In one of your stories, you said "I don't think 1930s film legend Jackie Coogan would tell his 12-year old grandson Keith Coogan, about the hookups of his youth."
Well, my Grandpa Sammy told me all about his hookups! He was born in 1922, but didn't come out until 1990, when his wife, my Grandma Lonny, died. After that, there was no stopping him -- he moved to Palm Springs, cruised in leather bars, went to bear parties, joined Gay and Grey clubs -- nonstop schmoozing and screwing. And whenever my boyfriend and I drove up from West Hollywood to visit, he told us the raunchiest stories about his youth.
Here's one about Milton Berle's penis.
[Comedian Milton Berle (1908-2002) was famous for two things:
1. Being the host of Texaco Star Theater, an early comedy-variety tv show (1948-1956) that everybody watched -- it was single-handedly responsible for selling 300,000 tv sets.
2. Having the biggest penis in Hollywood. It was so famous, it was even mentioned at his funeral.]
In the summer of 1939, Sammy was a high school student in Queens. Like many Jewish boys from the City, he worked summers in the Borscht Belt, the resorts of Sullivan Count, New York. He was an all-around athlete and a state tennis champ, so he landed a job as a tennis instructor and life guard at Grossinger's, the biggest and most elegant of the resorts:
35 buildings, indoor and outdoor pools, three restaurants, big name acts like Glenn Miller and George Burns.
And Milton Berle, the 30-year old comedian who had been playing the Borscht Belt since he was 15, plus appearing on the radio and in movies like Radio City Revels. He had a standup comedy act involving nonstop patter, joke after joke that had the audience rolling in the aisles. When they weren't gazing at him with that vacation-enhanced horniness -- he was goodlooking, well-built -- he filled out a swimsuit beautifully
Berle always had a girl or two on his arm, but Sammy still hoped he was queer, or at least open to late-night blow-jobs from his buddies. He cozied up to him, tried to drop subtle hints, but Berle got the wrong idea:
"There's plenty of skirts up here in the Catskills, Sammy, if you don't mind them a little on the plus side of 30. These dames have been dreaming of romance with the lifeguards all winter. With a little finesse, you can get an invite into a different bed every day."
Sammy had no interest in skirts on either side of 30, but, he figured, there must be plenty of swell fellas in the Catskills, too. Soon he had a profitable business, letting aging queens go down on him for $1 a pop. He could do it three times a day (taking Shabbat off), and make $18 per week. His regular job only paid $20!
No doubt the registrar at CUNY never realized that Sammy's tuition was paid with blow jobs.
Sammy served in Italy during the War, finished college, and went to work as an civil engineer. In 1947 he married a Catholic girl named Lonny, hoping that marriage would "cure" him of being queer. As it turns out, Lonny was rather adventurous, and had no problem with his proclivities -- as long as there was no "setting up housekeeping," he was free to schmooze and screw all he liked. Sometimes he even brought home tricks for them to "share."
Las Vegas, July 1971
As the years passed, Sammy saw Milton Berle on The Texaco Star Theater, and then doing guest spots on Dick Powell, F Troop, I Dream of Jeannie, Red Skelton, Jackie Gleason, Batman (my Dad was a big fan). He heard the stuff about Berle's schlong. Enormous! Gigantic! Phil Silvers saw it at the urinal and said "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you." Alan Zweibel got a look when Berle guest-starred on Saturday Night Live -- "an anaconda...a pepperoni."
He was upset that he never got a chance to see it during the summer of 1939 -- or better yet, feel it. Or better yet, go down on it.
In the summer of 1971, he saw that Berle was headlining at Caesar's Palace, so as a special 25th-anniversary present, he surprised Lonny with a trip to Las Vegas.
The 63 year old Berle wasn't quite as handsome as he used to be -- but who among us is? But he remembered Sammy from Grossinger's all those years ago, and invited him back to his suite for a drink.
"You ever take my advice, and go door to door banging the Geritol chicks?" Berle asked.
"No, no -- turns out I'm a one woman man," Sammy said. "I don't think I'm big enough to satisfy a multitude anyway. Not like you....hey, do you think I could get a peek?"
Berle shrugged and pulled it out of his pants. About 5" soft, and thick around.
"Hmm....not too bad. But I've seen bigger."
"On who, King Kong? You'll never see a bigger one, I guarantee."
"Well, maybe it's big. My eyes aren't so good these days. They play tricks. Do you mind if I feel it?"
Berle hesitated. "I don't get offers to do that, except from fairies. You're not a fairy, are you?"
"Like I told you, I'm a one-woman man."
"Ok...I guess you could take a grope. You're sure you're not a fairy? I don't want a fairy touching me there."
Sammy began to get angry. What happened to live and let live? Hadn't Berle ever heard of Gay Liberation? But he said "I swear I'm not a fairy" and wrapped his hand around the shaft. He jerked a couple of times.
"You know, my hands aren't so sensitive anymore. Better I should taste it." Before Berle had a chance to answer, he leaned down and ran his tongue over Berle's head.
