10 Pressing Questions about Hookup Apps

Hookup apps like Grinder, Scruff, and Adam4Adam are quick and easy; put up a profile, sit back, and wait for guys to message you (typically with "Hi").  A few minute's conversation, and he's on his way to your apartment.  Usually he's only a mile or two away, so time between logging on and the knock on your door: 30 minutes.

At least, that's optimal. More likely, the profiles are idiotic, the conversations are masterpieces of evasion, and when you cut through all the bs and get him to agree to show up, he notices someone mowing their lawn down the block and chickens out in a fit of "downlow" paranoia ("what if he recognizes me, and tells my wife?").

Here my top 10 questions to hookup app posters:

1. Why use a sunset, a mountain, fireworks, your pet dog. or anything other than your face and physique as a profile photo?  We want to see what you look like, not what a sunset looks like.

2. What's the point of the doggy ears and snout?  It blocks your face and looks gross.  Most guys on these apps are not into bestiality.

3. Why use a picture of you with your wife, girlfriend, or female bff?  To demonstrate that you're really heterosexual?  Believe me, that's not a point in your favor. 

4. Can't you think of any interests more specific than "I enjoy living life to its fullest" or "I like to have a good time"?

5. Where did you get the idea that saying "Hit me up.  I don't bite -- unless you ask nicely" is clever? Our reason for not approaching you has nothing to do with a fear of biting. 

6. Did you really think you would get a lot of responses by recounting detailed, specialized fetishes like "I want someone to tie me up with ladies' garters, put a bird cage on my head, and force me to sing the theme song to The Patty Duke Show.'"  Leave the fetishes to the fetish sites.

7. Do you think you will attract more guys with a long list of types that you find repulsive?  "No femmes, fats, queens, no one over 30, no one who belongs to a racial minority..."  Even the white Aryan gym rat twinks you are looking for will be turned off by your negativity.

8.  What makes you think that everyone is into anal?  People are into oral, anal, interfemoral, mutual masturbation, and who knows what else?

9. What makes you think that complaining about the men on this app will make you attractive to men on this app?  "You're all boring, superficial, shallow, sex-obsessed jerks.  Who wants to have sex with me?"

10.  Why bring up your (real or imagined) cock size?  No one cares.  An attractive face and physique can make up for the daintiest of members, and even a footlong cannot redeem a sleazoid.  Don't ask, don't tell. 

My Most Humiliating Hookup

Plains, July 2018

What's more humiliating in dating app hookups:

1. He sees your face pic and then instantly blocks you.

2. He shows up, but gets a deer-in-headlights look of horror in his face the moment you open the door, makes an excuse, and scrams.

3. He gets up halfway through the blow job and leaves.

I got #3 yesterday.

The guy's been bugging me on Grindr for awhile. His profile name is "Looking," with a picture of his chest.  His profile consists of two sentences: "I don't party.  Don't tap."

Tapping is a Grindr feature allowing you to indicate interest without saying anything.  Lots of guys hate it.  I can't see why.  What's wrong with a guy indicating that he finds you attractive?

Looking has a one-word come-on: "Looking?" at odd hours of the morning and evening.  I've gotten around six of them.

Finally I gave up and decided to give him an interview.

Looking: Looking?

Me:  Sure.  But I'm into oral, not anal (might as well get that out of the way first).

Looking:  That's fine.

Me: I'm into giving oral only, no recip.  (I had already had an orgasm earlier).

Looking: That's fine.  Got poppers?

Me:  No.

Looking:  That's fine.  Got a pic?

Me: Only if you have one.  A face pic, I mean.

[I sent him a face pic.  He sent me one with his chest and half of his face on display.

Looking: Ok.  Where.

[I gave him my address.  15 minutes passed. I assumed he decided it was too far, got freaked out by something, or otherwise changed his mind.

Looking:  Sit tight.  Be right there....Nearby, almost there....I'll be there soon.

A moment later, he was knocking on the door.  Tall guy, in his 30s, short black hair, black beard, maybe Middle Eastern ancestry, wearing a red athletic shirt and athletic shorts.  Dazed look, as if he was high.

