Infinite Chazz Hooks Up with Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Washington, DC, April 15th, 1995

I'm in Washington DC, visiting my old friend Alan for the week before Easter and Passover. My partner Lane calls, like he does every day,  and Infinite Chazz gets on the phone.

"Hey, Dad!  You'll never believe this! Last night I was dumped!"

"That is hard to believe!"  I exclaim.  "You're never rejected.  You just walk up to the guy, flash your patented smile, and he's writing down his phone number!"

Infinite Chazz is 21 years old, a student at Cal State Fullerton, called "Infinite" not only because of his enormous Mortadella, but because he's infinitely attractive, sure to cause jaw-dropping stares in every man who comes within five feet of him.  He drives up every couple of weeks, to "share" and make the guys at the synagogue or MCC die of envy.

"Not this time.  And you'll never guess who dumped me."

"Jerry O'Connell?" I joke.  The star of Sliders was the prime time hunk du jour.

"Close.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar."

"What?  Are you sure?  Is this a fantasy?"

"I wish!  I'm still smarting from the rejection."

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (left) was the teen-dream star of Saved by the Bell (1988-1994), Zack Morris, the constantly-in-trouble operator of Bayside High.  Every gay boy in the country had his pin-up on his bedroom wall; most realized that they were gay watching the buddy-bonding romance between Zack and Mario Lopez's Slater (right)

"I'm not saying he's not hot," I tell Chazz, "Or that he's not a nice guy, but he's never had any gay rumors, that I know of.  He's a hetero horndog, dating every supermodel he sees."

 Indeed, his character Zack Morris screams heterosexual privilege, someone who absolutely assumes the universality of heterosexual desire, who is absolutely convinced that gay people do not exist.

"Well, last night, he made two exceptions.  Me, and the guy he dumped me for."

West Hollywood, April 14th

Chazz was in West Hollywood keeping Lane company.  On the Friday before Passover, Lane was tired, so Chazz went out by himself, promising to bring someone home to "share."

He went to the evening service at Beth Chaim Chadashim, the gay synagogue, and a meeting place for West Hollywood's gay Jewish community.  Although he wasn't Jewish, he had visited often enough that all the regulars knew him.

At the refreshment table after the service, he was drawn to a new guy, strikingly tall, with dirty blond hair, a rarity at the synagogue.  When he got closer, he saw that it was Mark-Paul Gosselaar, his teenage crush!

"Mr. Gosselaar, I love you...I mean, I love your work!"  Chazz gushed, shaking his hand. "I have the entire Saved by the Bell series on VHS."

Usually gushing at a celebrity turns him off, but MP smiled broadly, with that Zack Morris smile that brought teenage boys to their knees.  "Call me MP.  Yeah, Saved by the Bell was lots of fun, but I'm anxious to move on to adult roles.  I'm doing a Misery thing right now about a football jock kidnapped by an unpopular girl."

"Sounds great -- I can't wait to see it."  Chazz noticed that they were still shaking hands, and began to get aroused.  "So, I didn't know you were Jewish."  And gay.

"I have Jewish roots on my mother's side, so when I heard that there was a gay synagogue in town, I had to come and give it a look."

"What's your expert opinion?"

"I need to do more research," MP said, touching Chazz's chest.  "Really get to know gay Jewish boys, see what they're like inside, examine them up and...down."  He looked down at Chazz's crotch.

Chazz didn't need any more prompting.  He invited MP home to "share" with Lane, but MP wanted to see "gay nightlife."  So they went to the Rage, the twink dance club.

They danced, and kissed, and groped each other.  

"How big was he?" I ask.

"Average sized, maybe a little smaller.  I didn't care. I would have gone down on him right there at the Rage, if he suggested it."

"Did you see it?"

"No, but I saw the tenting, and felt it through his pants."

Then the Other Man showed up. 

They were all dancing in a mass, so Chazz didn't even notice when MP moved to the side and faced the Other Man -- Asian, tall, slim, black-haired, with very tight jeans and some socks shoved in to give him a bulge.    

