Wednesday, November 11, 2015

13 Gay College Boys

I spent my undergraduate years at Augustana College, never hearing about gay people in class or from friends or on the street,  There were no gay clubs, organizations, newspapers, or books, as far as I knew.  The only way to meet gay people was by sheer accident.

In that world of total darkness, it's nothing short of miraculous that I managed to meet 13 gay guys in Rock Island or nearby during my four years at Augustana.

I'll classify them by:

Friend only
Hookup: intimacy but no friendship afterwards
Date: social event followed by intimacy
Boyfriend: romantic relationship

Freshman Year

1. The Dwarf at the Post Office.  He made eye contact a little "too long," and "accidentally" touched my hand as I passed him the package to be mailed.  I found an excuse to go to the post office every day for nearly a week before I got the nerve to ask him out. Hookup


2. Peter the Male Witch.  First I tried asking around, but the only gay guy anyone at Augustana knew of was Peter the male witch, who was expelled for being gay a few years ago. Friend

3. Mary's Brother.  My friend Mary was worried that her kid brother Jake might be gay.  She asked me to visit her during spring break and find out. Hookup





4. Cute Nerd or Creepy Old Guy.  He was way older than me, in his 30s, a regular at the library book sales.  I invited myself back to his creepy old house to help him carry the load of books he had bought, but was he a lonely gay guy or a serial killer? Friend








Sophomore Year

5. Fred the Ministerial Student.  When the ministerial student at the United Church of Christ asked me out to dinner, I wasn't sure if he meant a date or not.  I wasn't even sure that he was gay. Boyfriend

6. The Priest with Three Boyfriends.  Fred introduced me to his friend Thomas, an Episcopal priest who had three boyfriends and introduced me to the concept of "sharing." Friend

Junior Year

7. I Win a Dating Contest.  Haldor was a member of the Bookstore Gang who never dated girls.  But was he gay?  So I suggested a dating contest: we would systematically ask out all of the eligible girls at Augustana, and the one who got the most dates won.  Of course, we would both go along on each of the dates, and invite one of the boys back to my room. Date.


8. Adam at the Bell Tower.  Adam was the bookstore manager, a few years older than me, who wanted to "big brother" me.  I wanted a kiss. Hookup

9. My Professor's Handcuff Party.  Every year Dr. Burton, the geology professor, held a handcuff party for his advanced students. Hookup
















10. What the Graffiti Meant. In junior high Brian wrote a mysterious message, "Brian gives free LBJs," on the school wall.  The summer after my junior year Brian, now in college, told me what the graffiti meant. Hookup

11. My First Gay Rights March.  That same summer, I marched in my first gay pride parade -- except they were Gay Rights Marches then, with placards demanding an end to sodomy laws and police harassment.  I met a University of Iowa Russian major named Mickey. Date







Senior Year

12. The Priest with the Pushy Mom.  My second real boyfriend, an ex-Greek Orthodox priest with a Mortadella+ and a pushy Mom.  I held on for two months to get access to the Mortadella+, but finally Mom was too much for me, and I bolted. Boyfriend.

13. Julian, Whose Bratwurst Wasn't Big Enough.  During my senior year, a freshman started working at the radio station, and immediately took over: a music major, black, chubby, annoyingly elitist, extraordinarily feminine.  But was he gay? Friend.




Tuesday, November 10, 2015

LGBTQQIAA and Everybody Else

When I was a kid, I read a book about a club formed for the oldest children in the family.

The organizers immediately ran into the problem of twins, who were only a few seconds apart in age.  Is the difference really meaningful?  Ok, the club can be for the oldest and youngest.

But now the middle children feel left out.  Ok, they're in, too.

The club is now for anyone.

In West Hollywood in the 1980s, you were gay/lesbian or straight, period.

I don't think we were deliberately being exclusionary.  We just grew up hearing that "all guys like girls," "same-sex desire does not exist."  So for a guy to admit that he did, in fact, like girls and boys sounded a lot like heterosexist brainwashing kicking in.

And we heard constantly that "gay men are really women."  So for a guy to admit that he was, in fact, a woman sounded like more heterosexist brainwashing.







By the 1990s, we were confident enough to admit that there were bisexuals and transpeople among us.

We became LGBT.



Queer came next, either as an all-purpose term for LGBT.

Or for people who didn't want to identify as gay, bi, or straight, who wanted to acknowledge the fluidity of desire.

So we became LGBTQ.












For many years, physicians have known about people whose chromosomes or sex organs don't fall into the male or female categories.  But they were always pushed into one or the other category, sometimes with surgery.

Then intersexed people began to assert that they are fine the way they are, that you don't need to look male or female.

So we became LGBTQI.













For many years, psychiatrists and physicians assumed that sexual desire was universal.  Everyone who ever lived desired men, women, or both.  If you didn't, you were prescribed medication or psychotherapy to get to the root of your "problem."

Then asexual people began to push for acknowledgement that they are fine the way they are, that warm, caring friendships are more than enough to fill a lifetime.  So we became LGBTQIA















We are still pushed incessantly into gender-polarized heterosexual desiring boxes.  So trying to define yourself can be tricky.  Some people, especially during adolescence, aren't sure where they belong.  But we want them to feel comfortable among us.  So we welcomed questioning people.

Now we were LGBTQQIA.











Wait -- what about cisgendered heterosexual people who aren't homophobic or transphobic, who want to support us?

