My Nephew Fixes Me Up with His Central Asian Friend

Every year my father celebrated his birthday by hosting a barbecue for his family and friends, held on the Saturday afternoon closest to June 6th.  I always tried to schedule my summer visit to Rock Island or Indianapolis to coincide with it.

Dad died last year, so I assumed that the barbecues were over, until I got a Facebook Instant Message from my sister's son, Joseph, age 27, a doctoral student in Central Asian Languages, at Indiana University.

"I'm continuing Grandpa's tradition of Memorial Day Barbecues.  At my house in Bloomington.  Can you make it?  I want to talk to you about something."

"Sure, no problem," I responded, curious.  What could he want to talk about.  Maybe he wanted to come out!

I figured that Joseph had to be gay, or at least bi.  He was flamboyant and theatrical, swishing and limp-wristed, with that nasal "gay accent" voice.  He wears bright pastel shirts and tight bulging jeans and plastic bracelets. He belonged to an LGBT news group on Facebook, and he drove his Dad's vintage 1969 car in the Indianapolis Gay Pride Parade.

Definitely coming out.  Or -- had he turned fundamentalist, and wanted to quote Leviticus at me?

Better skip the staying-over invitation.  "Thanks, but I already accepted an invitation to stay with Tyler."  A friend in Indianapolis.

And I brought along David from San Francisco for moral support -- an ex-Baptist minister with a master's degree in Classics, an expert on the Biblical passages used to promote homophobia.

We arrived on Wednesday and saw my mother and my sister and brother-in-law, but not Joseph, not until Saturday afternoon, the barbecue: hot dogs and hamburgers grilled in the back yard of Joseph's 100-year old house just outside of Bloomington.

How did they afford it, when he and his roommates were all graduate students?

We said hello to Joseph and gave him a gift, then pushed our way through the crowd, saying hello, getting introduced.  I counted over 20 adults, plus kids.  All relatives, all heterosexual as far as I could tell -- with one exception.

A young guy on the far side of the yard, talking to someone I didn't recognize. Shorter than me, dark-skinned, square head with heavy eyebrows and a big smile, a v-shaped torso, a hard smooth chest with prominent nipples, a little belly, and heavy, square workman's hands.

"Dibs," I whispered to David, and walked over to introduce myself and cruise him.  Heavily.

Then Joseph grabbed me.  "Can I talk to you for a second.  Without David?"

He took me onto the screen porch.

Uh, oh -- this is it! I thought.  He's either going to come out or pull out a Bible!

But he said "Is David your boyfriend?"

"Uh -- no,"

"Ok, good.  I didn't expect you to bring anyone...um...so I got a date for you."

"What?" A blind date?

"I know what it's like to feel out of place at these family gatherings, so I invited Ravi, from Kazakhstan.  He's just come out, and looking to meet people.  And he likes older guys."  He grabbed my knee.  "I got you tickets to a dance concert tonight -- but I didn't know David would be here, so I just got two."

"Oh, no problem, he sounds great."

Kazakh, the language spoken by the Turkic tribes that descended on Central Asia a thousand years ago:

I like to eat big sausages.
Turkish: Büyük sosisleri severim
Kazakh:Men ülken şujıq jewge unaydı

"But won't David feel left out?"

Apparently Joseph had never heard of the gay community custom of "sharing."  It's not common on a first date, but not unheard-of.

Ravi (real name Ravil) turned out to be in engineering, not in Central Asian Languages: 23 years old, in the U.S. only about a year. He always knew that he liked guys, but only acknowledged that he was gay a few months ago.  He had never met any older gay men before, and peppered us with questions about how we came out, how we formed romantic relationships, if we ever wanted to get married and have kids, if we knew any gay Muslims.

Oddly, David refused to come along to the dance concert ("Dance is a Contact Sport", about dancers pretending to be football and baseball players, not very interesting), or cruising at the Metro afterwards.  Maybe he didn't want to horn in on "my territory."

