I Learn How to Cruise in the Nazarene Church

I feel torn about growing up in the Nazarene Church. 

There were a lot of rules no movies, dancing, theater, carnivals, circuses, rock music, secular literature, or shopping on Sunday -- but there were lots of ways of sneaking around them.  Life was quite interesting, one caper after another.

The three hour-long fire-and-brimstone sermons every week were tedious --God hates everybody and everything, I get it -- but the altar calls were fun. Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of "praying through to victory" while half a dozen cute men and boys are hugging and touching you.



It was gratifying to realize that only Nazarenes, out of all the hundreds of religions and Christian denominations in the world, got it right, knew how to avoid going to hell for all eternity.  But it was also a big responsibility: you had to win souls. Your family (if they were unsaved), your classmates, strangers on the street.

In high school soulwinning class, we learned that there were five main techniques, ranked from least to most difficult:

1.  Just be cheerful. Smile.  Say "Isn't it a beautiful day?"  Sinners are miserable all the time, so they will eventually beome curious and ask: "Why are you so happy all the time, when the rest of us are so miserable?"

"Well, that's because I'm saved."

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

I don't care what our soulwinning coach said, that conversation never actually happened in real life.

2. Invite them to church.   Preferably to the evening service, when there's more likely to be an altar call.  We got points and prizes for contacting prospects -- people who had attended Sunday school or church and then dropped out.  Sometimes they just attended once.

3. Witness.  Inform the sinner that you are saved, and let them make the first move:

"Sorry, I can't go to the Breaking the Ten Commandments party this weekend because I'm saved." 

"Really? How could I get saved, too?"

That conversation never happened in real life, either.

4. The Soul Winning Conversation. This was the most difficult, and therefore the most prestigious.  Walk up to a stranger, start a conversation, and win their soul right there on the spot. 

The "mark" should be about your age, and of the same sex (coach didn't explain why).  He should be alone, not in a group.  He should be in situation where he won't have to leave right away, say studying in the library or eating in a restaurant.

Start the conversation by finding a topic of common interest.  Then encourage him to talk about himself.  Eventually he will mention being miserable, like all sinners are all the time, and you can say something like "What if I told you you could be happy all the time?"

Boom! Pull out your Bible.  If he doesn't run away, you've got him!

Actually, that never worked, either, but through high school I had carte blanche to approach any cute boy I wanted, just by saying that I wanted to win his soul.

And when I started cruising -- meeting guys in gay bars, or in gay neighborhoods anywhere -- I found the soulwinning techniques invaluable.

1. Someone who is alone, not in a group, and in a situation where he won't leave right away.

2. Start with a topic of common interest.

3. Encourage him to talk about himself.

4. Eventually he will let you know that he is interested in sex, or a date, or both.

5. Boom!  Pull out your phone number, or your penis, or both.

Schlong, Schlanger, Schvantz: 18 Yiddish Words for Penis

A Germanic language influenced by Slavic and Hebrew, Yiddish was spoken throughout the Jewish communities of Eastern Europe from the 9th century on to World War II.

Jewish immigrants to the United States brought a strong tradition of Yiddish literature, art, and theater.  In the early 20th century, entertainers such as the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers introduced many Yiddish words into everyday English, including klutz, schlep, kitsch, and chutzpah.

Many more are familiar: nebbish, schvitz, tuches.

There are still 1.5 million native speakers of Yiddish, mostly in the Ukraine, Israel, and the United States.  They are mostly elderly: except in a few Hasidic communities, the language is not being taught to the younger generations.

But many young Jews are learning Yiddish in order to embrace their cultural heritage.  You can major in Yiddish Studies at Columbia University and Rutgers,   The Digital Yiddish Library offers free downloads of over 11,000 titles.

So knowing a few Yiddish words for penis might come in handy for cruising at your local synagogue.

Note: most of these terms are obscene, so don't use them when your boyfriend's bubbie is making kiska in the other room.

Small 

Petseleh.  Baby-sized penis.

Schmeckel.  Diminuitive of "schmuck" (see below).

Schmecky.  A children's euphemism, like "wee-wee."

Schtickl.  A tiny penis.  From "schtick," a little bit, a familiar term in English for a comedy routine.

Average Sized/General Terms

Bokher.  Literally "boy."

Brit. Jewish/circumcized penis.  From the Hebrew for "covenant."

Eyver.  The polite term. From the Hebrew for "leg."

Mile.  Another polite term.

Putz, potz.  Literally "ornament."  Also "jerk, fool"

Schmuck, schmock. Also "jerk, fool."  The Three Stooges, who incorporated a lot of Yiddish into their act, called each other "schmucks" a lot.

Vyzoso.  Also "idiot."  The son of Haman, the enemy of the Jews in the Biblical book of Esther.