They can come in, too.  We'll call them Allies.

So we have become LGBTQQIAA.

Oldest, youngest, and in-between.
















Monday, November 9, 2015

My Sausage Sighting List

A Sausage Sighting is a glimpse of a guy's beneath-the-belt gifts that doesn't go anywhere else -- no dating, no romance, no hooking up, not even a few minutes in the dark room at the Duplex Bar in Paris.

Sometimes just looking is enough -- a good sausage sighting can be more memorable than a dozen nights of passion, especially when it's unexpected.

You can't count glimpses of strangers in the locker room or at the urinal, or actors getting excited during movie love scenes.  It's only a valid Sausage Sighting if you know the guy, if he's a relative, friend, co-worker, or acquaintance.  If you've at least had a conversation.

I'll use the same scale as in my Sausage List (the list of gigantic endowments belonging to guys I actually dated):

Bratwurst: memorable, 7-8 inches.
Kielbasa: super-sized, 8-9 inches.
Mortadella: the stuff of dreams, 9-10 inches.
Kovbasa: Are you kidding? 10+ inches.



Childhood

Cousin Joe.  When I was 7 1/2 years old, we stayed with my Aunt Nora, and I caught a glimpse of Cousin Joe's Kielbasa+ in the bathroom.  It was the first I ever saw --many later ones were disappointingly small by comparison. I'll bet it wasn't even a Kielbasa.  Probably a Kovbasa.

Cousin Buster. I went into his bedroom late at night and caught him masturbating.  Probably a Kielbasa.

The Sanderson Brothers, a gospel group that worked as counselors at Nazarene summer camp.  I got to see one of them relieving himself. Kielbasa.

Brother Dinomy Sunday school teacher, and also a counselor at Nazarene summer camp when I was in junior high.  I saw him taking a shower.  Easily a Mortadella.

Verne, the preacher's son.  We  "dated" in eleventh grade. We didn't identify the relationship as romantic, and nothing physical happened, but I did see him nude. Bratwurst.


College

Jurgenthe hipster poet from Augustana College. who I thought was gay until I met his girlfriend. 

Markthe Boss from Hell during my senior year in high school and freshman year at Augustana.  We tricked him into running out of a urinal, where he had been reading Playboy and...you know.  Kielbasa+.

Mr. Kim, a Korean immigrant, a surprisingly buffed muscle bear.  When I was in college, he rented the the house next door with his family.  He only stayed about six months before buying a house in Moline, but he gave me a memorable Sausage Sighting.  Bratwurst.









Jensa slim, blond chemistry major at Augustana.  During my senior year, I joined the Baptist student union, and went on tour with them to perform at various churches.  When we had to all bunk down for the night in the same room, I had the bed, and Jens had a sleeping bag right below me.  He waited until the rest of us were asleep -- he thought. Bratwurst.

Andrew,  the blond physics major from Indiana University who I saw during a heterosexual bonding activity known as a "circle jerk."

Texas

Chad, a soccer player from Australia who sat in my class in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas.  One day he came in late and stripped down to change clothes in my class. Ok, this one was in a jock strap, but I still saw enough. Bratwurst+

California

Brother Mike, a Baptist preacher who sat on the plane next to me on the way to a job interview.  Brother Mike was hot!  When our plane landed, we both headed to the bathroom -- along with 20 other guys.  We ended up standing side by side at the urinal.  Bratwurst+

Tyler, a contractor.  My parents were having their kitchen remodeled one summer while I was visiting.  From my chair in the living room, I got an excellent view of his front side as he stood on his ladder, doing things with wiring.  My friends and I ended up getting a sausage sighting. Kielbasa


New York

Huang, a fellow sociology student from Taiwan, one of my roommates during my first year in New York.  In 1998, at a conference in Montreal, I caught him in the act, and learned the truth about the Formosan penis.  Kielbasa.

Jason, the most homophobic of the grad students in my class on Long Island. We tricked him into revealing his Kielbasa.

Florida

Narveen, a Sikh guy who joined Barney's gym in Florida.  I tried to get a glimpse on several occasions, and finally he just let me take a peek.  Amazing. Mortadella+.






Ohio

More of a sausage "feeling."  Azi, the Dutch Caribbean at the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam.  I felt his gigantic kovbasa before going home with him and realizing that he was straight.  He wanted me for his younger brother, Eli.













Josh, an exceptionally buffed but straight waiter who often took my orders at the Lone Star Barbecue. I saw him all the time at the gym, too. In the sauna.  Kielbasa.

Upstate

Dr. Chester, a former professional wrestler who taught Sociology of Sports Upstate.  There was a private bathroom for faculty and teaching assistants -- one stall and one urinal.  One day I went in, and there he was, preparing to urinate.  He must have wrapped his faculty member around his waist a few times, like a belt. Easily a Kovbasa. (See: 15 teachers I may or may not have hooked up with).


19. Richard, the crazy bodybuilder downstairs when I lived in Upstate New York.  My balcony consisted of rough boards with wide gaps; you could look through them directly onto the balcony of the apartment below.  And one night...  Kovbasa++++.

The Plains

20. The Projectionist at the Film Festival.  Bratwurst, but he was tenting right there in the projection booth!

21. The College Kid at the Gym who tried to hide by facing away from me, toward the mirror.  Kovbasa++

22. The Straight Elitist Philosophy Professor  who bulged during the entire writing seminar, before I stumbled on him in the bathroom. Kielbasa+








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