Saturday, January 7, 2017

Six Degrees of Separation: From Fred to Fred's First Lover

They say that everyone on Earth is connected to each other by, at most, six degrees of separation, networks of "a friend of a friend of a friend."  That's especially true in the gay world, where men move from gay neighborhood to gay neighborhood, seeing the same faces, seeking the same hangouts.

So look carefully at your next date or hookup: chances are you, or someone you know, has been with him before.  If you dig deeply enough into the histories of your lovers, you will run into your ex lovers there, a chain of emotional and erotic experiences that extends back through history.

1. Fred, my first boyfriend, We met in December 1979, during my sophomore year in college, when he was a 28-year old intern at the United Methodist Church in Rock Island.  We dated for a few months, lived together during a disastrous summer in Omaha, and then stayed friends for the next thirty years.

2. Matt. While working as a mental health counselor in Kansas City in May 1987,  Fred met Matt, a recent graduate of Harvard University, snobby, elitist, and crazy, with the habit of talking constantly during sex, in three languages.  "Oh, mon etalon...nearly there..soon, soon...ich werde kommen...."  They stayed together for ten years, in Claremont, California, then San Bernardino, then Fresno, breaking up in the fall of 1996.  Then Matt moved to San Francisco and started a housekeeping service.

3. Seth.  A graduate student in chemistry, later a chemist, who taught a horribly heterosexist lab section, before Kevin the Vampire and I convinced him to lay off.  And hook up with us.

Seth dated Kevin after we broke up, and then moved on to Matt.

That's right, the ex-boyfriend of my ex-boyfriend dated the ex-boyfriend of my ex-boyfriend.

4. Fangorn.   In 2009, Seth moved to Santa Rosa for a job and met Fangorn (named after the forest), a white-bearded nature boy, pagan, and fan of The Lord of the Rings.  He had a farm near Santa Rosa, where he grew mostly onions (and marijuana).

I don't know what the eminently empirical scientist saw in the aging hippie, except maybe his Kielbasa beneath the belt.  But they were together for a couple of years.

5. Allen Ginsberg and Peter Orlovsky.  Back in the 1970s, when Fangorn was a Cute Young Thing named Dennis, he enrolled in the Naropa Institute in Colorado.  He and Beat poet Ginsberg and his partner Peter Orlovsky enjoyed romping about in the nude.

6. Justin.  In the late 1950s, when Peter Orlovsky was a student at Columbia University, he dated a young Classics major named Justin.  Who went on to graduate study at Harvard, got his Ph.D., and for some reason chose to teach in the Midwest, Knox College.

7. Fred.  Where, twenty years later, with a beard and a belly, he taught -- and dated -- the theology student who would become my first lover.

See also: Fred's Nine Lovers; The Blue Power Ranger Dates Fred and Matt

Friday, January 6, 2017

David's Top 20 Hookups and One-Night Stands

David, my friend in San Francisco, spent the first 43 years of his life in small-town Arkansas, a conservative Baptist minister who had barely heard that gay people existed, and certainly didn't know that he was himself gay.  After all, he was married.  He had two children.  He lived in Arkansas.

On January 6th, 1996, his 43rd birthday, he realized that he was gay.  Within a week, he had his first same-sex experience, resigned from his pastoral job, moved out of the parsonage, and asked his wife for a divorce.

By June he was living in San Francisco, He got an apartment and a job, joined a gym, bought a new wardrobe, and went cruising.

After 43 years in the wilderness of the Straight World, unwilling to touch, look at, or even fantasize about the masculine, he wanted to make up for lost time by experiencing masculine beauty five times a day.  

Hooking up that often is a herculean task, even in Gay Heavn.  You have to be always "on," looking constantly, at work, at the gym, on the Muni.  You have to walk down different streets, go to different bars and restaurants, so you don't run into the same crowd all the time.  And you can't be picky: you have to be available to every man of legal age, whether he's old, young, short, tall, thin, or fat.

The logistic problems made him revise his goal to one a day.  Still during the last twenty years he's probably been with around 5,000 guys.

Here are his most memorable hookups, one-night stands, and public sexual encounters.

The Bible Boy of Castro Street.  In June 1996, shortly after we met, David shocked me by picking up a street preacher.

Brad Pitt.  In August 1996,  David and I had a four-way with Corbin the Gym Rat and Brad Pitt.

The Homeless Kid.  In September 1996, David shocked me again by actually talking to a panhandler.  And inviting him over for dinner.

Santa Claus.  David wasn't usually into the bear type, but he made an exception for Santa Claus, aka Bearnard, in December 1996.

The Straight Boy at the Garlic Festival.  David even cruised in the Straight World.  It paid off when we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival in July 1997.

The Car Wash Boy.  David was visiting a friend in Oakland, and they passed one of those buffed college guys who advertise car washes by taking their shirts of.

The Abductee.  Alien abductions were all the rage in the 1990s, so what better place to cruise than at a support group for abductees?  Of course, David had to have his own abduction story....

The Brothers.  David was quite a twink magnet, but he didn't discriminate.  One summer he hooked up with two tourist brothers from Slovakia, both in their 40s, while they were traveling with their wives.

Kevin's Old Apartment.  In March 2003, I flew out to San Francisco for a visit, and David and I tried to track down my ex-boyfriend, Kevin the Vampire.  We hooked up with the guy currently living in his apartment after a conversation of less than five minutes.

The Elevator.  There's a lot of porn about getting someone to go down on you in an elevator, but have you ever tried it?  David did.

The Hitchhiker.  In August 2003, David came to visit me in Florida, and we drove down to Key West for the weekend.  On the way we picked up a teenage hitchhiker, on the way to his freshman year at Florida International University.

The Unicyclist.  For at least a decade, the Unicyclist was a fixture on Castro Street. He didn't speak; if he liked you, he would circle you and beep a little horn.  For some reason he never approached David, so one day David approached him.

The Surfer.  The water at Baker Beach in San Francisco is cold.  Even in the summer, you're not going to swim or surf there without a wetsuit.  But when David saw a naked man there in April 2005, he didn't ask questions.  He just went down.

The Bodybuilders.  Everybody in San Francisco went to the gym, so you had to be really spectacular to draw attention based on your physique.  And the really spectacular guys tended to only date each other.  One spring David managed to date Bodybuilder #1, and then, after they broke up, shared his new boyfriend, Bodybuilder #2.

The BART.  The Bay Area Transit System has very small restrooms, and it's not very well heated, but that didn't stop David from having a twink go down on him in the middle of December..

The Slave.  David was into leather, but not into BDSM; no bondage, whips, or clamps, thank you.  But when the prospective bottom looks like this, who can say no?

Skyler Stone.  A comedian who usually plays stoners. You may know him as Cousin Mike on Raising Hope, or from his prank make-out session with his buddy at the homophobic Chik-fil-A.  By all accounts, he's straight, but David says that they hooked up in Los Angeles.

The Otter from the Bike Stop.  In March 2013, David visited me in Philadelphia, and proved that he still had the stuff by getting the telephone numbers of 14 guys in a single 24-hour period.  The only one he actually hooked up with was an otter met in the gay bar The Bike Stop.

The Stonewall Veteran.  The Stonewall Riots, the start of the Gay Rights Movement, were in 1969, so there aren't a lot of people left who can say they were there.  David met a guy who was active in gay rights even earlier, in the Mattachine Society of the 1950s.

Everybody Hooks up with Everybody.  In July 2013, I flew out to San Francisco to visit David, and he provided a friend to share: James, a black-haired twink majoring in Arabic.  It turns out that James dated the nephew of a guy I cruised back in Rock Island 30 years ago.  Sooner or later, everybody hooks up with everybody else.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Nude Photos of Prince Harry

Prince Harry (1984-), the younger son of Prince Charles and fifth in the line of succession to the British crown, has been raising eyebrows for years for his wild and crazy exploits, his aggressive gay-friendliness, and his physique.

Especially his physique.

Here are 10 photos of Prince Harry that you have to see.

1. This poster advertising London's Manbar, which has since closed.  That's not Harry's actual physique however.

2.  This is.  Smooth chest, nice hands and biceps, a little belly.

3.  Wait -- where did he get the six-pack?

4. And the chest hair?

5. And the bulge?

6. This photo was taken about ten years ago.  Ever since, every gay man in the world has been trying to figure out what else it could be.

It's nowhere near his pocket, and it doesn't look like a stray fabric flap.

7.  TMZ leaked this "candid" photo of Harry and his girlfriend frolicking in Bermuda. Odd that he chose that moment to cover up.

8. From DNA magazine.

9. Apparently Harry is into butts.

10.  I can't resist a photo of a cute guy with a puppy.

See also: Prince Charles is Gay.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Tintin Porn

Teenage reporter Tintin (here played by Jean-Pierre Talbot) and his foul-mouthed companion, Captain Haddock, appeared in 26 French comic albums (1930-1976), adventuring in such exotic locales as Egypt, Tibet,  America, and the Moon.  They have been translated into over 100 languages.  Although often derided as old-fashioned, as blandly heroic, Tintin is still popular among adults and children alike.

He comes from an era where children's adventure stories typically omitted hetero-romance, so there is none.  Neither Tintin nor Captain Haddock display the slightest heterosexual interest.  Instead, they live together, rescue each other, become jealous over the male competition, and walk side by side into the sunset, The gay subtexts are frequent.

And the fan re-imaginings.

Tintin rarely appeared shirtless in the original strips, and when he did, he had a non-descript cartoon physique.  So why not give him a chest?

Or make him and the Captain nude altogether?

I like how Tintin's pubic hair reflects his trademark wave, but his penis is rather small.  He's an adult, not a child.

 A muscular, bulging Tintin, and a Haddock with a shaved chest and a cock ring.

No nudity, but a nice chest for Tintin, and his relationship with Haddock is depicted as openly erotic.

A bit more explicit.  Notice that Tintin is wearing Haddock's captain hat.  I don't know why Haddock has blank Orphan Annie eyes.

A gag strip in which Tintin discovers Haddock's previous relationship with Popeye.  I don't care for absurdly oversized penises, but I like Tintin's chest hair, and the fact that he's about to top Haddock.  Older guys get very tired of always having to top the Cute Young Things.

See also: Tintin and Captain Haddock

Monday, January 2, 2017

Cruised by a Waiter at a Crazy Retro Restaurant

Indianapolis, December 2016

Who ever talked me into going to this crazy restaurant?

I guess my friend Tyler, Fred's "son," did.  It's a few blocks from where he works, so good for having dinner while waiting out rush-hour traffic.

But Tyler is an expert in the culinary arts.  Surely he could drive a few miles to a place, rather than Charlie's Bar and Grille.

Decor from the fifties.

Clientele consisting entirely of heterosexual couples in their 90s.

Grotesquely outdated music playing in the background, syrupy-slow versions of the most depressing songs possible.

"If You Could Read My Mind"
"Sad Songs"

And my personal non-favorite, "Times of Your Life":

You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember, the times of your life?

Just what I need -- a reminder that time is slipping away, and most of my life is over, in a horrible retro restaurant a few days before New Year's Eve.

Sighing, I look at the menu:  steaks, chops, veal cutlet, Salisbury steak, chicken a la king.

What the heck is a chop?

I order the Turf and Surf, sirloin steak with a stuffed lobster tail, which my Encyclopedia of Bad Taste calls "a paeon to 1950s excess" and a "middlebrow status symbol of our parents' generation."

Shouldn't it come with a martini and a slice of banana cream pie?

