Saturday, December 31, 2016

A Boy With Daddy Issues Rips My Clothes Off

Plains, May 2015

Ever since I wimped out on Raphael, the Gay Psychic Angel, who was perfect in every way except that his arms didn't work, I have felt guilty.  I should have called -- I would have called -- except I kept imagining becoming his boyfriend, and being responsible for helping him eat and dress and use the bathroom -- how shallow!

So I decided that if I ever had such an opportunity again, I would go for it without hesitation.

The opportunity came in, of all places, a comic book store on the Plains.

I always feel out of place amid the fanboys and fantasy gamers, self-conscious about my age more than anything, so I rush in, get what I need, and rush out again.  But on that Saturday afternoon in May 2015, there were two guys standing in front of the New Arrival rack.

One was a hefty, bearded bear in his 40s.  He was picking up titles and showing them to his friend, who was small, slim, in his 20s.

And had cerebral palsy.

Back in college, I dated Jimmy, the Bodybuilder on Crutches, but his cerebral palsy resulted only in some stiffness, so he had to use crutches to get around, and some motor actions were difficult.

This guy had spastic movements (uncontrollable spasms in his arms), spasticity in his hands (they bent back), and gait disturbance (one leg dragged behind).

He turned and smiled at me. "We're almost done."

Slurred speech, too.

"Oh, don't worry.  Take your time."

He continued to smile.  The cruise was unmistakable.

I should say something else.  "Um...I heard that IDW is coming out with a new Donald Duck title.  Funny how Disney titles never last."

"Well, you know fanboys are fickle. My name is Andy."

"Boomer.  Pleased to meet you."

He swung his body to stretch out his curled, curved hand.  I took it and squeezed.  For some reason, I was surprised that it was warm.

By now his friend was staring at me suspiciously.  "This is my warden," Andy said in his slurred speech. "His job is to make sure I never have any fun."

"Roy -- Andy's Dad,"  he grunted.  "The one with the car."

Ok, I was being cruised by a guy who was thirty years younger than me, with spastic movements that kind of freaked me out, in a comic book store, in front of his father.

Time to seal the deal!

"Have you had lunch yet?  There's a pretty good Chinese place down the street that I like."

"We're going for pizza," Andy countered.  "You should come."

Roy grunted disapprovingly.  In retrospect, it must have seemed odd to watch his son pick up a strange guy twice his age.  Or did Andy do this all the time?

We had barbecue chicken pizza and garlic knots, while Andy's "spastic movements" kept rubbing his leg against mine.  I couldn't tell if Roy knew that his son was cruising me,  but it was obvious that he kept strict control over Andy's friends.  You had to prove yourself.

Turns out that Andy and I didn't have a lot in common.  He liked sports -- especially baseball -- and zombie movies and tv programs like The Walking Dead.

And he lacked most of the traits that I find attractive -- he was shorter than me, but slim, pale-skinned, and not religious.  I didn't get a chance to check on his beneath-the-belt gifts.

I was tempted to let the relationship slide,but then I thought of the Psychic Angel.  No way -- we were going forward, as far as Andy wanted!

Apparently I proved myself to Roy, as I got permission to solo with Andy the next day: a baseball game -- yawn -- then back to my apartment to kiss on the couch.

"I always liked older guys," Andy whispered, groping me with his curved hand.  "You're always so big!"

"It doesn't really get bigger as you get older."

"Ok, I guess I have Daddy issues, then."

"Well, your father is rather hot."

"Oh, I fantasize about him sometimes -- is that sick?  I want to tie him up and spank him.  You know, be the one in charge."

I could see where this was heading! "Sorry, I'm not really into that."  Andy probably couldn't tie ropes well, anyway.

"Ok, so...maybe I could like just tear your clothes off before we do it?  That would be erotic."

"Um...sure, I guess."

I put on an old t-shirt and jeans, and we went into the bedroom.  But old clothes are quite tough, apparently, and Andy's spastic hand movements couldn't get them to rip. I had to start the process with scissors.

The erotic activity that followed was a little disappointing.  Andy had a Bratwurst, very thick, with a foreskin that wouldn't retract -- but he was only into backside activity -- and a top.

I let him top me, but he worked so fast that I barely noticed.

Then I drove him home.

"This was fun," he said.  "Sometime you should meet my boyfriend.  He'd like you, too."

Boyfriend?  Wait -- I thought that Andy was a lonely shut-in who never got asked out, that I was doing him a favor by dating him.  "Is he an older guy?"

"Oh, no, he's in college.  All the college boys want to date me, but hardly ever anyone older.  But  older guys are fun -- they're always so grateful!   Well, bye!"

Wait -- was Andy doing me a favor?

See also Gay Psychic Angel; Cruised by my Mentally Disabled Neighbor

Sunday, December 25, 2016

20 Uncles, Cousins, and Nephews on My Sausage Sighting List

Many guys have told me that their first inklings of same-sex desire came when they saw a cousin or uncle naked.  Sometimes they even had their first sexual encounter with a relative.

It makes sense -- uncles and cousins live far away, so you don't see them often, and the "mystery" necessary for sexual desire is retained, but there's a familial intimacy that makes sausage sightings much more likely than with strangers.

Here are my top 20 family-member sausage sightings, gropes, and grabs.

My Family

Ken, my brother.  Lots of times.

Terry, my sister's husband.  A bit homophobic, but still, I got a glimpse in the locker room when we stripped down to work out together.

Dad's Family, the Davises

Cousin Joe.  My very first sausage sighting, when I was 7 1/2 years old and went to the bathroom late at night, to see my older cousin there, washing off in the sink.  I saw him again, fully aroused, in high school.

Cousin George.  From South Carolina, exactly my age.  When I went to visit him at age 10, we took a bath together, and slept in the same bed, naked: "only fools wear pajamas."

Uncle George.  His father.  When we went swimming, we all changed clothes in the same room, and I got a good view of his cut Mortadella+ hanging down.

Cousin Phil.  One Thanksgiving evening my brother and I had to share a room with my older cousin.  I got not only a sausage sighting, but a sausage grope and fondle.

Cousin Donnie.  Actually my third or fourth cousin, from Canada.  Grandma Davis brought us out to visit one summer.  I got a good view in a bathhouse at the beach.

Mom's Family, the Praters

Uncle Paul, my mother's youngest brother.  He taught me how to pee "against the wind," and of course had to pull it out to demonstrate.  But I'm sure that the Naked Man in the Peat Bog was one of his friend.

Cousin Graydon, his son.  When he was grown up, I tried to get a sausage sighting, but didn't make it.  But my boyfriend Troy got one.

Uncle Edd.  When I was ten years old, Cousin Buster and I spied on him in the outhouse, hoping to get a glimpse of his "gun."  I saw something else instead.

Cousin Buster.  We spent a lot of time together, so I got several sausage sightings, including one when he was fully aroused.

My Kentucky Cousins.   The summer when I was twelve years old, we went down to Kentucky to visit my Uncle Ell and his family.  My three boy cousins and their two friends and I went skinny dipping in the creek.  Lots of butts.

Uncle Ell.  They didn't have running water in Kentucky, so they took baths by heating water on the stove and pouring it in a bathtub.  Uncle Ell went first.

My Indian Relatives

There was a complicated story that I didn't figure out until I was an adult.  As a kid all I knew was that we sometimes visited Grandma Rani in the Potawatomie Nation.

Cousin Javon.  Grandma Rani's grandson, so my cousin.  During an "enemy interrogation" game, I pulled down his pants and got a sausage grope.

Uncle Clyde.  I had to go to the bathroom while he was taking a shower.  He invited me to come in anyway. A glimpse of his massive penis through the opaque curtain.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Nude Photos of Former Tarzan Boy Steve Bond

Here are the nude photos of Steve Bond, 1960s Tarzan boy who staged a comeback by displaying his fabulous endowment in Playgirl, a risky move in 1975.  The full post is on Boomer Beefcake and Bonding

Steve is in his 60s now, and still appears on screen occasionally.  His most recent films are Noah (2012) and Born to Race: Fast Track (2014).  Unfortunately, no nude shots.

See also: Two Celebrity Kids Hook Up with Tarzan

Friday, December 23, 2016

My Christmas Date with the College Track Star

Small-Town Illinois, December 2016

Last September as I was driving through small-town Illinois on the way back from Indianapolis, I met Ryan H., a University of Illinois freshman, previously a high school track star from a small town.

