Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Great Hookup Contest of Philadelphia: 15 Guys in 24 Hours

Philadelphia, March 2013

David from San Francisco has just arrived for a week-long visit.  I pick him up at the airport, drop his stuff off at my apartment, and take him to dinner at a tapas place nearby.  I'm complaining about how much I hate it here: my tiny apartment, the long commute to my terrible job, the lack of gay organizations...

And especially the endless parade of twinks desperate to come to my room for NSA sex before they go on to their real lives with their real friends.

"Nonsense!" David exclaims.  "This is a bona fide gay neighborhood, lots of guys to date.  You're just going about it wrong.  Let an old pro demonstrate."

"I've been out longer than you have."

"True, but I've had more experience.  Watch me do my magic in the City of Brotherly Love -- I'll bet you I can get dates with 10 -- no, 15 guys in one day."

"15 guys in one day!" I exclaim.  "No way!"

"If I get all 15," David says, "You have to pay for my trip out here.  If I don't, I'll pay for a flight out to San Francisco to visit me next summer."

I accept the bet, with these rules:
1. "Getting a date" will be defined as: convincing a guy to give you his telephone number.
2. The phone number must be real and working.  On a follow-up call, the guy must answer.
3. You don't have to actually go through with the date or hookup.
4. You must acquire all phone numbers during the next 24 hours, between 8:00 pm Wednesday and 8:00 pm Thursday.

David puts a 24-hour timer on his cell phone.  "Well, we better get started."


Wednesday 8:00 pm.  The Bike Stop.

A leather bar in Washington Square West with four levels, two discos, a leather shop, and an unofficial dark room.  Unfortunately, it's way early, and many people are still hungover from St. Patrick's Day on Monday.

Still, David manages to meet an older leatherman and an otter (a tall, thin hairy guy, as opposed to the usual husky bear).

Next I suggest Club Philly, a bath house, but David is too tired.  We go home to bed.

Dates: 2

Thursday 7:00 am.  The Morning Glory Diner

A mostly-gay breakfast place on 10th.  Female server, but two guys at the next table are visiting from Texas, and invite us to get together later.  David gets the phone numbers of both.

Dates: 4.

8:00 am.  The Twelfth Street Gym.

A mostly-gay gym near my horrible apartment.  We work out, and David cruises.  He gets the phone number of a cute Asian guy who always spends his time on the treadmill.

Dates: 5.

Eleven hours left.  David really might do this.  What non-gay venue should I take him to?

10:00 am.  Independence Hall

The most touristy site in Philadelphia, where thousands of camera-toting nuclear families from Kansas gawk at the Declaration of Independence and the Liberty Bell.  One can imagine few more heteronormative places, yet David managed to get cruised by one of the gift shop guys, a 21-year old Temple University undergrad.

Dates: 6.

12:00 pm. El Azteca

Lunch at a Mexican restaurant on Chestnut Street.  David doesn't pick up anyone.

These non-gay venues did the trick!  David will never get an additional 9 guys!  But to seal the deal, let's try somewhere even more heteronormative:

1:00 pm Museum of American Jewish History

Near Independence Hall.  Exhibits on Jewish immigration and culture, and the Jewish contribution to the arts, science, entertainment, and sports.

No way will David pick up anyone here!

But he does. a cute Jewish twink from Toledo, in town on business.

Dates: 7.

"Next, let's go to a bathhouse," David suggests.

"Oh, it will be dead on Thursday afternoon," I protest.  "Let's go tonight."

"After my 8:00 pm deadline?"  He smiles.  "You wouldn't be trying to sabotage me, would you?"

3:00 pm.  Club Philly

A bathhouse with a full gym, saunas, steam rooms, a deck, a video room, and some glory holes.  It's relatively crowded with businessmen looking for a quick hookup, retirees who spend hours in the saunas, and working-class downlow guys.

David gets four phone numbers.

