My Most Humiliating Hookup

Plains, July 2018

What's more humiliating in dating app hookups:

1. He sees your face pic and then instantly blocks you.

2. He shows up, but gets a deer-in-headlights look of horror in his face the moment you open the door, makes an excuse, and scrams.

3. He gets up halfway through the blow job and leaves.

I got #3 yesterday.

The guy's been bugging me on Grindr for awhile. His profile name is "Looking," with a picture of his chest.  His profile consists of two sentences: "I don't party.  Don't tap."

Tapping is a Grindr feature allowing you to indicate interest without saying anything.  Lots of guys hate it.  I can't see why.  What's wrong with a guy indicating that he finds you attractive?

Looking has a one-word come-on: "Looking?" at odd hours of the morning and evening.  I've gotten around six of them.

Finally I gave up and decided to give him an interview.

Looking: Looking?

Me:  Sure.  But I'm into oral, not anal (might as well get that out of the way first).

Looking:  That's fine.

Me: I'm into giving oral only, no recip.  (I had already had an orgasm earlier).

Looking: That's fine.  Got poppers?

Me:  No.

Looking:  That's fine.  Got a pic?

Me: Only if you have one.  A face pic, I mean.

[I sent him a face pic.  He sent me one with his chest and half of his face on display.

Looking: Ok.  Where.

[I gave him my address.  15 minutes passed. I assumed he decided it was too far, got freaked out by something, or otherwise changed his mind.

Looking:  Sit tight.  Be right there....Nearby, almost there....I'll be there soon.

A moment later, he was knocking on the door.  Tall guy, in his 30s, short black hair, black beard, maybe Middle Eastern ancestry, wearing a red athletic shirt and athletic shorts.  Dazed look, as if he was high.

Me: Would you like to sit down or lie down?

Looking:  I think I'll sit.

I brought him into the living room and asked him to drop his pants and sit down on the couch.  He pulled out a huge cock; very thin, rope-like, two handfuls, so about 10 inches soft.

"This is going to be trouble," I thought.  "Those things never get hard."

I started going down on him, managed to go up and down on the whole thing, kissed and licked his head, then moved down the shaft to his balls.  He began to get a little aroused, not much.

I tried masturbating him while working on his head.  A little aroused.

Looking:  It takes me a long time to come.

Me:  That's ok.  I don't mind.

I went down on him while squeezing his balls.

Kissed and licked his chest while masturbating him. 

Ran my tongue up and down his shaft.

I tried all of my tricks, but he never got all the way hard.

Looking:  It's not happening.

Me: Do you want me to go faster or slower? Use my hand?  Work on your balls?

Looking:  It's not happening.  Sorry, I gotta go.

He stood, pulled up his pants, and made his way to the door.

#1 is just a comment on your face.  The guy probably didn't realize that you were over 50, in spite of the age in your profile.

#2 could mean that the guy is a skittish down-low who didn't realize that you lived so close to his office, or saw a car drive by, or heard a noise in the yard.

But #3 is a comment on your sexual prowess, your ability to get the job done.

10 Tied Up Punks

There's no precise definition of "punk."  In the 1960s, it meant "second rate, bad, worthless."  Then it was adopted by the punk rock movement, dedicated to rebelling against established norms in music, costume, and language.

Today punks dress to provoke, to disgust, to question.

And they look good in bondage.

Here are my favorite photos of tied-up punks.

1. Very nice mohawk.

2. Dreadlocks were a standard punk hairstyle before it was co-opted by Tarzan.  You can still pretend that you have the Lord of the Apes in a dungeon.

3.  His tatoo says "reason."

4.  The hair isn't too unusual, but I couldn't resist showing the remarkable gobstopper.

5.  The aquamarine hair makes this photo.

More after the break.

What Heterosexuals Do in Bed

Here's a mind-boggler.  If these 16 guys are representative of the population, 14 of them have had sex with women!

90% of the male population has done it. Heterosexuals and bisexuals do it regularly.  Sometimes they go to a great deal of trouble to find female partners to do it with.

Even some gay men have done it, prior to recognizing that they are gay, though I can't imagine how.

A few years ago, a hetero guy told me: "I'm not gay, so when I think about what you do in bed, it makes me nauseous, physically ill."

I was too shocked to respond at the time, but in l'esprit d'escalier, I have 3 questions.

1. How does he know what I do in bed?  He's never been invited.

2. Why does a heterosexual spend so much time thinking about gay sex?

3. Is finding gay sex disgusting normal for heterosexuals, or does it mean that they are homophobic?

I can answer #3.  I'll think about...gulp...hetero sex, and see if it makes me sick.

I have a pretty good idea of how hetero sex works, from movies, hetero acquaintances' descriptions, and the transman I hooked up with who still had lady parts beneath the belt.  The procedure has 8 steps.

1. First, you need to get your penis aroused.  Hetero guys typically do this the same way that gay guys do, through kissing and fondling their partner.

Wait -- why would you want to fondle a woman?  She's got nothing of interest.  Is it ok if I imagine kissing and fondling the hetero guy instead?

Once your penis is aroused, you can engage in the main hetero act, called coitus, heterosexual intercourse, or "making love." 

2. You put a condom and lube on. 

3. You politely ask her to put her legs in the air.

4.  Feeling around, you should be able to find her vagina, an opening at the base of her crotch.  She urinates through a different opening, so don't get them mixed up.









5, Next, you insert your aroused penis into her vagina, somehow stay aroused, and move it back and forth.

6. While this is happening, you can kiss her, fondle her, and so on.

Wait...how do you stay aroused?

7. The friction will result in an orgasm in five to ten minutes, depending on your age and the time since your last orgasm.

If you and your partner prefer, she can do the work by straddling you while you're supine.

So far I don't see anything particularly sickening.  Anal sex with gay men uses the same procedure. 

8. If she wants an orgasm, too, you can position your penis in such a way that it stimulates something called a clitoris.  But this is very difficult, and almost never happens.  Women usually achieve orgasm through oral sex, which you can engage in after or instead of the coitus.

Now, that I can get into.  Not with a woman, of course, but I go to great lengths to find male partners for oral sex.

Ok, writing and editing that scenario, plus uploading the pictures, took about fifteen minutes.  Fifteen minutes thinking about hetero sex, and I'm not disgusted.  I can't figure out why anyone would want to do it, but chacun à son goût.

Conclusion: hetero and gay sex are the same thing, just with different partners.  Getting nauseous at the thought of gay sex doesn't mean that you're heterosexual, it means that you are homophobic.