For the next three months we chatted on Facebook and Snapchat.  He invited me to visit him at Christmastime, and every now and then sent me a selfie to pique my interest.

And another, and another. Butts at first, but when I told him I was only into the front side, lots of shirtless shots.  And cock-and-balls shots.  Nude, aroused, fapping.

[To protect his privacy, I changed his name and location, and none of these photos are actually of him.]

I was torn. 600 miles is a long way.

But he lives right on the way to my parents' house.

Besides, you never meet a perfect combination of face, physique, and Kovbasa++.

There was never really any doubt about what would happen.

Wednesday, December 21st

I drive to Rock Island, work out in the spectacular gym next to the Holiday Inn, and get a Harris Pizza before going on Grindr and inviting a twink named Park over.  He's not very cute, but he has a nice sized Mortadella+ for me to practice my oral skills on.

I'm going to need all the practice I can get before trying out Ryan's Kovbasa++ tomorrow night!

And I need a refresher on contemporary pop culture and slang.  What does "stay woke" mean, for instance, and who the heck are the Chainsmokers?

Thursday, December 22nd

Breakfast at my favorite place in Rock Island, then a three-hour drive to Urbana.  I get a room at the Holiday Inn and go to the Krannert Art Museum at the University of Illinois, where there's an exhibit on "Making and Breaking Medieval Manuscripts."  

At 3:00 pm, I lift weights -- chest and biceps only.  I want to be good and pumped when I see Ryan.

Then it's time to for a protein snack and a shower. I put on my new underwear, jeans, t-shirt, and leather jacket, leaving nothing to chance,  and drive to small-town Illinois.

5:00 pm:   I expect to meet Ryan at a friend's house, or in a public place, but the directions he gives me are to a house in a flat suburb surrounded by cornfields.

A balding, paunchy middle-aged man answers the door, and offers me a handshake. "You must be Boomer.  I'm Ryan's father, Marshall."

He told his father about me?

Not only his father -- Marshall leads me into a living room festooned with Christmas cards and holly, where I meet Ryan's mother and younger brother.  They offer me eggnog (which I accept) and cheese-and-crackers (which I refuse) and ask the sorts of questions parents ask: "How did you and Ryan meet?  What do you do?"

After about ten minutes, Ryan come down the stairs.  As cute as I remember!  White cargo shirt open two buttons, blue jacket, tight jeans with an obvious bulge.  He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the cheek.

"Don't keep my boy out too late, now," Dad says as we walk toward the door.

"Dad, I'm 19!" Ryan exclaims.

"And I'm 46. We both need our beauty sleep."

We climb into my car.  "Your parents don't mind that you're dating someone my age?" I ask.

"No.  They think older guys are more mature, so I'm less likely to get in trouble.  My first boyfriend was way old -- 53."

I don't mention that I'm 56.

6:00 pm:   I expected to go into Urbana to the gay bars, but instead we go to a varsity wrestling match at the high school.  We sit in the bleachers with Ryan's bff Sam and two other guys!

Not my idea of a first date.  Especially since I'm the only person over 40 in the stadium who isn't a parent.

But I make the best of it, looking for wrestling singlet bulges.  And finding them.

8:00 pm: Dinner with Ryan, the bff, and the two other guys at a "family restaurant."  I have the fried chicken.

It's sort of nice to be squeezed into a booth next to Ryan, our legs pressed together.

But so small-town...wholesome...tame.

This is the adventurous guy who snuck into a gay bar in Indianapolis with a fake id and had a three way with Harry Styles of One Direction?  

Maybe Ryan is planning a group thing later.

Nope -- after dessert (apple pie), two of the three friends scatter., leaving Sam.  

"So, back to my hotel in Champaign?" I suggest.

Ryan looks doubtful.  "I promised Mom and Dad that I'd be home early."

"It's only fifteen minutes away."

"You guys can come hang out at my house," Sam offers.

Sharing, on a first date? I think.  What will kids today think of next!

10:00 pm:  Ryan and I sit on the bed in Sam's bedroom, watching Yoga Hosers on Netflix.  Sam has a chair.

