Thursday, September 14, 2017

Third Wheel to a Muscle God


San Sebastian, Spain, Summer 1999

In gay neighborhoods, the custom of "sharing" one's boyfriend with friends and roommates applied only to guys in committed relationships.  It was practically unheard of  for you to be invited into your friend's bed during a hookup or first or second date, for obvious reasons:

The date might like you better. 
Or
He might not like you at all.

I learned that the hard way in 1999, when Yuri and I were visiting Basque Country, in search of the World's Biggest Penis.

After the Euskaldun Tournament in Vittoria-Gasteiz, where Yuri got "acquainted" with bicyclist Ruben Oarbeaskoa, we spent a weekend in San Sebastian, aka Donostia, the heart of Basque Country.

On Friday afternoon, after sightseeing, I wanted to go to the Donosti Libreria, a gigantic bookstore, to get some Basque books, but Yuri wanted to go to the gay beach. 

When we met up later, he exclaimed, "I met a hot Basque guy! His name is Garan.  Volosaty (hairy), big muscles, and a big package, too!  He invites us to have dinner with him tonight!"

"Are you sure he meant the two of us?" I asked.  "Remember last year in Estonia, when you met that Swedish guy who looked like a serial killer?"

"No, no, I tell him we are visiting Spain together.  He invited you, too. 10:00 pm."

So at 10:00 pm we arrived at the Bokado, a romantic restaurant with a beautiful view of the Bahia de la Concha.

My heart sank.  Was I really expected?

"Yuri!  Que tal?"  A gigantic, bearded bear with a massive chest and impressive biceps rushed across the foyer and enveloped Yuri in a bear hug.  He was so much bigger than Yuri that they looked like father and son.

Then he blinked and stared at me.  "Who is this?"  he asked in English.

Turns out I wasn't expected, but that may have just been the language barrier -- Garan didn't speak English well, and Yuri didn't speak Spanish or Basque.

But Garan was gracious about me tagging along on their date.  In fact, he gave me the embarrassing job of translating his Spanish, including compliments of Yuri's eyes and descriptions of his favored sexual positions.

After dinner Garan took us on a tour of Donostio by night.  I sat cramped in the tiny back seat of his car while he drove with one hand and fondled Yuri with the other.


Then he invited us back to his apartment on the Lizardi Kalea in Intxaurrondo.

"Thank you, but this is your date," I said.  "No me gusta andar como chaperon.  I would be a third wheel."

"Nonsense!" Garan exclaimed in Spanish.  "It is only hospitality.  Yuri's friend is my friend!"

So we went into his apartment, and I got to sit on the couch next to Garan and Yuri while they kissed.

A lot.

Occasionally Yuri would lean over and give me a "pity kiss."


Then we moved into the bedroom for more of the same.

Watching Garan and Yuri ripping off each other's clothes and exploring each other's tonsils wasn't fun.  It made me feel lonely and jealous.

When Yuri reached over and pulled me into the clinch,  Garan obligingly gave me a brief fondle.

Eventually he let me go down on his Kielbasa, which was enormous, #5 on my Sausage List.

But only as a courtesy.  He was too into Yuri to really notice that I was there.

He did put his massive bear arms around us both to fall asleep.

In the morning, I watched more rolling around and tonsil-swallowing.  Then Garan made coffee, put out some hard rolls, and asked "Who wants to go to Saturday Mass?"

Yuri opted to go for a run and then hang around the apartment, but I was anxious to hear a religious service in Basque.

Besides, if I could get Garan alone, I would feel less like a third wheel.


But it turned out to be a Spanish mass!

"Why do you want to hear a mass in Basque?" Garan asked  "It's only for old ladies.  It's what you speak when you go home to visit your mother!"

And he spent the entire morning talking about Yuri.  "He's so cute!  He's so hot!  You must convince him to stay in Europe longer -- I can come to Paris to visit you in a few weeks!"

On Sunday afternoon, when Garan took us to the train station for our trip back to Paris, he said "Call me when you return to Europe -- or if you want to move here and be my lover."

Later Yuri revealed that, for all of their passion, Garan wasn't really his type.  He was a little clingy, and his Kielbasa just wasn't big enough -- Yuri wanted Mortadella+!

See also: Yuri and the Unhung Hippie.


Sunday, September 10, 2017

The Ghost with the Kovbasa+

Bronx, September 2004

With a B.A. in art and part of a M.F.A. in Photography, 26-year old Zack is living in Soho, sharing a 1-bedroom apartment with 4 other guys (he gets the couch in the living room from 7 pm to 7 am).  He's trying to make a living with his photography, but mostly he works as a barista at a coffee shop in the Village, and supplements his income with extensive gifts from his boyfriend Mithos.

Mithos is 62 years old, a buffed, bearded daddy (he was married to a woman for 20 years, and has a son 9 years older than Zack).  Very sophisticated, well connected in the art community, and very free with his money.

He pays for all of their dates, plus whenever Zack needs art supplies or new clothes, he just pulls out his platinum card and says "I'll take care of it."