When we got back to the apartment, David and Tyler were already asleep, so we took the guest room.

Ravi was very passionate, into kissing and fondling, with a very thick cut Bratwurst.   I went down on him until he spurted, then moved into the interfemoral position, which he had never done before.

In the morning Tyler -- but not David -- joined us.  I went down on them both while they were kissing, then fondled Tyler's testicles while they moved into the 69 position.  Then Ravi went down on me while Tyler pushed into my mouth.

David interrupted us.  "Hey,  I hate to ruin the party...."  He reached out and fondled Ravi.

"No, it's ok, join us," Ravi said.  "I would love your cock in my ass."

"Sounds tempting, but no time.   We should get going if we're going to make it to church.  I'm be waiting in the living room."

Ravi seemed a little put-out by David's reluctance.  He let me go down on him until he finished, then quickly dressed and left.  When I called later, he claimed to be too busy to get together again.

I never found out why David didn't want to "share."  Maybe Ravi wasn't his type, or maybe he was just tired after several days of Indianapolis cruising.

But I got to hook up with a beautiful guy from Central Asia, and hear the Kazakh language!

Later I instant messaged Joseph:  "Thanks for introducing me to Ravi.  He was very nice.  Too bad we won't have time to see each other again before I go home."

"You're leaving soon?" Joseph responded.  "We never had a chance to talk."

I thought Ravi was the talk!  "Ok, I have some time this afternoon."

Coming out, finally?  Suggesting a three way with Ravi?

We met at a little restaurant on the south side.

"I have a job offer at the University of Amsterdam," Joseph said. "I know you go there every year, so I wanted to ask your advice about living there."

Two years later, Joseph came out as transgender.  Sorry about the deadname and he/him pronouns, but that's what they used at the time.

The Joy of Saying "Cock"

When I was a kid, the Nazarene Church prohibited us from using "the Lord's name in vain."  To the extreme.

No goddam, of course, or the word damn, except in the phrase God will damn you.  Even darn was too much.

Gosh, gee, and golly, all shortened forms of "God" and "Jesus," were forbidden.

The British term Lord was shockingly blasphemous.  I got in big trouble with my counselor at Nazarene camp for carrying around a copy of Tarzan, the Lord of the Apes:

"You're practicing idolatry!  You're worshipping a false god!  There's only one Lord!

I never tried zounds, which means "God's wounds."

God also hated words that were obscene or even risque.

The word sex could be used only as a noun: Adam was of the male sex.  Never to refer to coitus.  Instead, the preachers and Sunday school teachers always used the phrase: going to bed: "God will send you to hell for going to bed before you're married."

I can only imagine the younger kids in the congregation misinterpreting that statement and being terrified of bedtime.

You must go to the bathroom, never pee or piss.  So you might say, "I was in the bathroom, going to the bathroom."

We had a lot of fun with the King James Bible's prohibition against coveting "thy neighbor's ass," but referencing the animal was ok.  To reference a section of the anatomy, you had to say backside.  Never butt or ass.

You insulted someone by calling them sinner, heathen, or Catholic, never asshole.

You could imply that someone's parents were unmarried, but you had to use the term illegitimate, not bastard.  Although we sort of cheated with dastard.

For the frontside, you had to use the word shame, or if absolutely necessary, the technical term penis.  Never, ever cock, not even in reference to the rooster.

Once in high school Verne and I tried to joke about the rooster.
Verne:  "I have a cock at home."
Boomer: "Can I see your cock?"
Verne:  "Sure.  You can even play with my cock."

Claiming that we meant "rooster" didn't help.  We were both grounded for a week.

During my senior year in high school, tired of the restrictions and bigotry, I  started breaking away from the Church.

