Friday, April 28, 2017

A Day of Beefcake, Bulges, and Sausage Sightings on the Plains

The Plains

Springtime on the Plains is a paradise of beefcake, brawn, cruising, and sausage sightings, but yesterday was especially busy.  Muscles and bulges everywhere I looked.

1. Student Union.  I arrive on campus and walk through the Student Union on the way to my office.  There are tables full of students in muscle shirts.  One is a bodybuilder, displaying a smooth, hard chest and thick biceps as he bends over a chemistry textbook.

2.  Intro Class. 100 students in stadium seats.  I wander among them as I lecture.  A bird's eye view of tight t-shirts and short pants.

3. Bathroom Break. I always stop at the bathroom between classes, both to go and to check my grooming. A young professor with an uncut Kielbasa+ is just finishing up.

4. Prospective Students on Tour.  A group of fifteen boys in muscle shirts, plus a few girls, being led across the quad.  They gaze, gawk, ask questions. A Hispanic guy with brown skin and long, thick muscles makes eye contact and smiles.

5. Lunch at Chipotle.  The guy making my chicken and black bean burrito has his shirt unbuttoned three buttons.  From my angle, I can look right down it to see the outline of his hard, slightly hairy chest.

6. Afternoon Seminar.  Seven women and three men.  The men sit together in the front row -- safety in numbers, I guess.  One always has his legs spread as far as they will go, like he's cruising in a bar.  I'm not allowed to ask out students in my class, but after final grades are posted...

7. Campus Bookstore.  An older guy, professor or nontraditional student, husky, Middle Eastern, is leafing through one of the bargain books.  Definite bulge.

8. Volleyball.  They're playing volleyball on the grass outside the Fine Arts Building.  Eight guys, all of them shirtless.  I can't stand it!

9. Gym.  It's warm enough to jog outside, but I run around the indoor track anyway, to get a view of the three (three!) shirts vs. skins basketball games being played on the floor below.

10. Locker Room.  The physics professor with the husky, hairy body, the six-pack abs, and the enormous Mortadella on his way to the shower as I come in.  He doesn't bother with a towel.

11. Student Union Snack Bar for my post-gym apple and power bar.  There's a cute, nerdish guy named Dustin at the cash register who always cruises me.  Today he makes sure that our hands "accidentally" touch as

12. Bathroom Again.  This time on the second floor of the Student Union, down the hall from the student organizations.  A row of urinals with no barriers between.  There's already someone standing at a urinal, talking on his cell phone and playing with himself.  Average size, semi-aroused.  He sees me come in, plays with himself for a few more strokes, then zips up.

13. Office Hours.  One of the other professors in my department is talking to a gigantic bodybuilder in a black muscle shirt.  "I'd like you to meet my husband," she says.

14. The Artist.  I walk through the Fine Arts Building on the way to the parking lot.  An art student passes me, carrying an abstract sculpture.  He's short, sandy-haired, smiling, wearing green shorts guessed it.  Yet another enormous bulge.

"Nice," I tell him.  "A real work of art."

15. The House Across the Street.  A few yards from where my car is parked: four guys sitting on the front steps.  One is playing a guitar.  They're all shirtless.

It's been like ten hours in a bath house.  And I still have dinner and trivia night at the gay-friendly coffee house to go.

Who needs West Hollywood?

See also: Searching for Beefcake on the Plains; Random Summer Beefcake on the Plains

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

December 1970: Looking for Uncle Edd's Gun

Year after year, summertime and Christmastime, we would visit my Grandpa Howard in the old farmhouse outside of Garrett, Indiana, and Uncle Edd was there.

He was tall and lanky, with a beard and piercing eyes.  He didn't participate much in the conversations about long ago-events in the hills of Kentucky and the exploits of husbands and wives.  He sat in  an old easy chair, smoking cigarettes, his face illuminated in firelight like an otherworldly creature.  After awhile, he grabbed his car keys and left without a word, driving out into the darkness of the Indiana countryside.

Was he a secret agent, off to fight evil Russian spies?  Or maybe he was a wizard, off to the cemetery to summon the spirits of the undead?

I thought he was the coolest guy in the world.

My Cousin Buster lived nearby, and saw him all the time, but he, too, thought of Uncle Edd as a mysterious, otherworldly character.  One of his favorite games was spying, hiding beneath Uncle Edd's bedroom window and trying to catch a glimpse of what he had in there.  Spy equipment?  Treasure? Magical implements?

But the curtain was always drawn.

Uncle Edd never played with us, and he didn't say much, but he wasn't indifferent.  He often brought out gifts of comic books and candy.  He sent me a Christmas present every year -- an unabridged dictionary, a world atlas.  It's just that he was the strong, silent type, not used to kids.

Later I discovered that he was a writer!  He didn't make a living off his writing, but he published some photo-journalism, and some Western stories, back when Western stories were popular.  After he died, my cousin sent me one: "My Sister Sue," about a female gunslinger who rescues the male narrator from the villain.

Coolest guy in the world!

I also discovered the reason he left during our visits to drive into the Indiana darkness.  He wasn't a spy or a necromancer after all.  He was going to work at the night shift at the foundry.  On the nights he wasn't working, he went to a tavern downtown.

Still cool.

After I "figured it" out in 1978, it occurred to me that Uncle Edd might be gay.  After all, he was over 40 years old, not married, and he had never been seen with a woman or mentioned a girlfriend.  My mother said that if he was a Catholic, he would have become a monk.

But before I could bring up the subject, my Grandpa Howard died, and three weeks later Uncle Edd shocked everyone by moving in with a widow with three teenage sons.  Apparently they had been dating for years without telling anyone, because they didn't want Grandpa Howard to feel guilty about Edd living there to take care of him.

