Sunday, November 6, 2016
10 Election Night Hookups
But when I grew up, my political interests ended altogether. Politicians seemed to be competing to see who could express the most homophobic hatred. Why bother to support candidates where the choices were "I promise to keep your children safe from homo recruitment!" and "I promise to keep homos from shoving their sick lifestyles down your throats!"?
I still voted in most presidential elections, if I could figure out which candidate hated us the least. And, to assuage my feeling of persecution and victimization, I started a tradition of Election Night Hookups.
1. Professor Burton. November 4, 1980. The first time I was able to vote: my junior year at Augustana College. After voting, I had dinner with Professor Burton, a husky bear in his 40s who taught geology. I went down on him in the living room, while he was watching election returns.
Results: "Gay menace" Ronald Reagan enjoyed a landslide victory over the only mildly homophobic Jimmy Carter and John Anderson.
2. Dan the Chain Smoker. November 6, 1984. During my horrible, depressing year in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas. After voting I hooked up with a guy named Dan: in his 30s, short, slim, bearded, smoked constantly. I had an ash tray in my apartment, but instead he used a damp napkin on a saucer. Nice sized Bratwurst, though.
Results: "Gay menace" Ronald Reagan got 58% of the popular vote over Walter Mondale, who, when asked to say something about gay people at a campaign stop, angrily walked off stage.
3. Turning Japanese. November 8, 1988. Depressed over my doctoral dissertation, broke, lacking a boyfriend, I paid no attention to the presidential race, and didn't vote. I went to Mugi, the gay Asian bar. A Romanian twink named Stash approached and asked where in Asia I was from. I don't know why -- I don't look at all Asian. For some reason I told him "Japan" and had to go with that through our entire first date.
Results: George Bush, Reagan's vice president of homophobia, beat out Michael Dukakis, who hated gay people and was a fierce opponent of gay adoption.
4. Alan's Ex. November 3rd, 1992. After we voted, Lane and I went to an Election Night Party held by the Stonewall Democrats, and ended up going home with Alan's ex-boyfriend, who, like Alan, was an ex-porn star.
Results: Bill Clinton, the first candidate to mention gay rights (he promised to end the military ban on gay people), got 72% of the gay vote and 43% of the heterosexual vote, beating out George Bush.
6. I Break Every Rule of Gay Cruising: November 7th, 2000. In New York, I lived within easy walking distance of about 20 gay bars, but I rarely went cruising. But on the night of November 7th, I was depressed, so I went to the Eagle, broke every rule of gay cruising, and ended up somewhere in New Jersey with Jorge, and having to sneak out of his parents' house in the morning with no idea how to get home again.
Results: George W. Bush, who hated us even more than his Dad, or Al Gore, who just thought we were second class citizens? Gore won the popular vote, but Bush got the electoral vote.
7. November 2nd, 2004. I was living in Florida with Barney and Yuri. No hookup.
Results: George W. Bush beat out John Kerry for another term with 50.7% of the popular votes. I was so worried about round-ups and concentration camps that started applying for jobs outside the U.S., planning an escape.
8. The Bathhouse Bonanza. November 4th, 2008. I was living in Upstate New York. On the night of November 4th, I drove down to Albany and went to the River Club, a small bathhouse. I usually didn't have much luck there, but tonight for some reason I was absurdly popular, accepted by everyone I approached.
Results: Barack Obama and John McCain were both against gay marriage, but Obama vowed to support gay rights, and McCain said there was no anti-gay discrimination in the U.S. Obama got 53% of popular votes.
Results: Barack Obama, who had now changed his mind and favored gay marriage, got 51% of the popular votes, beating Mitt Romney, who was still against it.
I invited Monster Cock, aka Brandon, over for a homemade vegetarian pizza and election returns. This will was first time voting.
Coincidentally, he might become a geologist, like Dr. Burton, my first Election Day Hookup.
Results: We sat there open-mouthed, speechless as the Der Fuhrer stormed through all of the swing states. Then I was too upset to do anything in bed. He still wanted to. Not the best second date!
See also: The Boy at the Urinal with the Kovbasa++++