Ever since I wimped out on Raphael, the Gay Psychic Angel, who was perfect in every way except that his arms didn't work, I have felt guilty. I should have called -- I would have called -- except I kept imagining becoming his boyfriend, and being responsible for helping him eat and dress and use the bathroom -- how shallow!
So I decided that if I ever had such an opportunity again, I would go for it without hesitation.
The opportunity came in, of all places, a comic book store on the Plains.
I always feel out of place amid the fanboys and fantasy gamers, self-conscious about my age more than anything, so I rush in, get what I need, and rush out again. But on that Saturday afternoon in May 2015, there were two guys standing in front of the New Arrival rack.
One was a hefty, bearded bear in his 40s. He was picking up titles and showing them to his friend, who was small, slim, in his 20s.
And had cerebral palsy.
This guy had spastic movements (uncontrollable spasms in his arms), spasticity in his hands (they bent back), and gait disturbance (one leg dragged behind).
He turned and smiled at me. "We're almost done."
Slurred speech, too.
"Oh, don't worry. Take your time."
He continued to smile. The cruise was unmistakable.
I should say something else. "Um...I heard that IDW is coming out with a new Donald Duck title. Funny how Disney titles never last."
"Well, you know fanboys are fickle. My name is Andy."
"Boomer. Pleased to meet you."
He swung his body to stretch out his curled, curved hand. I took it and squeezed. For some reason, I was surprised that it was warm.
By now his friend was staring at me suspiciously. "This is my warden," Andy said in his slurred speech. "His job is to make sure I never have any fun."
"Roy -- Andy's Dad," he grunted. "The one with the car."
Ok, I was being cruised by a guy who was thirty years younger than me, with spastic movements that kind of freaked me out, in a comic book store, in front of his father.
Time to seal the deal!
"Have you had lunch yet? There's a pretty good Chinese place down the street that I like."
"We're going for pizza," Andy countered. "You should come."
Roy grunted disapprovingly. In retrospect, it must have seemed odd to watch his son pick up a strange guy twice his age. Or did Andy do this all the time?
We had barbecue chicken pizza and garlic knots, while Andy's "spastic movements" kept rubbing his leg against mine. I couldn't tell if Roy knew that his son was cruising me, but it was obvious that he kept strict control over Andy's friends. You had to prove yourself.
Turns out that Andy and I didn't have a lot in common. He liked sports -- especially baseball -- and zombie movies and tv programs like The Walking Dead.
And he lacked most of the traits that I find attractive -- he was shorter than me, but slim, pale-skinned, and not religious. I didn't get a chance to check on his beneath-the-belt gifts.
I was tempted to let the relationship slide,but then I thought of the Psychic Angel. No way -- we were going forward, as far as Andy wanted!
Apparently I proved myself to Roy, as I got permission to solo with Andy the next day: a baseball game -- yawn -- then back to my apartment to kiss on the couch.
"I always liked older guys," Andy whispered, groping me with his curved hand. "You're always so big!"
"It doesn't really get bigger as you get older."
"Ok, I guess I have Daddy issues, then."
"Well, your father is rather hot."
"Oh, I fantasize about him sometimes -- is that sick? I want to tie him up and spank him. You know, be the one in charge."
I could see where this was heading! "Sorry, I'm not really into that." Andy probably couldn't tie ropes well, anyway.
"Um...sure, I guess."
I put on an old t-shirt and jeans, and we went into the bedroom. But old clothes are quite tough, apparently, and Andy's spastic hand movements couldn't get them to rip. I had to start the process with scissors.
The erotic activity that followed was a little disappointing. Andy had a Bratwurst, very thick, with a foreskin that wouldn't retract -- but he was only into backside activity -- and a top.
I let him top me, but he worked so fast that I barely noticed.
Then I drove him home.
"This was fun," he said. "Sometime you should meet my boyfriend. He'd like you, too."
Boyfriend? Wait -- I thought that Andy was a lonely shut-in who never got asked out, that I was doing him a favor by dating him. "Is he an older guy?"
"Oh, no, he's in college. All the college boys want to date me, but hardly ever anyone older. But older guys are fun -- they're always so grateful! Well, bye!"
Wait -- was Andy doing me a favor?
See also Gay Psychic Angel; Cruised by my Mentally Disabled Neighbor