Saturday, June 9, 2018

Our Hook Up with Brad Pitt

San Francisco, August 1996

One night late in August 1996, I invited my new friend David and Corbin, the gym rat from Oakland, to dinner at Thai Thai.  I intended to fix them up, of course, but I also planned to "share" Corbin's awe-inspiring Mortadella.

Corbin was late.  We were about to order without him when he came bursting in, giddy and excited. "I brought someone -- I hope you don't mind.  He's out looking for a parking space."

Actually, I did. If  Corbin brought a date, we would be divided into two couples, and no Mortadella+ for me.  But I said "No, not at all.  By the way, this is David.  He's new to San Francisco, from redneck Bible Belt Arkansas."

"It's not that bad!" David exclaimed.  "Is your date hot?"

"Is he hot!"  He sat and took David's arm.  "Out parking the car right now is none other than Brad Pitt!"

The hottest actor in Hollywood?  The star of Thelma and Louise, and Johnny Suede, and A River Runs Through It?  And Interview with the Vampire, where he and Tom Cruise played a gay vampire couple?  Sure, he always had a lady on his arm, but he must be bisexual -- straight men just don't get abs like that!

"How did you..."  I asked.

"I stopped in at the gym before coming here.  Just walking down Market, and there he was!  Everybody was staring, and a guy stopped and asked him for his autograph -- he refused.  But I played it cool, like you told me you did in West Hollywood.  I pretended I didn't even know who he was."

In West Hollywood, when we encountered big stars, we pretended not to recognize them.  No fawning, no gushing, no autograph requests.  We approached, or let him approach, as if he was just another hot guy.

But San Francisco had no movie and tv studios, no actor population, so celebrities appeared only when they were visiting, or starring in something on stage.  And most residents moved directly from homophobic small towns, so they never developed big city nonchalance.  So apparently they fawned and gushed and stammered, and called all their friends.  It took a studied indifference to incite Brad Pitt's interest.

"So we talked, and before you know it, he agreed to come to dinner with us."

"Ok," I told David.  "So the key to dealing with celebrities is, don't scare them off.  Don't discuss their movie career unless they bring it up.  Don't ask which celebrities are gay.  Stick to coming out stories and the biggest penis you've ever seen."

Brad arrived just in time to hear me say that, but he remained nonchalant, grinning broadly as he shook our hands.

He was about my height, lanky, with a sharp chin, deep blue eyes, long scruffy hair, almost exactly like this photo of Brad Pitt at the Golden Globes in 1996, except cleanshaven.

He sat and put his arm around the back of Corbin's chair.  "Nice to meet you all.  San Francisco is such a great city, and the guys are super-hot.  I wish I could visit more often."

"I loved Interview with a Vampire!" David blurted out, starstruck.

"Yeah.  You know, I met Anne Rice, at a book signing in Boston.  She told me that she always intended the character of Louis to be gay all along."  

This seemed strange.  He met Anne Rice at a book signing?  Wouldn't she have been on the set?  Wouldn't she have discussed her character with the actor portraying him?

But maybe she didn't.

For the rest of the dinner, we avoided talking about movies.  Instead we discussed the joys and problems of living in Gay Heaven, then growing up fundamentalist (Brad and David both grew up in Southern Baptist households, in Oklahoma and Arkansas, respectively).

Then we discussed the gay pride celebrations and other gay festivals in San Francisco.  Brad told us that in 1987, when he was 18, he marched in the very first gay pride parade in Oklahoma City.

Brad and Corbin held hands under the table, but I also saw a few brushes of Corbin's leg against David's, and Brad occasionally reached over and groped me.  A good sign that we weren't dividing into two couples.  Before the night was over, I would definitely be experiencing a Corbin Mortadella and a Brad Pitt Kovbasa+++.

Sure enough, after dinner David invited us back to his apartment on Waller, just off Haight, for "dessert."

He served three-day old cookies that no one touched.  Instead Corbin and Brad sat on the couch, kissing, while David went down on Corbin.

I pulled Brad over and kissed him and unbuttoned his shirt.  He had six-pack abs, hard and smooth, tight muscled, the stuff of legend in gay communities ever since he flashed them in Thelma and Louise.

Brad tried to push my head down onto his crotch, but I resisted.  Later -- I'd gone down on lots of guys.  I'd never have the opportunity to feel abs like that again!

We went into the bedroom, where I went down on Brad while he went down on Corbin and David at the same time.  Definitely a monster, a Kielbasa, cut, with a mushroom head.  He finished in a few minutes, but almost instantly sprang up, ready for more.  Then David pulled out a condom and topped Brad while he was going down on me.

Spending the night after "sharing" is usually obligatory, but David's small bed wouldn't hold four, and Brad had to get to the airport early in the morning, so he left -- without giving us his phone number.

David, Corbin, and I added "a four-way with Brad Pitt" to our repertoire of celebrity dating stories.

For about a year.

Then leaked photos of the nude Brad Pitt appeared in Playgirl and on the internet.  The same abs to die for.  But beneath the belt -- average, at best, nothing like the Kielbasa I went down on in San Francisco.

The guy we hooked up looked remarkably like Brad Pitt.  He certainly knew that we thought he was, and was enjoying every minute of the attention.  But he never actually said he was.  If we knew more biographical details, we would have realized that Brad Pitt grew up in Missouri, not Oklahoma, and in 1987 he was 23 years old and already living in Los Angeles, not 18 and going to Oklahoma City Gay Pride Parades.

I think the Brad Pitt lookalike was using the resemblance as a street cruising gimmick.

Oh, well -- if it gets me remarkable abs and a cut Kielbasa with a mushroom head, I don't care if he pretends to be Napoleon.

See also: Will and Scott have a wild night with Keanu Reeves; Corbin's Choice; and Which Celebrity Dating Story Should David Use?


  1. Brad Pitt was born in Shawnee, Oklahoma, but grew up in Springfield, Missouri. He attended the University of Missouri, and moved to Los Angeles in May 1987.

  2. When you got to his size, I was like, there's a nude photo. It was a huge deal at the time.

    Are Southern Baptists officially fundamentalists? I thought they were just "that church that seceded over slavery and has been on the wrong side of history ever since".

    I have to say, it's a mixed bag in every state. Just some have more nuts than others.

    1. You can define "fundamentalist" as extremely conservative, Biblical literalist, or believing in the five "fundamentalst" of traditional Christianity (the Virgin Birth, the Resurrection, Heaven and Hell, and so on). Southern Baptists count as fundamentalists in all definitions. About 90% are Biblical literalists.



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