The guilt was heavily internalized, so it had to be gradual, skipping the Wednesday evening service and a Sunday evening service here and there, reducing the amount of money I gave during the four weekly collections, and systematically breaking the rules.  From the least to most horrifying:

1. Reading the Sunday newspaper.

2. Buying on Sunday.
3. Listening to rock music.
4. Wearing short pants in public.
5. Going bowling in an alley that served alcohol.
6. Dancing
7. Going to a movie

By the time I got to my freshman year in college, there were only a few rules left to break:

  

Drinking alcohol.  Too advanced for me.

Going to bed with a girl before marriage.  No way!

Using the Lord's name in vain.

If I said bad words, I could finally be free of the Nazarene guilt!  So I started throwing them into casual conversations with my friends, Mary and Bruce.

Gee, it's hot today.  
Golly, I don't think I can finish this pizza all by myself.

Not even an eyebrow raise.

Our goddam paper is due tomorrow!

 Only a few eyebrow raises.

Excuse me -- I have to pee.

Nope.

This class is a real pain in the ass.

 That got an eyebrow raise.

That asshole cut in front of me!

A brief stare, but no comment.

Ok, time for the ultimate of bad words, the word that horrified men and God alike.

I walked up to Bruce, and tried to say Men have c...

Nothing came out.

Again.  I looked at Bruce, he looked at me.  I said I have a big c....

"What?"

God was looking down at me.  All of the Nazarenes were watching.  It was time to take a stand.

Bruce was staring at me as if I was crazy.

In a loud, clear voice, almost a yell, I said I like to look at cocks!

He laughed.  "Me, too.  And ducks and geese and cows and horses, down on the farm.  Ok, now I have one: want to hear a dirty joke?  The boy fell in the mud!"  

Bruce didn't get it, but by saying cock in public, I was free of Nazarene guilt.  I could go through life without expecting God to strike me dead every moment.

And I had come out.

Schlong, Schlanger, Schvantz: 18 Yiddish Words for Penis

A Germanic language influenced by Slavic and Hebrew, Yiddish was spoken throughout the Jewish communities of Eastern Europe from the 9th century on to World War II.

Jewish immigrants to the United States brought a strong tradition of Yiddish literature, art, and theater.  In the early 20th century, entertainers such as the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers introduced many Yiddish words into everyday English, including klutz, schlep, kitsch, and chutzpah.

Many more are familiar: nebbish, schvitz, tuches.

There are still 1.5 million native speakers of Yiddish, mostly in the Ukraine, Israel, and the United States.  They are mostly elderly: except in a few Hasidic communities, the language is not being taught to the younger generations.

But many young Jews are learning Yiddish in order to embrace their cultural heritage.  You can major in Yiddish Studies at Columbia University and Rutgers,   The Digital Yiddish Library offers free downloads of over 11,000 titles.

So knowing a few Yiddish words for penis might come in handy for cruising at your local synagogue.

Note: most of these terms are obscene, so don't use them when your boyfriend's bubbie is making kiska in the other room.

Small 

Petseleh.  Baby-sized penis.

Schmeckel.  Diminuitive of "schmuck" (see below).

Schmecky.  A children's euphemism, like "wee-wee."

Schtickl.  A tiny penis.  From "schtick," a little bit, a familiar term in English for a comedy routine.

Average Sized/General Terms

Bokher.  Literally "boy."

Brit. Jewish/circumcized penis.  From the Hebrew for "covenant."

Eyver.  The polite term. From the Hebrew for "leg."

Mile.  Another polite term.

Putz, potz.  Literally "ornament."  Also "jerk, fool"

Schmuck, schmock. Also "jerk, fool."  The Three Stooges, who incorporated a lot of Yiddish into their act, called each other "schmucks" a lot.

Vyzoso.  Also "idiot."  The son of Haman, the enemy of the Jews in the Biblical book of Esther.

Large/Extra-Large

Schlang, schlong.  From the Persian for "snake."  Donald Trump was being quite vulgar when he claimed that Hillary Clinton was "schlonged" by President Obama.