"Ok, that's enough," Berle said, pushing him away. "Bigger than you thought, huh?"
"Not bad. Well, I should be going." Sammy stood and walked out of the room, but turned back and said "I had one boyfriend who was bigger. You should try it with a black guy sometime."
Berle's eyes widened as he realized that he had just been fondled and licked by a gay man.
Was Grandpa Sammy Telling the Truth?
Berle was apparently quite homophobic, even more than usual for men of his age. In 1999, a real estate company ran an old photo of Uncle Miltie in drag, with the caption that every queen needs a castle, and he promptly sued, reasoning that someone might see the ad and think he was gay. At the age of 91.
His "private joke file" contains a lot of homophobic jokes:
What do you call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy.
I'm not sure he would allow a same-sex fondle, even with a guy who he thought was straight
See also: Milton Berle: Television's First Drag Queen
And Milton Berle, the 30-year old comedian who had been playing the Borscht Belt since he was 15, plus appearing on the radio and in movies like Radio City Revels. He had a standup comedy act involving nonstop patter, joke after joke that had the audience rolling in the aisles. When they weren't gazing at him with that vacation-enhanced horniness -- he was goodlooking, well-built -- he filled out a swimsuit beautifully
Berle always had a girl or two on his arm, but Sammy still hoped he was queer, or at least open to late-night blow-jobs from his buddies. He cozied up to him, tried to drop subtle hints, but Berle got the wrong idea:
Sammy had no interest in skirts on either side of 30, but, he figured, there must be plenty of swell fellas in the Catskills, too. Soon he had a profitable business, letting aging queens go down on him for $1 a pop. He could do it three times a day (taking Shabbat off), and make $18 per week. His regular job only paid $20!
No doubt the registrar at CUNY never realized that Sammy's tuition was paid with blow jobs.
Sammy served in Italy during the War, finished college, and went to work as an civil engineer. In 1947 he married a Catholic girl named Lonny, hoping that marriage would "cure" him of being queer. As it turns out, Lonny was rather adventurous, and had no problem with his proclivities -- as long as there was no "setting up housekeeping," he was free to schmooze and screw all he liked. Sometimes he even brought home tricks for them to "share."
As the years passed, Sammy saw Milton Berle on The Texaco Star Theater, and then doing guest spots on Dick Powell, F Troop, I Dream of Jeannie, Red Skelton, Jackie Gleason, Batman (my Dad was a big fan). He heard the stuff about Berle's schlong. Enormous! Gigantic! Phil Silvers saw it at the urinal and said "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you." Alan Zweibel got a look when Berle guest-starred on Saturday Night Live -- "an anaconda...a pepperoni."
He was upset that he never got a chance to see it during the summer of 1939 -- or better yet, feel it. Or better yet, go down on it.
In the summer of 1971, he saw that Berle was headlining at Caesar's Palace, so as a special 25th-anniversary present, he surprised Lonny with a trip to Las Vegas.
The 63 year old Berle wasn't quite as handsome as he used to be -- but who among us is? But he remembered Sammy from Grossinger's all those years ago, and invited him back to his suite for a drink.
"You ever take my advice, and go door to door banging the Geritol chicks?" Berle asked.
"No, no -- turns out I'm a one woman man," Sammy said. "I don't think I'm big enough to satisfy a multitude anyway. Not like you....hey, do you think I could get a peek?"
Berle shrugged and pulled it out of his pants. About 5" soft, and thick around.
"Hmm....not too bad. But I've seen bigger."
"On who, King Kong? You'll never see a bigger one, I guarantee."
"Well, maybe it's big. My eyes aren't so good these days. They play tricks. Do you mind if I feel it?"
Berle hesitated. "I don't get offers to do that, except from fairies. You're not a fairy, are you?"
"Like I told you, I'm a one-woman man."
"Ok...I guess you could take a grope. You're sure you're not a fairy? I don't want a fairy touching me there."
Sammy began to get angry. What happened to live and let live? Hadn't Berle ever heard of Gay Liberation? But he said "I swear I'm not a fairy" and wrapped his hand around the shaft. He jerked a couple of times.
"You know, my hands aren't so sensitive anymore. Better I should taste it." Before Berle had a chance to answer, he leaned down and ran his tongue over Berle's head.
"Ok, that's enough," Berle said, pushing him away. "Bigger than you thought, huh?"
"Not bad. Well, I should be going." Sammy stood and walked out of the room, but turned back and said "I had one boyfriend who was bigger. You should try it with a black guy sometime."
Berle's eyes widened as he realized that he had just been fondled and licked by a gay man.
Berle was apparently quite homophobic, even more than usual for men of his age. In 1999, a real estate company ran an old photo of Uncle Miltie in drag, with the caption that every queen needs a castle, and he promptly sued, reasoning that someone might see the ad and think he was gay. At the age of 91.
His "private joke file" contains a lot of homophobic jokes:
What do you call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy.
I'm not sure he would allow a same-sex fondle, even with a guy who he thought was straight
See also: Milton Berle: Television's First Drag Queen
Obligatory note about how humans have very big penes for primates.
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