It's rather nice to cuddle with Ryan, feeling his body against my chest, holding his hand.  Like being a teenager again.

But when are we going to get to the sexual activity?  Is Sam going to join us, or leave so we can get some privacy?

When Sam goes to the bathroom, we kiss and grope.  I feel Ryan's Kovbasa growing under my hand, and start to unzip him.

"Wait."  He pushes me away.  "Sam will be back any minute."

This is the guy who's been sending me nude selfies for three months?  Who had a three way with a pop star?  Come on!

12:00 am, sharp.  I drive Ryan back to his house and walk him to his front door, hoping to be sneaked into the house and into his bed.  

Instead, I get a kiss.

"What are you doing New Year's Eve?" he asks.

"I guess I'll still be in Indianapolis."

"Perfect.  The family's spending New Year's Eve in Indianapolis, too.  I'll take you to a pizza party at a 21-and-under club.  Text me."

He kisses me again and vanishes into the house.

There's no rule that you must have bedroom activity on a first date.  I guess.

I drive back to my hotel, feeling something like this.

See also: Picking Up a Track Star in Small-Town Illinois;  Ryan's Three Way with a Boy Band Member; My New Year's Eve Date.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

300 Naked Men Before Breakfast

I looked at over 300 pictures of naked men this morning before breakfast.

Big and small, thin and fat, flaccid and aroused, all ages (18+), races, shapes, and sizes.

And, if I had the time and inclination, I could easily look at 300 more.

When I was growing up in Rock Island, and even through my years in West Hollywood in the 1980s and 1990s, you might see ten pictures of naked men per month, if you were lucky.

They were glossy photos of professional models in expensive magazines.

Nude photos of amateurs were extremely rare.  Photo labs wouldn't develop them, so you had to have your own darkroom.

Once I photographed Fred from the waist up immediately after his orgasm.  We sent it in to the photo lab, laughing, knowing that the lab technicians would have no idea what they were processing.

Even shirtless photos were rare.  Occasionally a shirtless celebrity would show up in a movie magazine.  Or you could look at the underwear ads in clothes catalogs.

Beginning around 1990, cameras appeared that developed the pictures on the spot, so you didn't need a photo lab.  Suddenly you could get nude photos.

But only of your friends, who you had seen naked in real life.  There wasn't much point.

Once one of Fred's friends flew out to West Hollywood for a visit, took some nude photos of me, and showed them to every gay man in Des Moines.

In the 1990s, Usenet groups, and later bulletin boards, allowed you to look at -- and download -- photos of shirtless and naked men for a small fee. Only a few per week, all professional models, but still, it was an amazing improvement.

Checking for the new photos on your usenet groups and bulletin boards became a standard part of your morning routine.

The explosion began around 2007, when smartphones became capable of taking uncensored photos and submitting them instantly.

Suddenly every guy with a smartphone and a bathroom mirror could post himself and his friends on the internet.

Not every guy did, of course: if you were shy, conservative, sensitive, if you had a small penis or a self-esteem problem, if you were worried about your career, you wouldn't bother.

I have some shirtless photos online, and some penis shots, but not both together.

We're much pickier now.  A big penis or hairy chest is not enough.  To attract our attention, the guy has to have something that stands out: a smile, a tattoo, a special combination of face and physique.  Plus we look at the background of the photo, analyze the composition, structure, and lighting.

We have become connoisseurs of naked men.

Which is fine.

But sometimes I miss the days when seeing a photo of a naked man was a rare, exciting experience, something to be cherished.

Not the 20 minutes before breakfast in your daily routine.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Five Three-Ways with Kevin the Vampire

San Francisco, December 1996

Sex with Kevin the Vampire, my sort-of boyfriend in San Francisco, was exhausting.  No simple ten-minute blow job for him!  It was a long, complicated ordeal that took two hours minimum.

There was massage with weird oils.

There were ice cubes and strawberries.

His hands and mouth went everywhere, kissing and licking places that I didn't even know I had.  How did he manage to get his tongue inside my penis hole?

He would bring you close to orgasm, stop, start again, stop, start again, stop, over and over until you were begging for it.

Then, after your orgasm, he kept on going.  While you were still sensitive!

 In order to survive, I would have to find some way to dilute Kevin's sexual energy.