I shouldn't kick.  I got to go down on three guys, including a buffed, smooth-chested French Canadian.

Dates: 11.

"As a former Baptist minister, you'll certainly be interested in the First Baptist Church of Philadelphia," I tell David.  "It was founded in 1698, it's racially integrated and gay-friendly."

"Sure.  We can go to a service there on Sunday.  But for now, let's just walk around the gay neighborhood, maybe stop in at Giovanni's Room."

5:00 [m. Giovanni's Room

One of the oldest gay bookstores in the world, with a full range of books, plus poetry readings and community events.  David chats up the co-owner and gets his phone number.

Dates: 12.

Two hours and three numbers to go!  

"So, want to try out one of those numbers, invite the guy out to dinner?" I ask.

David grins.  "Not just yet.  Is there a bar around here with a happy hour?"

"Um...no.  No place comes to mind."

6:00 pm. Woody's

A popular gay bar on 13th, with a happy hour from 4 pm to 6 pm.  We get there just after it ends, but order appetizers anyway, and get cruised by a young bearded guy named Jack.

He and David spend a long time kissing and fondling.  It's nearly 7:00 pm by the time they get around to exchanging phone numbers.

Great, an hour left, and two numbers to go!  He'll never make it! 

"Could I get your work number, too?" David asks.  "In case Boomer and I want to take you to lunch."

 Dates: 14

Grr!

7:00 pm: Dragon Palace

David wants to go to another gay bar, but I claim to be famished and drag him to the Dragon Palace, a Chinatown restaurant that specializes in Cantonese dishes.  It's packed with families with screaming kids and heterosexual couples on dates, mostly Asian, hardly any place to move, let alone cruise.

Besides, I didn't see any obviously gay people around to cruise.

Our order takes forever to arrive.  Before we know it, it's 7:50 pm.

"Victory!" I exclaim. "No way you're going to set up a date in 10 minutes.  I don't even think there are any gay people here!"

David grins at me.  "Oh, ye of little faith."

At that moment, the waiter appears with the bill.

David says "I'll take care of it," reaches over, and knocks his water glass all over the waiter's belly and crotch.

He apologizes profusely, tries to sop up the water, and insists on paying to dry clean the waiter's pants.

We leave the restaurant with his phone number in David's front pocket.

Dates: 15.

"You never said that the guy has to expect a date," he says with a grin.

His cell phone alarm goes off.  8:00 pm.

Results:

We hooked up with the otter from the Bike Stop and the Asian guy from the gym, had lunch with the co-owner of Giovanni's Room, and went sightseeing with the two guys from the Morning Glory Cafe.

David met with Jack from Woody's by himself.

I went out with the Temple University undergrad after he went home.

One of the phone numbers David got at Club Philly turned out to be wrong, so it didn't count, and he had to pay for me to fly out to San Francisco for a visit.

But 14 guys in 24 hours still has to be a record.

See also: The Great Hookup Contest of 2007; David Meets His Goal of 5000 Hookups

"I'm a Try Something, A'ight?": Picked Up by the Boy and His Dog

Upstate, June 2009

In Upstate New York, I used to run 4 miles from home to Wilbur Park, then down East Street to Maple, and home again.

One afternoon I was about halfway through the run, when I saw a young kid, a teenager at most, walking a pit bull nearly as big as he was.

I don't like running past dogs -- they sometimes get spooked and start barking.  But the kid was black, and I was afraid to cross the street for fear of being tagged racist.  So I persevered.

I heard growling, then "Janell, heel!  Stop that!"  Then the dog lunged forward and bit me on the butt.

"Janell, Janell, stop that!" the boy yelled, jerking the leash.

Grudgingly, growling, Janell the Pit Bull sat.

"Your monster dog just bit me!" I exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, Mister. Janell's really a sweetheart. She just thought your behind was candy, and she want a taste."  He grinned at me with that unmistakable appreciation that sets off your gaydar.  I was in no mood for cruising, but I did notice that he was a twink, not a kid -- short, light skinned, solidly built, with dark brown eyes, a broad nose, and sensual lips.