Schlanger.  An extra big schlang.

Schmohawk.  An extra big schlanger.  They don't get much bigger.

Schtrunkel. The biggest of the big.  Literally "tree trunk."

Schtupper.  From "schtup," to have sex with someone.

Schvantz.  From the Middle High German for "tail."

Yung.  From "young man."

So Yiddish has 4 words for a small penis, 7 for an average size, and 7 for an extra-large?

I like those odds.

See also: 6000 Ways to Say "Penis"

What Not to Say During Sex: 11 Words and Phrases That Kill the Mood

I've been engaging in regular sexual activity for a number of years, and I've heard everything imaginable before, after, and even during the act:  laughing, screaming, crying, yelling an ex-lover's name, Bible verses, dirty talk, French, German, Klingon.

I can ignore almost anything.

But some words and phrases are too grating and asinine to ignore.  They make me much less likely to invite you home in the first place, and they ruin the mood once we get there.  They're likely to elicit laughter or a groan of disapproval.  You'd be better off quoting Monty Python ("My nipples explode with delight), or just giving your vocal cords a rest.

Here are 11 sex words and phrases that will kill the mood:

1. Fit

Oh, aren't you fit!

 Physical fitness is a measure of your cardiovascular endurance,  muscle strength and endurance, flexibility, agility, and fat-to-muscle ratio, not your physical attractiveness.  Saying that someone is fit makes you sound like a leering, groping Creepy Old Guy.

2. Delicious/Mouth Watering.

 Your kisses are delicious!  Your cock is mouth-watering!

You use your mouth for both eating and sex, but otherwise the two activities are not at all related.  Sex has nothing to do with your taste buds; a hamburger can't be sexy, and a person cannot be delicious.

3. Breed.

I need a man to breed me.

Breed means encouraging animals to have sex so they will reproduce.  It's demeaning when you're talking about human beings, and completely inaccurate when you're talking about anal sex.  If you're an anal bottom, just say so.

4. Fuck

Oh, fuck me, fuck me.

The word fuck is used for many things besides sexual acts, mostly bad things.  It's vulgar, coarse, and low-class.  Besides, it's vague.  Exactly what act are you proposing?  Do you want to be an anal top, an oral bottom?  Do you want to do interfemoral?  Be specific!





5. Cock sucker/sucking cock

I want you to suck my cock!

Cock sucker is a long-standing derogatory term for gay men.  It's demeaning to oral bottom, and completely inaccurate.  You only suck at the end of the act.  Say "go down on me" instead.

6. It feels good/great

The success of oral sex is dependent on how attractive you find your partner, how erotic you find the situation, how comfortable you are in the room, and a host of other conditions, some seemingly trivial (whether or not you are hungry).  "It feels good/great" reduces the act to a pure sensation.

7. Fag

There will be a fag at the party to service you.

Fag is another derogatory term for gay men, implying that that they are objects rather than people, far inferior to heterosexual men.  And why would you refer to just one of the gay men at a party as a fag?  They're all gay.

8. Dom/Sub

I'm a sub into getting whipped and spanked, looking for a dom.

Dom (dominant) and sub (submissive) are terms taken from heterosexual master-slave scenes, infused with the heteronormative depiction of sex as always involving a "boy" and a "girl."  It brands you as a newcomer to gay communities: we say top and bottom.

9.  Big cock

Suck that big cock!  Do you like that big cock?

I'm a big fan of extra-large equipment, but it's annoying to be asked "Do you like that big cock?" in the middle of a sexual encounter. Especially when they ask you over and over.

Um...of course I like that big cock.  Why else would I be here?

The irony is that guys who ask that are usually average-sized.

10. Yeah

Yeah, do that. Yeah...yeah.

In porn, it's guys watching the act who say "yeah...yeah" every thirty seconds.  In real life, it's the guy you're having sex with, whether or not you've asked him a question.

