Groom #1 or Groom #2: A Kelvin/Keefe/ ___ Story

 

 Keefe tried to gulp down the butterflies in his stomach.  It was now or never.  They were watching a true crime documentary on Netflix, just wearing pajama bottoms, cans of grape soda on the coffee table.  Kelvin's tongue was blue.  The least romantic moment imaginable, unless you counted the time he got food poisoning and was throwing up all night.  They weren't even cuddling.  But the lack of romance was the only thing that kept him from losing his nerve.

When the show ended, his boyfriend Kelvin, a youth minister at the famous megachurch run by his family, the world-famous Gemstones, turned off the tv.  He noticed Keefe watching him.    "Oh, sorry, did you want to watch something else?"

"No. Just leave it off.  I need to talk to you for a minute."

Kelvin turned to face him.  "What's up ?"

Keefe stared.  The words he wanted to say wouldn't come out.  Instead he found himself sayings something else. "You are so beautiful.  I've seen you every day for three years, but it never goes away.   I'll tell you a secret.  Remember how I used to get tongue-tied and say things that didn't make much sense?  People thought I was a little impaired because of the drugs, but actually I was trying to talk while looking at you.  Even now I sometimes forget what I want to say, because all I can think of is how incredibly beautiful you are, and how I want to be kissing you, and now I'm rambling and you think I'm a complete idiot."  

The full story is on Rigtheous Gemstones Beefcake and Bonding

Lane Brings Home a Sleazoid

West Hollywood, April 1990

Lane and I have been dating for almost a year.  Almost every night, he stays over in my house near Sunset and San Vicente, or I stay over in his apartment on Hacienda, about five blocks away.

But we still cruise.  On Friday and Saturday nights, if we don't have a dinner or party to go to, we go to Mugi or to the Faultline.

On Sunday afternoons we go to the beer/soda bust at the Faultline.

Of course, we never bring anyone home directly from the bar.  Only disgusting sleazoids stoop to hooking up, or what we call "tricking.  When we meet someone, we make a date with him for 3-4 days later, then go out to dinner or to a movie, and finally, bring him home to "share."

Tonight I have a sore shoulder, and I don't feel like cruising.  After dinner I tell Lane that I just want to stay in  and watch tv.

"Do you mind if I go out by myself?" Lane asks. "I'll come over afterwards to spend the night."

"Only if you bring me something," I say.  "Or somebody," I add as a joke.

He drives off at 9:30 pm, after the Golden Girls.   I watch tv, read a book.

11:00 pm.  We usually arrive at the bar by 10:00, and leave by 11:00.  Who can cruise longer than that?  Unless there's a special show or contest or something.

12:00 am.  Sometimes we stop at the French Quarter or the Hamburger Hamlet afterwards, but we're always home by midnight.  We're not night owls.

1:00 am.  We're absolutely always home by 1:00 am.  Did he forget about me, and go home to bed?

I walk the five blocks to Lane's apartment.  No light in the window.

I knock.  No answer.  I let myself in, and sit on the couch and turn on the tv.



1:36 am

I hear a car pull up, and go out to the balcony to look.  It's Lane!  With a rough-looking sleazoid!

He's tricking?  And without me?

Fuming, I wait for them to get up the stairs.  I pull the door open before Lane has a chance to put his key in the lock.

"Who's the sleazoid?" I snarl.

"Here you are!" Lane exclaims.  "We stopped by the house, but you weren't there.  You asked me to bring you something.  Well, here he is!"

"I'm your birthday present," the Sleazoid says with a laugh.  He hands me a paper bag. "Plus zucchini sticks and ranch dressing from the French Quarter."

"It's not my birthday."

"Ok, your St. Patrick's Day present. Erin go bragh!"

I look the Sleazoid over.  Tall, a bit chubby, a short beard, wearing leather chaps and a white t-shirt that reveals a hairy chest.  A tattoo of Hot Stuff the Little Devil on his skinny arm.

"Is this a trick?" I ask coolly.

"Oh, no.  We stopped at the French Quarter on the way home.  Dinner first makes this a date, right?."

"I'm Mal," the Sleazoid says, loping over to the couch and sitting with his legs spread.  Very nice basket, probably sock-augmented  "Short for Malachi.  I was raised ultra fundamentalist.  Then I was Episcopal, Wiccan, Shinto, Sufi, Baha'i, Zen Buddhist...."

"Let's put these zucchini sticks in a bowl," I say, grabbing Lane and dragging him into the kitchen.

"What gives?  You bring home a trick..."

"A date!" Lane corrects me.

"Technically, I guess.  But obviously not to share!"

"We went to your house to surprise you!" Lane exclaims.  "You can ask Derek if you don't believe me.  I thought you would like Mal.  He's into all those weird religions, like you are."

"Who cares about weird religions?  He's not at all my type, it's 1:36 am, and there's a half-drunk sleazoid with a tattoo of Hot Stuff the Little Devil on the couch!"

"That Sleazoid, as you call him, is about twice the size of Alan."

Huh?

Lane knows what I find attractive. #5, Gifted beneath the belt, trumps everything else.

We take the Sleazoid -- Mal -- into the bedroom and take turns going down on his Kielbasa (actually not quite as big as Alan, but still impressive).  Then Lane goes down on me while Mal and I kiss (he's surprisingly passionate).  Mal finishes by lying atop me and thrusting between my legs.

Very erotic, except for singing "Happy birthday to you" between thrusts.