  "You can pet her if you want.  My name's Malik."

I leaned down to pet Janell.  She growled softly.  "I'm Boomer.  And sweetheart or not, my butt hurts."

"Let me take a look, Boomer."  I pulled my pants down a little.  I felt his hand on me, probing.  "Ok, I see the bite marks, and a little tiny bit of blood.  Don't look like a big deal."

"Does Janell have her shots?'

"Oh, sure, she's all set."

My butt was throbbing.  "Well, I'm going to Urgent Care anyway. "

"Ok.  I'll drive you, a'ight?  I just gotta drop Janell off at the house."

We hobbled down the street.  Janell was still growling softly.

"I'm a try something, a'ight?  If I put my arm around you, maybe she'll think we friends."

"Ok...but what will the neighbors think?"

"Ain't none of their business, is it?" he said with a grin.  He wrapped a hard, muscular arm around my waist, and the growling stopped.

Ok, so Malik was gay.  And cruising me.

He lived about a block away, in an older house, painted light blue, encircled by a chain link fence, naturally.  He opened the front door and let Janell bounce inside.  An older woman in a pink nightgown was sitting on the couch, reading a book.

"Hey, Mama, look what Janell caught!" Malik joked. "Can we keep him?"  He seemed in very good spirits, for someone whose dog had just been involved in an attack.

"Your son's dog got a little rambunctious," I said.  His good humor was infectious. "No big deal, but I'm going to Urgent Care, just in case."

"I'm a borrow your car to drive him.  Don't worry, I'll be back before you gotta work."

While we waited, Malik told me that he had a job as an orderly at the hospital, and he was studying nursing at SUNY Cooperstown.  "I'm like the only guy in some of my classes, and some of those nursing girls are fine, know what I mean?"

Ok, so Malik was straight.

The doctor cleaned the wound, put on a bandage -- it didn't need stitches -- prescribed Advil for the pain, and told me to lay off the running for a few days.  Then Malik drove me home and helped me inside, although I didn't really need the help.

I figured he was just being nice so I wouldn't sue him.  "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt anymore," I said.  "And my insurance will cover the Urgent Care.  You and Janell are fine."

Malik shrugged.  "You got anybody coming by later to take care of you?  Girlfriend or boyfriend?"

I stared.  Straight people never said "girlfriend or boyfriend."  They always assumed that gay people did not exist.  "No, I'm...single at the moment."

"Who gonna cook you dinner later?"

"Oh, I'll just order a pizza."

"Nuh-huh, you ain't ordering no pizza on my watch.  Tell you what -- I'm a pick you up later, a'ight, and you coming to the house, and I'm gonna cook.  Mama's working, so we have the house to ourselves."

"That's not really necessary," I said reluctantly.

"Hey, man, Janell got a bite of you, so it's only fair that you get a bite of me.  Or something with your mouth, anyway."  He stood facing me, and put his hand on my waist.  "I'm a try something, a'ight?  You just be cool."

Suddenly we were kissing.

Then he broke away.  "K, you rest now.   I'll drop Mama off at work and pick you up at 6:00"

That night Malik served pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and green beans, with apple pie for dessert.  Then I sat on a pillow on the couch, with Malik's arm around me and Janell's head on my lap.  I told him about the Gang of Twelve, that I was dating, one at a time.

"See, I never could get guys who was just into guys," he said, "Or just into girls, either.  There's so many fine studs and foxes out there, how can you limit yourself?"

Ok, so Malik was bisexual.

"I find men more than enough."

"Well, I've gone down on men and women both, so maybe I know a few tricks that gay dudes don't."  He grinned.  "I'm a try something, a'ight?"

He moved the dog's head away and started unzipping me.

In case you were wondering: ripped body, Bratwurst.