It's nice in some ways, but it also gives Mithos a lot of control in the relationship.  They go where Mithos wants, do what Mithos wants.  Even in the bedroom: Zack is into oral, but he finds himself getting topped every night, whether he wants it or not.  He's had his mouth on Mithos' cock maybe twice since they started dating, and Mithos hasn't gone down on him at all.

Which would be ok if Mithos allowed sharing, three ways, or hookups, but Zack has only convinced the conservative Greek to share twice -- with his own friends, aging artists who call him a "delicious boy."  The only other way for Zack to get oral is through sexual party games, which Mithos does allow: guess the penis, biggest penis contest, who can get aroused the fastest, whoever wins the trivia contest gets to spend 10 minutes in the bedroom with the guy of his choice.

They have a lot of parties.  Mithos has a loft in the attic of an old Catholic school converted into apartments (there are still crucifixes on the walls in the corridors, and statues of obscure saints in little niches).  It's probably haunted by generations of school kids terrorized by nuns.  It freaks Zack out a little -- he refuses to stay there alone -- but the loft is big enough for at least 20 guys to sit comfortably.

Naked would be nice.

Tonight they're having a comparatively small party, 8 or 9 guys, mostly Mithos' friends -- burly bears, aging queens, Bohemian artists with green hair and multiple piercings.

Benny seems a little out of place, a Midwestern farmboy type drinking beer among the artsy-Bohemians with their drambuies: no doubt a new refugee from the Straight World, probably starred in his high school drama club's production of Oklahoma, and now plans a career on Broadway.

A tall, broad-shouldered redhead in his early 20s with a fresh open face, blue eyes, freckles, and full lips.  Wearing very tight jeans, a very tight black t-shirt, and a cross around his neck.

Not gorgeous but interesting.

No, he doesn't act "off" in any way, not depressed, out of things, ghost-like.  He mingles, cruises, eats snacks, talks about art -- well, he's not too knowledgeable, so the most he can manage is an adoration for Michelangelo's David and "that guy who cut his ear off."  Cute.

The only thing "off" that Zack remembers later is: Benny doesn't talk about his past.  Most transplants to gay neighborhoods can't stop talking about the horrors of growing up gay in homophobic small towns.

Zack wonders who Benny came with, if he's someone's boyfriend, and more importantly, if he's open for "sharing" later.  Bringing Benny in will give Zack some leverage in the relationship.

He can't ask openly, of course, so he mingles, making some discrete inquiries.

Benny isn't here with anyone.  Mithos must have invited him separately.

"No, I never saw him before," he says.  "I thought he was one of your friends."

"He isn't, but I'd like him to be.  Maybe I could invite him to 'share.'"

Mithos frowns.  "A complete stranger?  Boy, you don't know where he's been.  He could be a hustler.  He could have crabs -- or worse."

Ok, no sharing.  But Zack can at least spend a few minutes alone with Benny, if he strategizes right.

The biggest penis contest!  Zack has a Mortadella+ -- 4 inches soft, 8 inches aroused.  He would win easily!

When it's time to play the party games, Zack suggests the "biggest penis" contest:  Five contestants line up, drop their pants, and get aroused, either by themselves or with the help of a friend, and an  "impartial judge" measures them.  "And the winner can bring anyone he wants into the bedroom for ten minutes," he adds.

To his surprise, Benny volunteers.

Well, that's ok, Zack thinks.  Nothing says you can't invite another contestant into the bedroom.

Zack, Benny, and three other guys line up and drop their pants.  Two begin playing with themselves, and a third has a friend go down on him.

Benny just stands there.

It's a monster, at least 6" soft, and thick around.  How big will it be when he's aroused?  A foot?

Everyone stares, even the other guys in the contest.

Benny just stands there.

Zack can't take it anymore.  "Can I help you with that?" he asks.

"No, thanks, I'm fine on my own."

He walks to the end of the line anyway.  "I insist.  My mouth is legendary."

"I can manage, really," Benny says.

"You....?"  Zack reaches down to fondle him.  And he is gone!

He doesn't walk away, or move aside.  He literally isn't there anymore.  Like how the witches on Bewitched used to vanish, except without the twing-sound effect.


Zack looks around.  The other guys are staring, confused.  "Where...um...."  he begins.

"I think he went to the bathroom," Mithos says.  "And he probably won't be coming out, you scared him so much with your sleazy come-ons."

"Huh?"

"Please, all night you've been looking at him like you're a starving dog and he's a tenderloin steak.  Could you be any less subtle?"

Ghost or Skittish Party Guest?

Zack asked the other guys who were at the party that night.  Most of them saw Benny back away, pull his pants up, and rush out of the apartment.  But two of them saw what Zack saw: a naked man vanish instantly.

In Chinese folklore, ghosts look and act exactly like corporeal people, except you can't touch them.  If you try, they will vanish.

Zack never spent the night in Miklos' loft again.  They broke up soon afterwards.

See also: An Interview with the Most Attractive Man in the World

L

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