Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Winner of the Biggest Penis Contest

Dayton, April 2008

When I was living in Dayton, I went to weekly M4M Parties hosted by a guy named Rode, held in the basement of his small, rather run-down house in the Oregon District near downtown. Around twenty guys, all sizes and shapes.
Activity consisted mostly of making out and oral, with occasionally anal (Rode had lots of picky rules about anal, so most guys just skipped it, or made dates for later).

One of my favorite regulars was Shawn, a recent graduate of the University who worked as a firefighter.  He was in his early 30s, taller than me, with a very handsome face, a smooth nicely musled physique, square hands, and a small uncut penis, about 3" soft.

He was primarily into kissing and going down on guys; he rarely let anyone touch him beneath the belt.

One day he did let me fondle him.  I was surprised to find that he didn't increase in size aroused.

Most penises grow from acorns into mighty oaks, nearly doubling in length (the average is 3.5" soft, 5.5" aroused). I expected Shawn to be at least 5" aroused.  But he grew to only about 3.5", just stiffening a bit.

"That's all that happens," Shawn said.  "Now you know why I don't let guys fondle me or go down on me very often.  They always get that look of disappointment.  I've even had guys change their minds at the end of the date, when we get into the bedroom."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.  "You're just the right size.  No worries about gagging or scraping it with your teeth."    I got on my knees and started working on him.  He threw his head back and moaned.

After that day, Shawn let me go down on him, but no one else.  He would go down on them, kiss them, fondle them, but his penis was off limits.

Even so, he was the most popular guy at the M4M Parties, always friendly and talkative.  He knew everyone's names, remembered autobiographical details, asked questions about their jobs and relationships.  And he always agreed to go down on anyone who asked, even the ugliest of trolls.

Besides, he often brought cookies or cupcakes to augment the off-brand potato chips and dollar-store Nutty Bars that Rode provided.

There were always special events going at the M4M Parties: Halloween and Christmas themes, Guess the Celebrity Butt, Bring a Straight Friend Night.  One day in April 2008 they had a Biggest and Smallest Penis Contest, with prizes of a giant Jeff Stryker dildo (biggest) and a plaster cast of Michelangelo's David (smallest).

"You should compete," I told Shawn.  "It will help you get over your penis insecurity."

"Or make me feel worse.  I've been self-conscious about my size ever since I came out.  Why would I want to win a contest that emphasizes it?"

"If you compete, I'll go down on you later."

He laughed and squeezed my shoulder.  "Big motivator.  You'd do that anyway."

"Half the guys here would do that, if you weren't so self conscious."

"Ok, ok, if it will get you to shut up and go back to making out."   He shrugged, excused himself, and went to sign up.

After about half an hour, Rode called for the guys competing for the Smallest Penis to come forward.  They stood in a line, and for two minutes anyone they wished could be a "fluffer," going down on them to make them stiff.  Or they could work on themselves.

Shawn didn't go up.

I nudged him.  "Chickened out, huh?  Well, I'll still go down on you."


 When Rode called time, the fluffers broke away, and most of the contestants stood at full attention.  One began to shrink immediately.  Rode pointed at each in turn with a "fairy wand."  We had to clap for the winner.

The winner was a guy in his thirties with black curly hair, a short beard, and a hard hairy chest, who had about 4" aroused.  He made the rounds, waving, smiling, getting his penis fondled by the other guests.

Next Rode called for the guys competing for the Biggest Penis.

Five guys came up.  Their soft sizes ranged from 5" to 7".

"Would you be my fluffer?"" Shawn asked, taking my hand and pulling me up toward the front of the room.

Shawn was competing for the Biggest Penis?

A murmur went around the room.  Why was Shawn competing with guys who were twice as big, maybe three times?  What was he trying to demonstrate?  What was he trying to prove?  Maybe he was a grower -- but who grew that much?

I went down on him and worked as quickly as I could.  Shawn became aroused, bu there wasn't much I could do about his 3.5".

Rode called time.  Some of the bigger guys began to shrink immediately.  One lost his arousal altogether.  But Shawn was sticking straight out in front of him.

Rode pointed at each of the contestants in turn with his fairy wand.  Shawn was at the end of the line, still stiff, an iron rod.

He got thunderous applause.

Maybe because he was stiffer than the big guys.  Maybe because everybody liked him.  Or maybe because he had chutzpah.  But Shawn's 3.5" made him the winner of the Biggest Penis contest.

