Alan's Arrest: The Vice Cop, the Gay Basher, or the High School Boy?

West Hollywood, July 1988

"Ok, do you guys want to pick at ice cream like little sissy girls, or do you want to EAT ICE CREAM?"  Alan asks.

If you say EAT,  you get six scoops "for starters."

We're at a barbecue at Derek's house near Sunset Boulevard. About 10 of us, including Fred, Matt, Raul, Marcus, and Will the Bondage Boy, are swapping our best stories about disastrous dates, gigantic penises, or hookups with celebrities.  Now it's time for dessert, and Alan's turn:

"I'm going to tell you about the time I was arrested."

This should be good.  Alan does everything BIG.  A Pentecostal theology student turned porn star turned English teacher, he is exuberant, effervescent, full of crazy schemes.  He says whatever pops into his head, does whatever he wants without considering the consequences.  It's not hard to imagine a lot of circumstances where he would draw the wrath of the heterosexual police state.

"Better yet, I'll tell you about three incidents, and you have to decide which resulted in my arrest.  They all happened in the early 1980s, before any of you met me."

"What do we win if we get the right answer?" Raul asks.

"Twenty minutes alone in the bedroom with me.  Anything you want: make out, give me a blow job, discuss Dynasty...."

We glance at each other and grin.  Alan is very big beneath the belt.

#1: The Vice Cop

Alan didn't approve of public cruising -- not because of any immorality in anonymous contacts, because it was dangerous.  Undercover cops were everywhere, waiting to haul in "perverts" on "lewd conduct" charges, even if they did nothing but talk.

One day Alan and his friends had a picnic in Griffith Park, and he decided to go on a hike.  A cute guy cruised him.  In his twenties, with blond curly hair and a smooth chest -- well, who wouldn't follow him into the woods?  Besides, there was no way a vice cop would be prowling this far from a gay neighborhood!

They found a secluded spot.  The cute guy unzipped Alan's pants and pulled it out.  He fondled Alan's aroused penis for a few minutes.

Then he flashed a badge.  "LAPD Vice!"

I go into the kitchen and bring Alan another soda.  Obviously the contest is over -- this must be the one.

#2: The Gay Basher

In the early 1980s, before people knew about AIDS, "tricking" was commonplace -- you went out to the bars, met someone, and brought him home that night, without waiting for a date or introducing him to your friends or anything.

One night at the Gold Coast Alan met a truck driver -- in his 30s, very tall and muscular, with a beard and a hairy chest.  Alan usually preferred soft and smooth -- but what a bulge!

The guy said "I want take you home and pound you!"  Alan was not usually into anal sex, but he figured, with someone that hot, he would make an exception.

They went back to Alan's apartment.  When they walked in the door, Alan drew him in for a kiss.  The truck driver called him a  "f*king faggot", and punched him in the face.

Alan sprang back in shock, and the guy was on top of him, punching and kicking and yelling "f*king faggot."

"More ice cream?" Alan asks.  "I brought lots."

#3: Staying After Class

Every high school teacher and college professor knows that male students often get aroused in the classroom. You're supposed to pretend that you don't notice.  But Alan doesn't pretend.

He was so cute!  18 years old, tall, slim, Hispanic, a little feminine, with thick black hair -- and what a bulge!  He had a Mortadella, easily.  And he was tenting outrageously right in the middle of the lecture.

Alan leaned down and whispered in his ear, "Do you want to go to the bathroom and take care of that?"

The boy blushed and shook his head.  But after school he came back to "talk about his grade."  His bulge returned.  So did Alan's.

The school was empty except for some kids doing after-school activities and the the janitor making his rounds.  So Alan unzipped his pants, and the boy knelt and went down on him.  Right at his desk!

"Ding, ding!" Alan exclaims.  "Write your answer on a slip of paper, and I'll tally the results."

Most guys guess The Vice Cop.  I mean, come on, the guy flashed his badge!

"No," Alan says. "He let me off with a warning -- after he went down on me.  He was on a power trip -- he got off on intimidating guys into sex."

Some guess Staying After Class.  Sex with one of your students, right in the classroom!  Who cared that he was of legal age -- the police would have a field day!

"No," Alan says,  "We hooked up after class several times.  We're still in contact -- he went to UC Santa Cruz, majored in philosophy."

Only Will the Bondage Boy, who has never met Alan before, guesses The Gay Basher.  "You look like you can take care of yourself," he says. "I bet the basher ended up in the hospital, and that didn't sit well with the straights."


"Precisely!" Alan exclaims.  "He got a broken nose and three broken ribs.  My crazy roommate called the police, and of course they arrested me for 'enticing' a poor innocent straight boy."

So Will and Alan go into the bedroom for 20 minutes.  They don't tell us what happened there.  Probably something like this.

See also: Sharing the Kept Boy with Alan; and the Bear with the Sweeney Todd Fetish.

Cesar's Three-Way with Desi Arnaz Jr. and Dean Paul Martin

Brentwood, May 1991

Cesar Romero, the 1940s heartthrob and 1960s Batman villain, is telling me about some of his more memorable hookups.

"I was the go-to guy of Hollywood," he brags.  "Gay, bi, closeted, I didn't care, as long as you met my standards."

"Which were....?"  I ask.

He squeezes my knee.  "Under 40, handsome, nice hair, and hung like an elephant.  I've dated or tricked with Johnny Sheffield, Tommy Cook, Desi Arnaz, Cary Grant, Walter Pidgeon, Tony Perkins, William Holden..."

"But what about more recent stars, the ones I knew in my childhood in the 1960s and 1970s?"

"Well, you already know about Burt Ward, who played Robin on the Batman series.  Then there's Rock Hudson, Gregory Peck, Desi Arnaz Jr....."

Desi Arnaz, Jr, one of my biggest childhood crushes!

Born in 1953, Desi grew up in the shadow of his famous parents, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz Sr.  As a teenager he started a boy band, Dino, Desi, and Billy, with his friends Dino Martin (son of famous crooner Dean Martin) and Billy Hinsche.  From 1968 to 1972 he starred in his mother's sitcom, Here's Lucy, as she tried to draw young fans.

During the 1970s, Desi appeared in any number of gay-subtext movies: Marco, Billy Two-Hats, Joyride, Gridlock.  

Later I would see him in The Mambo Kings (1992), playing his father, Desi Arnaz Sr., who takes a professional -- and obviously homoerotic -- interest in two Cuban brothers (Armand Assante, Antonio Banderas).

"You've been with your close friend's son?" I ask.  "Did Desi Senior know?"

Cesar laughs.  "My boy, not only did he know about it, he arranged it!  But that's a story for another time.  I'm a bit tired."

It takes a few more visits and a lot more wheedling before Cesar is willing to open up about Desi Arnaz Jr.  Why, I wonder, is this memory more troubling than all the others?

West Hollywood, February 1971

In the spring of 1969, Cesar guest starred on Here's Lucy as a handsome jewel thief [the episode, "A Date for Lucy, aired February 10th, 1969].   He hadn't seen Desi Jr. for several years, and he was impressed with how the 16-year old had blossomed -- strong, self-confident, yet androgynous, even fey.  Cesar wondered if the boy might be that way, like his father, but to avoid tension with Lucy, he didn't say anything.

Nearly two years later, near Valentine's Day in 1971, Desi invited Cesar out to lunch and said "My son's got a problem.  He's not straight."

Cesar laughed. "I've suspected that for some time, but it's hardly a problem if you're discrete."

"Aye, que barbaridad, cabron!  He's not discrete at all."

It seems that when he turned eighteen, Lucy and her husband Gary Morton gave Desi permission to move into an apartment with his buddy Dino, not realizing that they were both that way.  Now the boys were cruising on Hollywood Boulevard, echando hustlers,or in Griffith Park where undercover cops patroled, or maybe even in the "fag bars" west of San Vicente, that got raided every five minutes.  It was only a matter of time until they were arrested,or outed on the front page of The National Enquirer.

Cesar didn't ask how Desi knew all of this; he suspected that it was mostly speculation, or perhaps a reflection of his life-long feud with Dean Martin and, by proxy, his son.  He merely asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Put the reigns on him." Desi said.  "Teach him to be queer the right way.  Keep it between friends, like when we were young."

Cesar was intrigued by the possibility of introducing both Desi and the very attractive, wavy-haired Dino to the joys of "a friendly gesture between friends."

So he called Desi, and got an invitation to their apartment off Selma in Hollywood -- rather a sleazy, bohemian neighborhood, full of druggies, radicals, jazz musicians, performance artists -- and queers.  Hardly a proper neighborhood for two of the most famous young men in the world!  But if you wanted lots of opportunities for same-sex liaisons....

Desi was a little taller than his father, and more muscular, with black hair and deep-set black eyes.  He shook Cesar's hands warmly, and sat him on a leather couch with a can of beer and a plate of brownies. Cesar didn't ask if they contained marijuana.

"Your father tells me that you boys may be getting into trouble, hanging out with the wrong crowd, like...for instance, going to fag bars."

"I'm not gay!" Desi protested.  "I dig chicks.  I just like a little man-on-man action from time to time.  What's wrong with that?  Your generation's just uptight."

"No, no, being queer....um, gay...doesn't bother your father at all.  After all, I'm his best friend, and I'm gay too.  He's known for years."

"The famous Latin lover Cesar Romero is a friend of Dorothy?"  Desi said with a grin.  "I wish I knew that last year, when you were on Here's Lucy.  We could have had a lot of kicks."  He moved across the couch and grabbed Cesar's knee.

"That's the point," Cesar said, struggling to keep focus, to not get aroused.  "You can't trick with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.  You have to be cautious, keep it in the family.  Just go with friends.  Like Dino."

"Oh, we never do each other," Desi said, unzipping Cesar's pants.  "He's like a brother to me.  Sometimes we share dudes, though.  Girls, too...."

Desi went down on Cesar's uncut Bratwurst, and pulled out his own aroused Kielbasa.  Cesar moved them into the 69 position on the living room floor.

A few moments later, Dino came in.  "Bringing your tricks home?" he asked.

Desi raised his head.  "Dino, you remember Cesar Romero, Pop's friend?"

Dino laughed.  "You really know how to pick them, bud.  Mind if I get in on some of that action?"

Soon Dino and Desi both were working on Cesar while he fondled them.  When he finished, he went down on them at the same time.  Dino was a little bigger than Desi, and thicker around, but with thirty years of experience, he managed.

He noticed that they didn't kiss or fondle each other.

Desi finished first, and went into the bathroom to wash off while Cesar went down on Dino alone.  He shivered all over as he finished with a gigantic load.

Then they all dressed and returned to their beers.

"Cruising in the bars is too risky," Cesar said.  "If you're found out, it won't only ruin you, it will ruin your parents.  Their careers will be over.  Better to keep it among friends."

"That may have been true in the Dark Ages," Dino said, "But it's a new world.  We have Gay Liberation now.  Nobody cares if you like boys or girls, or both."

Cesar hoped that he and Dino and Desi Jr. would become close and start meeting regularly for  "friendly gestures between friends" like those he had with Desi Senior in the 1940s.  But they refused lunch invitations, and never had him over for coffee and sex again.

Maybe they only liked it with strangers.


Was Cesar Telling the Truth?

Dino and Desi did share an apartment in the 1970s.  Dino's bisexuality is well known, and Desi has been the subject of bisexual rumors (he lived with Liza Minnelli, whose four husbands have all been gay).

But in 1971, Cesar was 65 years old, and a friend of Desi's father.  Would Desi really want to hook up with him?  Would Dino?

But...Cesar was hesitant about talking about Desi Jr, as if the memory was painful.  His hope for an ongoing friendship was never realized.  That gives his story a ring of truth.

See also: Cesar Hooks Up with the Entire Male Cast of I Love Lucy.; Dean Paul Martin.

Lane's Hookup with Batman, Robin, and the Joker

West Hollywood, March 1991

Everybody in West Hollywood had a good celebrity dating story.

Older guys claimed to have dated Marlon Brandon, Cary Grant, or Rock Hudson.

Younger guys claimed hookups with Scott Baio, Johnny Depp, or Keanu Reeves.

Everybody claimed sausage sightins of Rob Lowe, Tom Selleck, and Sylvester Stallone.

Since nearly every actor was closeted in those days, and vehemently denied any "accusations," it was hard to tell which story was real, which an exaggeration of a casual meeting, and which just wishful thinking.

But Lane didn't have any good stories.  Oh, he had dated some actors: a minor cast member of M*A*S*H,  the star of a Saturday morning tv show, a guy who played a Klingon on Star Trek.  But nobody really famous.

For someone who grew up a stone's throw from Paramount Studios, it was downright embarrassing.

"You can have my Celebrity Boyfriend," I told him one day.  "We broke up a while ago, but I'm sure I can arrange some sharing."

"The guy who starred in one tv show that nobody watched?  I'd rather stick to my M*A*S*H story."

"How about Michael J. Fox?"

"I don't want a getting-coffee story.  If I'm going to do this, I want at least a sausage sighting out of it!"

Then I had an inspiration:  "How about Cesar Romero?"

Lane frowned.  "The guy who played the Joker in the old Batman show?"

"You mean Sophia's boyfriend on The Golden Girls," I corrected him.  "And also the Cisco Kid.  And a Latin lover in about a hundred movies.  He was a big heartthrob, back in the day."

"How do you know the Joker?"

"You know that love seat in my room that's impossible to sit on?  I got it from him."