Me: Would you like to sit down or lie down?

Looking:  I think I'll sit.

I brought him into the living room and asked him to drop his pants and sit down on the couch.  He pulled out a huge cock; very thin, rope-like, two handfuls, so about 10 inches soft.

"This is going to be trouble," I thought.  "Those things never get hard."

I started going down on him, managed to go up and down on the whole thing, kissed and licked his head, then moved down the shaft to his balls.  He began to get a little aroused, not much.

I tried masturbating him while working on his head.  A little aroused.

Looking:  It takes me a long time to come.

Me:  That's ok.  I don't mind.

I went down on him while squeezing his balls.

Kissed and licked his chest while masturbating him. 

Ran my tongue up and down his shaft.

I tried all of my tricks, but he never got all the way hard.

Looking:  It's not happening.

Me: Do you want me to go faster or slower? Use my hand?  Work on your balls?

Looking:  It's not happening.  Sorry, I gotta go.

He stood, pulled up his pants, and made his way to the door.

#1 is just a comment on your face.  The guy probably didn't realize that you were over 50, in spite of the age in your profile.

#2 could mean that the guy is a skittish down-low who didn't realize that you lived so close to his office, or saw a car drive by, or heard a noise in the yard.

But #3 is a comment on your sexual prowess, your ability to get the job done.

The 10 Dumbest Lines on Dating App Profiles

We've all seen them: a nice photo, reasonable stats, but an ignorant, insipid, vague, cliche-filled profile.  Either the guy is as dumb as a bag of bricks, or he figures no one will read the profile anyway.

Guess what?  People do.

Here are the dumbest lines I've seen on dating app profiles recently:











1. Love the outdoors.

Personally, I would be perfectly happy to live in an underground city and never see the sun, but if you like being out in all that infinite space, at least tell us what you like to do out there.  Surely you don't just stand there thinking "There's nothing solid between me and Alpha Centauri."  Do you enjoy swimming, tennis, hunting, jai alai?

2. Goodlooking guys to the head of the line.

That "head of the line" phrase is the utmost in pretension -- no way anybody is going to get so many hookup requests that they line up.  And "goodlooking" is in the eye of the beholder.

3. Anything you want to know, just ask!

Without more information, how can I know what to ask?  Do you like your eggs over easy or scrambled?  How many guys have you had in your bed at the same time? Do you enjoy British costume dramas?  Why are you carrying a Chinese pingpong paddle?

4. If I don't respond, it means I don't think we're compatible.  Don't get mad -- we all have a type. 

Too much information.  I know what a lack of response means, thanks.  Did someone, once, out of all the thousand guys he didn't respond to, take offense?

5. I like having a good time.

Oh, sorry, I hate having a good time.  We're not compatible.

More after the break

Finding Small Town Gay Men on Grindr

Middle America, September 2016

In the book Familiar Faces, Hidden Lives: The Story of Homosexual Men in America Today (1976), Howard Brown expresses horror over a gay friend's decision to move away from Baltimore to a small town: "How could a 35 year old, well-educated [gay man] put himself in such a position?  Didn't he know that he was choosing a life that would afford no chance of love?"

 In the 1980s and 1990s,  the moment you figured out that you were gay, you made plans to move to a big city. Small towns and even medium-sized cities were sites of lies, secrets, and silence, where gay people were assumed not to exist, and probably didn't.

There might be one or two gay people left in Crawfordsville, Indiana, or Danville, Illinois.  They were deeply closeted, living in constant fear, isolated, lonely, desperate.

Yesterday I was traveling with my brother and sister-in-law on I-74 through the desolate nowheres of Indiana and Illinois, past Crawfordsville and Danville, Veedersburg and Westville, Mahomet and Farmer City and Leroy.  I turned on Grindr, and watched the names and faces come and go, and listened the voices of gay men.  Were they still isolated, lonely, desperate?

Here are 14 of their profiles, edited slightly for narrative flow.  Decide for yourself.

[The photos are not from Grindr, which doesn't allow nudity]

1. Gaymer.  Weirdo book lover.  I don't drive.  Sometimes mean, sometimes boring, but if I'm on here, I'm horny, so send some dicks.

2. Mystic.  Running, animals, anime, gaming, having fun, stargazing. Passing time on Earth, making friends along the way.  I'm an old soul in a modern age, dreaming of things that might never be.  8 inches.  Hookups ok.

3. Tonka.  Like the toy trucks, I have big wheels.  Other things are big, too.  I try to laugh at whatever life brings: conversation, cuddling, dicks.  Can host.  Hablo Espanol.

4. Funfun.  Living life at level 10.  Hit me up for a night of Netflix and pizza. If you have holes in your ears big enough to see through, no thanks.  No one over 26.
















5. Another Reject.  Bottom if you want to know.  High school senior, as lonely as all of you here.  I'm awkward, so good luck.  No, the girl I'm with is not my girlfriend, and it's not my prom.  Looking for a boyfriend.  Let's get coffee and see where it goes.

6. Speed Racer.. I work for a company that sanctions races all over the country.  I also announce races all over the Midwest.  Masculine, laid back, looking for younger, well hung a plus.  Blonds go to the front of the line.

7. Potato Pancakes.  Virgin, never did this before.  I may not be gorgeous, but I'm still a catch.  I cook, sew, sing, garden, can my own spaghetti sauce.  Oral and anal bottom.

8. Jelly.  Age 21.  We all have the time. Reading, jazz, retro porn, Pokemon Go.  I am a summer looking for a winter.













9. Paratrooper Comedian.  Uptight high strung goofy 420 friendly with a glock.  My Mamma left me, my Daddy left me, I'm lazy and not goodlooking but I'm full of laughter and heart.  Baby, ring my bell.

10. Dick Wolf.  Sup, Boners?  I call my bedroom Margaritaville because I'm wasting away in it.  Come and see my band and punch me in the throat and make out with me on stage.  We can go on a cuddling date later.

11. Zoom Zoom. I'm me.  Sarcasm, art, music, motorcycles, cooking, sake with Red Bull.  Nothing upsets me.  Black Buddhist bottom.  The bigger you are, the better.  Want a blow job?

12. Open Minded.  Up for anything -- you tell me.  No bi, married, trans, closeted, femmes, fats, Blacks, piercings, druggies, losers, weirdos, gang bangers, unemployed, or old dudes.  Sorry, no offense, it's just not my thing.












13. Nerd.  Loves books,movies, video games, all physical activity.  Quirkily cute. Fuzzy bottom.  Cannibal chaser.   Poet and philosopher.  If you're closeted, I'm not interested.  Please don't contact me if you don't want to hang out and get to know me.

14. Enigma.  Adult male primate. Intellectual gym rat nudist with a screw loose and a campy sense of humor.  Also a cock as big as Mount Everest. Why can't orphans play baseball?  Because they have no home.  I have a home.  It could be yours, too, if you play your cards right.  

Gabe and I Have a Grindr Hookup Contest

Plains, December 2015

The other night I had a couple of free hours, so I went onto a dating app, and I got approached by a hustler!

"I specialize in making older guys feel good," he offered.  "I know it gets lonely when you're over 40, and everyone ignores you."

"Are you kidding?" I exclaimed, annoyed.  "I get approached by younger guys all the time, and I've never yet been turned down! I could hook up with a dozen twinks every night if I wanted to."

 The next day I was complaining about the hustler's chutzpah to my friend Gabe. a recent graduate of the University, now a barista at the gay-friendly coffee house.

"Weren't you exaggerating a bit?" he said.  "I mean, I think you're hot, but most guys my age aren't into anyone over 30, I don't care how much you can bench press."

He paused.  "Now, me, on the other hand, I can attract anyone, any age,  18 to 85.  I just have to bat my eyes and flash my come-hither smile."

