Jason Bateman Dates the Porn Star

West Hollywood, March 1987.

Even though my celebrity boyfriend and I dated for only about six weeks, our breakup was devastating -- particularly since he dumped me for my roommate Alan!

For three days I called in sick to work and sat at home in my bathrobe, eating ice cream, watching game shows on tv, and bursting into tears at random moments.  I didn't go out, except for work, for over a week, and when I finally hit the bars again, it was in a self-destructive daze, trying to pick up the ugliest, most disgusting sleazoid I could find.

On the second Friday night after the breakup, I padded my crotch with a balled-up handkerchief, went to a sleazy bar called the Rawhide, and propped up the wall.  Lots of leering, ugly guys there, but the one who came over was the ugliest of the lot: Tall, super-thin, pale as a ghost, with a long thin face, a thick Tom Selleck porn stash, an...ugh!...tattoo, and two...ugh!...rings.  Plus he was smoking!

The only conversation I got from him was: his name was James [not Jim], he was a porn star, and he wanted to f* me sideways with Mr. Big.

Perfect!  Getting f* sideways by Mr. Big would be the perfect remedy to our breakup.  To seal the deal, I pulled James into a kiss.

Gross! Sloppy, boozy, smoky, and his teeth scraped my tongue.

In 1987, even sleazoids were worried about AIDS, and wanted to date rather than trick, so I suggested that we meet for brunch Sunday morning at the French Quarter.  Alan and Peter would be there, and see how pitiful and self-destructive I had become, and feel guilty.

James arrived in a stupid pink muscle shirt that displayed his slim, hairy chest, which was doused -- doused! in cologne.  Obviously he wasn't hired to do porn for his physique -- his very tight jeans showed an ample basket.  But to get a chance at his penis, I'd have to endure a lot of James.  Perfectly gross.

As I waited for Alan and Peter to show up so I could make out with James, we discussed gym routines, porn, poppers, and penises. You should never mention ex-boyfriends during a date, but I did anyway, talking about that last party in detail.

James shrugged.  "The bigger they are, the flightier they get." Then:  "Hey, you want to meet my ex?  He's having a party next Friday night.  Bringing you along would make him die of envy."

So James was on the rebound, too?  Was I his idea of the sleaziest, ugliest guy possible?

"He's famous, totally closeted, and completely full of himself," James continued, "So showing up with an Iowa farmboy would really stick it to him."

"I'm from Illinois, not Iowa, and I never lived on a farm.  So who is this movie star?"

"Did you ever watch Valerie?"

The nuclear family sitcom (1986-1991) starred Valerie Harper (Rhoda) until she left after a salary dispute.  Then it became the TGIF classic The Hogan Family.  "Sure.  But Josh Taylor [Dad Michael Hogan] isn't all that famous."

"No -- David."  Teen heart throb Jason Bateman!

"But he's under age, isn't he?"  In West Hollywood you never discussed the attractiveness of kids under 18, and you never, ever admitted doing anything with them.

"Hey, hey, hey, none of that!" James protested.  "He was 18 when we met -- and let me tell you, he had been around the block a few times!  No way anybody can take my cock unless they're experienced."

Studio City, January 1987

In addition to his porn work, James worked on set design and painting, and did some acting.  He was working on Valerie and very much enjoying the view -- his ex who worked in casting filled every extra slot with a cute gay guy -- but he was still surprised when Jason Bateman, who was always surrounded by girls, approached with a cruisy smile.  After apprising that he was of legal age, James invited him out for coffee.

"Sure, I like girls," Jason said.  "Who doesn't?  But there's one thing I especially like that girls can't give me.  Unless they use one of those gross plastic strap-ons.  Nothing like the real thing."

Mr. Big started to stir in James' pants.  Jason reached down and cupped it.

"So you're into Greek [anal]?"  James asked. "That's not safe these days.  How about French [oral]?"

"I can get a girl to do that," Jason said with a shrug.

So James put a condom on Mr. Big, threw the tall, slim Jason's legs over his head, and topped him -- his first anal in three years!  Jason was tight, and for all his bragging, had never had 8.5 inches before -- but after some initial pain, he got into it.  James worked slowly, trying to make it last --  and he knew how!  Jason had an orgasm about halfway through without even touching himself.

They dated for about six weeks.  James knew, on some level, that Jason was just interested in him for his cock -- he never spent the night, he would barely kiss, he would barely cuddle.  He was seeing other people, guys and girls both.But James didn't care -- it was a real relationship, a romance.

He left little gifts in Jason's dressing room.  He caught himself humming show tunes as he drove to the studio every day ("Strange, dear, but true, dear, when I'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky...").  One night he even said "I love you."

That was too heavy for a closeted 18-year old. He gave James the old "It's not you, it's me" speech, said "I hope we can still be friends."

At that moment Alan and Peter came in, so I pulled James into a long, boozy kiss.  I took him home and went down on him -- well, it was big, and a penis can't stink of cigarettes and booze. -- but didn't take him up on his offer of anal -- or of attending his ex boyfriend's party.

Was  James Telling the Truth?

1. I have heard no other dating or hookup stories involving Jason Bateman, except for one that's really about Elijah Wood.

2. Jason has only been linked with a few women.  He married Amanda Anka in 2001.

3. He has played several gay characters, and is perfectly comfortable "pretending" to be gay.

James may have been telling the story to convince me to do anal, but then what would have happened if I agreed to go to the party?

See also: My Celebrity Boyfriend