Why Brother Hanson Got Divorced

Racine, Wisconsin, June 1968

I am in the second grade.  My parents are making a big fuss over the girl with the marvelous dollhouse:  "You have a girlfriend!"

When I protest that I like boys, they don't believe me: "Oh, one day you'll meet the right girl, and fall in love, and get married and have kids of your own!  You'll see!"

"The right girl" is my destiny?  But I want to marry a boy!

Like Brother Hanson, the Minister of Music at church.

I look forward eagerly to Sunday morning and evening and and Wednesday evening, when he climbs up onto the platform and begins the services with the magic words Isn't this a beautiful day in the Lord? Who would like to testify?

Then he leads us in three songs, leads the choir in their special number (only on Sunday morning), has the ushers pass around the offering plate, and tells us to Rise for prayer.  Only after all of that is the Preacher allowed to get up to scream about how much God hates us.

Brother Hanson is obviously more important than the Preacher, plus a lot nicer, and much cuter -- big and husky with wavy hair and blue eyes (this is not him). I think he's a teenager, but he's probably about 30.

I never see him with a woman.  Maybe he's found a way to get out of the "right girl" destiny, so we can get married!

"Does Brother Hanson have the 'right girl'?"  I ask.

My parents tell me that he has a wife, there in the front row -- they just don't spend much time together.  They come in different cars because he has to get to church so early, and of course she has to sit alone during the services

I expect Brother Hanson to continue leading the testimonies and songs forever.  But one Sunday in the spring of second grade, without warning, an old, ugly guy climbs up onto the stage  and says Isn't this a beautiful day that the Lord has given us?  Who wants to give a testimony?

Shocked, I look around for Brother Hanson: he is sitting by himself in a back pew.  His wife is not in the sanctuary at all.

How am I supposed to listen to the Preacher screaming for 45 minutes without seeing a cute guy first?  Besides, the old, ugly guy said it wrong -- the phrase is isn't this a beautiful day in the Lord!

Maybe Brother Hanson is sick, and will stand up again next week.

No.  Week after week, he stays in his back pew, while the old, ugly guy -- Brother Williams -- leads the testimonies and songs before the Preacher screams.

I begin to hate going to church.

Every summer the Nazarene Church has Vacation Bible School: a week of sermons, songs, Bible studies, and arts and crafts for kids from kindergarten to fifth grade.  Last year I made a "David and Goliath" out of construction paper, won a prize for memorizing Bible verses, and got cookies and Kool-Aid.

This year Brother Hanson is teaching the music class!  Rousing campfire songs with clapping, stomping, and hand gestures:

Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory! (clap, stomp), Children of the Lord.

Instead of a suit, he wears a short-sleeved shirt.  He's got muscles!

He also teaches the sports class: kickball on the grassy field outside the church.  I keep praying that he will take his shirt off, but he never does.

When my mother arrives to pick me up, I can hardly contain my excitement: "Brother Hanson was our teacher!" I exclaim.  "We learned a new song, and played kickball!  It was great!"

"I'm surprised they let him teach Vacation Bible School," Mom says.  "They won't let him be the Minister of Music anymore after his divorce."

Divorce?  I have never heard the word before.

"It's when a marriage ends, and the husband and wife don't live together anymore."

Wait -- marriages can be temporary?



 That's my loophole!

After I grow up, I'll "find the right girl," get married, and have kids, like my parents keep talking about. Then I can get a divorce.  and spend the rest of my life with men!

A few weeks later, we move away from Racine, so I never have the opportunity to see if Brother Hanson divorced so he could spend his life with men.  But ever after I think of divorce as a wonderful word.

See also: The Marvelous Dollhouse

Michael in the Boys' Room with Cole or Dylan Spouse

West Hollywood, August 2017

I'm back in West Hollywood for a week, visiting old friends and trying to make a few new ones.  Michael, who I met at Infinite Chazz's dinner last night, is taking me out to breakfast at Hugo's. where everybody goes for brunch now that the French Quarter is closed.

 Michael is in his twenties, medium height, with curly black hair, dark features, a smooth chest, and an uncut Kielbasa, mostly an oral bottom but open to suggestions.  He grew up in Boulder, Santa Cruz, and Northridge, graduated from Cal State Northridge with a degree in theater, and is now living in a small apartment off La Cienega and trying to get into independent filmmaking.

"That was a fun party last night," he says.  "I never thought of sex as a party favor before."

"I was mostly looking for new celebrity dating stories for my blog," I tell him.  "I've already depleted all of the stories I heard while I lived here, and besides, I'm tired of hearing about Scott Baio and John Travolta."

"Who?"

"Precisely."

"Well, I don't have a lot.  I wasn't very active before I went to college.  Some Grindr hookups, some fooling around in the boys' room, that sort of thing."

"Tell me about that fooling around in the boys' room."

"It wasn't with anybody famous, though -- oh, do you watch Riverdale on Netflix?  I hooked up with Jughead, Cole Sprouse.  Or maybe it was his twin brother.  I can't be sure.  I didn't get a name."

"Why didn't you mention this last night?" I ask, shocked.

"He was kind of a jerk.  Besides, I didn't think he was famous enough."

