Sunday morning, 8:00 sharp. There's a knock on the door. I peer through the peephole: it's my ex-boyfriend Jimmy the Boy Toy, and Kyle, the twink he dumped me for, plus at least three guys I don't know.
"We're surprising you with a West Hollywood party!" Jimmy announces. "This is Chester, Ravi, and Jeff." They pile into the apartment and start setting out bagels, cream cheese, fruit, and yogurt. "Got any plates?" someone yells.
"Party -- what?"
"Kyle and I know you're feeling depressed on the Plains, after going back to California last month, missing all those wild West Hollywood parties, so we thought we'd bring one to you."
"Um,,,those usually took place at night, and we had a little advance warning." I haven't showered or shaved yet, the bedroom is a mess, and you never have strangers in your house without locking up your valuables!
"Then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?"
"Well...where did you meet these guys?"
Chester is Kyle's ex-boyfriend; Ravi, a friend of Jimmy's visiting from California; and Jeff is a guy they hooked up with on Grindr last night.
"Ok, ok, let me just get dressed."
"That won't be necessary!" Jimmy said, reaching into my bathrobe to grope me. "First game -- Celebrity Dating!"
The Celebrity Dating Contest
"Wait -- West Hollywood parties usually begin with dinner."
He hands me a plate with a bagel smeared with way too much cream cheese and a small bunch of grapes. "Ok, everybody tells about a date or hookup with a celebrity. Then we have to decide if he is telling the truth or lying. The one who guesses right the most wins a prize, ten minutes in the bedroom with whoever he wants!"
Me; Nate Richert, star of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (true)
Jimmy: Dylan O'Neil, star of Teenage Werewolf (true)
Kyle: Nathan Kress of ICarly (made up)
Chester: Tom Cruise (made up)
Ravi: Matt Dallas, star of Kyle XY (true)
Jeff: Justin Bieber (made up)
I get Ravi's story wrong. Chester, the ex-boyfriend of Jimmy's new boyfriend, gets them all right, and chooses me as his prize. He's a brown-haired nerd with glasses, a weak chin, prominent ears, and a long, thin Mortadella. We kiss and fondle, and then he goes down on me for a few minutes. I push him down on the bed and start going down on him. Then the timer buzzes.
"You're just in time for the next game," Jimmy announces. "The Guess the Contest."
The Guess the Sausage Contest
"Ok, everybody go in the bathroom and snap a pic of your penis, flaccid. We have to guess which belongs to who. The one who guesses all five correctly gets to spend ten minutes alone in the bedroom with the guy of his choice."
It's harder than you might think to identify a penis not attached to a body, even if you've been with the guy before. Size, shape, color, cut-uncut status....
Kyle, Jimmy's new boyfriend, guesses them all accurately, and picks me. I'm beginning to think that these games are rigged -- but he's very sexy, short, brown-haired, slim and smooth, with soulful puppy-dog eyes and a rather small uncut penis. We go into the bedroom and kiss and fondle, and then I go down on him -- it takes him only a few minutes to finish with an enormous squirt. Then the timer goes off.
Kyle rushes into Jimmy's arms. "Looks like someone enjoyed his prize," he says. "Next -- the Date from Hell contest."
"Everybody has to tell about the worst possible date, where the guy was a complete and utter jerk -- nobody in this room, please -- and everything goes wrong. Then we vote on a scale of one to ten. The one with the most points gets to -- you know it -- go into the bedroom for ten minutes with the guy of his choice.
I won't go into detail about the Dates from Hell -- maybe I'll tell about them in other stories -- but Chester gets the most points. He selects Jeff: in his mid-30s, balding, with close-cropped rusty hair and a beard, a very hairy chest, and, I discover later, a thick beercan-sized Bratwurst.
While we're chatting and waiting for the timer to go off, Ravi pulls me into the kitchen. He's in his mid-20s, South Asian, dark skin, thick black hair, unshaven beard, hairy chest.
"I've been trying to win the prize, so I could pick you, but I'm no good at these games. Do you think we could hook up later, after the other guys leave?"
"Absolutely." We begin kissing and fondling. Then the timer goes off, and we all return to our seats.
"Next contest," Jimmy says, "No-Hands Arousal."
"Wait, I never heard of that one..."
"Everybody get naked and sit still. You can't touch yourself or anyone else. The first person who becomes fully aroused wins. He gets to ask anyone he wants to go down on him, either here or in the bedroom."
The other guys are barely tumescent before Ravi rises to full arousal, his penis pressing hard against his belly. "I choose Boomer," he says. "But in the bedroom."
"Ok," Jimmy says. "You have ten minutes."
I kneel in front of Ravi and go down on him. He is average sized, but very hard, an iron rod. I continue working on him until he finishes, then raise up and kiss him.
We're still kissing when the timer goes off. Back in the living room, the other guys are sitting naked. I take off my bathrobe.
"Ok, time for sharing," Jimmy says. "Three of us in the bedroom, and three in the study."
"No, the study's off limits," I say.
"Three of us right here in the living room. The only rule is, Kyle and I have to go together. Boomer, who do you want?"
Definitely Ravi, which means I can't go with Jimmy and Kyle. I've already been with Chester today, so "Jeff."
The three of us go into the bedroom. I go down on Jeff while he and Ravi kiss. Then he tops Ravi while Ravi goes down on me. When we finish, Ravi and I leave Jeff sleeping and return to the living room, where I go down on Jimmy -- that makes five! Chester goes in the bedroom to rouse Jeff.
"Thanks for the party," I tell Jimmy. "It was fun, even though it was nothing like a West Hollywood party. It was really more like a Sunday Morning Orgy."
When I open my wallet to pay, I discover that my credit cards and id are still there, but around $50 in cash is missing. Jeff must have nicked it when he was left in the room alone.
That's why you always hide your valuables with strangers in the house!
Oh, well. It's worth $50 to go down on five guys. Plus get bagels.
See also: How to Host a Real West Hollywood Party; My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy