When I was in Baltimore last week, I was staying right in the conference hotel. What would be easier than bringing somebody up during my hour or two between sessions, or in the evening?
Easier said than done.
Friday night, the last night of my trip.
6:00 pm: I go on Grindr. Back home I get inundated with hookup requests within minutes. Here, nothing.
6:15 pm. I take a new shirtless photo to post. Maybe that will help.
6:45 pm. Guys start to approach me, but they're not visitors staying in any of the dozen hotels in the area. They're all locals.
7:30 pm. I settle on Alix, age 35, slim, Asian, in the medical profession, with a very provocative selfie. He lives in Cold Springs, about six miles away, so it will take about half an hour to get here.
8:00 pm. In this hotel, you have to have a guest room key card to go up the elevator. So we agree that Alix will text me when he arrives, and I'll go down and get him.
8:15 pm. I'm still waiting. While I wait, I chat with other guys.
8:30 pm. I go downstairs and look. I text him "Ok, you're a no show."
I invite another guy on my list. Rob, also in his 30s, bearded, hairy, muscular, Middle Eastern-looking, with a job in finance and another very provocative selfie.
"I live in Glen Burnie, about 10 miles away," Rob says. "So, with traffic and parking, plan on it taking an hour for me to get there."
"Great! I'll see you at 9:30 pm."
8:45 pm. Alix texts. He's downstairs. He was delayed.
What do I do now? Cancel with Alix? He's already here. Cancel with Rob? He's on the way.
I go down and get Alix, hoping for a quick, half hour hookup, and out the door before Rob arrived.
Alix has a nice physique and an exceptionally large Kielbasa beneath the belt, but he doesn't want to kiss or do oral. He wants to top me, but I don't have any condoms. So I go down on him, while he moans "I want to f*** you, I want to f**** you."
9:15 pm. We're finished. He holds me in his arms so tightly that it hurts, and starts talking.
How can I get him out of here?
Embarrassed, I tell Alix, "I thought you were a no-show, so I invited another guy over."
He says, "Well, invite him up! The more the merrier."
I go into the lobby, pick up Rob, and bring him upstairs. I tell him, "Pay no attention to the naked man in the bed."
"Oh, is this your roommate?" Rob asks.
"Hookup from earlier in the evening," I admit. "But I'll kick him out if you'd rather have a one-on-one."
He looks at Alix. Alix smiles.
"No, this is fine." He quickly takes off his clothes, climbs onto the bed, and takes Alix in his arms.
Wait, Alix didn't want to kiss me, but he'll kiss Rob?
I go down on Rob while they're busy. Alix murmurs "I want to f*** you, I want to f**** you."
Fortunately, Rob brought condoms.
At least I get to kiss Rob while Alix is working.
Afterwards they seem to fall asleep in each other's arms. At least I get some cuddling.
I wake them up. "Um...it's been fun, but one of you has to leave."
They both get dressed and leave. Together.
Which, I suppose, make sense. Alix and Rob live close enough to date, whereas I'm getting on a plane tomorrow and flying away.
Still, I hadn't planned to be a match-maker! Besides, I didn't get a chance to do much. I'm still in the mood.
It's against the rules of cruising to hook up with more than one guy in an evening, but....
10:45 pm. I invite a third guy over. Christian, a Johns Hopkins student, 20 years old, with an athletic physique, and again, a very nice selfie. Looks like he has a Kielbasa beneath the belt -- they make them big in Baltimore.
Just as we finalize the hookup, he says "Do you mind if I bring my boyfriend? He's into older guys, too."
See also: The 20 Most Beautiful Men in the World; My Most Embarrassing Hookup; My Saturday Night Special