Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Paul, the Boyfriend Who Was Too Good in Bed

Dayton, September 2006

Would you like a boyfriend with such a prodigious sexual appetite that he wants to have three rounds of vigorous bedroom activity every day, morning, mid-afternoon, and evening (more if his interest is aroused in the most trivial way possible, like seeing a cute guy in bicycle shorts pass the apartment).

How about if each round of bedroom activity lasts for an hour or more?

Sound good?

Maybe not.

In the Straight World of Dayton, Ohio, most guys are very, very closeted, taking ladies to office functions, insisting on driving an hour out of town for your dates, never inviting you back to your apartment lest their roommate "find out."

Therefore you don't see boyfriends often, maybe once a week.  On other nights they are busy with family or work functions that you are not invited to, or just skittish about being seen.

So I dated Paul, the office drone/aspiring writer, for six months without noticing anything unusual.  Sure, he was very passionate, and extremely eager .  When he spent the night, I never got any sleep: hour-long sessions at bedtime, in the morning, and sometimes in the middle of the night.

But I figured, he was young -- in his 20s -- and really, really into me.

Besides, isn't everyone like that when you first start dating?  You always have to meet him at the venue, because if he comes to your apartment, or you go to his, you'll never leave.

I didn't think anything of it until my second boyfriend, Charlie, turned out to be Paul's roommate -- each thought the other was straight.  He moved out in embarrassment, and Paul needed a new roommate.

"Why don't we move in together?"  he suggested.  "We've been dating for six months -- it's about time."

"Won't people suspect?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh, no, we'll move most of your stuff into the second bedroom, and introduce you as my 'roommate.'  It's a perfect plan!"

I still had six months left on the lease on my old apartment, so I just moved some books and clothes, and some mementos, like the armoire from India and the tapestry from Paris.  I assured Paul that the rest would be coming at the end of July.

We settled down into domestic bliss.

Sort of.

 Picture this:

1. I got up at 6:00 am so I could work out for a couple of hours before my first class.  But he required an hour of sex first.  No time to get to the gym.

2. We  took turns cooking dinner.  Preparation usually took about an hour, and I liked to eat at 6:00.  But Paul got home at 5:30, and required sex the moment he walked in the door.  So preparation didn't begin until 6:30, and we ate at 7:30.
"Paul, I get low blood sugar if I eat so late."
"So eat a snack.  I can't wait."

3. He wouldn't go to the theater in Dayton -- we had to drive to Columbus, an hour away, which means leaving at 6:30, or 5:30 if we wanted dinner first. But Paul got home at 5:30, and had to go into the bedroom right away.
"Can't it wait until later?  We've already done it for like 3 hours today already."
"Nonsense!  There's plenty of time!"
 No theater.

4. I was in the midst of the season finale of Ugly Betty, the scene where Santos is shot just as his son, Justin, is performing in West Side Story, when my hand accidentally brushed against Paul's lap.  He said, "We have to go into the bedroom now."
"Are you kidding?  I want to see if Santos lives."
"You can watch tv any time.  Let's go!"

5. I went out jogging, and came home soaked with sweat, ready for a shower.  Paul said "Good, you're home.  I saw a cute guy on the street, and I'm ready to go in the bedroom."
"Can it wait until I shower?  I'm soaked."
"No, I've waited too long already.  Let's go!"

6. I got dizzy and collapsed onto the floor, accidentally brushing against his butt on the way down.  He exclaimed, "I'm calling an ambulance!  But we have to go into the bedroom first!"
Ok, I just made that one up. 

Refuse, you say?  "No" means "no"?

I tried that.  Paul got hurt feelings.  "Don't you find me attractive anymore?  You like that tv more than you like me!  Why can't you be more understanding?"

Or else he would satisfy his longings himself, which took twice as long.  Still no theater, and dinner at 8:30!

After a dozen missed plays, concerts, tv shows, and workouts, about fifty late dinners, and who knows how much soreness. enough was enough.  I moved my stuff back into my old apartment.

First time anybody has ever been dumped for being too good in bed.

See also: Dating Two Guys At Once.

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