Then they were blatantly facing each other.  Grinning.  Eyes smoldering.

MP was cruising another guy, while on a date with him!  Unheard of in the gay community!

Thinking fast, Chazz said "I'm tired -- let's go get a drink," and walked off the dance floor.  MP didn't follow.

He went to the bar, got a bottle of beer, and brought it to MP -- who said "thanks" without ever taking his eyes off the Other Man.

Chazz grabbed his shoulder.  "I'm ready to go home."

"Ok," MP said.  "It was nice meeting you."

"I mean with you..." Chazz said desperately.  "Or both of you, together.  I have a place..." 

"I don't know...I'm sort of shy." MP reached out to grab the Other Man and kiss him passionately.

Chazz was furious.  He was never rejected, and certainly not in the middle of the date!  He looked around for another guy to make MP jealous, and stuck up a conversation with a cute black twink.  But when he looked around, MP was gone.

Seething with rage, aching with rejection, Chazz drove home, and cried in Lane's arms.

Was Chazz Telling the Truth?

In April 1995, Mark-Paul Gosselaar was 21 years old, and working on Twisted Love, a Misery rip-off set in a high school. He does have Jewish roots, but his hair is black, not dirty-blond -- it was dyed for Saved by the Bell. 

Penis size: About halfway through Dead Man on Campus, his character is making out with a girl in bed, and he gets aroused in real life.  You have to zoom in to see it; at least a Bratwurst, somewhat bigger than what Chazz described.

But I haven't heard any gay rumors about him.  I suspect that Chazz took an "innocent" meeting and added some details about kissing and groping.

But why make it into a story of a painful rejection?  

See also: A Live Sex Show for Alan; Saved by the Bell; Why Christopher Atkins is My Facebook Friend.

Drake on a Date with Ricky Nelson and Bob Ellis

Hollywood, May 1956

One day in the spring of 1956, Harriet Nelson (who played "herself" on the long-runnng Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet) invited her friend MJ (Mary Jane Croft)  over for coffee, and to talk about a problem.  Her son Ricky, a sophomore at Hollywood High, was soft and sweet and feminine, not outgoing and athletic like his older brother David.  Ozzie  pushed him into playing football, but he hated it.  He preferred tennis, if he was going to play a sport at all.  And music -- he was "musical."

MJ smiled.  "When I was a little girl, musical was what they called...wait...you don't mean Ricky is that way...doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

"Ricky and Claire are just friends. They go shopping and talk about clothes.   I've never seen them kiss, or even hold hands.  And Ricky positively idolizes men.  It's even appeared in the show."  Lately head writers Dick Bensfield and  Perry Grant had been introducing some "Ricky doesn't like girls" plotlines into the scripts.  Harriet didn't know why.  To signal that they knew...to issue a warning.  She sighed.  Studio politics!

"So what if he's...um...musical?" MJ asked.  "You're still his mother, aren't you?"

"Of course!  I have nothing against people like that, I've worked with them since I was a little girl.  And some of my closest friends...." Harriet trailed off: the aggressive, mannish MJ, who played Lucille Ball's perpetual foil/best friend, was almost certainly of the Sapphic persuasion, but she hadn't yet admitted it to anyone.   "But society can be so cruel..."

"Especially the Hollywood gossip mill."

"..and I don't want Ricky being hurt.  Mixed up with the wrong crowd, men who will blackmail him or abuse him.  I think he needs a friend more than anything, to show that he's not alone.  Do you know anyone who...."

"Are you trying to set Ricky up on a date?"  MJ asked, a delighted gleam in her eyes.  "Oh, it will be so sophisticated, like a Cole Porter song, like 'Begin the Beguine.'  I know tons and tons of eligible men who are 'not the marrying kind.' They're mostly older, though. Cesar Romero, John Wayne, Joe Kearns....oh!  Tony Curtis!"

