The Most Disgusting Hookup of All Time

Rock Island, July 2017

When I go home to Rock Island, I usually do quite well with hookups.  Being the new guy in town, I get approached a lot, I have the "I grew up here!" conversation starter, and in the absence of gay bars there's a lot of old-fashioned cruising going on.  But earlier this week, when we stopped in Rock Island on the way to New York, I had the MOST DISGUSTING HOOKUP OF ALL TIME.

I blame Bob, the 19 year old economics major I met at the dentist's office a few weeks ago. He was with only one guy before me, but quickly warmed up to the idea of sharing and hooking up.

He had never heard of gay dating apps, and was eager to try out Grindr, so I promised that on our night in Rock Island, he could arrange some hookups for us.

We got to our hotel about 6:00 and had dinner with my brother at Harris Pizza.   I couldn't resist posting a picture of the pizza (the highlight of the evening).

Then I went to the gym while Bob got to work on Grindr, with the profile name "visiting" and nude pictures of us  both to share.  When I returned, he had the hookups arranged.

"I invited two, in case one doesn't show up, like you taught me," he said. "One for you, a teenager."

I'm actually more attracted to guys in their 30s.  I just go with the twinks and Cute Young Things because they approach me all the time, and there aren't a lot of "regular aged" guys on the Plains.   But I wasn't going to tell that to Bob the 19-year old, especially when he was so proud of himself.

"And one for me," he added.  "Old, muscular, hairy chest, big cock."

Sounded like Bob's would be more my style.

Little did I know.

9:00: Chris the Teenager

Chris the Teenager (yes, we carded him) arrived ten minutes late.

Bob got a few of my tastes wrong:

I like them short.  He was very tall, like 6'5".

I like them muscular or husky, not chubby.  Chris had a ton of soft belly fat, and those big womanly breasts that I find a turn-off.

I like them well-hung.  He had maybe 4.5".

But I shouldn't complain -- Bob did his best.

Chris wasn't bad at kissing, and he let me go down on him while he was going down on Bob.  But then he lay on the bed with his butt in the air, whispering "Do me, Daddy."

No way.

"Let me try!" Bob.  "I've never topped anyone before."

Bob has an uncut Bratwurst, about 7", which should be big enough to pass through the fat of Chris's butt cheeks.  But he couldn't find the hole!  Finally he rubbed off against Chris, a sort of reverse interfemoral, while Chris was going down on me.

Then Chris said he had to go home, since his parents didn't realize that he had borrowed their car.

Not a very satisfying hookup, but I told myself, "Wait for Bob's guy.  In his 40s, muscular, big cock.  A bodybuilding bear!"


10:00 Sid the Illustrated Man

The guy who showed up was in his 60s, with a long, ugly face and an obvious toupee.  He introduced himself and immediately lay down next to Bob, who was still naked, ran his finger over his cock, and put it in his mouth!

"Yum...prelube."

"I think it's lube," Bob said.  "I tried anal on a guy before."

"Well, it's still delicious!"

Ok, major turn-off.  No way I was kissing this guy now!

But he was Bob's hookup, so I had to be polite. I helped him undress.

Very thin, smooth, hairless body covered with tattoos, including spiderwebs, Madonnas, a dagger, a gay pride flag, a skull -- I lost count.  Disgusting.

But a cock is a cock.

I started going down on his 6" cut cock, while he lay there, squeezing his nipples, his tongue out like a puppy dog.  Disgusting.

When I moved away to let Bob have a turn, Sid ran his finger over the prelube on his own cock and ate it!

Beyond disgusting -- nauseating!

Bob fondled his butt.  Was he thinking of doing anal again?

 I slapped Sid's butt, and he moaned "That feels good!"

Soon Bob and I were slapping him on the legs, arms, abs, chest, and cock, everywhere but his balls (which he said were sensitive), while he beat off, moaning and squeezing his own nipple and sticking his tongue out like a puppy dog.

Soon he spurted -- and, of course, ate it!

We got him dressed and out of there fast.

I needed a shower.  I have never been so disgusted by a hookup in my life.

Bob didn't like him either: "That guy was way too kinky!"

But this morning he asked if he could spank me.

See also: What Not to Say During Sex; A Hookup with Brothers at the Dentist's Office; What is the Difference Between a Pizza and a Penis?

How is a Pizza like a Penis?

This is a penis.  It is an organ of a male body used for urination and sex.  Many people find it quite beautiful.  Many find it erotic, particularly when aroused.

Others aren't necessarily interested in the penis, but in what it can tell them about the man it belongs to, how it signals his erotic desire.

