In the spring of 2008, when my temporary visiting position at the University of Dayton was winding down, I applied for about 50 academic jobs. Most were in or near gay neighborhoods, but I also applied to some in places that would be interesting to visit.
A free trip to some exotic locale, a guided tour of the city, free meals in the best restaurants. And who knows? Maybe I would like it so much that I would take the job.
So I applied to the University of Alaska at Fairbanks,
I always keep a scorecard of pros and cons, to decide whether to take the job, if I get the offer.
Fairbanks Pros
You can see the aurora borealis. 5 points
The University has a gay student group. 5 points
The Museum of the North. 5 points.
My office would have a window. 10 points (you'd be surprised how important this is).
The University offers classes in Yupik, Inupiaq, and Tlingit. 10 points
10% of the population is Native American, and 10% Hispanic. 10 points
There are 14 Thai restaurants. 10 points
Total Pros: 50
Fairbanks Cons
It's low and flat, and very spread out, 32,000 people in 32 square miles -5 points.
It was 10 below zero degrees outside. -5 points.
In the 2004 presidential election, 61.5% of Fairbanks voted Republican. -10 points.
The governor of Alaska was wack job Sarah Palin. -10 points
The university had no wrestling or male swim teams. -10 points.
No gay bars, although I heard that the Palace Saloon was "gay" after 11:00 pm. -20 point.
I always keep a scorecard of pros and cons, to decide whether to take the job, if I get the offer.
You can see the aurora borealis. 5 points
The University has a gay student group. 5 points
The Museum of the North. 5 points.
My office would have a window. 10 points (you'd be surprised how important this is).
The University offers classes in Yupik, Inupiaq, and Tlingit. 10 points
10% of the population is Native American, and 10% Hispanic. 10 points
There are 14 Thai restaurants. 10 points
Total Pros: 50
It's low and flat, and very spread out, 32,000 people in 32 square miles -5 points.
It was 10 below zero degrees outside. -5 points.
In the 2004 presidential election, 61.5% of Fairbanks voted Republican. -10 points.
The governor of Alaska was wack job Sarah Palin. -10 points
The university had no wrestling or male swim teams. -10 points.
No gay bars, although I heard that the Palace Saloon was "gay" after 11:00 pm. -20 point.
The nearest gay neighborhood was in Seattle, 3 1/2 hours away by plane. -20 points
Total cons: -80.
Grand total: -30. Not interested in that job.
I was on my own for dinner the second night. I tried to find a place within walking distance of the downtown Marriott (which, in 10 below zero weather, means two blocks).
All I could find was Soapy Smith's Old Tyme Restaurant and the Cafe de Paris.
Ok, the Cafe de Paris.
When I got there, I found an ugly yellow space decorated by case after case of wine bottles.
I hate alcohol! I almost went to Soapy Smith's Old Tyme Restaurant instead, but it was too cold to trudge through downtown Fairbanks again.
So I sat down and looked at the menu.
Lobster, steak, chops. Nothing of interest. Did I go through a time warp into the 1950s?
No -- the cheapest item on the menu was $30.
I ordered two appetizers and a Diet Coke, which came watered down in a bar glass, with one of those little red straws and a cherry.
Figures.
It was quite early, so there were only a few people around. Hetero couples mostly. I felt out of place.
Grand total: -30. Not interested in that job.
I was on my own for dinner the second night. I tried to find a place within walking distance of the downtown Marriott (which, in 10 below zero weather, means two blocks).
Ok, the Cafe de Paris.
When I got there, I found an ugly yellow space decorated by case after case of wine bottles.
I hate alcohol! I almost went to Soapy Smith's Old Tyme Restaurant instead, but it was too cold to trudge through downtown Fairbanks again.
So I sat down and looked at the menu.
Lobster, steak, chops. Nothing of interest. Did I go through a time warp into the 1950s?
No -- the cheapest item on the menu was $30.
I ordered two appetizers and a Diet Coke, which came watered down in a bar glass, with one of those little red straws and a cherry.