"Tony Curtis?" Harriet repeated.  "I never met him, but I hear that he's the utter living end, as the kids say.  Why, Drake, the boy who rode to school with David and Ricky, used to talk about him all the time.  He was positively in love with him before they had a falling out of some sort...."

She trailed off again.  They looked at each other, understanding...

"Is this Drake boy handsome?"  MJ asked.

When Harriet Nelson called 18-year old Drake, she was so subtle that he had no idea that the evening with Ricky was supposed to be a date.  More like babysitting.  The kid was two years younger than him, scrawny and kind of obnoxious.  But his father insisted -- Ozzie and Harriet was one of the hottest properties in Hollywood, and it wouldn't hurt him to get tight with a big teen star.

Was Ricky even a teenager yet?

If he was going to be stuck in dullsville for an evening, he wouldn't do it alone -- he invited his boyfriend, Bob Ellis,  a 23 year old actor who had starred on Meet Corliss Archer as a "best friend."  Bob was great -- he had a car and his own pad.  Plus a thick beefy chest, nice biceps, and a cock that wouldn't quit.  Not just big, although it was about 7" -- Bob could take three blow jobs, one after the other, and still spring up, ready for more.

The plan was to go to dinner and then bop at the Zanzibar.  Ricky brought Claire along, and Drake and Bob would go "stag."

Everything went fine for awhile. Ricky was becoming rather cute, and he was very knowledgeable about modern music.  Drake could almost see dating him.

Then Bob and Ricky started doing that look that Drake knew well.  Could he be that way?  And hot for his guy?

It got worse:

"Dad said I could sing on the show," Ricky bragged, "Or maybe play the drums, like Krupa."

"You'll never be as hot as Krupa!" Bob said with a sleazy leer.

"Maybe, but which one do you have a chance with?"

"Oh, be yourself!" Claire said, hitting him playfully with her purse.

At the Zanzibar, Drake asked Claire to dance -- good for keeping his pecularity a secret, but a bad strategic move.  When they returned to the table, Ricky and Bob were gone.

"Looks like our fellas have ditched us," Claire said.  "They must out spooning somewhere."

"You mean it's cool with you that Ricky...does that?"

She shrugged.  "I knew about his taste in fellows since we started dating. It doesn't hurt anybody, and I'd rather have him sometimes than not at all."

Doesn't hurt anybody?  Drake was roiling with jealousy.  He went into the bathroom, hoping to catch Bob and the scrawny kid in the act.  Not there.  Then into the parking lot, to Bob's car....

Bob and Ricky were sitting side by side in the back seat.  Ricky had his cock out, and was playing with himself while he went down on Bob!  Drake saw a flash of Bob's shaft, and quite a lot of Ricky's cock -- rather small, cut, and pale in the light of distant street lamps.

Drake rapped loudly on the window.  Ricky sprang up in alarm and covered himself,  then saw Drake and smiled.  He rolled the window down part way.

"Just warming him up for you," he smirked.

Drake never went out with Bob -- or the little weasel -- again.

West Hollywood, August 2017

I heard this story a couple of weeks ago from Drake's ex-boyfriend Zack (I made up the conversation with Harriet).

Why did Drake never talk about it when I knew him in San Francisco in the 1990s?   I think because it puts everyone, and especially Drake, in a rather bad light.  Drake had no cause to expect monogamy from Bob when multiple partners seem to have been the norm in 1950s Hollywood.  He overreacted to the situation and lost a boyfriend and a potential friend.

And there's another problem: Drake going down on Tony Curtis is a sallow 16-year old with no experience in the gay community; Drake going on a date with Ricky Nelson is an experienced 18-year old with a boyfriend.  Six months apart at most. Can they both be true?

See also: Drake on his Knees in Tony Curtis' Dressing Room; Billy Finds a Special Friend on The Twilight Zone; Ricky Nelson Hooks Up with Kent McCord.