See also: The Truth about the Black Penis; The Rich Kid and the Crying Truck Driver.

A Week of Dates with Daddies and Bears

Plains, June 2016

It's fun being a twink magnet, but sometimes I long for the company of men my own age, men who remember dial phones and David Cassidy, who don't spend the entire evening texting and talking about Lego Star Wars, who don't initiate the bedroom activity by saying "Do me, Daddy!"

The problem is, here on the Plains, most of the out, open gay men over 40 have long since moved to the nearest gay neighborhood, leaving the closeted, skittish, newly out, and downlow.  And they usually say "No one over 30" in their profiles!

"You're just not looking in the right places," Gabe, my vegan friend with the enormous penis, tells me.

"I get perved by older guys every five seconds," my sort-of boyfriend Dustin adds.  "Want us to set you up with some?"

"Hookups or dates?"

He laughs.  "Whatever you want.  We can even share a malted down at the sock hop, if that's your bag, Daddy-O."

So Gabe and Dustin text a few old boyfriends and get on a few hookup apps, and before I know it, they've set up a week's worth of dates and hookups with bears, daddies, and silver foxes.



Tuesday: The Wine Connoisseur

Dustin and I meet Brad at the Wine Bar near my apartment, where I gamely sip on a soda while he prats on about beaujolais. He's a husky bear in his 60s, balding, white beard, hairy chest, never had a boyfriend -- "I'm too independent for that."

 He's retired, wintering in Florida, and spending the summers immersed in wine, gardening, and...well, not much else.

After a long, boring conversation, we go back to Brad's house, about 20 miles away, for more wine and soda and boring conversation.  I go down on him right there in the living room, more out of boredom than desire -- averaged sized, thick -- and when he is finished, Dustin and I drive home, yawning.



Wednesday: The Foot Fetishist.

Gabe comes along on my hookup with Footman, who wants two foot masters, whatever that is.

We drive far out to his house by a lake in the middle of the night.  Footman specifies that we should not shower after working out, so we smell nice and ripe.

He's in his 40s, rather buffed, with a hairy chest, prominent nipples, and a small penis with a Prince Albert.

He sniffs our socks, takes them off, massages and kisses our feet, and then brings us into the bedroom, where he continues to massage and kiss our feet.  I don't want to kiss this guy after he's been playing around with my feet.  He won't do oral.  He lets me go down on him, but does not become aroused.  "Play with it with your feet!" he suggests.

Ok, I'm outta here.




Thursday: The Bisexual

Dustin and I hookup with Adam, from a small town about 50 miles away: he's only 42, tall, black-haired, black beard, a little chunky, with thick biceps and a thick cut Kielbasa.  My only turnoff is the innumerable tattoos.

He's a computer technician and avid online game player, born and raised in the Plains.  He lives in a house that belongs to his parents, sharing with a heterosexual couple and his girlfriend.

Um...girlfriend?

"Oh, sure, I love women.  I like playing with guys on the side, of course, but nothing can compare to the soft, smooth, feminine curves -- man, they even smell good, you hear me?"

Um..ok, I go down on him to shut him up.  He's not bad in the bedroom, passionate, into oral and kissing, but how can I concentrate with the mental picture of soft, smooth, feminine curves in my head?




Friday: Day Off!

Saturday Afternoon: The Smoker

Gabe and Dustin both tag along for this hookup. For some reason, they tell the Smoker that we're all anal tops.  We aren't.

The Smoker drove 80 miles to be here.  He's in his 40s, thin, wiry, heavily tanned, with a stupid moustache.  He stinks of smoke.  Kissing him is gross.  I go down on his long, pale white penis while he goes down on Gabe.  He doesn't get aroused. Then Dustin tries.  Nope.

 "Mostly I just beat off while getting screwed."

I turn him over on his back and try entering him, but he's not good at that, either.  He keeps sputtering and choking.  "Mostly I just get screwed," he says.





Saturday Night: The Nipple-Biter

I'm on my own for my date with Corbin.  He's exactly my age, but he looks much older, bald, craggy, sagging, somewhat feminine.  He lives in a small town about 30 miles away, where everyone knows but no one talks about it.  He's a high school music teacher, and plays the organ at the small fundamentalist church that he grew up in.

 After dinner, we go back to my apartment and into the bedroom.  Corbin is into kissing, but his cologne is a little much.  He has a thin, white-haired chest, a little belly, and a Bratwurst that doesn't get aroused, even though he augments it with a cock ring.

"Try this," he says, and bites my nipple -- hard.

I bite his nipples -- hard while he manipulates himself.  It takes forever.

How does someone my age get to be so old?





Sunday: 

"Tonight, we'll be hooking up with..." Gabe begins.

"Oh, no," I interrupt.  "I've had enough of the foot fetishists and nipple-biters.  Tonight it's my turn to pick someone."

I go on a dating app, and start a conversation with TJ, age 25, who works in a restaurant downtown but is planning to go back to school for a degree in psychology.  Tall, slim, nice pecs and washboard abs, average sized, uncut.

Gay, out, employed, two miles away, no fetishes, non smoker, able to get aroused, able to go down on me without choking!

Maybe I can put up with the texting, references to Lego Star Wars, and "Do me, Daddy!"  

See also: What Dustin Likes About Older Guys; No One Over 30.

Monday, June 6, 2016

No One Over 30









The guy on the left is 18.
The guy on the right is 38.

Which would you rather invite home for a hookup?  Or, assuming similar personalities, a date?




The answer is obvious, yet a surprising number of gay men would reject the 38 year old out of hand.

They specify on their dating app profiles:

No one over 30
Legal age to 30 only
Under 30 only

Ok, if you're 20 years old yourself, you might want to limit your dating to someone with shared cultural references  and life experiences -- it's hard to discuss the problems of your first job with someone nearing retirement!  But for hookups, what difference does it make?

Besides, the vast majority of 20 year olds are fine with older guys, or even prefer them.  The under 30 only provisos come almost entirely from men who haven't been inside a twink bar since the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Why such a bizarre age restriction?






Sometimes I suspect that when they say under 30 only, what they mean is:


If they're not fishing for kids, why are they limiting themselves to the 24% of the adult population that is aged 18-29?

Do they think they will have better luck with someone young and inexperienced?

Do they think that everyone aged 18-29 is gorgeous, no exceptions, and everyone over 30 is hideous, no exceptions?

Do they break up with their boyfriends on their 30th birthday?

What if they meet someone in a bar?  Can they tell instinctively, or do they have to check id?

And why bother?  Most gay men over 40 get approached by twinks all the time anyway.  Why specify it in your profile.

I shouldn't care if you have a ludicrous, bizarre requirement that cuts you off from 75% of the adult male population.  There are plenty of twinks to go around.

But one of these days I would like to go out with a guy and NOT have everyone assume that we are father and son.

See also: How to Avoid Being a Creepy Old Guy; and A Week of Hookups and Dates with Older Guys

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Top 10 Weirdest Hookup Sites

It's easy to meet guys for hookups and dates in a gay neighborhood, where almost everyone around you is gay.  But in the straight world it's tricky.  Most of the guys around are not interested, no matter how friendly they act.  Some may cruise you without realizing it; they're not self-aware enough to know  that they're interested.  And if you are too open about your interest, you may get screamed at or even assaulted.

Still, I've done my share of public cruising, meeting guys in the Plains at a comic book store, a heterosexual party, a fundamentalist Christian pizza place, and the doctor's office.

I asked my Facebook friends, "What is the weirdest place in the straight world that you've met a guy for a hookup or a date?"  Here are the weirdest answers, from least to most.