I had to admit that Gabe was one of the cutest guys I ever saw: 24 years old, with a nice tight physique and a very thick Kielbasa beneath the belt.  But he was also rather feminine, long-haired, weird red-plastic glasses, with weird plastic bracelets, into poetry readings and art exhibitions and protesting meat processing plants..

"Sure, you can attract androgynous, artsy guys, but what about a man's man?  A guy who drinks beer and goes deer huntin', and wants you to help him skin his kill?"

Gabe, a staunch vegan, whitened.  "Well...I might not want to date him, but I could certainly get him into bed.  Any guy, twink, bear, chubby, Daddy, not a problem."

"Well, I might not want to date a Cute Young Thing who still lives with his parents and has a 10:00 curfew," I countered, "But I could get him into my bed in a second."

"How about we make a little bet?  We each select someone on the app, and the other has to convince him to meet in one hour or less. The loser has to buy the winner dinner."

"What if we both land our guys?"

"Then we have a four-way."

So Saturday night, prime dating and hookup time, we met at my apartment and went to work.

I got to choose someone for Gabe first:

Travis, a 38-year old truck driver from a small town about 50 miles away.  Tall, bearded, hairy, and hung.  His interests actually did include hunting and fishing, as well as football, motorcycles, and "big, chubby guys with some meat on their bones."

The thin, androgynous Gabe was the opposite of what he was looking for!

Gabe gave it his best shot, initiating the conversation with "Want to come over for a beer and a massage?"

I watched their polite, less-than-enthusiastic exchange.

Travis:  "Did you see the game tonight?"

Gabe: [Long pause].  "Uh, no.  I'm here with my friend.  We watched Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.  It's a great old movie about a group of drag queens who get stuck in the Australian outback...."

Travis: [Long pause].  "I'm going hunting next week.  I can't wait."

Gabe:  "[Long pause]. "What music do you like?  I like Owen Pallet, Jay Brannon, a lot of queer indie music."

Travis: [Long pause].  "Um...well, I listen to country-Western, mostly.  I'm going to the Fur Fleet in March.  It's the biggest gathering of bears, cubs, and chubs in the Upper Midwest."

Gabe: Sounds like fun.  I love bears and chubbies."

Travis: [Pointedly] "Me, too."

"That was a dirty trick!" Gabe exclaimed, shutting down the app. "You picked a guy with none of my interests, and I wasn't even his type!"

I shrugged. "All's fair in love and cruising."

"Ok, Mr. Man, now it's my turn."

He picked Bastian, a 18 year old high school senior who was planning to go to art school: long dirty-blond hair, a handsome although rather severe face, a slim physique with an impressive Bratwurst.  Lots of weird plastic bracelets and chains around his neck, two tattoos. Not really my type.

Besides, his profile said "No hookups -- dating and relationships only" and to make matters worse, "My age only."

I glared at Gabe, but said "No problem!  I'll have the hookup arranged in an hour! But leave the room -- I need privacy to work my magic!"

Gabe retreated to the study.  A half hour later, I announced, "Mission accomplished.  Dinner at Chandler's tomorrow night at 7."

How did I get the boy who wasn't into hookups or older guys?

1. Praise.

Boomer: "I just wanted to congratulate you for being out at a young age.  I know it's hard to be gay in the heterosexist high school culture."

Soon I was hearing horror stories about the constant "what girl do you like?" interrogations of his friends, teachers pairing boys and girls together for marriage assignments, parents evoking "when you have a wife and kids" every five minutes.


Boomer: "Have you dated anyone at your school?"

Bastian: "Please! They're too scared to be out."

2. Complaints about Hookups.

Boomer: "Well, there's always this dating app."

Bastian: Are you kidding?  It's full of creepy old guys who just want to get into my pants."

Boomer: "I know.  You can't get rid of them, it's always like 'Come over and do me! I'm more than just a penis!"




3. A Potential Boyfriend

 Boomer: "Hey, I know a guy you might like.  He's 24 years old, single, and completely out."

I told him about Gabe's interest in art, poetry, and queer Indie music, and sent his picture.

Bastian: "Sounds great!  Set us up!"