See also: The Bottom Named Rode; The Smallest Guys on My Sausage List.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Three Unscreened Hookups on the Same Night

Plains, September 2016

You're probably wondering why I've been posting so many bereavement stories.  This was a bad summer for people I know getting sick and passing away.  Other guys eat when they're upset.  I hook up.

So earlier this week I got on Grindr, put up a photo of my chest, said "Free tonight," and specified in my profile "Kissing, cuddling, and oral essential."

I was not in the mood to screen them carefully -- I just wanted someone in my bed to kiss and cuddle with.  So I did minimal screening, not worrying about age or size, rejecting only the downlow, 420-friendly (marijuana smokers), and "top me, Daddy!"  After that, the first three guys who asked got an invitation, scheduled at 6:00, 7:00, and 8:00 pm.

6:00:. Jarhead, age 28., buffed, hairy chest, hung to his knees, totally into kissing, cuddling, and oral.  

Jarheads are Marines, right?

He wasn't a Marine, and he wasn't 28 -- more like 68-- a chubby, hairy Grandpa.

Nothing wrong with a Grandpa, but why would you knock 40 years off your profile?  What if the guy you meets is not into older?

Turns out when he said he was into kissing, he just meant kissing on the body, not kissing on the mouth.  What kind of grade school dissimulation is that?  I sent him on his way.

7:00: Mike, age 25, tall, black, muscular, 8", totally into kissing and cuddling and oral.  

Well, he was tall and black, and in his 20s.  But very husky, even fat, not muscular at all.  With a gross nose ring.

And not into kissing and cuddling.  He wanted a blow-and-go.

What the heck -- he had a nice sized penis, a very thick 6" (everybody adds an inch), and I hadn't been with a black guy for awhile.

So I went down on him while he was sitting on a chair in my living room.  He forcibly pushed my head down onto his penis to take his load, and then said "thanks" and left.

8:00: Romeo, age 28, hairy, bearded, Hispanic, 8", totally into kissing and oral.

Guys push their age up in online profiles, too -- Romeo was only about 21, with a tiny bit of chest hair and a sparse beard.  Average sized uncut penis.

Not into kissing, yet again!  He wanted me to top him.  I refused.  He asked to top me.  I refused.

"What about oral?"  I asked.

He wouldn't go down on me, but he grudgingly consented to let me go down on him.

And down.  And down.  And down.

My jaw got tired after about twenty minutes, and I asked him to finish himself.   After twenty more minutes, he conceded that it wasn't happening.  "I'm really just into anal," he admitted on his way out.

9:00: I showered, changed clothes, and went down the hall to knock on the door of my mentally disabled neighbor, Timmy, who I had a date with last month.

"Hi, Boomer!" he said.  "I'm watching tv."

"What program?"

"Austin and Ally.  It has singing."  A Disney channel teencom.

"Can I watch with you?  We can cuddle and kiss."

At least I knew that Timmy was into kissing.  And underwear stuff.

See: Don't Be Nervous: My Date with My Mentally Disabled Neighbor

Thursday, September 15, 2016

How We Invented Sex Parties

West Hollywood, November 1992

In West Hollywood in the 1980s and 1990s, hooking up was frowned upon.  You dated, shared your boyfriend with your friends, and played party games with a sexual component, but bringing home a stranger with no preliminaries -- deviant, dangerous, disgusting.

We knew about bathhouses and backrooms as relics of an earlier age of innocence, but there were none left in Los Angeles, and few of us went to them when traveling abroad.

And no one had ever heard of sex parties or bear parties, roomfuls of guys who get together explicitly for sexual activity with complete strangers.

The first one ever was Lane's idea.  But I helped.

Lane grew up in the Spanish Colonial house on Crescent Heights Boulevard that his parents bought when they got married.  It was no mansion, but it was huge by West Hollywood standards: an enormous living room, a family room, two dining rooms (one for everyday, one for special occasions), four bedrooms, two and a half baths, an enclosed porch, and a basement (rare in Los Angeles).  Plus a back yard with a huge hedge around it.

When his mother  died in November 1992, and Lane inherited the house, I expected him to immediately put it on the market, but instead he said "We should live there. The old-fashioned furniture will have to be replaced, and the kitchen needs remodeling, but it will be just like having a house in the suburbs."