11. Cum

I'm gonna cum....

Why bother to announce it?  It's usually obvious, unless you're one of those guys who produces no semen, so nothing comes out.  And if you do want to announce it, why use that unelegant phrase?  Try:

Russian: Ya zankochen (I am finished).
German: Ich spritze (I squirt).
Spanish: Yo rocio (I splatter).
French: Je jouis (I am glad).

See also: 6000 Ways to Say Penis; What is the Difference Between a Pizza and a Penis?

Wade the Beachboy Cruises for Hawaiian Men

Wilton Manors, Summer 2004

"I read an interesting article in the Gay News,"  my ex-boyfriend's hookup tells us.  "It was about the gay traditions of kanaka maoli, traditional Hawaiian society. "

With three housemates dating and hooking up regularly, you never know who will be sitting at the breakfast table, especially on weekends.  This morning there's seven, including my housemate Yuri, my ex-boyfriend Wade,  and Ricardo, the Cuban-American dance instructor who Yuri and Wade "shared" last night.

"The aikane, or male bedmate, was a standard part of the culture," Ricardo continues.  "Every guy had a wife and an aikane." 

"I always thought of Hawaii as a 'good place,'" I say, "Where same-sex desire is open.

"Me, too!" Wade exclaims.  "I applied to the University of Hawaii for my undergrad degree, but my parents talked me into staying home in Canada.  I should have gone!  Hawaiian men are so hot!"

"And I'd love to hear the Hawaiian language spoken," I add.

"You could get your chance," Ricardo says.  "According to the article, there are 400,000 native Hawaiians on the mainland, most of them right here in Florida."

"That's 200,000 men," Yuri calculates, "100,000 adult men, 10,000 adult gays."

"Nice odds!" Ricardo says.  "You could get an aikane easily, if you plan your strategy right."

"And when you do, bring him around," I add.  "I want to talk to him."

"Or use your mouth, anyway," Wade says.  Everyone laughs.

Where do you find gay native Hawaiians in Florida?

The Polynesian restaurants in Fort Lauderdale, the Big Kahuna and the Mai-Kai, are tacky, touristy, and very heterosexual, with "shows" featuring gyrating women in grass skirts.

There is a Hawaiian Civic Association in Melbourne, but its brochure lists "family friendly," that is, heterosexual-only events.

But: Florida International University in Miami.  10% of the 50,000 students are Pacific Islanders, mostly native Hawaiians.

 5,000 of them, 2,500 male, 250 gay male.

Ok, where to find them?

Wade checks the schedule of classes for something on Pacific Island anthropology, languages, cultures...and finds Hawaiian Language 101, offered through the Asian Studies Department!

Surely lots of native Hawaiians would enroll in such a class!

It's a long drive on terrible Florida highways, but at least his job at the hotel will pay the tuition, if he tells them that language study will come in handy in speaking to tourists.



Week 1

Hawaiian 101 was held on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the Deuxieme Maison,  "The Second House," actually a long, low concrete building.

Wade loved the language.  Only 8 consonants, including a glottal stop: H, K, L, M, N, P, W. And no dipthongs.  So Merry Christmas becomes Mele Kalikimaka.

The professor was a woman of Irish, Japanese, and Hawaiian ancestry, not a native speaker; she said that there were only about 2,000 native speakers left, but 200,000 people have learned some Hawaiian to get in touch with their roots.

What about your classmates?

11 women, 8 other men.  Of the men, one was haole, one black, the rest native Hawaiians trying to fill the "foreign language" requirement and get in touch with their roots at the same time.

Are any of the six native Hawaiian men gay?

It was hard to tell.  They all came and left in a group, and didn't interact much with the haole boys.



Week 2

Class is cancelled due to the hurricane.

Week 3

The Hawaiian for "I have a big stick" is i loaa he nui lāʻau

Week 4

"I finally managed to get a cruisy conversation with one of my classmates," Wade tells us.  "David.  He's majoring in Mass Communications.  He was excited to find out that I'm from Canada."

