My sister has gotten married and moved out, the last of the kids to do so, and my parents are taking advantage of the newly-empty house by remodeling. Her bedroom will become a tv room. The kitchen will get new cabinets. There will be a shower in the bathroom.
First up: the kitchen. For the next five days, we'll have to eat out for every meal.
But it will be worth it: the contractor is a buffed, tanned demigod named Tyler: about 30 years old, with a handsome model-face: black curly hair, blue eyes, square jaw, unshaven scruff of a beard. He's wearing a blue muscle shirt that reveals massive shoulders, a hairy chest, and thick veiny biceps.
His tight jeans reveal a bubble butt and an enormous bulge on the right side. I'm guessing a Kielbasa.
I try starting a conversation. He speaks mostly in monosyllables and grunts, but I gather that we went to high school together -- he graduated two years before me (which makes him 31). He has a live-in girlfriend.
I quickly closet myself, saying that I live in "Los Angeles," not "West Hollywood."
That night I look Tyler up in my old yearbook. He was a jock, a football player and a wrestler. I worked as an athletic trainer, so I must have seen him in the locker room. I must have gotten a sausage sighting.
But that locker room was wall-to-wall beefcake. I don't remember Tyler, or his sausage.
Well, maybe I'll get the chance now. He'll be here for a week -- he'll have to use the bathroom sometime.
I discover that if I sit on the couch in the living room, I can look directly through the dining room into the kitchen, where Tyler is working on cabinets, his bubble butt moving rhythmically up and down, up and down.
I call Anky, the best man at my sister's wedding who I hooked up with a few days ago: "You've got to see my parents' contractor! He's incredible!"
An hour or so later, Anky stops by. We sit on the couch, drinking lemonade, chatting, and gazing through the dining room into the kitchen at Tyler's bubble butt. Or when he faces us, his supersized bulge shifting and throbbing and....
Once Tyler goes to the bathroom, walking through the dining room and down the hallway. He says "Excuse me, guys," as he passes.
Anky and I look at each other.
"Should I burst in and offer him a towel?" I ask.
That night I work out and go to the bars with Dick, my old junior high bully. I tell him about the contractor's bubble butt and bulge.
"Sounds hot!" he exclaims. "Can I watch? I get off work at 3:00, so I could be there by 3:30."
Anky and Dick arrive at 3:30, with popcorn and a VHS tape. We pretend to watch Beetlejuice while gazing at Tyler as he works on cabinets and light fixtures and wall wainscoting.
He's on a high ladder, doing something in the ceiling. Anky rushes out and grabs him by the sides, to steady him.
"Thanks, but that's not necessary."
"Oh, I insist," Anky says, grinning back at us.
I kick myself for not thinking of it first.
Anky arrives at 3:00 with a college friend, a biology major named Wayne. Dick arrives at 3:30 with Terence, the theater nerd he's dating. We sit around the dining room table, where there's an even better view of Tyler's bubble butt and bulge, pretending to play Risk.
Tyler is working on something directly above the refrigerator. I go in and clap him on the shoulder and say "Sorry to disturb you, but we need more sodas."
"No problem, fella." He steps out of the way. I open the refrigerator, lean down to get the sodas, and get a beautiful close-up view of Tyler's crotch.
I return to the dining room. "Someone throw water on me," I murmur. "I'm about to faint."
The kitchen will be finished today. Tyler just has to do some "clean-up and trim."
Dick takes off work and arrives at 11:00, bringing not only his boyfriend but his boyfriend's ex and a middle-aged queen who I know vaguely from church. Anky arrives with Wayne.
My mother, getting ready to leave for an afternoon of errands and shopping, looks at us suspiciously. "Are you sure you boys wouldn't be more comfortable in the rec room? That's what it's there for."
"Thanks," I say, 'But we're going to have lunch soon. I'm sending Dick out to get Kentucky Fried Chicken."
She shrugs. "Ok, but don't leave a mess up here for me to clean up."
After she leaves, the six of us sit in the living room, four on the couch and two on the floor, pretending to talk and listen to music but actually gazing at Tyler's bubble butt and crotch as he...
Walks into the living room and stands facing us....
"I don't charge extra for a show," he says. He begins to dance to Madonna's "Express Yourself."
The shirt comes off. We stare at his massive, hairy chest
The pants come off, revealing black bikini briefs. Then they come off, and his thick, meaty Kielbasa swings between his legs.
I stare, rapt, not sure if I should offer him a dollar or a blow job.
When "Express Yourself" ends, Tyler picks up his clothes from the floor and wordlessly disappears into the bathroom. He emerges fully clothed.
"You guys have a good day," he says, returning to work..
See also: Picking Up the Best Man at My Sister's Wedding; My Sausage Sighting List; and My Sunday School Teacher's Stripper Sons