Tiring him out with a hard workout?  No.

Depressing him with tales of childhood homophobia?  No.

Keeping him up late?  No.

One morning over our breakfast coffee (Kevin didn't eat), I suggested bringing in a third person.

"I'm really rather monogamous," he said with a frown. "I prefer to devote my full attention to my man, as you know."

 Yes, but your full attention is exhausting!  "I like a bit of variety from time to time."

"Well, I'm perfectly agreeable to an open relationship.  You may certainly attend your Bear Parties, and go out with your friend David to cruise for Cute Young Things."

I took his hand.  "But I want the other guy to experience you in the bedroom.  Your hotness.  Your enthusiasm.  Your power."

He chuckled.  "Flattery has its uses.  By all means, then, bring on the barbarian hoards."

Three Way #1: Corbin the Gym Rat

Corbin and I worked out together and went to services at the MCC, the gay church.  He was about 10 years younger than me, tall, Mediterranean, very muscular, with a handsome face, big black eyes, aquiline nose, a prominent chin.  And a Mortadella+ beneath the belt.

After my birthday dinner in November, Kevin and I invited him home.

For four hours of hands and thighs and tongues, incense and oils, hot wax and feathers. Corbin was brought to the point of orgasm a dozen times until he was crying. Kevin allowed me to take his spurt, then turned me over on my back and told Corbin exactly how to use his mouth and tongue, what to stroke, what to lick.

It was almost dawn when I finished, and Kevin was still fully aroused!

Three Way #2: Lamar

Maybe Kevin was too attracted to Corbin to dispel his sexual energy.  Maybe if I found someone he wasn't attracted to at all?

He liked tall, broad-shouldered, muscular guys, He despised "short, fey twinks with earrings and squeaky little voices."

So I went to Twin Peaks in the Castro and picked up Lamar, a short, fey twink with a smooth, sallow chest, and long, skinny legs. We kissed and groped for awhile, and then I invited him home to meet Kevin.

I went down on him while he went down on Kevin, who finished almost immediately and then rolled over and fell asleep.

Rather disappointing -- I wanted to diminish the intensity of Kevin's passion, not extinguish it altogether.

Three Way #3: Orson

Ok, someone who was closer to Kevin's type, but not too close: a hairy muscle bear.  So I went to the Eagle and picked up a leather daddy named Orson -- about ten years older than me, balding, with a grizzly beard and a thick mat of white chest hair.

He turned out to be an anal top.  Neither of us were into anal, so Kevin and I took turns going down on him and fondling each other.

When he finished, Orson turned over onto his stomach and began to snore.  Kevin and I fell asleep soon, too.  No orgasms.

This was like the Three Bears story -- too hot, too cold.  I needed to find a guy who was "just right"

Three Way #4: Marius

Our fourth three-way was with one of Kevin's friends.  Actually his only close friend -- and boss at St. Mary's -- Marius, a beefy muscle bear in his 40s, with a heavy beard and a thick mat of chest hair.  He was from Argentina, but his parents were German.  He was somehow related to famous theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer..

This time Kevin was all over both of us, kissing and fondling, running his tongue over cocks and balls and nipples and armpits.  I went down on Marius twice, and Kevin three times, until my jaw ached.  He brought us near orgasm a dozen times before allowing us to spurt together.

Ok, what was the difference between Marius and Orson?  They were both hung muscle bears.

What did Kevin find attractive other than muscular physiques and gigantic sausages?

I couldn't ask him openly, of course, but I hinted around and got three characteristics:
1. Intelligence.
2. Innocence/naivete.
3, Religious devotion.

Suddenly it struck me:
Corbin and Marius: Muscle and religion (too hot)
Lamar: Neither (too cold)
Orson: Muscle only (too cold).

How about religion only?

Three Way #5: Wayne

Our fifth-three way was with Wayne, one of David's friends: a former Greek Orthodox priest who ran an interdenominational Orthodox fellowship in Berkeley.  He was in his 30s, handsome, cleanshaven, not muscular, with a pale chest, thin arms, and a Bratwurst beneath the belt.

Religion only.

Kevin was attentive to both of us, but not extravagant.  Kissing, oral, 69, interfemoral, no edging or weird oils.  One orgasm apiece.  Finished before dawn.