Week 5

"Made it!" Wade exclaims.  "David is gay, but closeted.  We went out for coffee, and then back to his dorm room."

"How big is he?" Yuri asks.

"You know I'm usually into older guys, but David is super-hot.  Very handsome face, smooth chest, xylophone abs, thick Smooth chest, tight pec muscles, very affectionate. We kissed, cuddled, he went down on me, I went down on him."

"How big?" Yuri repeats.

Wade smiles.  "I kept choking."

Week 6

"Ok, you've been out with David three times," I say.  "Time to introduce him."

"And share him," Yuri adds.

"He hasn't been out very long," Wade says, "And he's a little on the shy side.  I'm not sure he'd be up for sharing with both of you. Maybe Yuri could share, and I could talk him into letting Boomer watch."

"Fine with me."

"Bring him on Thursday night," Yuri says.  "For dinner."

Week 7

Yuri is not really interested in sharing Wade's boyfriend -- he's into bodybuilder types, not twinks.  He'll do it, of course, just to be polite.

But I'm thrilled.  I spend the week remembering the Pacific hunks of my childhood: Call It Courage, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, the tales of Robert Louis Stevenson.  Dusky, muscular Hawaiian guys fill my fantasies.

Finally Thursday night comes.  Barney is out, so it will be just the four of us.  Yuri makes moussaka, with a green salad and dolmas, stuffed grape leaves.  I rent a new porn movie to set the mood for later.

The doorbell rings promptly at 6:00.  I open it to Wade, carrying a fruit compote for dessert, and his new boyfriend David, from Hawaiian class.

A curly-haired haole.

Actually of English, Portuguese, and Japanese ancestry.

Well, Wade never actually said the guy was native Hawaiian.

At least he was not as shy as Wade thought, open to "sharing" with both of us, and very well hung.

There's a story about searching for native Hawaiian men in Hawaii on The Gay Guide to Small Town Beefcake.  See "The Haole Hunks of Kauai, Hawaii"

Micro-Identities: More than Just LGBTQAAII

So, are you bringing anybody to the party?

"Actually, I'm asexual.  An estimated 2% of the population is asexual.  They aren't interested in sex, although they may agree to sex to please a partner.   Another 2-3% is aromantic, not interested in romantic partnerships.  They may be interested in sexual activity, or not.

I didn't ask if you wanted to have sex with them.  I just asked if....

In fact, there is a whole spectrum of desire, behavior, and identity where you can place yourself.

Desire (for sexual activity):

Asexual: No sexual attraction to another person, although they have a libido (sexual interest) and enjoy sex with other people.  Or not, but willing to do it as a favor for a friend or partner.    Or they may be actiely repulsed by the idea of sex.

Wait -- you can have sexual interest, but not be attracted to someone.  Why do you want to have sex with someone you aren't attracted to?

For the release, for stimulation, for recreation.  Anyway, demisexual: No sexual attraction to another person until they develop a close emotional bond (i.e., never on the first date).  Or no libido unless they are with someone with a close emotional bond.

Gray-asexual: Occasional sexual attraction or desire for sexual activity with another person.

Allosexual: Regular sexual attraction and/or desire for sexual activity with another person.

So you can be allosexual for sexual attraction but demi-ace for sexual activity...


We make the same spectrum with romance(the desire for a strong emotional bond with someone).

Aromantic:  No romantic interest, regardless of the desire for sex or sexual attraction with anothe person.

I know lots of guys like that....

Demiromantic:  No romantic interest until you've had sex.

Gray-aromantic: Only occasional romantic interest.

Romantic: Romantic interest.

Can you have a romantic partner if you're aromantic?

Sure, but they would be more like a sex partner who you happen to live with.  For both sexual and romantic interest, you can be:

Gay/lesbian:  Same sex only

Heterosexual: Opposite sex only

Bisexual: Both sexes.