People often engage in "oral sex," using their mouth to manipulate the penis and bring the man to orgasm, usually swallowing his semen at the end.

Oral sex can have a utilitarian function, to express affection and establish emotional intimacy in a relationship, but most often it is recreational.

 In fact, it is probably the most common form of recreation in gay communities.

Oral sex is rarely a stand-alone activity.  It usually happens in conjunction with other recreational activities:
The dinner and a movie of a date
The conversation and games of a party
The workout and sauna of a bathhouse.

This is a slice of pizza, a dish of cheese and various meats and vegetables with tomato sauce on a thin crust.

Although it has some nutritional value, and can be used for utilitarian purposes, it typically contains 600 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1300 mg of sodium, more than what you want for dinner.

Therefore it is most commonly consumed as a form of recreation.

Like oral sex, eating pizza is rarely a stand-alone activity.  Most commonly it accompanies other forms of recreation:
The movie and sex of a date
The conversation and sex of a party
It is often served at bathhouses on "Pizza Tuesdays."

Eating a slice of pizza and going down on a guy's penis have a lot in common:
1. They require your mouth.
2. They both end with something in your stomach.
3. They are both primarily recreational rather than utilitarian.
4. Both usually occur in conjunction with other recreational activities.
5. Usually in a group.
6. You can do both in bed.
7. It is quite likely that you will do both on the same evening.

But they have some significant differences.










Pizza is about the food instinct, centered on the sense of taste.  What the pizza feels like in your mouth is irrelevant.  Therefore a slice of pizza is never erotic, sexy, or attractive.

The penis is about erotic arousal, centered on the sense of touch.  What the penis tastes like in your mouth is irrelevant.  Therefore a penis -- and the guy it belongs to  -- is never tasty, delicious, scrumptious, mouth-watering, finger-licking good, delectable, nom-nom, or yummy.

Using the inappropriate terms, or otherwise treating food as a sex partner or a sex partner as food, is disgusting.

Never use a taste-term to describe a man or his penis.
Never lick any part of the body except the penis and testicles.
Never consume any fluid that is pooled outside his body.

 If you do, I'll kick you out of bed.  I don't care if you're Nolan Gould, and you offered to buy pizza later.

See also: What Not to Say During Sex; The Most Disgusting Hookup of All Time.

What Happened on My Date with the Grocery Boy

Plans, March 2017

You're probably wondering what happened on my date Monday night with the grocery boy, aka the face of supreme beauty, aka Zack, the assistant manager at the Hy-Vee.

I picked him up in the check-out line on Saturday afternoon, and invited him over for dinner.  I planned to serve chicken a l'orange, arugula salad, and fried plantains.

7:10

Zack arrives.  I invite him to sit down in the living room while I finish the chicken and make the salad.











7:12

The chicken can simmer for awhile.

7:20

I'm not usually into anal, but who can say no to that face?

7:50

I ask Zack to start on the salad while I finish the chicken and heat the casserole.

7:55

I don't even know his last name yet.

8:10

I'm usually good for just once a night, but....

















8:30

We can do without the salad.  Let me just take the chicken off the burner, reheat the broccoli-cauliflower casserole, and open a can of artichoke hearts.  I ask Zack what he would like to drink.

8:32

He tells me.

8:35

This time Zack calls the shots.

9:00

The chicken and casserole are cold.  I put them in the refrigerator and order a vegetarian pizza from Domino's.  We turn on Netflix while waiting for it to arrive.





9:20

This is why on the first date, you always go out to dinner.

See also: 10 Things You Should Know about Dating an Introvert;  Picking Up the Grocery Boy

December 2001: The Pizza Delivery Guy

When I was growing up, the best pizza in town came from Harris Pizza on 14th Avenue, about a half mile from our house.

The best in the world -- I've never found anything close.  Ground sausage, with the cheese on top. Real, fresh mushrooms, not the canned stuff.

We never got delivery -- why wait around, and then have to tip the delivery boy?  Dad just drove over and picked it up.

After I moved to West Hollywood in 1985, I went back home for visits twice a year, at Christmastime and in the summer, and I always insisted on getting Harris pizza at least once.

My parents moved to Indiana in 1995, so I didn't get back to Rock Island often, maybe every two years.  I stayed with my brother, who lived downtown, a long way from 14th Avenue, but I still insisted on ordering it at least once during my visit.

During the summer of 2001, a few weeks before I moved from New York to Florida, I was back in Rock Island visiting Ken, and for some reason I got the job of driving my sister-in-law's car to pick up the pizza.

I had never actually been inside Harris Pizza before.  I was surprised by how small the space was, how much it smelled of sausage and mushrooms, and how hot the guy at the counter was.