The waitress, the only person under 90 in the restaurant, is intrusive, overly aggressive, telling us in detail where every menu item is located, as if we have never seen a restaurant menu before, and coming back twice to ask "How's everything tasting?"

I hate the "How's everything?" question.  It always comes at the exact moment when your mouth is full or you're discussing something embarrassing.  But I hate the "How's everything tasting?" question even more.  I order food for its nutritional value and visual appeal. Who cares about the taste?

And to make matters worse, a second person, a maitre-d or wine steward or something, comes up and asks "How's everything tasting?" a third time!

I'm not answering this time.  Let Tyler do it.

"It's great," he says.

But he's not going to let me off the hook.  He wraps his arm around my shoulders and asks "How about you?"

Shocked, I shrug him off.   He retreats.

"What was that all about?" Tyler asks.

"No idea.  In gay neighborhoods, the waiters cruise you -- flirt with you --- to get a bigger tip."

"But this is Indianapolis, not West Hollywood.  And how would he know you're gay?  He probably thinks that we're father and son."

"Maybe he picked up a vibe."

"But he's not even our waiter, so he won't be getting a tip."

"There are other reasons to flirt with people..."

"No way!" he exclaims.

Suddenly the maitre d' or wine steward or whatever is back.  This time I get a better look: in his twenties, medium height, on the thin side, with a round face, heavy eyebrows, and short brown hair.  White shirt, black pants, apron, so I can't see a bulge.  Sort of cute, in a cornfed Midwestern way.

"Hi, I didn't get your names."  He holds out his hand to be shaken.  "I'm Mike."

What wine steward or maitre d' or something asks for your names?  This guy is definitely cruising!

"I'm Tyler, and this is my friend Boomer, from West Hollywood, California."

"California!  Cool!  I'll bet you know lots of movie stars."

"Sure.  I car-pool with Cary Grant.  Humphrey Bogart's kid mows my lawn.  Last week I went out to dinner with Tyrone Power."

"Funny!"  He pauses.  "I'm a big fan of old movies."

"Working here, you'd have to be."

He touches my shoulder. "Rear Window is playing at the Royal.  If you guys have time this evening, you should check it out.  I'm going after work."

He vanishes.

"Definitely cruising -- trying to pick me up," I tell Tyler.  "Not even being subtle about it."

"Don't be ridiculous!" he protests.  "This isn't a gay bar!"

I shrug.  "Seems weird to me, too, but can you think of another explanation?"

"Um...being friendly?"

"That's an awfully touchy-feely friendliness."

"Ok, then, if you think he's flirting, ask him out.  I'd love to see the look on your face when he runs away in a panic."

What if he is just being friendly?  Asking out a random waiter in a straight-world restaurant could be very embarrassing.  Especially in this weird retro 1950s restaurant.  "That won't be necessary.  I like to meet my men the old fashioned way.  On a dating app on my smartphone."

Our real waitress arrives to clear our dishes and ask if we'd like to order dessert.  We refuse, so she goes to get our check.

Suddenly Mike returns with plates of apple pie a la mode.  "On the house," he says, "Because you had to wait so long."

"We didn't have a long wait, but thanks..." Tyler says.

" Rear Window...the theater is kind of hard to find, so I thought if you could wait until 7:00, when I get off work, you could follow me over."

"We're busy tonight,"  I tell him.  "But I'm free tomorrow."

"Great!  Meet me here at 7:00.  We can go to the movie, and then get drinks or whatever."   He touches my shoulder again, and rushes off.

Tyler stares.  "Does this sort of thing happen to you often?"

"That would be telling."

Actually, it's only happened 3 or 4 times in my life.

In case you were wondering: smooth chest, two tattoos, average size, uncut.  Oral bottom.  Pushed me down on the bed to get into the interfemoral position, but spurted before he could insert anything into anything.

See also: I Spend the Night with Fred's Son; Hookup with the Waiter at a Fundamentalist Restaurant; and Cooking and Cruising.


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