In search of celebrity dating and hookup stories, I've been asking all the gay men I know, with little luck. But I got a good one last night, from of all places, Ryan H., the college track star I met two weeks ago while driving through small-town Illinois on the way back from a funeral.
Last night we were chatting on Facebook's instant messenger:
Ryan: I have one for you. Me and Harry Styles.
Me: For real, or a fantasy?
Ryan: Real. Summer before last.
I quickly wikipedia Harry Styles. Born 1994, member of the boy band One Direction from 2011 to 2015, five albums, five Brit Awards and four MTV Music Video Awards, "Live While We're Young" hit #3 on the U.S. charts, and "Best Song Ever" #2. Just signed with Columbia as a solo artist.
Google images shows Harry at several points in his life. Rather cute in One Direction, but now he has androgynous long hair and a body-full of gross tattoos.
Me: So summer of 2015. You were...17? Ryan: Right. Just after my junior year in high school.
Me: So how did you meet Harry Styles in your small town in Illinois?
Ryan: No, LOL, it was in Indianapolis [two hours away]. My family goes down for the weekend several times a year. We go to a Pacers game or a concert, go to the Children's Museum, that sort of thing. Well, this time my friend Sam came along, and there were so many of us that we got our own hotel room.
Me: Were you and Sam a couple?
Ryan: Sam? LOL. He's a year younger than me, and straight! I just like older guys. But he's a sweetheart, my cuddly bae. So we had it all planned out. After they were all in bed, I snuck out -- Sam covered for me, right -- and I walked about seven blocks to the Metro [a gay club on Massachusetts Avenue].
Me: You got in ok?
Ryan: I had a fake id, and besides, look at me! I've been flashing a smile to get whatever I want since I was little.
Me: Well, you are rather cute.
Me: Planning to steal the Silver Fox away?
Ryan: I don't know. I thought maybe a three-some -- I never had one of those before. So I flash my smile, and Silver Fox gets that dopey grin -- the one you got when you saw me, right? And the guy he's with looks a little jealous. And I see it's Harry Styles from One Direction. I was never a big fan, but every girl in school was into him, so I recognized him instantly.
Me: What was Harry Styles doing in Indianapolis?
Ryan: I didn't ask. I pretended I didn't even know who he was.
[A quick look at One Directions' website reveals a concert in Indianapolis on July 31st, 2015.]
Me: Did Silver Fox invite the two of you home?
Ryan: We went to the Sheraton -- the same hotel my family was staying in! So we waste no time -- the minute we get inside, Silver Fox and Harry start kissing. I unzip Silver Fox and -- OMFG! #Hung to his knees #Super-stud. Almost as big as you. Can I see a cock pic?
[I send him one.]
Ryan: Hot! So I go down on the Silver Fox -- I'm really, really good at oral, by the way. My mouth and tongue are legendary. I unzip Harry, too, and go down on him to be polite.
Ryan: Kind of small, but nice anyway. Very firm. When you tell the story, make him a Mortadella, ok?
Me: Ok.
[This bulge pic suggests a probable Bratwurst]
Ryan: Anyway, I decide I want some kissing action -- so I stand up and try to kiss them both at the same time, you know. But they ignore me, strip off their clothes, and Daddy turns Harry over onto his stomach and starts topping him. I take off my clothes and sort of hang around. Daddy reaches out and gives me a feel. Come on, I have the biggest cock in Champaign County. I deserve more than that!
Me: Then what happened?
Ryan: I kind of kneel over Harry, and he tries to go down on me. But it's a weird position, and he gags. So I kiss him while he's being topped by the Silver Fox. Really nice, by the way. Are you into kissing?
Me: Sure, I love kissing.
Ryan: I can't wait until Christmas. I want to spend Christmas Eve on the couch with you, wearing fuzzy sweaters, drinking eggnog and cuddling and kissing.
Me: Sounds great. So, what happened next?
Ryan: Nothing much. I kind of crawled under Harry and went down on him while he was being topped. Then Daddy finishes with a gigantic roar and goes into the bathroom to wipe off. I keep going down on Harry, but he pushes me away and goes into the bathroom, too. I figure he's going to pee and will be back in a few minutes. Then I hear the shower going -- Silver Fox and Harry are taking a shower together, leaving me alone on the bed, aroused, all by myself!Me: Not cool.
Ryan: I mean, I think I'm pretty hot, don't you? And I have a gigantic cock. Why weren't they into me?
Me: I don't know. I'm into you.
Ryan: So I got out of there and went down to the fifth floor to my room, and sort of started crying in Sam's arms. #Miserable. #Jealous.
Me: Not a positive experience?
Ryan: Not at all! I'd rather have the guy all to myself. I want to take my time, kiss him, fondle him, get to know him. And cuddle! If you don't spend the night, what's the point?
Me: I hear that.
Ryan: I can't wait until Christmas. There'll be a package for you to open under the tree. [Sends me a selfie, aroused.]
Harry Styles was in Indianapolis in the summer of 2015, and he has been the subject of gay rumors, but there's no evidence that he's into older guys, or is in the habit of hooking up with random strangers in bars.
Ryan's story was obviously a cautionary tale about what to do and not to do on our upcoming Christmas date, and an attempt to pique my interest with references to his penis size, proficiency at oral sex, and attractiveness to men. But he could have used any sexual experience -- why invent a liaison with Harry Styles, who I don't find attractive in the least?
Unless he really did have a three way with Harry Styles and a Silver Fox the summer after his junior year in high school.
See also: Picking Up a College Track Star; West Hollywood Stories of Dating and Hookups with Celebrities; My Christmas Date with the College Track Star.
Sorry, I've been calling the boy band star "Ryan Styles." That's the comedian who was on "Drew Carey" and "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" The boy band star is Harry Styles.
ReplyDeleteRyan's more my type, so that would've made for a hotter story.
ReplyDeleteNo one I know has mentioned dating or hooking up with Ryan Styles, so he's out until I hear one. I have a rule about not making these stories up.
Delete