By 1993, we were cruising separately on Fridays and Saturdays.

See also: Sharing the Eskimo; Victor and His Sleazoid Daddy

The Boy Who Cried "Fabulous"

Wilton Manors, April 2005

How is it possible to get into a relationship with someone that you don't even like?

I met Florian when the South Florida Gay Men's Chorus performed at our church.  He was a Cute Young Thing, a fencing champion back in high school, handsome, with a firm, hairy chest, a little too tall for my tastes. But his extremely upbeat personality won me over:

"Isn't a beautiful day?  Of course, every day in Florida is beautiful, isn't it? Gosh, it just doesn't get any better than this, does it?  Welcome to Paradise!"

Our First Date

Picking me up: "I didn't know if you gave me the right address or not.  If you didn't, that would have been ok.  I had a marvelous evening planned, either way.  What a fantastic house!  And the decor is fabulous!"

Dinner: "This is the best crab quesadilla I've ever had!  And, oh, gosh, this salad is marvelous!  And aren't the waiters gorgeous?  I've never had such a fabulous meal!"

The Filling Station: "Isn't that guy hot!  And him, too!  I've never seen so many gorgeous guys in one place before!  It's like a Mr. Universe contest!  I can see why you like coming here! It's the best!"

Back to my house: "This is the most wonderful evening I've ever had!  You are positively incredible!  I can't believe how lucky I am just to be sitting here beside you!"

The kiss: He leaned in for a kiss -- with a wide grin on his face.  You never smile when preparing to kiss! It looks idiotic.

The bedroom: nice physique, hair chest, thick Bratwurst beneath the belt, into kissing and receiving oral, but the "fabulousness" never stopped.  "Oh, this is fantastic!  The best ever!  I can' believe how hot you are!"  On and on and on.

The next morning, breakfast with Yuri and Barney: "This is the best coffee I've ever had!  And cinnamon buns!  Incredible!"

I walk him to the door: Gosh, your housemates are absolutely fabulous!  Barney is a cuddly old bear, and Yuri is just incredibly handsome!  I'm dying to ask you to share, but I guess it's a little too soon, isn't it?  I should be happy with the most gorgeous guy in the world!"

I slam the door and sigh loudly.  Florian was so goshdarn chipper, so in-your-face fantabulous, that I couldn't stand him!

But he was also very aggressive.  Before I knew it:

Our Second Date

The movie: "This is the funniest movie I've ever seen!  And the world's best popcorn!  I can't believe how good it is!"

The dinner:  "That shrimp tempura was marvelous, and this is absolutely the best red bean ice cream in the universe! And isn't that waiter gorgeous!  Do you know the Japanese word for super-stud?  I wouldn't mind eating cat food if he brought it out!"

Back to my house: "This is the most wonderful evening I've ever had! Gosh, everything was just fabulous!  I can't believe how lucky I am to be dating you!  You are absolutely the most gorgeous guy in the universe!"

One more superlative, and I'll pour my soda on your head!  But you'd probably think it was fabulous!


I could just refuse all future dates.  But I didn't have the will power, and he was very, very cute.  Besides, he hadn't actually done anything wrong -- he was just annoyingly chipper.

Maybe I could scare him off.  BDSM sometimes worked.

I suggest a BDSM Scene:  "I've never tried anything like that before, but it sounds perfectly marvelous!  Tie me up and use me, Daddy!  Or should I say Sir?  Gosh, it's just so exciting!"

The Scene: I gagged him, blindfolded him, attached clothespins to his nipples, and spanked him, while he kept up a nonstop dialogue through the gag.  "Th---uh----fab--lus."

The next morning:  "That was by far the most erotic evening of my life!  You were just fabulous! Seriously, I couldn't imagine a better scene!  But maybe we could get that super-stud Barney to join in next time! Two Sirs -- that would be incredibly amazing!"

Maybe some of life's sorrows would tone him down a bit.

Our Third Date

An auction at Out of the Closet. Discussion of George Bush:  "I'm sure that he'll be defeated in the election next month!  The straights are much less homophobic now than when I was a kid!"

Walk on the beach.  This is the spot where Yuri had rocks thrown at him from a carload of homophobes. "Well...um...isn't he lucky that nothing worse happened!  Um...he is by far the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen.  Gosh, he must get cruised a hundred times a day!"

Dinner at my house with Barney. When Barney's partner died, his family refused to come to the funeral:  "Well ...um......you know...he was lucky that...that he had a supportive partner...and...an alternate family...and....this is the best moussaka I've ever eaten!"

Movie: Philadelphia, with Tom Hanks as a lawyer with AIDS who loses his job.  Boxes of kleenix all around.  "This is...um...the most beautiful movie I've ever...um...seen.  Tom Hanks is a fabulous actor...and...um...more kleenix, please?"

Invitation to the bedroom:  "Sorry, I'm not really feeling well.  But it's been a fantastic day.  I've never had so much...um...fun in my life."

That was the end of my relationship with Florian. Instead of toning him down, I turned him off.

A couple of weeks later, I ran into him at the Filling Station with another guy: "Boomer, this is Philip!  Isn't he the most gorgeous guy you've ever seen?  And isn't this a fabulous place?  I had to bring him here for our second date -- I knew he would have positively the best night of his life!  Well, gosh, it's been great seeing you again!

Philip shot me a pained look as Florian led him away.

See also: 50 Ways of Saying "Fabulous"