The Homophobic Student in the Shower

Boston, March 1999

At Setauket University in New York, the first-year grad students were a "cohort" who shared an office and took classes together. One was a lesbian, and most of others were nonchalant about the presence of gay people in their midst.

But not Jason: 22 years old, short, solid, with short blond hair, a fiery intensity, and a cute Upstate accent.

He was what we call a "true believer": preaching, with the zeal of a religious fundamentalist, that sociology alone could unlock the secrets of the universe.  All other religions, philosophies, and academic disciplines were a waste of time.

Once he was working on an essay, and he wanted to use the famous quote "If I have seen far, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants."  He asked around the office to find out who said it.  Obviously a sociologist, but which one?  Durkheim?  Weber?  Pareto? Mead?

It was Sir Isaac Newton -- a mathematician.

He decided against the quote -- if a sociologist didn't say it, it wasn't worth listening to!

When I brought Yuri as my date to the department Christmas party, Jason finally figured out that he was sharing his office with a gay person.  He turned as white-faced and trembling as any redneck Bible-thumper.  But in liberal late-1990s Long Island, you weren't supposed to be homophobic, so he stayed in the closet.  It came out in subtle ways:

1. If I was in the office alone, he waited in the hallway until someone else showed up.

2. When we were going on a car trip, he wouldn't sit next to me in the back seat.

3. Once I accidentally went into the restroom while Jason was at a urinal.  He whitened, zipped up immediately, and rushed out.

4. We were all talking about our dream classes (to teach).  Mine was Gay Studies 101.  Jason said, "Get real!  No student would ever enroll in a class like that!"
"Gay students would."
"Yeah, but there's like -- what, six gay students on campus."
Long Island had 24,000 students.  More like 2,400.

5. We were all talking about our first sexual experience, and I said "Ok, my turn."
Jason asked: "Was it with a man or a woman?"
"A man, of course!"
He turned his head away. "Please don't!"

Two member of my cohort noticed Jason's homophobic discomfort, and helped me play it up.

1. "So, which of us has had bisexual experiences? Boomer, did you ever kiss a girl?  Jason, did you ever kiss a guy?"

2.  "It's the last day of the semester -- hugs all around.  Boomer and Jason, you want to be alone together?"

3. "Jason, what do you think of Casper Van Dien from Starship Troopers?  He's so hot, I'll bet you'd switch teams for him!"




In March 1999, several members of my cohort presented papers at the annual conference of the Eastern Sociological Society in Boston.  I stayed at the gay Chandler Inn, but four guys shared a room at the Hilton, where the conference was held.

Mike, who was gay-friendly, shared a bed with Jason.  He helped me design the mother of all pranks.

Our prank:

Jason liked to sleep in, past when the other guys left for breakfast, then take a long shower (we speculated that he was doing more than showering in there).

What if he came out of the shower and caught me and Mike "in the act"?  He would conclude that Mike was gay, that he had been sleeping next to a gay person!"

On the third day of the conference, Mike pretended to be "still asleep" when Jason started his shower.  I knocked softly, and he let me in.  I stripped to my underwear, and we climbed into bed and put our arms around each other, poised as if we had been kissing.

And waited.

And waited and waited.  It was a long shower.

Finally the door opened, and Jason came out, combing his hair.

No towel, no bathrobe.  Completely naked.

This was better than I had hoped for!  I had a great view of his solid chest and shoulders, still damp from the shower, his abs, his legs -- and his Kielbasa.  Low hanging, ruddy, enormous.

He stopped and stared at us, agape.

"Oh, hi!" Mike said.  "I invited Boomer over for a little morning session.  I hope you don't mind."

"There's room for one more," I added.

That might have been going a little too far.  Jason ran back into the bathroom and slammed the door, and wouldn't come out until we admitted that it was a prank, that we weren't really doing anything, that Mike was really straight.

He still refused to sleep in the same bed with Mike.

Oh, well.  At least I got a memorable Sausage Sighting.

See also: My Top 15 Sausage Sightings; The Truth about the Formosan Penis; The Ex-Wrestler.