When I was living in Upstate New York, I had a third floor apartment, directly above a crazy bodybuilder named Richard.
He wasn't really a bodybuilder, but he had a respectable physique, big biceps and a thick, hairy chest, and he never wore a shirt.
Sounds nice so far, except he was crazy. Whenever he saw me get Chinese, Thai, or pizza, whenever he saw me with a Price Chopper shopping bag, he went into a tirade. That stuff was destroying the world!
Chickens were tortured to death so we could eat them!
Bananas were grown by slave labor and transported through gas-guzzling, ozone-depleted trucks, with the truckers denied access to health care!
I should only eat free-range, free-trade, gluten-free, locally grown, organic, tie-dyed vegan goop.
He had a girlfriend who was even worse.
Plus about a thousand palms, bonsai lemon trees, rubber trees, paduratas, ficus, and ferns. It was like walking into a rain forest.
With those ghostly, whistling Peruvian panpipes, flutes, tambors, and ocarinas playing constantly.
And he was gay-positive. Gay rights was one of his pet causes, along with fracking, whaling, animal rights, women's rights, child labor, water conservation, and free trade.
But he was still annoying. When I ran into him at the mailboxes or in the common area, I gave him a brief "Hi-how-are-you" or flashed a smile and rushed on, to avoid the harangue about the sins of kung pao chicken, Diet Coke, plastic bags, leather jackets, newspapers, Nike shoes, basically everything I used, wore, or enjoyed.
But one night I heard something different: Richard and his girlfriend giggling.
They were always deadly serious, moping around over the oppression of animals, the carcinogenic properties of plants, and the forthcoming carbon-emission destruction of all life on earth. Why giggling?
Flickering candles made of locally-grown, free-trade bee's wax.
Wait -- what was that, illuminated in the dim orange light? Was it his leg? Or was he holding a baseball bat?
It took a moment to realize what I was seeing.
Enormous! Gigantic! Kovbasa++++!
I was mesmerized. I stared until eventually he initiated sexual intercourse, and it vanished.
After that I made a point of stopping to chat with Richard, inviting him to church and to the gym, asking to borrow some of his books on why I should feel guilty about eating cows and using kleenix.
If he wondered why I suddenly became so friendly, he didn't let on.
See also: my top 15 Sausage Sightings.