Pansexual: Open to both sexes as well as non-binary persons.

What if you want sex with men but romance with women, or romance with men but sex with women?  Are you bisexual?

Probably you're gay allosexual aromantic and heterosexual asexual romantic.

So you can bring an aromantic allosexual partner, or a romantic asexual buddy, or your brother, or your nonbinary sibling. I don't care.

Now let's discuss your gender identity.

Cisgender male/female:Gender identity matches the male/female binary.

Transgender: Gender identity matches the male/female binary, but is different from birth sex.

Nonbinary: Gender identity does not match the male/female binary, or changes from day to day.

Whatever.  Nobody is taking their clothes off, so nobody will care what you have down there.

That's another identity altogether, your sex.  You can be male, female, or intersexed.

I'll bet even you can't keep all of these identities straight, so to speak.  Check this out: Rodney is a gay gray-asexual romantic pansexual.  Who is he dating and having sex with?

He is into romantic relationships with anyone,but is only interested in sex occasionally,and always with men.

Ok. Boris is a gay romantic asexual.  Can he be transgender too?

Sure, a gay romantic asexual transman.  

Dude, I just want to know if you're bringing a guest to the party.

"Dude, Math Class Sucks": The Slur Behind the Phrase

It's commonplace in our society to use the phrase "It sucks" to indicate that something is ineffective, useless, boring, ignorant, or just plain bad.

Why would you want to insult your job, your math class, an activity, or a tv show by stating that it draws air or liquid into an opening by forming a partial vacuum?

How could they even do that?  And if they could, what's the problem?  Why is that especially bad?

It's an expansion of the derogatory term used for people: "He sucks."

Same question: why does drawing air or liquid into your mouth by forming a partial vacuum make you a bad person?

The Urban Dictionary claims that it from comes from jazz musicians, who would blow their horn to make music.  If they were inept, they would suck instead of blow.  Thus, "They suck."

That's bull.

We all know what it really means, but in case you need a reminder, sometimes the phrase is expanded to "cocksucker."

It means that you are a bottom for oral sex.

Why would that form of sex be deemed so reprehensible?

Women do it to hetero men, and of course hetero men find women reprehensible.

When gay men do it, it makes them "like women," and of course hetero men find that even more reprehensible.   How could someone with a penis demean himself like that?

Of course, you're probably not thinking of it in that way.  You're using it as a general expression of distaste, just like we might call someone a "motherf*er" without implying that they actually have sex with their mother.  We're trying to imply a similar level of wrongdoing.

So when you say "Math class sucks," you don't mean that it actually behaves like a gay man; you mean that it is as reprehensible as a gay man who engages in oral sex.

Thus insulting every guy who has ever gone down on you, and insulting yourself, if you have ever gone down on a guy.

The 10 Worst Hook Up Ice Breakers

Whether you're looking for a date, a hookup, or a friend, making contact online or in person, the first step has to be a conversation.  We used to call it an interview, because you have to acquire some basic information: the guy's name, his age (if he looks young), the type of relationship he wants, any traits that are immediate deal-breakers.  After that, it's up to you to pique his interest, present yourself in a way that makes it seem worth the risk of an hour in his bedroom, two hours at gym, or four hour at a dinner and movie plus an overnight.

But there are some questions and statements that have the opposite effect, making you appear sleazy, needy, creepy, vulgar, pretentious, or otherwise a problem.

Here are the top 10 worst questions and statements you could make during the first ice-breaking conversation:

1. How are you?  That's the world's most boring greeting.  The proper response is "Fine, thanks," and then you're back to nothing.

2. Are you having a good time?  Huh?  Who stops in the middle of an evening (or while cruising on Grindr) to evaluate the quality of the time they are having?  I can tell when I'm having a bad time, but otherwise I'm just existing.

