?  We will visit today, and stay the night, and share."

"The whole day and night?" I complain.  "I just inflicted Jauvier and Victor on you for a couple of hours."

"Sure, but it takes three days to get the smell of his odekolon out of my room."

"Well -- can I at least see a picture of this guy in advance?"

"No.  It will be a surprise."

Gulp.  Yuri knows all of my turn-ons...and turn-offs.  Is he going to fix us up with the date from hell?

Worse...a cracker.  A Florida cowboy

After breakfast and the gym, we drive two hours north from Wilton Manors, to the redneck center of the state, to Sebring, a small town of 10,000 known primarily for its racetrack -- it hosts a 12-hour long Grand Prix every year.

"Maybe Jake will take us to a race tonight." Yuri says with an evil grin.  "But he will probably want to go to a basketball game.  You like basketball, yes?"

Turn-off #1: Sports nut 

When we arrive at Jake's house, he's in the front yard, doing some sort of yard work with his shirt off.  He's in his 40s, with a long, angular face, deep-set haunted eyes, and a goatee.

Turn-offs #2 and #3: Long faces and goatees.

He has a respectable physique: tall, muscular, a little pudgy around the belly, hairy pecs.  But nipple rings and several tattoos spoil the effect.

Turn-off #4: Tattoos.

We go in the house, say hello to Jake's teenage daughter Charity and drink lemonade.

Jake came out about eight years ago.  He and his wife are divorced, but they're still on good terms.  They have joint custody of Charity, who stays with him every weekend.

Turn-off #5: Men who were married before coming out.

I catch Yuri's eye and glare.  He smiles.

"Will she be here tonight?" I ask, scandalized.  You can't have a date overnight with a teenager in the house!

"Oh, no, she's got a sleepover at her friend's house.  Tonight it will be just us men."



After our lemonade, we walk out to Jake's alpaca ranch.

Jake and his co-owners raise alpacas mostly for their wool, but tourists like to drop by and pet and feed them.

Alpacas are cute, like small, cuddly llamas, but they smell bad and make a weird screaming noise.  And they're so starved for affection that the moment we enter their pasture, we are mobbed and almost nudged to death.  "Pet me!  Pet me!" they scream.

"Don't scare them," Jake warns.  "They spit."

There's a souvenir shop, a petting zoo for the kids,  and a little museum of alpaca history, beginning with when they were first domesticated by Peruvian Indians about 6,000 years ago.

"Have you been to Peru?" Jake asks.

"Um...no.  I've been to Colombia."

"Manchu Piccu is the trip of a lifetime.  Very spiritual."

Yuri nudges me.  "Spiritual!" he whispers.  "You like guys who are religious, right?"

Next Jake suggests horseback riding, but I have been on horses only twice in my life, so I opt for a nice, safe hike instead.

Of course, hikes take twice as long.  And with the blazing Florida sun and sauna humidity, I'm soon soaked, sunburned, bug-eaten, and exhausted.  I just want to go home -- my own home -- and go to bed.

Turn-off #6: Outdoor nut.

We go back to Jake's house to shower, apply itch cream, and change clothes.  Charity says goodbye as she rushes off with her friend, and Jake takes us to dinner at a place called the Cowpoke's Watering Hole.

It looks like a tiki bar, but serves cajun grub, like crawfish and alligator tail, plus steaks and seafood.  And there is live music playing.

Turn-off #7: Country-Western Music

"This place is really hopping on Tuesday nights," Jake says.  "That's when ladies get their drinks half off.  A lot of romance in the air, let me tell you."

Turn-off #8: Discussions of Feminine Beauty

"Let's make this a male-only zone," I suggest.  "No discussions of ladies or feminine charms, just a night of raw masculinity."

Jake nods.  "I get you.  Shall I ask the band to play 'It's Raining Men'?"

When Jake leaves to "hit the head," I tell Yuri, "Ok, you've got your revenge for Jauvier.  Can we just go home?"

He frowns.  "Why?  Jake is nice, right?"

"No, he's been a perfect gentleman. But he's got 8 of my top 10 turn-offs.  Besides, I'm tired, I'm sunburned, I'm freaked out by the rednecks.  I just want to go home."

"But Jake spends the whole day with us.  It is rude to go away now.  And it's a long drive, and I'm tired, too."

I sigh.  "Ok, we can spend the night.  But do we have to share?  No way Jake is my type."

"No, it's ok.  Jake and I will go to the bedroom, and you will sleep on the couch."

We go back to the house for a "nightcap" -- whiskey for Jake, beer for Yuri, soda for me.

Then Jake says "Well, we don't need these clothes anymore, do we, boys?"  He rips off his shirt, right there in the living room, kicks off his boots, and fumbles with his belt.

"Boomer is too tired," Yuri begins. "He is not..."

Jake's pants come down.  He unwraps an enormous, super-thick Kovbasa+, one of the biggest I've ever seen!

Yuri and I both stare for a moment.  Then he continues.  "Um...Boomer is too tired.  He is not into..."

"Not into what?" I exclaim, cutting him off.  "I'm into anything you can throw at me!  Jake, put on some more Waylon Jennings, and let's get this party started!"

Turn-on #1: Super-sized beneath the belt.

See also: Yuri and I Share the Boy Toy and His Daddy; My Top 10 Turn-Offs; and The Worst Date in Florida History