10 Pressing Questions about Hookup Apps

Hookup apps like Grinder, Scruff, and Adam4Adam are quick and easy; put up a profile, sit back, and wait for guys to message you (typically with "Hi").  A few minute's conversation, and he's on his way to your apartment.  Usually he's only a mile or two away, so time between logging on and the knock on your door: 30 minutes.

At least, that's optimal. More likely, the profiles are idiotic, the conversations are masterpieces of evasion, and when you cut through all the bs and get him to agree to show up, he notices someone mowing their lawn down the block and chickens out in a fit of "downlow" paranoia ("what if he recognizes me, and tells my wife?").

Here my top 10 questions to hookup app posters:

1. Why use a sunset, a mountain, fireworks, your pet dog. or anything other than your face and physique as a profile photo?  We want to see what you look like, not what a sunset looks like.

2. What's the point of the doggy ears and snout?  It blocks your face and looks gross.  Most guys on these apps are not into bestiality.

3. Why use a picture of you with your wife, girlfriend, or female bff?  To demonstrate that you're really heterosexual?  Believe me, that's not a point in your favor. 

4. Can't you think of any interests more specific than "I enjoy living life to its fullest" or "I like to have a good time"?

5. Where did you get the idea that saying "Hit me up.  I don't bite -- unless you ask nicely" is clever? Our reason for not approaching you has nothing to do with a fear of biting. 

6. Did you really think you would get a lot of responses by recounting detailed, specialized fetishes like "I want someone to tie me up with ladies' garters, put a bird cage on my head, and force me to sing the theme song to The Patty Duke Show.'"  Leave the fetishes to the fetish sites.

7. Do you think you will attract more guys with a long list of types that you find repulsive?  "No femmes, fats, queens, no one over 30, no one who belongs to a racial minority..."  Even the white Aryan gym rat twinks you are looking for will be turned off by your negativity.

8.  What makes you think that everyone is into anal?  People are into oral, anal, interfemoral, mutual masturbation, and who knows what else?

9. What makes you think that complaining about the men on this app will make you attractive to men on this app?  "You're all boring, superficial, shallow, sex-obsessed jerks.  Who wants to have sex with me?"

10.  Why bring up your (real or imagined) cock size?  No one cares.  An attractive face and physique can make up for the daintiest of members, and even a footlong cannot redeem a sleazoid.  Don't ask, don't tell.