Not gay.  Still pretty cool.

He died in 2010, leaving a library of over 3,000 books on every subject imaginable.  My nephew hauled three carloads back to his apartment.

I have a good story about Uncle Edd.

One day when we were nine or ten years old, Cousin Buster and I sneaked into the barn, planning to steal some eggs.  The outhouse gate was closed.  In the dim light, we could see Uncle Edd's pants drawn around his ankles inside.

"He's cleaning his gun in there," Cousin Buster whispered.  "An AK-47.  He shoots Russians with it.  Let's go up and look."  He pointed up to the loft.

"That doesn't sound like a good idea," I whispered.  "Uncle Edd'll get mad."

"He won't get mad --  I do it all the time. Besides, from up there you can see his peter."

I don't know why Cousin Buster thought that male nudity would seal the deal, but it did.  We climbed up to the loft, careful that the rickety wooden ladder didn't creak.

The outhouse was a little stall built where the loft met the barn wall.  It had no ceiling -- I could look right into it, down to where Uncle Edd was sitting on a bench with a little hole in it.  He wasn't cleaning his gun after all -- he was reading Photoplay magazine, with a Sears catalog next to him, to use as toilet paper.

The stench was overpowering.

But Cousin Buster was right -- I could see his peter, a gleam of white in the dim light.

I bent my head down to get a better look.

And lost my balance and tumbled down into the outhouse, crashing into the wall and onto Uncle Edd's lap.

Later, after three stitches in my head  a tetanus shot, and a lot of yelling from my parents, I was back at Aunt Nora's house, where we were staying.

"Whatever got into you?" she asked.  "Climbing onto an old outhouse like that!"

"I wanted to see Uncle Edd's gun," I said.

My older cousins started laughing.  It would be ten years before I understood the joke.

See also: Cousin Buster and I Get God Mad and Seeing Cousin Joe's Shame.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What Not to Say During Sex: 11 Words and Phrases That Kill the Mood

I've been engaging in regular sexual activity for a number of years, and I've heard everything imaginable before, after, and even during the act:  laughing, screaming, crying, yelling an ex-lover's name, Bible verses, dirty talk, French, German, Klingon.

I can ignore almost anything.

But some words and phrases are too grating and asinine to ignore.  They make me much less likely to invite you home in the first place, and they ruin the mood once we get there.  They're likely to elicit laughter or a groan of disapproval.  You'd be better off quoting Monty Python ("My nipples explode with delight), or just giving your vocal cords a rest.

Here are 11 sex words and phrases that will kill the mood:

1. Fit

Oh, aren't you fit!

 Physical fitness is a measure of your cardiovascular endurance,  muscle strength and endurance, flexibility, agility, and fat-to-muscle ratio, not your physical attractiveness.  Saying that someone is fit makes you sound like a leering, groping Creepy Old Guy.

2. Delicious/Mouth Watering.

 Your kisses are delicious!  Your cock is mouth-watering!

You use your mouth for both eating and sex, but otherwise the two activities are not at all related.  Sex has nothing to do with your taste buds; a hamburger can't be sexy, and a person cannot be delicious.

3. Breed.

I need a man to breed me.

Breed means encouraging animals to have sex so they will reproduce.  It's demeaning when you're talking about human beings, and completely inaccurate when you're talking about anal sex.  If you're an anal bottom, just say so.

4. Fuck

Oh, fuck me, fuck me.

The word fuck is used for many things besides sexual acts, mostly bad things.  It's vulgar, coarse, and low-class.  Besides, it's vague.  Exactly what act are you proposing?  Do you want to be an anal top, an oral bottom?  Do you want to do interfemoral?  Be specific!

5. Cock sucker/sucking cock

I want you to suck my cock!

Cock sucker
is a long-standing derogatory term for gay men.  It's demeaning to oral bottom, and completely inaccurate.  You only suck at the end of the act.  Say "go down on me" instead.

6. It feels good/great

The success of oral sex is dependent on how attractive you find your partner, how erotic you find the situation, how comfortable you are in the room, and a host of other conditions, some seemingly trivial (whether or not you are hungry).  "It feels good/great" reduces the act to a pure sensation.

7. Fag

There will be a fag at the party to service you.

Fag is another derogatory term for gay men, implying that that they are objects rather than people, far inferior to heterosexual men.  And why would you refer to just one of the gay men at a party as a fag?  They're all gay.

8. Dom/Sub

I'm a sub into getting whipped and spanked, looking for a dom.

Dom (dominant) and sub (submissive) are terms taken from heterosexual master-slave scenes, infused with the heteronormative depiction of sex as always involving a "boy" and a "girl."  It brands you as a newcomer to gay communities: we say top and bottom.

9.  Big cock

Suck that big cock!  Do you like that big cock?

I'm a big fan of extra-large equipment, but it's annoying to be asked "Do you like that big cock?" in the middle of a sexual encounter. Especially when they ask you over and over.

Um...of course I like that big cock.  Why else would I be here?

The irony is that guys who ask that are usually average-sized.

10. Yeah

Yeah, do that. Yeah...yeah.

In porn, it's guys watching the act who say "yeah...yeah" every thirty seconds.  In real life, it's the guy you're having sex with, whether or not you've asked him a question.

11. Cum

I'm gonna cum....

Why bother to announce it?  It's usually obvious, unless you're one of those guys who produces no semen, so nothing comes out.  And if you do want to announce it, why use that unelegant phrase?  Try:

Russian: Ya zankochen (I am finished).
German: Ich spritze (I squirt).
Spanish: Yo rocio (I splatter).
French: Je jouis (I am glad).

See also: 6000 Ways to Say Penis; What is the Difference Between a Pizza and a Penis?


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