Hooking Up with only a Sausage Picture

Plains, March 2016

Last week I was sick with the stomach flu, and spent 3 days in my apartment, binge watching Fargo and eating toast.  On the 4th day I was well enough to go back to the gym, lift weights, and have lunch in a restaurant.  On the 5th day I was anxious to get out and jog and see the world again, but I woke up to 3 inches of snow on the ground.  On March 1st.

I couldn't run in this!  I couldn't even go out!  My hiking shoes were in the office.  I'd be sliding all over.

Another day in the apartment.  The wall were starting to close in.

Who can get bored, with a computer?  You can walk the streets of Budapest on Google Maps, take a virtual tour of the Guggenheim, see all the ancient cuneiform tablets ever dug up, translate Armenian into Dutch, watch youtube videos about the World's Worst Cartoons, research your great-grandmother's family tree, read old comics from 1896 New York World, and download as many pictures of naked guys as your hard drive can hold.

Well, I was getting heartily bored.

Time for a boredom-hookup.

I went onto a KIK group that my ex-student Eli told me about.  Very basic profile, a name and an icon, typically your penis.  No face, no height and weight, no profile describing your personality and listing your favorite music groups.  Of course, you can ask all that during chat, but what if you didn't?

Could you choose a favorable hookup just on the basis of his penis?

Here are the pics of the 8 guys online and looking for hookups.  Which 4 would you choose?





























I eliminated 2, 3, 4, and 7

2.  Lying down, sleazy.
3.  Close up, probably trying to hide the size, odd coloration.
4.  The penis is fine, but not the hand attached, or the glimpse of feminine underwear.
7.  Nicely curved, but very pasty legs, not very athletic.

That left:

1. Small, shaved, probably gay (bi guys don't usually shave there).
5.  Thick legs, must be a chubby bear.
6.  T-shirt and blue shorts visible, probably older.
8. Completely nude, hint of muscle. Bodybuilder.

Did my predictions match the guy who walked through the door?

1. Yes. A handsome, bearded guy in his 30s with a tight physique, a hairy chest.  Average sized, but very easily aroused.  Into kissing and oral.

5.  No.  Not chubby at all, a slim businessman on his lunch break, with glasses and curly black hair.  He wouldn't take his shirt off.  Oral bottom.  Dud.

6. No. Not older!  A Cute Young Thing taking a smartphone photo in his parents' bathroom.  I had to card him to make sure he was legal.  Very fey, with that world-weary, jaded look guys get when they grow up with constant homophobic harassment. Bratwurst.  Dud.

8. Yes.  Jackpot!  Smooth, muscular collegiate jock with a baby face, nice biceps, and an uncut Bratwurst.  Into kissing and oral.

I was wrong on almost all counts, and only got a 50% positive hookup rate by sheer chance.

Apparently you need more than a sausage pic to ensure a positive hookup.

Later I went back and asked for the photos of the guys I didn't choose.

More after the break

2. Very big, interesting dreadlocks and beard.  He would have been fun.

3. Pasty, weird beard, odd psycho look.  Scary.

4.  Very big, but way too feminine face, odd hair, and is that a tattoo on his crotch?  He wouldn't get through the front door.

7.   Nice curved penis, but he has a raccoon on his head and a strange, dazed look.  A little scary.

Maybe I'll invite #2 over tomorrow.

See also: The Hookup Contest.