4. Sealing the Deal

Boomer:  Let me see if he's up for it.  [Pause for a few minutes.]  He says fine.  Dinner tomorrow night at Chandler's.  But the thing is, he's shy, and he won't meet with a new guy unless I'm there as moral support.  Do you mind if there are two of us?"

Bastian: "No problem.  See you both tomorrow.  Can't wait!"

There is more than one way to share a twink.

The story continues with The Hookup Contest, Part 2

See also: The Twink Who Wasn't Interested; Cruising My Host's Son at a Heterosexual Party

Hookup from Hell on the Plains

Plains, April 2017

I thought all the crazies were back in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas in 1984.

It was my fault: the guy had no profile picture on Grindr, the photo he sent me was a penis only, and his profile said "I'm Up for Anything," definite warning signs.

And I skimped on the interview: his name was Brett, he was 23, ok with no anal, and "you going to invite me over or what?"

But I was mad because a hookup failed to show up earlier after endless emails going back and forth, so I thought "Why not?  He's hung."

The Hookup from Hell

First Brett goes to the wrong building. Then when I direct him to the right building, he can't find the front entrance, and I have to go downstairs and fetch him.

He's slimmer, paler, and younger than the buffed guy in the photo, AND he won't shake hands.

He stares at the building.  "This place is pretty big.  Does anybody know you're...?"

"Some of them.  Why?"

"Don't talk to me or look at me.  Just walk to your apartment, and I'll follow."

A 23 year old in 2017, as skittish as a pre-Stonewall closet queen?  Weird!  But I'm in it this far....

Brett comes into my apartment and looks around.  "Are we alone?  Is anybody else here?"

"Um...no.  Why?"

Great, he's going to rob me!  But I'm three times his size!  

"Just making sure.  Got any wine?"

"No, I have Diet Coke, orange juice, and cranberry juice."

"No, thanks.  Let's just go in the bedroom."

I lead him into the bedroom and start kissing and fondling him.  He says "I'm really nervous" and breaks away.

Mr. "Up for Anything" is nervous?

"Ok, let's talk for awhile." .I sit him on the bed and put my arm around him.  "Where are you from?"

"[Small town nearby]. I'm only 15."

Whoa....

I remove my arm.  "Ok.  Let's go online and find you some gay youth groups."

"I'm not 15, I'm 23.  I just wanted to see how you would react."

 I'd better card this jerk.  "Can I see your id?"

He shows me.  Nineteen.  So he's lied twice...

"Have you ever been with a guy before?" he asks.

"Um...yeah."

"Who?  Show me their pictures."

I'm getting tired of this guy, but I take out my phone and show him some pictures.

"He's young.  You like young guys?"

"Um...yeah."

"You got a wife?"

"No...gay, remember?  I have a boyfriend."

"Does he care if you do things with other guys?"

"No.  We even do things together."

"Call him.  Invite him here."

He's really making me work for it!  "Sorry, my boyfriend is at work."

"Well, call another guy you been with, have him come over here for a three way."

"Why don't you call one of the guys you've been with?" I counter.

"You want to have a three way with my girlfriend?"  Brett asks, grinning.

Girlfriend?  "No!  Gay, remember?"  I put my arm around him again.  "What's wrong with just the two of us?"

"Nothing, I guess. So, you got $20 for gas?"

Great, now he's a hustler!  "Sorry, I never pay for hustlers."

"Hustler?" Brett repeats.  "What's that?"

"Paying for sex."

He brightens, as if the idea has just occurred to him.  "That's right.  You want some of my cock, you got to pay me $20."

"No, no, you can't say it like that.  It's illegal -- you could get arrested.  You have to phrase it like 'can you lend me some money?'"

"Ok...you want some of my cock, you got to lend me some money."  He begins fondling himself.

"You going to show me the merchandise first?"

Brett pulls it out.  Aroused, maybe five inches.

"I don't know, that's pretty small," I tell him.  "Hustlers should have big cocks."

"It gets bigger."

"Let me get my mouth on it, and we'll see."  I reach over to fondle it.  He puts it back in his pants.