He was stunning!  College age, oval face, sparkling black eyes, wavy black hair, nice chest and biceps.  His name tag said "Jack."

I couldn't decide which I liked better: the smell of the Harris Pizza, or Jack saying "May I help you?"

My pizza wasn't quite done, so we chatted a bit.  "I grew up in Rock Island.  Whenever I visit, I always come back for a Harris Pizza."

"Where do you live now?"

"New York.  I have an apartment in the East Village." (I didn't mention that I would be vacating it in three weeks.)

Jack grinned.  "Wow, that's exciting!  I'd love to live in New York someday.  I'm studying theater arts at Augustana, so Broadway is my dream."

"Hey, I know lots of theater people.  If you visit New York, I could introduce you to my friend Blake, who works for...."

Then my pizza slid up from the kitchen.  I paid and left -- forgetting to give Jack my name or phone number.

The next day I went to Harris Pizza at about the same time.  No Jack -- and it would be pushy to ask the staff about him.

And I was leaving tomorrow!

Thinking fast, I called my friend and former bully, Dick.

"Harris Pizza!" he exclaimed.  "All that fat and sodium!   I never go near that place -- you might as well be eating a deep-fried Big Mac!

"The pizza might be bad, but you should see the pizza boy!  His name is Jack, he's a theater student at Augustana, and he's incredible!"

"Your type, huh?  A short bodybuilder with dark skin, an extra big sausage, and a degree in theology?"

"Well -- rather tall and fair skinned, actually.  More your type.  But gorgeous with a capital G!  And he was obviously cruising me!  Except I'm flying back to New York tomorrow, so I don't have time to pursue him."

"So you want me to pursue Jack for you?"

"Just go to Harris Pizza, mention me, maybe wow him with the list of celebrities I've seen naked -- feel free to add Tom Cruise to the list -- and maybe get his number.  I'll take it from there."

"I don't know, Potsie," he said, referring to Happy Days.  "Sounds like a crazy scheme. What's in it for me?"

"Well...if Jack and I hit it off, I'm willing to share.  Besides, you owe me for the 3,000 times you called me a 'sissy,' 'wuss,' and 'girl' back in grade school."

"Ok, ok," Dick grunted.  He didn't like to be reminded of his bullying days.  "I'll see what I can do."

The next day I went back to New York, and got so immersed in packing and truck rentals and lease walk-throughs that I forgot all about it.  Dick didn't say anything in his emails.

Then in November he emailed me: "Are you coming back to Rock Island for Christmas?"

"I wasn't planning to.  I was just there last June -- I don't want to wear out my welcome at my brother's house."

"You can stay with me.  I have a special present for you. Come the day after Christmas -- but not until 6:00 pm.  That's when the present is coming."

Puzzled, I agreed.  I spent Christmas with my parents, then rented a car and drove out to Rock Island on the 26th, timing my trip to arrive at 6:00 sharp.

Dick opened the door in a Christmas sweater, gave me a bear hug, and took his present -- a rather expensive set of wine glasses.  I noticed that the table was set for three.

"So, you mentioned a special present?"

"Right, right."  He yelled "Okay, now!" into the back of the house.  "Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets" from Damn Yankees started playing.

And a shirtless twink in a Santa hat and red jockstrap came dancing seductively out of the bedroom.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets,
And little man, little Lola wants you!

"Merry Christmas!" he said, grinding against me.

I helped myself to a grope.  "You got me a twink?  How thoughtful!"

Dick grinned.  "You idiot, this is Jack -- the famous hot pizza boy you were all crazy about!"

Over dinner (for which Jack got dressed), I heard the story:  last summer Dick went to Harris Pizza as I requested, but Jack wasn't there, so he gave up.  But in September, he read that the Augustana Theater Department was performing Death of a Salesman, with someone named Jack as Biff.  He wasn't a big theater fan, but he went to the performance, talked to Jack afterwards -- sure enough, it was the same guy.  And they started dating.

"Since you're kind of responsible for us meeting, Dick wanted to surprise you," Jack added.  "But not recognizing me kind of ruined it."

"Well, I only talked to you for five minutes, six months ago.  But it's a nice surprise now -- you're even hotter than I remember."

"You are, too," Jack said.

"Ok, enough grade school 'Oh, you're cute!' bull!" Dick exclaimed.  "Everybody thinks everybody is hot -- now let's get busy.  We have some sharing to do!"

Jack moved in with Dick a few months later.  They've been together ever since.

See also: Hooking Up with My Old Bully; My 12 Porn Movie Hookups; and The Museum Guard in My Bed.