Thursday, October 13, 2016

Infinite Chazz Hooks Up with Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Washington, DC, April 15th, 1995

I'm in Washington DC, visiting my old friend Alan for the week before Easter and Passover. My partner Lane calls, like he does every day,  and Infinite Chazz gets on the phone.

"You'll never believe this! Last night I was dumped!"

"That is hard to believe!"  I exclaim.  "You're never rejected.  You just walk up to the guy, flash your patented smile, and he's writing down his phone number!"

Infinite Chazz is 21 years old, a student at Cal State Fullerton, called "Infinite" not only because of his enormous Mortadella, but because he's infinitely attractive, sure to cause jaw-dropping stares in every man who comes within five feet of him.  He drives up every couple of weeks, to "share" and make the guys at the synagogue or MCC die of envy.

"Not this time.  And you'll never guess who dumped me."

"Jerry O'Connell?" I joke.  The star of Sliders was the prime time hunk du jour.

"Close.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar."

"What?  Are you sure?  Is this a fantasy?"

"I wish!  I'm still smarting from the rejection."

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (left) was the teen-dream star of Saved by the Bell (1988-1994), Zack Morris, the constantly-in-trouble operator of Bayside High.  Every gay boy in the country had his pin-up on his bedroom wall; most realized that they were gay watching the buddy-bonding romance between Zack and Mario Lopez's Slater (right)

"I'm not saying he's not hot," I tell Chazz, "Or that he's not a nice guy, but he's never had any gay rumors, that I know of.  He's a hetero horndog, dating every supermodel he sees."

 Indeed, his character Zack Morris screams heterosexual privilege, someone who absolutely assumes the universality of heterosexual desire, who is absolutely convinced that gay people do not exist.

"Well, last night, he made two exceptions.  Me, and the guy he dumped me for."





West Hollywood, April 14th

Chazz was in West Hollywood keeping Lane company.  On the Friday before Passover, Lane was tired, so Chazz went out by himself, promising to bring someone home to "share."

He went to the evening service at Beth Chaim Chadashim, the gay synagogue, and a meeting place for West Hollywood's gay Jewish community.  Although he wasn't Jewish, he had visited often enough that all the regulars knew him.

At the refreshment table after the service, he was drawn to a new guy, strikingly tall, with dirty blond hair, a rarity at the synagogue.  When he got closer, he saw that it was Mark-Paul Gosselaar, his teenage crush!

"Mr. Gosselaar, I love you...I mean, I love your work!"  Chazz gushed, shaking his hand. "I have the entire Saved by the Bell series on VHS."

Usually gushing at a celebrity turns him off, but MP smiled broadly, with that Zack Morris smile that brought teenage boys to their knees.  "Call me MP.  Yeah, Saved by the Bell was lots of fun, but I'm anxious to move on to adult roles.  I'm doing a Misery thing right now about a football jock kidnapped by an unpopular girl."

"Sounds great -- I can't wait to see it."  Chazz noticed that they were still shaking hands, and began to get aroused.  "So, I didn't know you were Jewish."  And gay.

"I have Jewish roots on my mother's side, so when I heard that there was a gay synagogue in town, I had to come and give it a look."

"What's your expert opinion?"

"I need to do more research," MP said, touching Chazz's chest.  "Really get to know gay Jewish boys, see what they're like inside, examine them up and...down."  He looked down at Chazz's crotch.

Chazz didn't need any more prompting.  He invited MP home to "share" with Lane, but MP wanted to see "gay nightlife."  So they went to the Rage, the twink dance club.

They danced, and kissed, and groped each other.  

"How big was he?" I ask.

"Average sized, maybe a little smaller.  I didn't care. I would have gone down on him right there at the Rage, if he suggested it."

"Did you see it?"

"No, but I saw the tenting, and felt it through his pants."

Then the Other Man showed up. 

They were all dancing in a mass, so Chazz didn't even notice when MP moved to the side and faced the Other Man -- Asian, tall, slim, black-haired, with very tight jeans and some socks shoved in to give him a bulge.    

Then they were blatantly facing each other.  Grinning.  Eyes smoldering.

MP was cruising another guy, while on a date with him!  Unheard of in the gay community!

Thinking fast, Chazz said "I'm tired -- let's go get a drink," and walked off the dance floor.  MP didn't follow.

He went to the bar, got a bottle of beer, and brought it to MP -- who said "thanks" without ever taking his eyes off the Other Man.

Chazz grabbed his shoulder.  "I'm ready to go home."

"Ok," MP said.  "It was nice meeting you."

"I mean with you..." Chazz said desperately.  "Or both of you, together.  I have a place..." 

"I don't know...I'm sort of shy." MP reached out to grab the Other Man and kiss him passionately.

Chazz was furious.  He was never rejected, and certainly not in the middle of the date!  He looked around for another guy to make MP jealous, and stuck up a conversation with a cute black twink.  But when he looked around, MP was gone.

Seething with rage, aching with rejection, Chazz drove home, and cried in Lane's arms.


Was Chazz Telling the Truth?

In April 1995, Mark-Paul Gosselaar was 21 years old, and working on Twisted Love, a Misery rip-off set in a high school. He does have Jewish roots, but his hair is black, not dirty-blond -- it was dyed for Saved by the Bell. 

Penis size: About halfway through Dead Man on Campus, his character is making out with a girl in bed, and he gets aroused in real life.  You have to zoom in to see it; at least a Bratwurst, somewhat bigger than what Chazz described.

But I haven't heard any gay rumors about him.  I suspect that Chazz took an "innocent" meeting and added some details about kissing and groping.

But why make it into a story of a painful rejection?  

4 comments:

  1. I tried not to make Mark-Paul Gosselaar too much of a jerk, but it was hard to avoid, since I just got one side of the story. Maybe there was less groping and kissing going on than Chazz claimed, but still, it's extremely rude to dump someone in the middle of a date.

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  2. Maybe Mark-Paul took Chazz to a straight club, and dumped him for a girl. No gay guy in West Hollywood would ever admit to going to straight clubs, so Chazz would have changed the story to the Rage. Then, of course, he had to change the girl to a boy.

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  3. A Texas quote. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story".

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