1. Standing in the communion line at church. 

"I was home in Des Moines visiting my parents, and they dragged me to a service at  straight, homophobic Lutheran church.  As we were filing out of our pews for communion, I saw the world's cutest guy in the next aisle.  I motioned for him to get ahead of me, so I could get a good glimpse of his backside as we walked.  Afterwards I hunted him down in the foyer, and we spent the afternoon together."


2. In the lion habitat at the zoo.

"I was visiting an animal sanctuary near Orlando, Florida.  They feed the lions in a truck with a big cage bed, so visitors can ride along and watch.  The zookeeper was a very cute guy in his thirties, so as we rode, I was chatting him up.  When we got to the feeding site, I asked, 'Can I feed the lions?' He said no, that's against the rules.  Then I asked, 'Well then, can I feed you?'  Well, I bought him dinner...then I fed him."










3. At the airport, waiting for different flights.

"I was in a layover in Atlanta, and a hot bearded guy was sitting in my waiting area.  We started talking.  I was on my way to Fort Lauderdale, and he was on his way to Chicago, but he actually lived in Miami!  We exchanged phone numbers, and got together for a date when we both returned."

4. At my son's high school graduation.

"I was back in Arkansas for my son Ryan's high school graduation.  Suddenly I noticed one of the dads cruising me.  My ex-wife said he was the father of one of Ryan's friends.  We chatted later, and got together before I left town.  Wow, massive hairy chest and Kielbasa beneath the belt!"










5. After a traffic accident

"I was driving down a major street in Pittsburgh when the light turned yellow.  Instead of running it, I stopped, and got rear-ended by the car in back of me.  The guy was apologetic, and cute.  We exchanged phone numbers, and later that week he rear-ended me in the bedroom.  We dated for six months."









6. At my grandmother's funeral

"I flew back to Montana to go to my grandmother's funeral.  She was 93 years old, so it wasn't really a sad occasion, it was more a celebration of her life.  At the reception, a cute twink approached me.  He turned out to be the grandson of one of her friends.  I ended up inviting him to the reception afterwards, and then to my hotel room to spend the night."

7. At my brother's tennis game.

"I was still in high school in Upstate New York, not out yet.  My brother, a college sophomore, was on the tennis team.  I went to one of his matches, and a slim, curly-haired college jock cruised me.  Of course, I had no idea what was happening.  He asked me out, and at the end of the evening leaned in for a kiss.  I thought it was the greatest thing in the world!"



8. At a highway rest stop.

"On your blog you mentioned a glimpse of supreme beauty at a rest stop, where you didn't even get the guy's name.  Well, at a rest stop on I-70 just outside of Indianapolis, I was at the urinal at the same time as a muscular twink with an enormous Mortadella.  Turns out he was heading for Illinois State University at Normal, so I followed him, and we spent the night in his dorm room. One of the most memorable nights of my life!"

9. While being victimized by crime.

"I was just leaving the one gay bar in Sheboygan, Wisconsin -- a dark, closet bar that you go in through the back.  But a homophobe knew about it, and jumped up and started punching and kicking me and calling me a 'fag."  Another guy ran up and intervened, and the homophobe ran off.  He offered to take me to the police to file a report, but you know what the police would do!  So instead we went back to his apartment, where I spent the night.  We stayed friends, and often shared boyfriends until I moved out of town."





And the weirdest of all:

10. At a straight strip club.

"I wasn't out at work, and I had a super-hetero-horny boss, always making sex jokes and bringing dirty magazines around.  I played along, because I couldn't afford to lose my job.  One day he said 'You've been working hard, so I have a special treat for you," and took a few of us to a straight strip club!  A guy at the next table looked at me for a while and then called me over, and said 'You don't belong here, do you?  Why don't you just tell them?'  Turns out he worked as a stripper at a gay club in Columbus.  Next thing I knew, I was working there, too.  Oh, and we dated a few times."

See also: A Glimpse of Supreme Beauty at a Rest Stop in Iowa; The Boy with Daddy Issues

L

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