Large/Extra-Large

Schlang, schlong.  From the Persian for "snake."  Donald Trump was being quite vulgar when he claimed that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by President Obama.

Schlanger.  An extra big schlang.

Schmohawk.  An extra big schlanger.  They don't get much bigger.

Schtrunkel. The biggest of the big.  Literally "tree trunk."

Schtupper.  From "schtup," to have sex with someone.

Schvantz.  From the Middle High German for "tail."

Yung.  From "young man."

So Yiddish has 4 words for a small penis, 7 for an average size, and 7 for an extra-large?

I like those odds.

See also: 6000 Ways to Say "Penis"

Jason Schwartzmann Nude

 

In Season 2, Jason Schwartzman plays Thaniel, a sleazy journalist digging up dirt about "sexual impropriety" among clergy known for their old-fashioned ideas about sexuality.  Like Eli Gemstone!  Eli wants to know who he's going after, but Thaniel won't say.  Shortly thereafter, he is killed, and we never find out.  Maybe we're not supposed to find out.

Jason Schwartzman got his start playing weird teenagers in Rushmore, Freaks and Geeks, and Slackers, then went on to some well-received independents, voice work, and comedies.  The only gay role I am familiar with is in Asteroid City, where he and his boyfriend (canonized through a kiss) write the play that we are are seeing.  

Only one nude scene, in The Overnight, but he used a prosthetic. 

You didn't think that he was really that big, did you?

I Break Every Rule of Gay Cruising

New York, Fall 2000

In the fall of 2000, I was depressed.    I was writing my doctoral dissertation, and my committee was making lots of unwelcome "suggestions":

Take out that section about gay people not being able to get married, and concentrate on the important issues.

Put in a section about the guilt and pain that all gay people feel.

But I followed each of the suggestions, worried that they would say "Sorry, your dissertation is on gay people, switch to something else," like my committee at USC did, the first time I tried getting a Ph.D.

Plus Yuri had moved to Florida, and my boyfriend Ari had just broken up with me.

So I wasn't thinking, and I didn't follow most of the rules of gay cruising.  Neither did my partner.

1. Select your cruising venue properly.  Check.  I met Jorge at the Eagle, the leather bar in Chelsea. He was shorter than me, in his mid-20s, dark-skinned, and very muscular.  Exactly my type.  Or so it would seem.

2. Cruise early.  No. It was nearly 2:00 am, and at last call people get desperate and weird.

3. Cruise with a buddy. No. I was by myself.

4. Do not drink while cruising. Check.

5. Gather information.  No. we only exchanged first names.

6. Don't discuss sizes or sexual acts.  No. We discussed in detail the sexual acts that we were interested in.

7. Word the invitation carefully.  No.  He just said "Let's go," and we went.

 8. Invite him to your place.  No. I followed him out into the cold New York autumn.

9. Take your own cars.  No. He drove us to New Jersey.  We had to drive around for about an hour to find a parking space on the street, and then walk about ten blocks through a desolate, scary neighborhood.  I was completely lost.  How would I ever find my way home again?

10. Make sure someone knows where you are. No.  I didn't even know where I was.


We walked into a row house, through the living room, and up the stairs.  "Be quiet, my mama and brother are asleep," Jorge said.

He lived with his parents!

11. Clean your apartment in advance.  No. His bedroom was a mess, unmade bed, dishes from a snack on his desk, the floor littered with bodybuilding magazines and gay porn.

12. Hide your valuables. No.

13. Bring condoms. Check.  But they weren't necessary.  We undressed and squeezed into his narrow single bed.  And Jorge promptly fell asleep.

I like cuddling with musclemen as much as the next guy.  But I couldn't sleep in such a cramped space, and Jorge did not respond to my attempts to wake him.

14. Don't kick him out afterwards.

We awoke to bright daylight that made his room look even messier, and a yell from downstairs, "Jorge, quieres desayuno?"  (Breakfast is ready!).

Jorge pushed me away and leapt to his feet.  "Dios mio, it's late!" he exclaimed.  "My girlfriend and her padres will be here soon, to go to Mass!"

He had a girlfriend!

"Quick, get dressed!"  He pulled on his briefs and started fumbling with his jeans.  "I'll sneak you out the back door."

"But...I don't know where I am."

"Go up to Clmumble-mumble and turn right, then turn left by the Dairy Queen, and go down West Side to the church, and you can catch the HBmumble-mumble.  It's only a couple of miles."

He led me downstairs, through a little foyer and into a laundry room.  I could hear a conversation in Spanish and clattering plates from a room nearby.

15. Don't pretend that you want a relationship.

He ushered me through to the back porch, and made the "call me" gesture before shutting the door.

Call him?  I never got his last name, email address, or telephone number.