Friday, September 16, 2016
Three Unscreened Hookups on the Same Night
Plains, September 2016
You're probably wondering why I've been posting so many bereavement stories. This was a bad summer for people I know getting sick and passing away. Other guys eat when they're upset. I hook up.
So earlier this week I got on Grindr, put up a photo of my chest, said "Free tonight," and specified in my profile "Kissing, cuddling, and oral essential."
I was not in the mood to screen them carefully -- I just wanted someone in my bed to kiss and cuddle with. So I did minimal screening, not worrying about age or size, rejecting only the downlow, 420-friendly (marijuana smokers), and "top me, Daddy!" After that, the first three guys who asked got an invitation, scheduled at 6:00, 7:00, and 8:00 pm.
Jarheads are Marines, right?
He wasn't a Marine, and he wasn't 28 -- more like 68-- a chubby, hairy Grandpa.
Nothing wrong with a Grandpa, but why would you knock 40 years off your profile? What if the guy you meets is not into older?
Turns out when he said he was into kissing, he just meant kissing on the body, not kissing on the mouth. What kind of grade school dissimulation is that? I sent him on his way.
Well, he was tall and black, and in his 20s. But very husky, even fat, not muscular at all. With a gross nose ring.
And not into kissing and cuddling. He wanted a blow-and-go.
What the heck -- he had a nice sized penis, a very thick 6" (everybody adds an inch), and I hadn't been with a black guy for awhile.
So I went down on him while he was sitting on a chair in my living room. He forcibly pushed my head down onto his penis to take his load, and then said "thanks" and left.
8:00: Romeo, age 28, hairy, bearded, Hispanic, 8", totally into kissing and oral.
Guys push their age up in online profiles, too -- Romeo was only about 21, with a tiny bit of chest hair and a sparse beard. Average sized uncut penis.
Not into kissing, yet again! He wanted me to top him. I refused. He asked to top me. I refused.
"What about oral?" I asked.
He wouldn't go down on me, but he grudgingly consented to let me go down on him.
And down. And down. And down.
My jaw got tired after about twenty minutes, and I asked him to finish himself. After twenty more minutes, he conceded that it wasn't happening. "I'm really just into anal," he admitted on his way out.
9:00: I showered, changed clothes, and went down the hall to knock on the door of my mentally disabled neighbor, Timmy, who I had a date with last month.
"Hi, Boomer!" he said. "I'm watching tv."
"Austin and Ally. It has singing." A Disney channel teencom.
"Can I watch with you? We can cuddle and kiss."
At least I knew that Timmy was into kissing. And underwear stuff.
See: Don't Be Nervous: My Date with My Mentally Disabled Neighbor