A couple of years ago, I answered an ad in Frontiers and bought a gold-and-white loveseat from Cesar Romero.  It turned out to be horribly uncomfortable, hard and scratchy -- I never sat on it; mostly it held clothes that I was to lazy to throw in the hamper. But I kept in contact with the barely-closeted Hollywood legend.

"Isn't Cesar Romero like a hundred by now?" Lane asked.

"He's a distinguished older gentleman," I answered, "But still in good shape -- I've seen him at the gym, walking on the treadmill or cruising in the steamroom.  Besides, when you tell the story, you can push it back a few years.  You can be a naive teenager asking for his autograph on the set of Batman in 1968.

"Um...in 1968 I was twelve.  But ok, I like Daddies.  We can go out, and if something happens, I'll tweak it a little into a celebrity dating story."


I arranged for us to have lunch at the Greenery, an al fresco restaurant on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Cesar was taller than me, white haired, and heavily tanned, an affluent retiree wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned a few buttons, and white shorts that displayed a considerable old-guy bulge.

Lane and I prepped by renting two of Cesar's old movies, Lost Continent (1951) and The Castillian (1964), assuming that he wouldn't want to talk about Batman.  But he said the Joker was his favorite role.

"I had a blast!  I played the Joker 20 times, and every time I got to 'accidentally' fondle Adam West (Batman) and Burt Ward (Robin).  Sometimes more than that.  Not that they minded -- we all became good friends.  I think Burt looked up to me as a role model."

After dinner we drove back to Cesar's apartment in Brentwood, on the other side of UCLA.  It didn't look like an old person's apartment -- all black leather and ultra-modern chrome.  He must have remodeled (that's why he sold the loveseat, I concluded).

Cesar sat between us on the couch with glasses of lemonade and, getting a little frisky, told us about the guys he had been with:

A long-term relationship with Tyrone Power.  Dating Cary Grant.  Hookups with Walter Pidgeon, Tony Perkins, and William Holden.

"Usually I went down on them.  That was the main thing gay guys did in those days.  And the guys receiving, they didn't think of themselves as gay.  It was just a friendly gesture.  Desi told me, 'Come on, Cesar, let's just get it over with, and then we can be friends."

"Desi Arnaz?"  I asked.  "Junior or Senior?"

Desi Arnaz (1917-1986) was the star of I Love Lucy in the 1950s.  His son, Desi Arnaz Jr. (1953-) was a former teen idol, with a band and some movie roles.

Cesar grinned.  "Why, both of them, of course."

This was so interesting that I was forgetting to cruise.  Then I saw Lane's hand rubbing against Cesar's bare thigh.  Cesar smiled and moved it to his crotch.

"So, anyone recent?" Lane asked.

"Tony Randall.  Raymond Burr.  And..."

Suddenly the doorbell rang.  Cesar brushed Lane away and stood, tenting, to ring in...Burt Ward!

He was in his 40s, chubby and squinty, but still recognizable as Robin the Boy Wonder from the Batman series.  Later we found out that he was still acting, appearing mostly in low-budget sexploitation movies like Cyber Chic and Beach Babes from Beyond. 

"Hey, I just wanted to return the book," Burt said, staring at us with surprise.  "I see you're busy."

"Not at all," Cesar said.  "Just entertaining some friends.  Care for some lemonade?"

He stared at the two of us for a long moment, as if trying to figure out what was going on. Then it dawned on him. ."Oh...thanks, but I can't stay.  Nice meeting you, though."  He vanished.

"I have to apologize for Burt," Cesar said, returning to his place between us.  "He's very nice, really, but not really comfortable with my lifestyle."

"But you've been with him?"  Lane asked.

"Just once."

"How big is he?  I mean, he had a huge bulge on the show.  I can't believe it got past the censors."

"He's quite the Boy Wonder. Kielbasa+."

"I can do better than that,"  Lane said, unzipping and pulling it out (I'm not allowed to reveal his size).

Cesar got on his knees and went down on him.

Soon they were on the floor in the 69 position.  Cesar had a Bratwurst+, very thick.

I didn't participate -- I wanted this to be Lane's story, not mine.

Lane finished very quickly -- Cesar brought sixty years of experience to the task.  But Cesar took awhile.  Finally Lane tired of using his mouth and switched to his hand.

When he finished, Cesar said "Thanks" rather brusquely and pulled his shorts back on. "More lemonade, anyone?  I always drink lemonade or something acidic after sex.  It kills the germs."

When Lane told the story later, he started with "I'm going to tell you about my date with Batman, Robin, and the Joker," even though Burt Ward was just there for a moment, and Adam West, not at all.

As if Cesar Romero wasn't impressive enough.

See also: Batman and Robin; The Satyr's Hookup with Sylvester Stallone.