Now I just had to find a lot more skinny religious guys.

See also: Kevin the Vampire's Date with Satan.

Monday, December 12, 2016

10 Things You Should Know About Dating Teenagers

Teenagers are everywhere.  They're delivering your pizzas, mowing your lawn, working out next to you at the gym, reading depressing poetry at the coffee house, texting furiously while sitting six-to-a-booth at the diner.

They are generally attractive, with fresh, eager faces, tight smooth bodies that haven't yet gone to fat, even if they aren't particularly buffed, and penises that will never be so frequently aroused again for the rest of their life.

And they're available.  I estimate that about 75% of gay and bi teenage boys are into older guys (a category that includes everyone from age 25 to death), and the others aren't usually, but they'll make an exception if you know your way around a gym.

They are drawn to five things that their peers lack, but daddies have in abundance:  an apartment, a car, a college degree, a hairy chest, and sexual experience.

But before you make a date with that cute guy who is cruising you, there are 10 things you should know:

1. You will have to card him.  Adolescent development occurs at different rates, so the guy who looks like an adult, with hard muscles and hair on his chest, might be only 14 or 15.  Don't take his word for it -- check his id to make sure he's of legal age.

2. He may bring a friend. Teenagers don't actually "date" anymore; they hang out.  They may pair off later for sexual activity, but the social part of the evening takes place in a group.  He won't understand your desire for one-on-one conversation.

Of course, that may work out to your advantage, if the friend wants to share your bed, too.

3. He will be texting constantly.  In his world, it's not rude. His friends expect him to be constantly narrating his life events, and commenting on theirs, no matter what he's doing.

4. You may meet the parents.  In my generation, parents didn't even know that you were gay.  Today's teenagers have been out for ten years, and parents subject their dates to the same scrutiny they give those of heterosexual kids.

5. You will be paying.  Your income is about a hundred times his, after all.

6. There will be drama.  In adolescence emotions run rampant.  He will love you, hate you, and be indifferent to you -- all in the same evening.

7. You will be topping him.  Teenagers think of oral as "fooling around."  They've been doing it with their buddies for years.  Sex -- "real sex" consists of anal, and they are generally bottoms.

8. You will have to insist on the condom.  Teenage brains have a hard time imagining long-term consequences to an act, so safe sex is not usually a concern.

9. No nude pictures.  For sexually explicit photos, the legal age is 18 everywhere in the U.S., so you can go to bed with that 16-year old in Connecticut, but you can't photograph him.


10. He needs mentoring.  He knows little or nothing of gay history and culture.  He may think that all religions are homophobic, or that gay people have always had legal protections.  He will probably be terrified of the upcoming homophobic government in the U.S.

You have a responsibility to be more than a sex partner.  You have to be his link to the gay world.

See also: Teenagers, Twinks, and Cute Young Things on My Dating List; My Scary Half-Date with the Teenage Lawnboy

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My Worst, Best, and Most Erotic Christmases

I hate, hate, hate Christmas!  It's big, crowded, glaring, noisy, uncomfortable, loaded down with gut-busting cookies and candy and growling, nasty people who call you a Grinch if you're not ecstatic all the time.

I especially hate the long, crowded, delayed, cancelled flight back home to the Midwest, where I'm stuck in my old room, surrounded by the ghosts of Christmas past.

Where it's too cold to go out or I don't have a car, and all of my friends have moved away, so I'm stuck in the house, watching tv and having uncomfortable conversations with people I haven't seen since last year.

I left the gay world for this?

My 10 Worst Christmases during the last 30 years have all involved traveling back to the Midwest.

1. 1985: Back from West Hollywood to hear my future brother-in-law talk about how everyone with AIDS should be shot.  In my absence, my boyfriend Alan hooks up with a Norwegian con artist.

2. 1988: My terrible dissertation committee has motivated me to flee the country for Turkey, but my crazy relatives worry about me living in tents and riding camels.

3. 1992: Nothing special, just infinite boredom, and some homophobic editorials in the local newspaper.

4. 1994: Too cold to leave the house.  AND I discover that my parents still have that darn photo of me with a girl on their dresser.  

5. 1997: Back in New York, I have two boyfriends, Yuri and Jaan.  How long will it take them to realize that they could be dating each other?