3. Are you happy? An even greater "huh"? I don't have time to evaluate every instant of my life and determine if I am feeling generally more positive than negative.   

4. Where are you from?  That may work in big city gay neighborhoods where everyone is from somewhere else, but in small towns, everybody is from "here" or nearby, a small town that you've never heard of 20 miles away, or even worse, a small town that you never heard of with the same name as a big city: "Oh, you're from Prague!  That's my favorite town in Europe!"

5. What do you do?  Heterosexuals may ask that of each other, as they tend to be more defined by their jobs than gay people.  But in gay communities, the question is either embarrassing or meaningless.

6. Who's your hot friend?  Bringing up another guy's attractiveness?  Who thinks that will work?
















7. How big is your cock?  The 10% of the male population with big ones will be offended, thinking that you want them just for their equipment, and the 90% with average or small ones will be offended.  You don't need to know.

8. Do you know how hot you are?  Yes, he knows that you find him attractive, or you wouldn't have started the conversation.  Besides, if he actually is hot, he hears it a dozen times a day, so telling him will not pique his interest.

9. Do you work out?  Of course he works out.  All gay men work out.  Not very interesting.

10. Do you want to f*k?  You may think that you are saving time by getting right to the point, but the question is vulgar, and he may not even know yet.  That's the whole point of the initial conversation: to convince him to spend time with you.

How is a Pizza like a Penis?

This is a penis.  It is an organ of a male body used for urination and sex.  Many people find it quite beautiful.  Many find it erotic, particularly when aroused.

Others aren't necessarily interested in the penis, but in what it can tell them about the man it belongs to, how it signals his erotic desire.

People often engage in "oral sex," using their mouth to manipulate the penis and bring the man to orgasm, usually swallowing his semen at the end.

Oral sex can have a utilitarian function, to express affection and establish emotional intimacy in a relationship, but most often it is recreational.

 In fact, it is probably the most common form of recreation in gay communities.

Oral sex is rarely a stand-alone activity.  It usually happens in conjunction with other recreational activities:
The dinner and a movie of a date
The conversation and games of a party
The workout and sauna of a bathhouse.

This is a slice of pizza, a dish of cheese and various meats and vegetables with tomato sauce on a thin crust.

Although it has some nutritional value, and can be used for utilitarian purposes, it typically contains 600 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1300 mg of sodium, more than what you want for dinner.

Therefore it is most commonly consumed as a form of recreation.

Like oral sex, eating pizza is rarely a stand-alone activity.  Most commonly it accompanies other forms of recreation:
The movie and sex of a date
The conversation and sex of a party
It is often served at bathhouses on "Pizza Tuesdays."

Eating a slice of pizza and going down on a guy's penis have a lot in common:
1. They require your mouth.
2. They both end with something in your stomach.
3. They are both primarily recreational rather than utilitarian.
4. Both usually occur in conjunction with other recreational activities.
5. Usually in a group.
6. You can do both in bed.
7. It is quite likely that you will do both on the same evening.

But they have some significant differences.










Pizza is about the food instinct, centered on the sense of taste.  What the pizza feels like in your mouth is irrelevant.  Therefore a slice of pizza is never erotic, sexy, or attractive.

The penis is about erotic arousal, centered on the sense of touch.  What the penis tastes like in your mouth is irrelevant.  Therefore a penis -- and the guy it belongs to  -- is never tasty, delicious, scrumptious, mouth-watering, finger-licking good, delectable, nom-nom, or yummy.

Using the inappropriate terms, or otherwise treating food as a sex partner or a sex partner as food, is disgusting.

Never use a taste-term to describe a man or his penis.
Never lick any part of the body except the penis and testicles.
Never consume any fluid that is pooled outside his body.

 If you do, I'll kick you out of bed.  I don't care if you're Nolan Gould, and you offered to buy pizza later.

See also: What Not to Say During Sex; The Most Disgusting Hookup of All Time.