Enough is enough.  "Ok, well, it's been nice chatting, but I have a lot to do today."

He laughs.  "You do not!  You're just mad 'cause I won't let you go down on me."

"Well, yeah.  I invited you here for sex, and instead I get a bunch of underage, bisexual three-way, and hustler nonsense,  It's been..interesting, but time for you to go."

He gets up and heads out into the hallway.  I follow, to make sure he doesn't steal anything on the way out.

"You don't have to escort me out."

I stand in the foyer, watching him.

Brett walks toward the door, then turns back, puts his arms around me, and kisses me.  A long, deep, passionate kiss.

I break away, and check to make sure my wallet is still there.

"Just a taste of what you're missing out on, Fool."

And he is gone.

See also: The Worst Date in Ohio History; Dates from Hell.; My Hookup with the Bodybuilder Goes Wrong.

A Craiglist Hookup on the Plains

Plains, December 2016 (Thankfully)

It's been a terrible semester, the worst I can remember, with bereavement, job problems, financial problems, a pulled muscle that has kept me from running, worries over our new fascist president, and almost no social life at all.  No M4M Parties, no Gay Men's Group. Most of my friends have vanished or gone incognito, and I haven't made any new ones. Just a couple of dates with undergrads that didn't go anywhere (see A Hookup with the Nephew of my First Time and The Boy at the Urinal with the Kovbasa++++).

Yesterday I turned in the final grades, and decided to celebrate by cruising.  But not on Grindr -- I have had enough of twinks calling me "Daddy."  I placed an ad on Craigslist.

Yep, the bottom of the barrel in cruising, where all sorts of crazies, sleazoids, and downlow guys hang out.

I submitted a chest pic and this ad.

Middle aged, athletic, work out daily, hairy chest, looking to host tonight at my apartment near downtown. Into kissing, cuddling, and oral, not into anal.  Any age/race, prefer bigger guys.  Send photo. 

Notice the not into anal?

Here are the responses, copied word for word, with their photos.

1. DJ (top photo).  

I might make it.  I am vers top, like rimming and sucking.

No way -- rimming is a complete turn-off!


2. Ted R.

You still looking?  8" here, bottom, really want a cock inside me tonight.

If you're a bottom, why are you telling me your cock size?  Besides, no way that's 8".  I give it a 5.

3. Pimpboy

Send me pics lol.

The name "Pimpboy" says it all.  I'm sure that photo is from the internet.

4. Jim

I saw your cl ad  and would be interested in joining you  I am a young 51 married discreet professional athletic masculine handsome 6'2" 200# 8.5 uc bottom and into hot sweaty man sex

What you need?  I am vers bottom.  You top or bottom?

On the downlow, and he said "bottom" three times in response to my "not into anal."  Not good at listening.

And look at the way he's sucking in that gut!  Didn't he notice that I like guys with guts?

5. Azi

Still looking ? 25 190 6.5 Asian here.  A threesome would be fun. Are you a top or a bottom?

I can come tonight we can have some beers what you say?  I'm horny as hell.

Way too over-eager, but he only mentioned "bottom" once.  I invited him over, but he never showed up.

6. Max

Saw your ad.  I'm 18, bi, never been with a guy before but want to try. I want a big one.  No car, so you have to pick me up.

No way I'm going to coddle some guy's first time.  Besides, he looks underage.  

7. Country Boy

Hi, I am 25, 5'7", 250, verst  ddf  not out  very discreet   like  oral  both ways rimming  and flip fucking.  Can't get pics on my email, wife checks.  Give me address and where to park.

That is not a 25 year old.  He's on the downlow, "discrete", and likes rimming.  No way.

8. Glen

Very hot hung musc ddf, not into fats or femmes, 420 friendly, bottom.

No 420 (marijuana), another bottom, but what the heck, whichever of the guys this is, he's got a physique.  So, after #5 chickened out, I invited him over.

He looked nothing like either of the two guys in the photo. He was not hot, hung, or musc.

But at least he was into oral.