"Are you kidding?  A dating story about one of them would be epic!"  Dylan and Cole Sprouse starred in the Disney Channel teencoms The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (2005-2008) and The Suite Life on Deck (2008-2011).   Lots of younger guys had crushes on them as kids.

He shrugs.  "It wasn't any big dating thing.  More of a hookup.  Not even that.  He didn't even come."

"And you didn't know if it was Cole or Dylan?   Even without a name, I can tell them apart.  They have a different appearance."

"I had never seen them before.  I didn't watch tv much growing up."



Hollywood, July 2010

Michael's father was a dour Ukrainian professor of political science who didn't allow "the boob tube" in the house.  So Michael sneaked over to a friend's house to watch The Simpsons and Malcolm in the Middle, and found himself drawn to actors and acting (his father disapproved of "theater types," too).

In high school he joined orchestra, yearbook, French club, student council, anything to take his mind off acting -- and being gay.  The two were linked in his mind, both disreputable -- in Catholic schools they taught that gay people were evil, mentally ill, sinners, even in 2008.

He got a car for his 18th birthday, and he used it to drive his actor friend Paul to auditions.  So when Paul got a small part on an episode of the Disney Channel's Suite Life on Deck, he invited Michael to come to the table read:  "You'll meet the cast, make connections.  It will be great."

"Am I even allowed?" Michael asked.

"I'll tell them you're my chauffeur."

So they drove down to the studio on Las Palmas and parked in the employee lot, and Michael sat on a folding chair watching as the actors sat around a table reading their lines.  The Sprouse brothers were about Michael's age, with dirty blond hair and slight physiques that they made up for with a vibrant energy.  He didn't know which was which, but both of them kept making eye contact and smiling at him.

He hoped to talk to them during the first break, but they kept to themselves.

"Are Cole and Dylan gay?" he asked Paul.  "They're like staring at me."

Paul frowned -- Michael wasn't out to him, so he probably thought it was a homophobic complaint.  "I don't know -- I've only just met them today.  But I'm sure they don't mean anything by it.  They're just staying in character."

When the table read ended, Michael hoped to get an introduction, but again the Sprouse brothers kept to themselves.  Sighing, he headed to the bathroom, which was down a long corridor and to the right.  He was urinating when he heard the outer door open, then the inner door  -- it was one of the Sprouses!

Startled, Michael quickly zipped up.  "It's all yours."

"Hey, you're Paul's friend, right?" Cole or Dylan said, "I saw you looking at me..."

"I wasn't...."

"It's ok, dude.  I wanted to talk to you out there, but with everybody around it's hard to get away."  He put his hand on Michael's shoulder.  "But...you know, you're crazy hot, and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime."

"Hang out..."

"You know, man.  Do I have to spell it out for you?"  He glanced at the door to see if anyone was coming, then moved in for a kiss.

That was all the incentive Michael needed.  They kissed and groped, and somehow stumbled into the handicapped stall, where Cole or Dylan tore off Michael's shirt and kissed his chest.  They unzipped and worked their cocks together, and Michael fell to his knees and went down on Cole or Dylan -- about 7" cut, and thick around.  But then they heard the outer door open, and Cole or Dylan pulled Michael to his feet and quickly zipped up.  Still tenting, he ran out into the main room.

The inner door swung open.  "You fall in?"  It was the other Sprouse brother's voice.

"Can't a guy have a moment to jerk off in peace?"

"Not when we have to be in Westwood in twenty minutes.  Wait until tonight to play with yourself, like everybody else in the world."

The inner door swung open again.  Michael heard them leaving.

Michael waited by the phone for a week, expecting that Cole or Dylan would ask Paul for his number.  But nothing happened.  He was too embarrassed to ask to go to the other rehearsals or the taping, and too upset to watch the show.

West Hollywood, August 2017

"Not a jerk," I tell Michael.  "You shouldn't blame him for not following through with a date.  He sounds scared -- closeted, in the public eye, worried that someone will find out and it will hurt his career.  Or that his brother will freak out."

"Wait -- if being gay is genetic, they would both have to be gay, right?"

"Not necessarily.  They start off as the same zygote, but genetic changes happen in the womb.  You can have one twin with a food allergy that the other doesn't have, or musical talent -- or an attraction to men.  So maybe only one is gay.  But which one?"

He shrugs. "You tell me."

Assuming that Michael was telling the truth, not fabricating a hookup from a brief meeting, was he with Dylan or Cole that day?

Which Twin Was It?

After The Suite Life, Cole and Dylan both enrolled at NYU.  Dylan concentrated in archaology, and now runs a pagan brewery in Brooklyn (he belongs to Asatru, a Nordic neopagan religion).  An androgynous long haired blond.

Cole majored in video game design and photography, and has returned to acting with Riverdale.  Short black hair, more masculine appearance.

Cole hasn't been romantically linked to anyone.  On Twitter, he said in jest that he's only attracted to cookies, and he's petitioned for his Jughead character to be true to his comic book origins and come out as asexual.

Dylan posted a nude selfie to attract someone's attention, but I don't know if it was a boy or a girl.

See also: The Nude Selfie of Dylan Sprouse; Cole and Dylan after "The Suite Life"