6. 2005: My friend Dick and his partner have moved to Denver: the last of my Rock Island friends. A very lonely visit.

7. 2006: I'm living in Dayton, just two hours away from Indianapolis, but still, artistic, neurotic Paul, one of my two closeted boyfriends, doesn't want to come home with me.  Someone might figure out.

8. 2008: I am dating Chad, the Satyr's boy toy, and dread leaving him home with the Satyr for two weeks.

9. 2009: We drive to Garrett to visit crazy fundamentalist relatives that I haven't seen in 20 years.

10. 2012: I'm living in Philadelphia, which has one of the most frustrating airports in the world. My flight is cancelled twice, on the way to Indianapolis and on the way back.

And My 10 Best Christmases have usually involved staying in the gay world.

1. 1987:
Too sick to go to the Midwest. My very hot Muslim doctor makes a housecall that turns into a date.  Then two.

2. 1989: Working at the Getty Consternation Institute, not enough time off to fly back to the Midwest.  Lane and I go to a Hanukah party, a bear party, Midnight Mass at a gay-friendly Catholic church, and Christmas breakfast at the French Quarter.

3. 1991: More of the same.

4. 1995: My first year in San Francisco.  We go to a bear party, a Gay Men's Chorus concert, and It's a Wonderful Life at the Castro Theater.  It is a wonderful life when you're living in San Francisco.

5. 1996: More of the same, plus David and I go on a date with Santa Claus.

6. 2002: In Florida, I start dating the Young Republican just before Christmas, and prudently don't leave him behind for two weeks, surrounded by Florida beach boys.  It's 78 degrees on Christmas day.

7. 2004: The gift of the Magi:  Yuri and I exchange Christmas hookups AND spend a week in France.

8. 2010: Ok, for this one I went back to Indianapolis with Troy, my Upstate boyfriend, and introduced him to all of my "old" haunts.  Plus almost a sausage sighting of my Cousin.

9. 2011: We stay Upstate, and go to Christmas dinner at the home of his grandmother's cousin's son's ex-wife. There are eighty people there, and Troy is out to every one of them; no awkward "so who is this?" questions.

10. 2014: Inside all day, watching Charlie Brown specials, eating turkey and low-fat apple cobbler.  No awkward conversations with people I don't know, or that I haven't seen for a year.  No painful trip to the airport.  No boredom.  No angst.

On the other hand, My 10 Most Erotic Christmases have all been in Rock Island or Indianapolis, where hooking up is as easy as saying "hi."  I guess everyone is wowed by a sophisticated guy who lives in a gay mecca.  Or else I'm not the only one suffering from infinite boredom during a holiday visit with parents.

1. 1986: My ex-boyfriend Fred and I hit JRs together on Christmas Eve and bring home a ginger boy Fred knew in high school.

2. 1990: My friend Dick and I hit JRs in Rock Island on Christmas Eve, and meet the same Ginger Boy!

3. 1993: I hook up with Brother Byron, the Church Treasurer of the Nazarene church when I was a kid.

4. 1998: In Indianapolis, I meet a guy who lives only five blocks from my parents' house.  Unfortunately, he's closeted.  Then to West Hollywood for New Year's, where I "share" Kerry's boyfriend.

5. 1999: A big holiday.  First, in Rock Island, I meet my old Sunday School teacher's stripper sons.  Then I spend New Year's Eve in Indianapolis, where Matt the Bartender uses the Y2K bug to trick me into his bed.

6. 2000: I bring Yuri home for Christmas, and we teach my 14-year old nephew the Gay Facts of Life.

7. 2001: I discover that Dick, my old bully, has been dating the pizza boy, who becomes my Christmas present.

8. 2003: My Uncle El dies on January 1st.  We go to Kentucky for his funeral, and I reunite with my Kentucky Kinfolk.  It's more erotic than it sounds.

9. 2007: In Indianapolis, I meet Jim, one of the youngest mayors in Indiana.

10. 2013: I actually set foot in a Nazarene church for the first time in 30 years, in order to save the church organist, a boy who wants to enter an all-female occupation, from Nazarene homophobia.

See also: My 12 Christmas Boyfriends; My Best, Worst, and Most Erotic Summers.


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