I balked.  "Too stiff and formal.  And too much space for just two people.  It would hardly be cozy, would it?"

"It's walking distance to the French Quarter and the Metropolitan Community Church."

"But a mile from the Different Light. I just like our apartment better.  It's home."

But Lane prevailed, and we rented a U-Haul to bring over our bed, our tv, some paintings, six boxes of books, and some miscellaneous odds and ends.  There was something wrong with each of the bedrooms (where his parents slept, where his mother died, his old room, etc), so we moved the stuff out of the cavernous family room and moved our bed and an old dresser in.

And we set about trying to deal with the sound of silence.

We got no sleep the first night.

On the second night we invited someone in to "share."

On the third night we went out to the Faultline, even though it was a Tuesday.

But no matter how late we stayed out, no matter who shared our bed, we still couldn't sleep in that cavernous room, knowing that there were seven other equally cavernous rooms, an infinite space between us and the rest of the world.

"How did you handle all this space when you were growing up, with just you and your parents?"  I asked,

"It wasn't just three.  We had a housekeeper, my grandparents lived with us, my cousin spent summers, friends of my parents visited.  The house was usually full of people.."

"Then we should have a party," I told Lane.

"A housewarming party?"

"No, bigger than that. .  Twenty or thirty people to fill this place up.  I want them overflowing the living room,, spilling out into the enclosed porch and into the back yard. I want every one of these cavernous bedrooms full."

"Bedrooms occupied?" Lane repeated with a grin. "Sounds like you want some sharing to happen at this party."

"Definitely.  Sharing in the bedrooms, making out in the formal dining room, oral in the second dining room, anal in the parlor, bondage in the basement.  Guys showering together in the bathrooms, walking down the hall with their penises swinging in the wind.  Like a bathhouse without the Attitude."

"A bathhouse-themed party!" Lane said, his eyes glowing with party-planning fervor.  "We could pass out those scratchy white towels, label rooms 'steamroom' and 'darkroom' and such, play bathhouse games -- I don't know what,   we'll figure it out!"

A standard West Hollywood party has six to ten guys, are all friends or friends' dates.  But a bathhouse experience needs a lot more, and they have to be strangers.

We invited ten friends and asked them to bring a guest, and also passed out fliers to random guys who looked hot at the gym and the French Quarter. It had a photo of a shirtless model and this invitation:

Boomer and Lane's First Annual Bathhouse Party, Saturday night 8:00 pm!  Admission fee $2.00 to cover the snacks and sodas.  Men only, all ages (21+), shapes, and sizes welcome.  No drugs or alcohol, no hustlers, no Attitude, just hot guys in towels doing what guys in towels do.  

We locked up the valuables, bought 50 gym towels and a lot of condoms and lube packets, and installed a row of fake lockers.  Blaring disco music, flashing red and blue lights, and a mist machine added to the bathhouse effect.

Over 50 guys came, including about 30 that I had never seen naked before, and 20 that I didn't know at all.  Collegiate twinks, chubby bears, taciturn leathermen, swishy queens from the Rage, Hollywood semi-celebrities, all stripped down, wearing towels or nothing, socializing, playing party games -- and wandering down to the basement "maze" for sexual encounters.

I lost track of the number of guys I went down on, had go down on me, or kissed and groped -- there were some repeats.  But more than at a real bathhouse.

Around 10:00 pm, guys started getting dressed and going home or to the bars.  By 11:00 there was no one left but Randall, the Muscle Bear with the Pierced Penis, who we invited to spend the night.

"We should have these parties on a regular basis," Lane said.  "But a different theme every time.  Fire Island, maybe..Castro Street...a t-room..."

"Or no theme," Randall said.  "Why bother?  Guys don't want a lot of fancy props and complicated party games -- they come for the socializing and sex."

After more sleepless nights in the cavernous space, we called it quits, put the house on the market, and moved back into our cozy two-bedroom apartment.  So we had to go back to small, intimate dinner parties.

But one of our guests started hosting "bear parties," for husky, hairy men and their admirers, at his house in the Hollywood Hills.

And the tradition spread.  Within a year, nearly every guy with a house was inviting friends and strangers over for socializing and sex.  Some specialized in BDSM, oral, or anal.  Some specified that you had to be young, fit, or big beneath the belt.

And some said "all ages, sizes, and shapes welcome," just like Lane and I did in our invitation to the very first sex party.

See also: Helping Marshall Lose His Virginity


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