Figures.
It was quite early, so there were only a few people around. Hetero couples mostly. I felt out of place.
After finishing, I said "no" to an expensive dessert and went to the restroom.
It had two urinals, very close togethr, with no barrier between them. The far one was in use: a tall, husky, dark-skinned guy, probably Native, in his 20s, with a round face and prominent cheekbones. I couldn't judge his physique under his sweater and heavy coat, but I got a good view of his penis.
Huge! He could barely wrap his hand around that garden hose, soft! It had to be a Kovbasa++++, a footlong, aroused!
I stood, trying not to stare, imagining going down on that monster. Were all Native men hung?
He finished, shook it a little, and turned to me, smiling, Kovbasa still in full view. He somehow managed to cram his penis back into his pants, zipped up, and squeezed past me to the sink to wash his hands.
"Not much room in here, is there?" Footlong said.
"No, not much room," I stammered.
Was he referring to the bathroom or to his pants?
When I finished and returned to the main room, Footlong was standing by a table, helping a young lady put her coat on. Our eyes met as they walked out into the night.
She was in for a surprise later! If Footlong was too much for her, I'd be happy to give it a try.
Pro: Sausage sighting of a huge Native guy: 100 points!
It had two urinals, very close togethr, with no barrier between them. The far one was in use: a tall, husky, dark-skinned guy, probably Native, in his 20s, with a round face and prominent cheekbones. I couldn't judge his physique under his sweater and heavy coat, but I got a good view of his penis.
Huge! He could barely wrap his hand around that garden hose, soft! It had to be a Kovbasa++++, a footlong, aroused!
I stood, trying not to stare, imagining going down on that monster. Were all Native men hung?
He finished, shook it a little, and turned to me, smiling, Kovbasa still in full view. He somehow managed to cram his penis back into his pants, zipped up, and squeezed past me to the sink to wash his hands.
"Not much room in here, is there?" Footlong said.
"No, not much room," I stammered.
Was he referring to the bathroom or to his pants?
When I finished and returned to the main room, Footlong was standing by a table, helping a young lady put her coat on. Our eyes met as they walked out into the night.
She was in for a surprise later! If Footlong was too much for her, I'd be happy to give it a try.
Pro: Sausage sighting of a huge Native guy: 100 points!
The travel-guide version of this story is on Small Town Beefcake
I'm just surprisat at how tall he was.
ReplyDeleteThere's something of a trend with Indians and height: Eastern Indians (Iroquois, Cherokee) tend to be taller, while western Indians tend to be shorter. Plains Indians tend to be the exception, northerners being much taller and southerners being shorter. This shortness trend continues south of the Rio Grande.)
Inuit men tend to be short and husky, but he must have been an exception.
DeleteI should point out, there are protocols with Indians. A lot of guys are "strictly top" or will limit themselves to oral or nonpenetrative acts, but in general are more willing to do things with other dudes. (Bottoming is basically seen as a surrender of manhood.) One factor is huge double standards over in Hetero Land.
ReplyDeleteI don't think he was actually cruising me;he just was commenting on my reluctance to take the other urinal.
DeleteMinus 2 points for failing to mention how big he was on the deli meat scale.
ReplyDeleteThis actually reminds me of a joke:
A gay guy from New York moved to San Francisco. While he was there, he fell in love with a guy named Paul, so he had Paul's name tattooed on his penis, but when he was soft, you could just say PL.
When he was on the way to visit his family, he stopped at a rest area in South Dakota. He saw an Indian at the urinal, and discreetly looked over. Uncut, but had a tattoo on his penis. It was, in the same font and everything, PL. So he asked "Pardon me, but are you gay?"
The Indian replied "Bi, strictly top. Why?"
The white man said "Are you dating a Paul? I mean, that tattoo..."
The Indian started silently masturbating until he had a full erection. He then removed his hand so the white guy could have a better view.
"PROUD LAKHOTA WARRIORS JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL"